Authors: Shuvom Ghose
Tags: #humor, #army, #clone, #war, #scifi, #Military, #aliens, #catch 22
I leaned forward in my harness and tapped both privates on the knees. "Listen, you two," I said, fully aware that Hughes might as well have been there in the chopper with us. "You may see a lot of scary things out there today, but I want you two both to observe ABSOLUTE NOISE DISCIPLINE.
"That's what's kept us safe on our other missions. I want the both of you to keep your MOUTHS SHUT and not comment on ANYTHING you may see out there, no matter what it is. Do you read me, Privates?" I couldn't have Lieutenant Looked them any harder if I had been the janitor from OCS himself.
"Ye-yessss, sir," Telson stammered, his eyes terrified. Harper nodded too.
"And NO MATTER WHAT," I continued, "DO NOT FIRE until Lieutenant Mohammed says 'weapons free'. If you fire while we are establishing position on the enemy, I WILL SHOOT YOU MYSELF. CLEAR?"
"Yes sir!" they squeaked.
I leaned back, took a deep breath, and looked at Zazlu. He nodded back. It was the best we could do.
I started praying to Three-Spot again as Jinx started circling our drop-off spot. It was deep in the valley, and outside the fire-cleared landing zone you couldn't see anything through the solid tree cover. There were about a million ambush locations waiting in the shadowed jungle. No patrol that had ever been dropped off here had EVER returned, with ANY of their soldiers alive.
"You sure this is it?" I asked Jinx.
He nodded. "General's orders."
I checked everyone's buffering bands again. Green, five bars each. Hooo-kay.
"Alright- combat drop and dust off!"
Jinx did another great job, starting to take the helo up even as we were stepping off it. The auto-pilot was lazier, waiting to let all five privates get a few steps away before starting a slow climb up. I motioned Telson and Harper to come with Juan and me as Zazlu rode herd on the other five privates.
"Remember- weapons safe and
total
noise discipline," I hissed into my mike, looking Telson and Harper in the eye and when I turned back to the treeline a black shape was already sliding out of the shadows at me.
I froze.
The Hell-Spider was bigger than Three-Spot, its shell shinier and a deeper black. Its razor claws were already drawn, waiting.
With great effort, peeled my finger off my trigger and let my rifle hang free on its strap.
Friendly
, I thought.
We're friendly! Three-Spot must have told you. Right?
The spider took another step towards me. I held my empty hands out in front of me, trying to think peaceful thoughts. But what if-
I turned just in time to see Harper raising his rifle and gave him the sternest Lieutenant Look I could muster while jabbing a finger at his rifle and then the ground. Disbelieving, he lowered his barrel.
I held one hand up to tell Harper to stay, then held my other empty hand towards the spider, now only twenty feet away.
Please stay back! If you get closer, my friends may not stay calm. Friendly!
It took another step forward. As did twenty other spiders emerging from hiding in a ring around the landing zone.
I grabbed the barrel of Juan's grenade launcher just before it got target and pushed it back down, giving him a blistering look and shaking my head. He barely saw me- his eyes were huge, watching the ring of spiders close around us.
I looked back at the first spider in desperation.
Stop! We are friendly! Three Spot sent us!
They were all around us, moving forward at a slow steady speed, like a stalking cat.
I tilted my shoulder to let my rifle strap slip off and let the weapon clatter to the ground.
See! Friendly!
The spider stood just fifteen feet in front of me, legs coiled to pounce. All the other spiders took one step closer.
"Sir..." Telson squeaked, shaking. His finger started reaching towards his trigger. I gave him a Look but he was trembling, still bringing his rifle barrel up. He was too far for me to reach in time.
Then Zazlu was there, grabbing the back of Telson's neck with one hand and pushing his rifle barrel down with the other. He squeezed harder and harder on Telson's neck until the kid's hand left the trigger area. The ring of spiders stepped closer again.
I stepped forward too, one hand up to stay my men, one hand up to the spider, now looking into his four eyes from just ten feet away. My pulse was pounding in my ears. I could barely form thoughts through the adrenaline.
Peaceful! We do not want to fight you! Peace!
The spider stopped.
"Three-Spot said your thoughts would be muddy," he spoke into my head, the voice like sharp claws sliding over each other, where Three-Spot's was like tumbling gravel. "But I was not prepared."
Yeah, neither were we,
I thought back.
Things happened quickly. Please tell your clan to back up! My men are nervous.
"You are very close to our caves."
I'm sorry-
"Close to our females and children. Your metal-spitters could do much harm to them."
I turned back to Zaz, snapped my fingers and pointed for him to take his hands off his rifle. He didn't want to.
"Sir-"
I held a finger in front of my mouth.
Zazlu frowned at me, then slowly let his rifle go, to hang from his shoulder strap.
I turned back to the spider. Where Three-Spot had his yellow dots, this one had a red stripe on its skull.
Red-Stripe, see! We mean your families no harm! We just need to stay here for a while and then will go away.
"For how long will you go away? The others always come back."
See, that's the thing
- I started to think, before I noticed Juan was freaking out.
"This is crazy," he hissed. "We're just staring at them-"
I bared my teeth at him. "Shut UP Private!"
"What's going on out there?" Sergeant Major Hughes's voice barked, crystal clear, into all our ears. "Give me a sit-rep!"
"Whoever that was, clear this channel!" I hissed into my mike. "We are maneuvering to contact
in the field.
Get off the radio, you asshole!"
