Ink & Flowers (2 page)

*~*~*

He spent an unreasonable amount of time in the bathroom trying to calm himself down. His mind was racing, trying desperately to latch on to something that wasn't horrible or terrifying. He was only finally able to calm himself slightly by thinking about his current art project—a collection of compositions depicting close-ups of various flowers. He'd grown fond of flowers working at the shop, and while it wasn't the most original concept, it still proved to be an enjoyable and challenging project. Every flower was different, and mixing the various colours to make them true to life was fun to think about and execute.

But he could only distract himself with thinking about schoolwork for so long. His mind was well aware that he had a decision to make, and refused to let him forget it for the rest of the night. Over and over he weighed his options as he wrapped flowers, dusted and stocked shelves, and finally performed the closing duties for the night. Cooper had provided him with a third option; McDonald's, aunts, or ... well, he didn't know, exactly. Was it to perform some sort of service for Cooper? Surely he didn't mean for Luke to—no, that was illegal. It was probably just that Cooper wanted him to clean his house or something. Luke hated that his mind immediately jumped to thoughts of a sexual nature.
It's only because he hit on me that one time
, he told himself, staring at his frightened face in the bathroom mirror as he washed his hands.
It's not my fault I'm thinking of that.

Still, the prospect of going to the diner, sitting across from such a terrifying man and discussing living with him was horrible. But so were his other two options. He had no way of knowing what this thing with Cooper would entail, and it might be the best option he had. He had to go. It could be his only way out. If only he could keep his heart from bursting out of his chest.

Luke double checked that he had finished all of his closing duties before he left. He was so distracted; he didn't trust himself not to forget something important. His hands shook again as he locked the door. He really was incredibly hungry. Make it quick then, and he could make a packet of instant ramen when he got home. His stomach gurgled at the thought of tasteless noodles and salty broth.

He'd never been in the diner before, and had honestly never wanted to. The late night customers at McDonald's had been fond of comparing the two, forcing whatever hapless cashier was on that night to listen to their long-winded comparative essay. From what he understood, it was dirty and the food was greasy, but the waitresses were hot. Luke hoped they didn't have a hot waitress. He didn't think he could force himself to speak to her if she was. He always felt obligated to be attracted to and talk with beautiful women, and of course that only made his anxiety worse, and he usually—always—made a fool of himself. The last thing he wanted to do was make a fool of himself in front of Cooper and make him change his mind about giving him a place to stay.

The diner was nearly empty when he entered, and he thought for a moment that Cooper wasn't there, but then he spotted him hunched over in a far booth. Luke's heart jittered nervously in his chest. He looked around for several seconds, wondering if a server was going to greet him, but none appeared. Feeling guilty, he skirted across the worn checkered floor and slid into the yellow plastic seat opposite Cooper.

Cooper raised his eyebrows at Luke and gave a little head jerk, which somehow caused a waitress to appear out of nowhere. She was hot, as promised, petite and pale, her skin perfectly porcelain. Luke sometimes felt like he was the only Asian person in the country without that pale, perfect skin. Even his aunts had it, and he'd somehow come out brown. He supposed his father had probably been dark, although he'd never had many pictures to tell from. Most of them had burned in the fire. He'd only been a few years old when it had happened, and lucky that his grandparents had taken him in, instead of one of his aunts. He took a deep breath and tried not to look at the waitress.

"What'll you have?" she asked in a bored voice, and Luke glanced at Cooper.

"Root beer and a cheeseburger," Cooper announced. "Double patty, extra sauce, gravy with the fries."

The waitress nodded, scratching away on her pad. "Uh-huh. And you?" She looked up at Luke expectantly.

"Oh, um, just water ..." he stammered.

"Shut up," said Cooper, "You said you were hungry."

"I—" Luke glanced at the waitress. "I don't—"

"I'm buying." Cooper shoved the laminated menu at Luke. "What do you want?"

"Um ..." Luke skimmed the menu as quickly as possible, painfully aware that the waitress was waiting for him with a weary look on her face. "Just ... poutine?" His mouth watered at the thought, and he forced himself to swallow.

"What the fuck, man, you trying to starve yourself or what?" asked Cooper as the waitress left.

