Infinite Love (8 page)

‘What the bloody hell is your problem?’ I demanded, as I shoved his bare shoulder.

‘You’re being Un.Fucking.Reasonable, that’s my deal. I’m trying to be nice.’

‘You’re being cold,’ I snapped.

‘No I’m not,’ he snapped back.

‘This is
your
body, Gabe,’ I yelled as I scanned myself with my hand. ‘I belong to you. It’s the same body you’ve always loved, the same one you couldn’t get enough of and it hurts me that you don’t want it anymore, that you don’t want
me
. I feel like Adam’s coming between us because you can’t get over how angry you are at him.’

‘He’s not coming between us, I’m so fucking over him,’ he answered quickly.

‘Then what the hell is it?’

‘I fucking angry with
you,
Mia,’ he roared in my face as anger flared in his blue eyes. ‘You defied me. Again. You left yourself open to this fucking pyscho after promising me you wouldn’t do that anymore. You not keeping yourself safe was one of my deal breakers and you broke your word to me that it wouldn’t happen again. It’s your bloody fault that this happened.’

‘You told me you didn’t care about that Gabe, you said that to me in the hospital, you said that all that mattered was that you had me back. Was that a lie?’

‘I meant it at the time because I was so happy that you were still alive. But the more pain I’ve seen you in since, the more I’ve wanted to punish you for ignoring my instructions. I get mad, I want to fuck you, and right now I’m bloody seething inside. It’s been eating away at me and I couldn’t share it because I didn’t want to upset you. I just want to be myself again. I love making love to you but the way I feel now, I want to be able to spank you, to punish you for defying me, to slam you against the wall and pin you down and fuck you until you scream, just like I’ve always done when you’ve pissed me off, just like you’ve always loved it. But I can’t even bloody do that, can I? Because if I try and be me … if I get aggressive, you’re going to see
him.
Every time I try to control you, to grasp your wrists to try to … if I try to be the old me Mia, and I remind you of him, you’ll hate me. He’ll be all that you ever see every single bloody time you look at me,’ he yelled and rubbed his hands over his face. I gulped, he was seriously furious with me, that was his longest ever rant in all the time we’d been together. All this time he blamed me and he’d not said a word? I felt tears welling up in my eyes, but quickly blinked them back.

‘
You’re
the only thing I see, Gabe. The only thing I’ve
ever
seen. I love you, I trust you and I’ll never see him when I look at you because you aren’t trying to hurt me, he was. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me how you were feeling.’

‘I was trying to be what you needed,’ he sighed.

‘
You’re
what I need Gabe, the man I fell in love with. The man who can be caring and gentle, who makes me melt with a look or a smile, but I also fell in love with the man who’s domineering and bossy. The man who doles out punishment fucks and shows how much he cares by yelling at me when I’ve been stupid. I need the whole package, I need the real you, not who you think I want you to be. I broke your trust and you haven’t punished me for it. Punish me, now.’

‘No.’ Gabe backed away from me. ‘You froze last time we tried sex, I saw the look in your eyes, you were scared of me.’

‘No!’ I exclaimed. ‘I wasn’t scared of
you
, it had nothing to do with you, Gabe. I just had a flashback, a memory of being scared in that factory as he lay on top of me and it triggered a panic attack. That was because of him, not you.’

‘Don’t lie to me.’ Gabe shook his head and covered his eyes as he breathed erratically. I sighed. We had to get past this or we were never going to have sex again and I missed that connection with him. I quickly looked around the room and spotted the padded blanket box at the foot of the bed. I strode over and kneeled up on it and bent over placing my forearms on the bed, which had the effect of pushing my bare bottom up into the air. I heard noise whistling against his teeth as he sucked in a sharp breath. ‘What are you doing?’

‘I want you to punish me, tell me why you’re angry with me and spank me each time until you’ve got it all out.’

‘Mia, please, don’t do this.’

