Innocence (26 page)

“How can you say that?” Lisa stared at him in bewilderment before recalling his comments about ladies of the
ton
, an opinion he reiterated.

“Because wives are more concerned about their position in society than showing affection to their husbands.”

“But I wouldn’t be cold and unfeeling. If you were married to me, I would love you as I do now, in every way and with all my heart.”

Nathaniel closed his eyes, and for a moment she allowed herself to hope he was imagining the life they could share together, not having to hide their relationship and their children growing up to take their rightful place in society as his legitimate heirs.

Before she remembered it wasn’t possible.

“Lisa.” He met her gaze. “Just when you have me doubting your heritage, you say something like that. Sweet but incredibly naïve.”

“Don’t mock me, Nathaniel. I’ve seen happy marriages before, where there is both love and mutual respect.”

“Amongst the lower classes maybe, but there’s no place for sentimentality amongst the
ton
. I wouldn’t trade what we have for the world.”

“And certainly not for the respectability of marriage.”
 

“Not when marriage would ruin everything.” He shrugged, and the tiny seed of hope she had been holding on to in her heart shrivelled and died.

In response to her disconsolate air, Nathaniel reacted predictably and lifted her onto his lap.

“Don’t be sad. The love we share is priceless, and I’ll do anything to protect it—to protect
you—
and for us to be together.”

Anything but marry me
, she thought but did not pull away from his embrace.

He kissed her softly at first, before the insistent pressure of his lips urged her to give him the access he desired. She opened to him, and his tongue delved inside her mouth, arousing her regardless of the state of her emotions and hopes.
 

No matter how disappointed Lisa was by his words, one thing was apparent. She could not resist him.

Chapter 22

Introductions

The following days passed blissfully, as long as Lisa kept her mind off thoughts of both the future and the past. It was not as difficult to do as she expected, since living in the present with Nathaniel was preferable to entertaining her many fears and worries. His words had hurt her, though not as much as they might have if her expectations had been fully developed. The hopes he had unwittingly crushed had been tentative at best . . . and it was not as if he had any choice in the matter.

She was taking a risk agreeing to accompany him to London, but it made sense to do so. Lisa had no idea how to go about the sale of her mother’s pearls, but she assumed the task would be more easily accomplished in London. Meanwhile, she was determined to store up enough memories to last her a lifetime.

Nathaniel did not summon her to his office again but visited her rooms each day, and not always to make love
.
They talked, read—French poetry on occasion—and laughed a great deal, especially when he was posing for the many sketches she did of him. He insisted on setting up a small studio for her to work in and was thrilled when she gave him the portrait she had done of herself.

“This is wonderful,” he said. “An excellent likeness.”

Lisa smiled, refraining from telling him how many attempts it had taken to achieve one she was satisfied with.

Occasionally, their conversations were more sober in content, in particular when he spoke of his childhood. He did not hide his affection for his sister, Rebecca, but he spoke of his mother in scathing tones.

“Each evening after supper, our nanny would present us to Mother for a fifteen-minute visit, timed to the second.”
 

Lisa frowned. “Did she not visit the nursery or spend time with you otherwise?”

“We didn’t even see her every day. If she had a formal engagement to attend or was otherwise indisposed, days could go by . . . weeks during The Season.”
 

He smiled indulgently at her horrified expression.
 

“It was no great loss. We dreaded the encounters, as she used them to catalogue our misdemeanours and determine suitable punishments. Although I felt guilty about leaving Rebecca behind, it was a relief when I was sent away to school.”

“What of your father?”
 

“We saw more of him
when
he was around. He would find any excuse to spend time away from Mother.”
 

Lisa couldn’t imagine such a distant relationship with one’s parents. Determined to make up to Nathaniel for what he had missed, she held nothing back in expressing her love for him and was amply rewarded. Despite the coolness of his upbringing, he was unselfish in displaying his affection and as eager to be with her as she with him. When the weather was fine, they walked in the gardens, taking their lunch outside by the lake. On occasion, they dined together at a table set before the fire in her sitting room. And at night they made love before falling asleep in one another’s arms.

The evening after their first walk in the garden, she insisted Nathaniel take whatever extra precautions were available to him to prevent her becoming with child. Lisa’s confidence in the withdrawal method, as he called it, had waned after she had mentioned it to Sally.

“Me second cousin, Louisa, got sweet-talked by a fella who knew all about withdrawal.” Sally grimaced. “Wouldna’ been so bad if ’e’d stayed around to help raise her twins nine months later.”

Nathaniel’s alternative methods were a tad shocking, but he had faith in their effectiveness, not that he was as concerned as Lisa about failure
.
He assumed if she were to have his babe, he would be there to protect her. Only she knew their days together were numbered, and she could not risk finding herself alone, on the run,
and
with child.

More than willing to take responsibility for preventing what he thought of as a premature conception, mainly because he wanted Lisa all to himself for a time, he utilised a supply of “French Letters.” Difficult to obtain, as they weren’t legal, she was shocked to learn they were used to protect the man from disease,
not
the woman from becoming with child. Most gentlemen considered them a necessary evil and felt guilty about their use. Not because they were utilised outside of matrimony, but because a member of the upper classes was not supposed to deny a common woman his superior seed and the chance to bear his offspring. Despite the fact the women in question would have most likely been half-starved prostitutes ill-equipped to raise a child alone, the man was doing her a disservice, apparently.
 

Thankfully, Nathaniel was willing to make use of the implements to
postpone
Lisa’s becoming with child.
 