"I told you I don't have any money," Luke murmured, feeling sick even as the hunger gnawed at his stomach.

"Right." The corner of Cooper’s mouth turned up and he shook his head. "But you don't want to work at McDonald's. Don't you get to eat free there?"

"I worked there before," Luke sighed. "I just ..." He'd had good excuses, back when he'd quit. He'd had enough hours at the flower shop then, and it had been better money, no night shifts. But then Madison had come back from mat leave, and his hours had dropped back down. But he couldn't bring himself to reapply at McDonald's. "It was just so stressful and busy. I couldn't do it."
I wanted to kill myself.
He stopped himself from saying that last bit. That had been the real reason, of course, but he hadn't even told his aunts that. They wouldn't have understood, and he suspected Cooper wouldn't either.

Cooper nodded. "No, I get that. Wouldn't want to work there myself, I did line-cooking once and that was bad enough. So you can't find a job anywhere else?"

"Nowhere else is hiring." These answers came easily to him. He'd said them to his boss, his landlord and his aunts when they called last. "And I'm not a very good employee anyway, I get stressed out and stupid. It's just ... hopeless."

The waitress came with their drinks, and Luke gulped his water down, hoping it would quell his hunger a little. Cooper sipped his drink, his dark eyes uncomfortably fixed on Luke. "You in school?"

"Yeah," Luke nodded. "Art and design, third year."

"An artist?" Cooper chuckled, and Luke wondered what was so funny. "Who's paying for your school?"

"My aunts." Luke rolled his eyes and hunched over. "They don't want to, they said it's a waste of money."

"Fuck that," interjected Cooper, earning him some good-will from Luke, even if he did object to Cooper's language.

"Yeah," he sighed. "Well, it's my money, my grandparents left it to me. They have to let me use it for school. But ... they said if I wanted my own apartment, I'd have to pay for it myself."

"Makes sense. Aunts, eh? No parents?"

"No." Luke slumped back against his seat, shrinking into himself. "I lived with my grandparents up until ... well, my grandpa died a few years ago. And I was living with my grandma until ..." He gave a half laugh, more from how ridiculous it always sounded than out of actual humour. "You know a couple of years ago CityTV did a version of that show where you redecorate someone's house while they're away on a trip?"

Cooper chuckled. "Yeah, what'd they call it,
While You Were Away
?"

"Yeah, something like that." Luke leaned forward and ran his finger over the condensation on the side of his glass, drawing little designs. This wasn't as bad as he'd thought. Cooper seemed pretty sane, and easy to converse with. "My aunts decided it'd be good for my grandma to have her room redecorated, since she hadn't even cleaned it really since Grandpa died. I—" He felt himself getting a bit squeamish at the memory. Guilt, and anger too, now that he didn't like feeling. "I knew it was a bad idea, I should have said something, but they're so ... pushy. They had the TV people all convinced that it would be this great
healing
thing. I dunno, I tried to stay out of it. I should have stopped them ..."

"What happened?" Cooper's voice was soft, and he'd leaned forward. "Your grandma didn't like it?"

Luke shook his head. "She ... she sort of had a mental breakdown. The TV people recommended her for psychiatric evaluation, decided she needed to live in a care home, I ... I should have realised that earlier anyway. But I couldn't live with her anymore, obviously."

The waitress arrived then with their food, and Luke dug in, his stomach growling fiercely and his hands shaking.

"Well," said Cooper between bites of his burger. "I can't blame you for not wanting to live with your aunts after that, but it can't be that bad."

Luke poked at his fries, suddenly feeling a bit sick. "You don't know them. They're always lecturing me and putting down my art, and telling me I should be more like my cousin. He's a business student."

Cooper made an understanding noise as he wiped his mouth. "Ah, I get it. It's no good living with people who make you feel like crap about yourself."

"Exactly," agreed Luke, relieved.

"So." Cooper brushed his hands off and looked up at Luke. "You ready to hear my offer?"

Luke picked at his fries some more. "Yeah," he said, trying to keep his voice from shaking. "I guess so."

"Right," said Cooper. "You ever been with a guy before?"