‘I love you and I trust you, Gabe. You’re letting him win, he wanted to take me from you and you’re letting him. You’ve been hiding how you really feel and you won’t have sex with me, this isn’t the sort of relationship I want. We’re getting married in less than two weeks and I want you, all of you, the good and the bad, I just want you back, Gabe. I love my caring, doting, sweet, supportive Gabe, but I miss my dominant, possessive, controlling, sexually aggressive Gabe. Tell me how you feel,
show me
how you feel.’ I took a deep breath as I heard him approach me, I was about to turn around to look at him and stopped myself. The only time he’d let go with me since it happened was when I had my back to him in the hospital, I wasn’t sure why he couldn’t look at me then, but this time I stayed looking straight ahead and gasped as I felt him plant a kiss on each cheek, just like he always used to. Then he ran his hand over my bare backside, gently stroking it and I closed my eyes and smiled, just feeling his touch on my skin was electric and weirdly comforting, even though I knew I was probably in for a rough ride. I gasped and jolted as the first stinging slap struck me.

‘
That’s
for not believing me when I told you that you were in danger.’ The second one came down harder and I opened my eyes wide, he wasn’t holding back at all. ‘
That’s
for not telling me that Milo had tried it on with you, twice.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered, then let out a soft moan as the third slap hit and I squirmed, feeling the effect he was already having on my libido.

‘
That’s
for not staying in the gym that night,’ he hissed. The fourth made my jaw drop and my eyes sting. ‘
That’s
for not telling me that you were leaving it.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I cried and got another one in return.

‘
That’s
for not telling me where you were going.’

‘It won’t happen again,’ I said sincerely and gasped again as two firm smacks rained down on me and I felt the heat radiate outwards. That didn’t smart, that
hurt
.

‘They’re for talking back when I’m trying to tell you how I feel,’ he barked and I griped the sheets under my fingers tightly. He was being more forceful with each spank and this was Gabe talking, hot sexy Gabe. Actually he was hot and sexy when he was sweet and caring too, in fact he was just hot and sexy all the damn time.

‘
Ahhhh
,’ I cried as I got another two that were verging on my pain threshold. I couldn’t recall him ever smacking me so hard.

‘They’re for making my heart stop beating when I picked up Mason’s message that night.’ Another two had me wince and bit my lip. ‘They’re for making me throw up on my pool table.’

‘Gabe,’ I gasped, shocked. I had no idea of any of this, he’d kept me completely in the dark. I clenched my backside as the next two strikes hit, which was a stupid thing to do as it made them hurt even more.

‘They’re for making me think the worst as I tried to ring him back.’ The next two brought tears to my eyes and my knuckles went white as I clenched the sheet tightly and fought against yelling out “I quit.” ‘They’re for … for making me die a
million
deaths when I thought Adam was going to … going to …
kill you
before the Police got to you.’

‘I’m sorry,’ I cried. I could hear his voice shaking, the pain in it, and I felt it to my core. I was suddenly taken back to that awful moment in Gabe’s hall, remembering how scared I’d been when I thought he’d been killed in that car accident last year, now I knew how much he was hurting. I swallowed my desire to tell him to stop again when the next two hit me and I started trembling as tears streamed down my face. I was way beyond my pain threshold now and my backside was throbbing.
He needs this, he needs to let out his anger, just like he let me when I hit him over and over,
I reminded myself.

‘They’re for making me cry like a
bloody girl
in front of Doug and Lexi as they drove me to … to the hospital.’ I buried my face in the bedding and sobbed as he smacked me again, but it suddenly wasn’t the pain in my backside that made me howl, it was hearing his voice break.

‘They’re for making me think that I’d lost you, for thinking that my life … was over.’

‘Gabe,’ I whispered into the sheet as I felt my heart break for him and then braced myself for the next smacks or for him to ram himself into me and take out his remaining anger on me. He took me by surprise by gently kissing my painful cheeks again.

‘For … for not protecting you. I should have protected you, Mia, I should never have left you at that gym, I should … I should never have left your side. It was my fault. I did this to you baby, I made you suffer.’ I heard him sob and I scrambled up and spun around to face him, the tears streaming down his face mirrored my own. He sank to the floor and covered his face as his entire body shook as he took pained gasps between his sobs. I quickly got up and dropped down beside him, ignoring the pain radiating through my backside as it hit the soft carpeted floor and wrapped my arms around him.

‘You
did
protect me Gabe, you did
everything
right. Adam complained that it was the first opportunity he had to take me because you were always at my side. This is
not
your fault, it’s mine. I broke my promise to you and that’s how he took me, and I can never apologise enough for putting you through that.’

