Infinite Love (37 page)

‘You agreed Mia, you agreed to try. You know how important having a family is to me.’

‘And you think I haven’t tried?’ I was mortified. What the hell was this? What was he trying to say?

‘I didn’t mean it like that, of course you’ve tried, but you can’t give up. The chances of us having an ectopic pregnancy again are …
minimal
.’

‘Don’t you
dare
preach statistics to me, Gabe. Did you look at the statistics of a twenty-one year old being diagnosed with such bad endometriosis? Of ruptured cysts? Of having an ectopic pregnancy or losing an ovary, all in the space of two years? Because I think the statistics for those are pretty bloody minimal, yet here we are.’

‘I’m trying to help,’ he sighed.

‘No, you’re making it worse. I was perfectly clear with you that I’m not going through it again, I’m
never
going through it again.’

‘God damn it Mia, this affects both of us,’ he yelled as he launched himself up from the sofa to face me.

‘I know that, you think I don’t know that, Gabe?’

‘Then why the hell are you being so bloody obstinate?’

‘I
physically
can’t do it Gabe, my body is completely screwed.’

‘No it’s not, with the right specialist looking after you we can get you through this.’

‘I can’t believe how insensitive you’re being,’ I gasped as I backed away and wrapped my arms around myself.

‘Insensitive? Jesus fucking Christ. I’ve been Mr. Bloody Sensitive from the word go Mia, what more do you want from me?’

‘To respect my decision, Gabe. I didn’t want to have the IVF in January and you talked me into it, I only did it for you, against my better judgement and look what happened.’

‘So, it’s my fault. That’s what you’re trying to say? Us losing our baby and you losing your ovary? Everything’s my fault?’

‘No, I’m not blaming you. It is what it is. My body simply can’t handle a pregnancy. If I were to try again, I’m at risk of another ectopic or even losing my last ovary and going into early menopause at twenty-one. The risks are too high for me physically, and emotionally. I just can’t do it, Gabe. Be reasonable, I can’t go through this arguing all over again. I thought you understood that I was done.’

‘And I thought you understood that having a child with you was something I wouldn’t bend on Mia, it was one of my deal breakers when we got back together. I’ve been perfectly bloody clear about that from the start, you promised me, remember?’ he glowered. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.  

‘I promised to try Gabe and I
have
, I’ve tried so damn hard but I can’t do it anymore. When we got married you told me that you’d changed your mind. That I was more important, you promised me that. I won’t risk my health, or potentially my life, if I have another rupture, when we have other options.’

‘There are no other options, Mia,’ he yelled.

‘Yes there are. We have some frozen embryos left. We can find a gestational surrogate.’

‘I don’t want that. What don’t you understand about me wanting to have my wife give birth to my own fucking child?’

‘And what don’t you understand about me being hurt that you’re prepared to risk my life to have that child, Gabe? You can’t ask me to do that, you may have had the emotional pain of what we went through, but I was the one who carried the physical pain, me, not you,
me.
You can’t tell me what I can or can’t handle, you don’t know, you couldn’t
possibly
know. You’re being selfish, putting your own desires above my well-being and I can’t believe you’d even ask me to put myself in that position again.’

‘I’m being selfish? I’m being fucking selfish? If you’d listened to me in the first place none of this would have happened,’ he roared as his fists clenched up. I backed away and looked at him hurt.

‘What do you mean?’ I whispered.

‘
You
refused to go to London to see the top specialist,
you
insisted on seeing Dr. Walker and a fat lot of bloody good it’s done us. If you’d done as I asked we wouldn’t be in this fucking mess.’

‘You’re blaming me?’ I gasped.

‘Yes,’ he shot back. I looked at him stunned. ‘You never wanted bloody children did you? I should have listened to you from the start. You were perfectly clear and you tried to make it obvious to me by refusing to see the top specialist. No one can be that unlucky so many times in a row. You must have done something, bloody dancing when you weren’t supposed to be, wearing those sodding heels when I told you to wear flats. You never wanted to have a child with me, well now you’ve made it clear. Don’t worry, I’ve finally got the bloody picture.’