The intriguing inventions made from animal intestines, not unlike a heavier duty sausage skin, required soaking in hot water before they could be used. It was time well spent, as far as Lisa was concerned, considering the delightful ways Nathaniel chose to fill the minutes while they waited for the
letters
to achieve the necessary degree of malleability.

The other method of conception he suggested involved a small sponge soaked in vinegar or lemon juice, of all things, and a surprisingly pleasant method of application. Or maybe
insertion
was the more accurate term. It put control over conception into the woman’s hands, as she could be forearmed, so to speak, knowledge normally kept well hidden from those of Lisa’s class. How Nathaniel came to know of the intriguing method, she decided she would rather not know, just thankful to be allowed a choice. While she would have loved to bear Nathaniel’s children one day, and even now waited to see if she might be carrying his child, she did not share his belief their legitimacy was of so little consequence. Despite the pleasantness of her new existence, and her attempts to “impersonate an ostrich,” as Miss Brewer would have accused, it was impossible to ignore the stormy reality that loomed on the horizon.

Twice, Lisa looked up to see Eleanor watching them from a window while Nathaniel and she walked together in the gardens. Even from a distance, the lady’s bitter fury was unmistakable, and Lisa stepped closer to Nathaniel’s side. A woman originally scorned and then humiliated was not one to take lightly as an adversary. The fact she had yet to try to do Lisa any harm worried her more than if Nathaniel’s cousin-in-law had been open in her attack. Of Lord Copeland, Lisa tried not to think.

One morning, almost two weeks after she had agreed to Nathaniel’s proposal, they turned a corner in the hallway and came face-to-face with his cousin.

“Good morning.” Lord Cahill greeted them both before doing a double-take at Lisa’s altered appearance.
 

Unsure how to respond to the situation, she fell back on the manners instilled in her since earliest childhood and curtsied demurely. To her surprise, Nathaniel’s cousin responded by proffering a modest but definite bow.

“Aren’t you going to introduce us?” he asked upon straightening.

The muscles in Nathaniel’s arm tensed beneath her hand.

“Yes, of course. Michael, may I introduce Miss Lisa Brown. Lisa, my cousin, Lord Michael Stanton, Viscount Cahill.”

“It’s a
pleasure
to meet you, Miss Brown.”
 

“How do you do, Lord Cahill?” she replied after a moment’s hesitation.

His eyebrows shot up, no doubt in response to her cultured tones. Before she could react, he took hold of her hand, bowing over it in a respectful manner. Or it would have been if he had not held on to her fingers for a fraction longer than was customary.

“Michael.” Nathaniel glowered.

“Oh, don’t be such a bore. I was hoping for a chance to meet your lovely young paramour and offer a sincere apology for my behaviour the other day.”

Lisa took a step closer to Nathaniel’s side, and Lord Cahill’s expression sobered.
 

“I am sorry for any distress my ill-considered words may have caused you, Miss Brown. In my defence, I wouldn’t have acted upon them. They were intended to get a rise out of my cousin . . . a hobby of mine. Will you accept my apology?”

His words seemed sincere, and though her heart was pounding at the memory of the dreadful things he and Lord Edgeley, in particular, had said that morning in Nathaniel’s study, she nodded her acceptance.

“Excellent.” He smiled broadly. “Because it’s obvious my cousin plans on keeping you in his life, common sense and well-meaning advice be damned.” He directed the comment to Nathaniel who grunted in reply. “Not that I can blame him. Having made your acquaintance, it’s not difficult to see the appeal.”

Nathaniel’s grumbled response seemed more light-hearted, and Lisa smiled tentatively.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you also, Lord Cahill.”
 

He chuckled, reminding Lisa that, despite superficial appearances to the contrary, this encounter still fell outside the normal parameters of polite behaviour.
 

“Enjoy yourself, cousin,” Lord Cahill said. “Because I can guarantee Uncle will have you neutered if he finds out what you’ve been up to, which, I imagine, will put quite a dampener on your fun.
Not
that I have any intention of telling him.” He raised his hands when Nathaniel stepped towards him. “Your black stallion is a joy to ride.”

Ignoring Nathaniel’s curse, Lord Cahill grasped Lisa’s hand again and kissed the back of her gloved fingers.

“Until next time, Miss Brown.” He winked, before leaving Nathaniel and her standing in the hallway.

“Goodness.” She turned to face Nathaniel. “Your cousin is an interesting fellow. I’m sorry you’ve had to give up your horse in exchange for his silence. Is it true your father would
punish
you if he found out about us?”

Nathaniel’s shrug was noncommittal, though the way he rubbed the back of his neck gave her pause.

“It is a
good
thing we are to keep our relationship a secret.” She reminded him once they had obtained the privacy of her rooms. “Although I thought you said it was common practice for gentlemen of your stature to take a mistress. Why would your father object to you following the usual trend?”

Taking a seat, Nathaniel drew her down beside him before answering. “Because of the way our political opponents could use any hint of moral weakness to discredit our cause. Damned hypocritical of them, if you ask me, considering their own proclivities,” he added.
 

Lisa hesitated to ask what those “proclivities” might be.

Sighing, he continued in a slightly different vein. “My father had a change of heart after Lady Haversham was widowed and he began courting her openly. He no longer approves of the keeping of mistresses, though, of course, he kept several of his own over the years.”

“Of course,” Lisa murmured bleakly. “What caused him to change his mind?”

“Utter foolishness . . . he fell in love.”
 

“With Lady Haversham?”

Nathaniel grimaced.
 

“But I thought you said it wasn’t done for a gentleman, especially a
lord
, to marry for love?”