‘I really thought I’d lost you, Mia. ‘I’ve never felt pain like it, not even … not even with …
Mum,
’ he whispered and I gripped him even tighter, knowing how hard that must be for him to say and sad as it was, it reminded me just how much he really did love me.

‘I thought I’d lost you too, but it’s over now,’ I sniffed as I stroked the back of his neck as I felt his tears on my bare chest. ‘I should never have gone to Milo’s, but you’ve broken your promise too. One of my deal breakers was you not being honest with me about your feelings and you’ve hidden this from me, for weeks.’

‘I’ve been so angry with you, with myself, at …
everything
that happened. I couldn’t tell you. I was worried that I’d relapse and burden you, and you’d been through enough, Mia.’

‘We’ve both been through enough Gabe, for a lifetime. No more promise breaking, ok?’ I asked as I wiped my eyes with my forearm. ‘We both have to follow our rules to the max. We’re in this now, to … infinity and beyond.’ I felt him jerk in my arms and heard a mixture of a sniff and a chortle. ‘What?’ I asked, surprised.

‘We’ve just been through the emotional wringer and you’re quoting
Toy Story
to me?’

‘I’m what?’ I wiped my eyes again as he struggled upright and did the same. I hated seeming him like this, all broken and sad. It made my heart hurt more than my bottom.

‘
Toy Story
, “To Infinity and Beyond.”’ He raised an eyebrow at me as I frowned. ‘You’re telling me that the movie queen has never seen
Toy Story
?’

‘No, never heard of it.’

‘Then we’ll watch it on honeymoon, it’s a great film. I used to watch it with Mum and Dad.’

‘Ok,’ I smiled and reached over and wiped the remaining tears off his face. ‘Do you think you can ever forgive me?’

‘For not knowing a quote?’

‘No,’ I laughed, with another sniff. ‘For everything I put you through, for breaking your trust.’

‘I was just angry, angry that you ignored me, yet by doing that you proved me wrong about Milo and you got Adam caught. Ignoring me probably saved you so even though I was still angry at you, I’ve forgiven you already, I forgave you the minute I saw you in that hospital bed. I think it’s me that I need to forgive, I just feel like I let you down somehow.’

‘O, Gabe. You
didn’t
let me down. You’ve been amazing throughout this whole nightmare, but we have to stop obsessing over it. It’s done and it is what it is, we can’t go back and change it. We’re about to start a new chapter in our lives and I want to draw a line under it. I need you to believe how sorry I am for doing that to you and you need to keep being honest with me about your feelings, even if it means we argue. It can’t be smooth sailing all the time.’

‘When’s it ever been smooth sailing?’ he laughed as he reached over and palmed my cheek, rubbing it with his thumb.

‘Fair point,’ I shrugged. ‘But we had a really good run from Vegas to Paris,’ I reminded him as I thought of the wonderful holiday we’d had where I’d told him I was ready for him to propose and that night he did in the Parisian apartment.

‘We sure did,’ he nodded as he smiled back.  

‘So we agree to have another really good run before the next crisis hits, and when it does we talk about it.’

‘Ok. Can we get off the floor? My foot’s gone to sleep.’ He stood up quickly and held his hand out to me and I winced as my bottom grazed the carpet as he pulled me up. ‘What’s wrong?’

‘I’m fine,’ I smiled trying to ignore the throbbing in my cheeks.

‘Mia,’ he warned as he frowned at me.

‘My bottom’s feeling a bit pinker than normal, that’s all.’

‘Shit. Let me see.’

‘Gabe it’s fine, honestly.’

‘I’ll be the judge of that,’ he spun me around and hissed. ‘Damn it Mia, why didn’t you tell me to stop, you’re not pink, you’re bright red.’

‘I wanted you to feel better.’

‘Mia,’ he sighed. ‘Go and lie face down on the bed, I’ll be back in a minute.’

‘Where are you going?’

‘Do as you’re told please, bed, now,’ he ordered as he pointed to it. I smiled to see bossy Gabe back and did as I was told. That was one of the things I really loved about our relationship. Once we did have a knock down bar fight, we always moved on quickly and forgot it. I looked back over my shoulder as he returned.

‘What do you have?’

‘A bag of chipped ice wrapped in a tea towel. Please don’t do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Look at me like that while you kick your feet in the air. You’re all naked and sexy and we still haven’t had sex and I’m all confused about how I feel about that.’