Any chance I got to call Hughes an asshole with plausible deniability, I would take. The radio went silent. Then I snapped my fingers at Zaz and pointed to Juan. My Second Lieutenant put his hand on Juan's shoulder, whispering in his ear. I could see Juan's finger slowly untensing from the trigger. But he was still too nervous.
Red-Stripe, we NEED you to back up. You are scaring them.
The large Hell-Spider took one step back toward the treeline. The others did as well. I remembered I could exhale, too.
Thank you.
"We cannot let you leave this clearing."
We do not want to!
"We also cannot guard you forever."
Shit. This was turning into a negotiation, and I had absolutely nothing to barter with. I snapped my fingers at Zazlu again, pointed at his head then pointed at Red-Stripe.
The Iranian was confused.
I pointed at his head again, harder, and then at the Hell-Spider's head, again. And then held a finger in front of my mouth again.
It's funny how you don't need to know sign language to recognize four-letter words being silently mouthed at you. But Zazlu walked up next to me and looked Red-Stripe right in his four eyes.
My friend will negotiate with you. We will reach an agreement
, I thought.
"Very well."
Zazlu started nodding at the spider, then frowning and shaking his head.
Now it was my turn to suffer, watching the expressions cycle through Zazlu's face and being left to wonder just WHAT the fuck was being said.
It stretched one minute. Then another. The clearing was silent, no creature moving or speaking. I turned to the squad and motioned for them to relax, trying to smile at them while I secretly checked every one of their trigger fingers. They were getting jittery. The spiders were dead calm, in a ring around us.
I turned back to Zazlu and he was still gesturing, frowning and shaking his head at Red-Stripe. I finally just pulled on his sleeve and gave him a "What the fuck?" look. Zazlu started to open his mouth but then stopped and pointed at his combat mike in frustration.
I pointed at his head, then Red-Stripe, then my head.
Zazlu mouthed another unmentionable at me, then closed his eyes, concentrating. The sliding claws voice invaded my thoughts again. "The Wrestler wishes me to relay his thoughts to you, for some reason."
Good. Go ahead.
"You cannot speak to him directly? Are one of you still a child?"
No, just- it's complicated! Just go ahead!
"Very well." Red-Stripe paused. "He is picturing someone having intercourse with an animal- a dog."
We've screwed the pooch.
"Yes. And now, he is picturing a... sniper? Killing a target from a great distance."
A long shot.
"Yes. And now, he pictures three humans, one wearing a hat-"
Tell him to stop thinking in metaphors and just talk plainly!
"Meta...? I do not understand."
"Sir," Juan whispered. "They're getting closer!"
"No they're not, private. Relax."
He gripped his grenade launcher tighter. "They are!"
"What should we do?" Telson cried to me, starting to raise his barrel again.
"I need a sit-rep of what's going on!" SMaj Hughes said into my ear. "Now!"
"Now the Wrestler is picturing a man on a horse..."
I wondered what I had ever done to the Gods to find myself in this position.
Red-Stripe, what were you and the Wrestler talking about last? Hurry! And use your own words!
"He was asking why the thunder bees do not attack the Joshua trees."
And?
"It is because the trees are where the bees rest and feed from its nectar. If you see many Joshua trees, you will always find a thunder bee hive close by. If there are no trees nearby, the hive cannot survive."
Juan was backing up, wide eyes on the ring of Hell-Spiders. "Sir? Sir!"
That's all?
"The Wrestler asked if the thunder bees were causing problems for us. I replied that they were. As the weather gets drier, the bees wander West into our hunting grounds, threatening hunts that they did not threaten before. The Wrestler offered to help. For a price."
Fuck. I gave Zazlu a disbelieving look. "Really?" I asked, my voice hoarse after the long silence.
"I said it was a long shot," he spat back.
"SIT REP!" Hughes barked. "Why are you pussies pansy-footing around out there if you can see the enemy right in-"
And then it hit me. I pushed Juan's and Telson's weapons back down, giving them reassuring looks as I did. And I ran around to make sure everyone had their weapons safe before I started yelling.
"Squad! Fall back! Fall back to the LZ!" I yelled. The squad just looked at me strangely, since we hadn't even
left
the LZ.
I gave Red-Stripe a calming gesture, then yelled, "Jinx! Jinx! We are in heavy contact! They're all around us! How far out are you?"
"Two minutes. Inbound now."
"No!" I shot back. "Go back to base! And get every shoulder rocket you can load up onto the chopper! We need firepower!"
"Heavies?"
Shit. That's all I needed, Hughes or Oakley's men out here in heavies to see what we were up to.
"No! No more soldiers! We've got enough men! Just weapons! We'll keep the Spiders chasing their tails until you get back! Hurry!"
"Roger. Back in ten. Out."
I looked at Red-Stripe.
Our metal-spitters, which way can we fire them without pointing towards any of your caves?
The Spider pointed towards a rising hill.
Could you get your friends out of that direction?
"For what purpose?"
We are going to fire our weapons so that it sounds like we are doing a great battle for my superiors who are spying on us, but we do not want to actually hurt any of you.
The spider looked at me for a second. "Your species is strange." Then the spiders in that direction started making a gap in the ring. I lined up our privates and had them aim at an innocent tree.
We fought that tree to a vicious stand-still for the next ten minutes, yelling, screaming and making other battle sounds that would have made any radio performer proud. When Jinx landed in the clearing again, I had Zazlu and Juan get on the helo and start arming the rocket launchers. Zazlu knew where to go. The privates stayed with me, kneeling in the shade of the treeline.