Ink & Flowers (10 page)

Cooper shifted, and Luke could feel something dark behind his voice as he spoke. "It's not like I want to be," he said. "All I want to be is some asshole who doesn't care about anyone else."

"Why would you want that?" asked Luke. He remembered that they'd had this conversation before, and Cooper had shrugged him off. He turned to look at Cooper, who was staring at the ceiling with his jaw in a tight line.

"Because," said Cooper. "Then I wouldn't have to feel like such shit all the time. And it's not that I don't want to have sex with you, Luke—I can't."

"Why, are you a monk?"

"I'm serious, Luke." There was no humour in Cooper's voice, only a dull monotone. "I haven't been able to get hard, barely at all. Not for fourteen months."

Luke tilted his head, curious despite himself. "That's oddly specific."

"No." Cooper's gaze was still fixed on the ceiling. "No, it's not. It's not odd, I mean, I know why. I ... I wanted to try having sex with you, because I thought maybe if I was with someone who didn't—who didn't know what happened, then I'd be able to. But obviously it didn't work. I just can't get rid of my fucking conscience. It's killing me."

"Someone who didn't know what happened," repeated Luke. "What happened?" He thought for a moment that he didn't want to know. It was easier to think that Cooper was just an abrasive asshole. He didn't want to get sucked in, to know the reason for it. Did he? "Cooper? What is it?"

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter anyway, does it?" Cooper turned his head away from Luke, pulled the blankets up over his chest. "Fuck."

Luke waited. He wondered if Cooper really was going to tell him, or if he was going to sleep.

"I used to be a tattoo artist," Cooper began finally.

"Yeah, I figured that out." Luke shrugged, sliding himself under the blankets with Cooper. His curiosity had gotten the better of him.

"Um ..." Cooper bit his lip, clenched and unclenched his hands. His brows were knitted so tightly it was almost painful to look at. Luke wanted to touch him, maybe relieve some of that pain, but he didn't want Cooper to stop talking. "I ... there was this girl who came in for a tattoo. She was ... she'd just turned eighteen, and she was with her friend, and they were ... you know, gonna get her a tattoo for her eighteenth birthday. She just wanted this little butterfly on her hip."

"That sounds nice," prompted Luke, although it felt like acid was slowly creeping into his stomach. This story wasn't going to end nice, he knew that.

"Yeah, whatever, butterflies," muttered Cooper. "Anyway, she kept talking about how her parents couldn't find out, cause they were so strict, yadda yadda, and I was like, you know, whatever, people's parents. Like, my mom wasn't exactly thrilled about my first tattoo, but she got over it."

"Yeah, I guess she'd have to." Luke gave a small smile, which Cooper returned half-heartedly.

"Anyway, we had this new apprentice, Todd. He was ... he was just a little shit, I dunno what my boss was thinking. I should have ..." Cooper slapped his hands down onto the bed, his expression still pained. He would have been frightening, but Luke could tell he was only angry at himself. "I should have got the needles myself, made sure they were clean."

Luke felt his stomach drop. "The needles weren't clean?" He didn't know anything about tattooing, but that sounded bad.

Cooper was blinking fast, the lines of his mouth hard. "Well, they must not have been, because apparently it got infected."

"Ugh," Luke grimaced. "But an infection's an infection, I mean you can get antibiotics—"

"Yeah, if you go to the hospital. But she didn't."

"What? Why not?"

"She was ... I dunno, I wasn't there, Luke. Apparently she was afraid of her parents finding out, like she didn't want anyone to know, so she ... she didn't tell anyone. It gets worse and worse, and you know, you get a fever ..." Cooper's voice was cracking, and he clamped his mouth tight. "She—" he attempted, then stopped again when his voice broke. "She didn't tell them. Not to the very end, she just stayed in bed, and she—" He gave a sharp intake of breath, and turned away. Suddenly he seemed much smaller than he ever had.

Luke could feel his heart beating fast, even in the safety of the bed. "Cooper," he whispered. "It wasn't your fault."

"Don't you
fucking
tell me it wasn't my fault, Luke. Don't you
dare
."

"I'm sorry, Cooper, it's just ... did you get arrested?"