Luke felt himself flinch, adrenaline shooting through him. Suddenly his fries were very unappealing. In fact, he felt like he might throw up. The repulsion he'd initially felt for Cooper had sprung up again, more intense than ever.

"Well?" Cooper prompted. "You've never, you know, slept with a man, right?"

Luke nearly choked on his drink. God, he'd been right. Cooper did want him for sex, and the thought was incredibly, gut-wrenchingly repulsive. "Of course not," he spat. "I told you I'm not gay!"

"You're bi?"

"
No
! I'm not anything!" He was loud again. His hands were shaking, and the thickness had returned in the back of his throat, threatening to burst forth into tears. He
wasn't
gay. He knew that with absolute certainty. He'd told himself his whole life, over and over again, that he was never,
ever
going to have sex with a man. And Cooper was not going to change that.

"Dude, relax," Cooper was smiling, his eyes narrowed. Luke could tell he found this funny. "I can tell when a guy is gay. Maybe you think you're good at hiding it but," he leaned back with a small smile, and his eyes flicked over Luke, "I can totally tell. You don't have to admit it if you don't want, but you don't get to stay at my place for free."

He knows.
Luke took a deep breath, banishing the thought. Cooper didn't know anything. There was no way to tell if Luke had thoughts about men from his outward appearance, and even if there were, Cooper was wrong. He wasn't gay. And he wasn't going to be, and that was that. "What are you saying?" he asked, forcing his voice quieter. "You want to turn me gay or something?"

Cooper seemed to find that uproariously funny. "I don't want to turn you anything," he laughed. "If you're really straight, you'll stay straight, right? All I want is a fuck buddy." He said it casually, as if he was requesting something completely normal. "You're cute. I want you."

"No!"

"Okay," Cooper nodded. "That's all you have to say." He moved to get up.

"Wait."

Cooper sat back down. Luke stared at him, his mind racing. It wasn't—no, he couldn't. Could he? Maybe Cooper was right, that if he were only doing it for a place to stay, not because he was attracted to Cooper—because he certainly wasn't—maybe then it wouldn't really be gay? It would be wrong, he was certain about that, but maybe the lesser of two evils. Luke felt, in a sort of nauseous way, that he was starting to go down a very bad, dangerous path. But he'd felt like that when he'd decided to go to art school instead of business school too. How much guilt could he endure in defense of his sanity? He supposed he was about to find out."It's illegal," he forced out, to stall.

Cooper's eyes narrowed more. His posture was casual, almost too casual. "No it's not. You live with me and we have sex occasionally. I'm not forcing you into anything. You can always move in with your aunts, right?"

"What?" The thought was like an icy knife in his stomach. "No! I—I mean, what would I have to do?" He couldn't believe he was asking. He didn't know the first thing about ... about anything like this. He knew what happened in gay sex, of course, although he didn't like to think about it. He'd watched movies in high school, because he'd been curious, and had reactions then too (he felt his cheeks colouring with the guilt), and that's when he'd known he'd have to be extra careful. He'd been disgusted too, he remembered that clearly. But he hadn't been so desperate then. "I mean, h-how many times?"

Cooper laughed. "You make it sound like such a chore, but trust me, I think you'll like it."

"I won't." Would he? What if he did? That would be horrible!

Cooper rolled his eyes. "Fine then, let's say once a week, unless you want more."

"I won't want more." And even if he did, he wasn't going to tell Cooper that. He was only doing this because he had to, and he wanted Cooper to know that.

"So you'll do it?"

"You're disgusting." said Luke, forcing his face into an expression of loathing. He hoped Cooper felt at least a little guilty, but there was absolutely no remorse in his face. "And what about the rest of the week, would you leave me alone then?"

Cooper was still grinning as if he found the whole thing hilarious. As if it was a joke. "You're really pushing this disgusted thing, aren't you? But hey, you're still considering it, so I must be a bit less gross than your aunts."

Luke took a shaky breath. "You didn't answer my question."

"What?" Cooper leaned back, and Luke realised that he'd been leaning quite close to him. "Yeah, yeah, I'll leave you alone. I won't even talk to you."

"Would I get my own room?"

"Oh, for fuck's sake, you can have the couch, if I disgust you so much."