"No, I wish." Cooper sighed heavily. "Her parents didn't press charges. Decided it wasn't my fault. I ... I wish so bad that I could talk to them, you know? Apologize. But I just can't. I can't, you know, face them. I freeze up, I get sick. And I feel like shit all the time, I can't work, I can't fuck, and I deserve it ..." He paused, and his voice broke again, even as it curdled with self-hatred. "I'm so
fucked
up, Luke. I don't even know what to do."

"You're gonna be okay," whispered Luke, because he didn't know what else to say.

"I don't
want
to be okay. I just ..." Cooper bit his lip and gestured widely with his hands, "I thought, if I'm such an asshole, I can't even apologize to them, maybe I should just go with it, right? Maybe I can
be
an asshole, someone who doesn't care who they hurt, who fucks people without loving them, or—or caring about them, but I just ..."

"You can't," finished Luke. "You're not that kind of person, right?"

"I'm
trying
." Cooper's voice was thin, like he was about to cry.

"But I don't want you to be," said Luke, aware of how selfish he sounded. "I mean, I like you, the nice you."

Cooper sniffed. "I wish we'd met before."

"I wouldn't have liked you," admitted Luke, "I didn't like ... anyone ..." he trailed off, and his body betrayed him by letting out a long yawn. He felt terrible. Cooper had just confessed something serious to him, and here he was falling asleep. He lay, looking at Cooper, trying to keep his eyes open.

Cooper managed a small smile. "Go to sleep, Luke. I'll be fine in the morning."

"I ... okay," Luke whispered finally. Cooper was scaring him, and he didn't want to go to sleep and leave him alone like this. But he was exhausted. Everything had finally caught up to him, and the darkness of sleep was creeping in, too fast to fight it off, and before he could even try, his eyes had closed, and he had drifted off into nothing.

*~*~*

When Luke woke up, Cooper was gone. He must have been sleeping soundly, because he hadn't even heard Cooper get up and leave. He lay still for a while, enjoying the comfort of the first real bed he'd slept in in several days. Somehow he'd kicked off his pants in the night, and the sheets were warm and silky against his legs. He wished Cooper had woken him to say good morning, or at least to reassure him that he was okay, before he left for work. As it was, he was a little worried, especially after how Cooper had been talking last night.

Well, he just had to get through today, and he'd see Cooper tonight. He was excited to see him again, even if they wouldn't be able to have sex. He couldn't imagine what it must be like for Cooper, never being able to get hard. Guilt had never stopped Luke from being horny; in fact, the two had pretty much always gone hand in hand. But he supposed the guilt that Cooper was feeling was much, much worse than anything Luke had ever experienced.

Luke couldn't even wrap his head around what it would be like to feel responsible for someone's death. He didn't know if he'd be able to live with himself at all. And Cooper seemed so together, so okay. Well, most of the time anyway. He recalled the evening he'd come home to Cooper drunk and wishing he could die. Now he understood. The knowledge was a heavy weight in the pit of his stomach. He'd never felt so bad for anyone before. Poor, poor Cooper.

He made himself cereal for breakfast, hoping the food would relieve some of the heaviness in his gut, and wished he knew how to cook properly. Maybe Cooper could teach him. He should probably stop thinking about Cooper so much, but it was difficult with the memories of yesterday still running through his head. Despite the negative ending to yesterday, he somehow still felt elated, as if his brain was determined to focus on the positives rather than the negatives. He'd come out. He'd come out to himself, and to his aunts, and a weight he hadn't even known was there had been lifted from him. Suddenly he was excited for everything, for Cooper, for himself, for his art. He was so glad he'd been determined to go to art school, even though everyone had said that he wouldn't be able to do anything with an art degree. It didn't matter, he loved it. He was so excited to get to school and draw and improve.

His good mood lasted throughout the day, about as long as it took to realise that Cooper had been gone much longer than normal. Then it seemed that he was no longer able to shove the conversation they’d had last night to the back of his mind. It came to the forefront with a snarl, demanding attention, and the worrying began. Where was Cooper? Was he just late coming home from work? Why wouldn't he call? He'd said he was going to be fine today, but what if he was just saying that? Luke hated himself for falling asleep when he had. He should have stayed up, talked more with Cooper. Cooper had done so much for Luke, and then he'd admitted something important to Luke, and Luke had gone and fallen asleep on him. He was so selfish!

Six o'clock. He sat on the couch and produced several unfinished sketches, each one more chaotic and rushed than the last. He circled the apartment twice. Seven o'clock. He wished he knew Cooper's cell phone number so he could call him. He began to organize the mess on the counter and table. Bills, notes, receipts. Guilt tugged at him. He shouldn't be going through Cooper's things. But he couldn't just sit here. What if Cooper had done something bad? What if he wasn't okay? What if ...

Eight o'clock. He found a piece of paper on the counter with the name "Charlie" and a phone number on it. He'd never heard of Charlie, but if Cooper had his number he might know something. Or it could just be a random hook-up. But Cooper said he hadn't had sex in over a year. Maybe a friend? Well, he could call and ask if he knew anything. He circled the apartment again.

Finally, he grabbed the house phone and the number and set them on the coffee table. Arms wrapped around his knees, he sat across from them on the couch, staring at them for several minutes. He reached for the phone. His hands were shaking. He withdrew them. This was stupid. There was no guarantee that he'd have any idea where Cooper was. But it couldn't hurt to call.
Just call him.

Luke hated phone calls. His palms began to sweat at the thought, and his breath stuck in his throat. He couldn't talk. His voice would come out stupid, and he might not even be able to speak.

He got up and circled the apartment again to calm his nerves. It didn't help. If only Cooper would walk through the door, happy and relaxed, and then he could laugh at Luke for being worried about him. Luke went and opened the door. The hallway was silent and empty. The buzz of the florescent lights made his head hurt. He closed the door. It was even quieter inside.

Right. Phone call. It was only a phone call. He was getting worked up over nothing. He'd called people before. It was fine.

He sat down on the couch, reached out and grabbed the phone in his slippery fingers. Slowly and firmly, he dialled the number, and held the phone to his ear. His heart jumped and he forced himself to breathe as it rang. He had no idea what he was going to say. Why hadn't he thought of that?!

The phone picked up. It was a man, his voice with a slight flamboyant touch to it. "Hello?"

"Hello," replied Luke shakily. "S-sorry to bug you, my name's Luke Lei, I was wondering if you knew someone named Liam Cooper? He has your number."

There was silence for a moment. Then the man—Charlie—responded, "Yeah, of course I know Cooper, he's my ex. Who are you?"

"O-oh!" gasped Luke. This was worse than he could have imagined. "I'm so sorry, I just, I've just been staying with him, and he's sort of ..."

"What, did he disappear again?"

"Again?"

There was a long pause and a sigh. "Yeah, he does that. Disappears when he gets upset. It drove me crazy, that's why I ..." He sighed again. "So, what, are you seeing him? Living with him?"

"Yeah." Luke could have smacked himself. "No! I mean, I am living with him. Last night he told me what happened to him, with the ... girl and ..."

"And today he's gone?" guessed Charlie. "Yeah, he's ... Cooper's got a lot of guilt. I mean, I tried to help him through it, but it was just too much for me, you know? You should make sure you know what you're getting yourself into, is all."

"I'm not really ... getting myself into anything. I just wanted to know if he's okay."

"Yeah." Charlie paused again, sounding irritable. "Yeah, he'll be fine. He just likes to disappear and make you worry about him. Sorry, no, he doesn't do it because of that. Listen, he's got lots of friends ... or he did. Lots of people worried about him, at least. He'll find somewhere to stay and then he'll come back when he's ready. Don't worry about him."

"I don't know if I can help that," said Luke, more to himself than to Charlie.

"Yeah well. Don't beat yourself up. He kind of ... sucks you in. Makes you care more about him than yourself. He's selfish."

"He doesn't seem that way to me. Maybe he's changed."

He could almost hear Charlie's disbelief in the silence before he spoke. "Yeah, maybe. Luke, right? Good talk."

"Thanks," said Luke, and the line went dead halfway through.

He lay back on the couch, letting out the tense breath he had been holding throughout the phone call. So, Cooper was probably okay. That was really the only positive of the phone call. Maybe now he could sleep.

He got ready for bed in a daze, changing into his pyjamas and slipping in between the soft sheets. Maybe Cooper
was
selfish. Luke had to admit he had very little experience with relationships in which the other person wasn't trying to use or control him. His aunts, Brody ... but Cooper had seemed so different. Maybe not at the beginning, and maybe Luke was just sugar-coating it, but Cooper had said himself that he didn't really want anything from Luke besides company. Didn't that mean he actually liked Luke?