‘I didn’t ask for this, Gabe,’ I yelled, unbelievably angry with him. ‘No, I never wanted children, but you convinced me. I spent ages in therapy for you working on my issues and you know what, I
did
want them. I wanted them so badly and every time I saw another mother and child it would eat me up inside, and each failed attempt just amplified that.
I
wanted that, I wanted to be able to love a child, to give
you
a child because I knew how desperately you wanted it. Do you have any idea how it feels to be a woman who can’t get pregnant? It’s one of our main purposes in life and I can’t even do
that
. I just lost a part of myself, a part of what makes me a woman. How would you feel if you’d just had a testicle removed? You had a virtual
breakdown
over not being able to swim, you seriously can’t put yourself in my shoes and realise how hard this is for me? I don’t understand why you’re being so mean to me. I’ve tried Gabe, I really tried, but I can’t do anymore.’ I started sobbing and flopped down on the sofa.

‘Shit Mia,’ he sighed. I felt him sit next to me and stroke my hair, but I batted his hand away.

‘Don’t touch me,’ I hissed. ‘I’m feeling so hurt right now. You’re trying to force me to do something I don’t want to do, you’ve just accused me of deliberately sabotaging my chances of getting pregnant and blamed me for the loss of … I don’t think I’ve ever felt so let down in my life. By
anyone
. Not even my own damn father has hurt me the way you just have.’

‘That’s unfair. I’m hurting too Mia, and you won’t work with me.’

‘I
have
worked with you, Gabe. I know we’re a couple, but it’s
my
body. I’d never ask you to do anything that would risk you getting physically hurt, yet that’s what you’re asking me to do, I just … I can’t believe it.’ I looked at him through my tears, totally unable to comprehend why he didn’t understand this. ‘Are you having one of your PTSD episodes again? Because this just isn’t you talking.’

‘I’m just asking you to try one more time Mia, with the specialist in London, that’s all.’

‘No, that’s not all. You said “one more time” last year, you begged and you pleaded with me and I couldn’t bear seeing you so distraught, so I went against my better judgement and did it for you. You’ve had your one more time Gabe, it’s gestational surrogacy, adoption or nothing at all.’

‘I don’t accept that,’ he said stubbornly.

‘You don’t have to accept it Gabe, I’m simply telling you that I’m not doing it. I don’t care how much I love you, I’m not doing it. You need to have some time to think about what’s more important to you. Our marriage and the chance of having our baby born to someone else, or your
obsession
with needing me to give birth and putting myself at risk, because if that’s what you truly want, then that’s not the man I want to be with.’

‘O my God, we’re back here! You’re giving me an ultimatum again? Give up my dream or you walk?’

‘It’s not an ultimatum, Gabe. It’s stating facts. I’m
not
doing what you want, if you can’t accept that then that’s your decision, but I won’t be in a marriage where the person who’s supposed to love me unconditionally, in sickness and in health, blames me for what’s missing in his life and makes me feel so …
worthless
. I think we need to take a time out while you reassess. Have a break. Go to New York and stay working there for as long as it takes for you to decide what’s more important to you, and I’ll wait here for your answer. I love you, but I can’t do this anymore, I’m running on fumes and I have no fight left in me.’ He just sat staring at me and I wiped my eyes and went to the bedroom and grabbed my case that was already packed for the trip to New York. As I wheeled it out he stood up and turned to face me.

‘Where are you going?’ he demanded.

‘To sleep at Lexi’s. Ring me from New York when you’ve made a decision.’

‘Don’t you dare walk out that door, Mia,’ he hissed.

‘Gabe, I’m exhausted and I’m really upset with you, I feel let down and hurt. Please don’t make this any harder. Give my love to Robert, Sofia and Ava and I hope the new job goes well.’ I bit my bottom lip as it wobbled and opened the front door.

‘You walk out of that
fucking
door we’re over, Mia,’ he hissed.

‘Gabe, seriously. Don’t be so melodramatic. I’m suggesting a break to re-evaluate and cool down. I’m not leaving you.’

‘I’m not being melodramatic. You’re my wife and I’m ordering you to stay. You
will
stay. We’re going to talk about this until we agree a way forward.’

‘You just don’t get it do you?’ I sighed. ‘We can’t agree Gabe, I
won’t
change my mind and you refuse to change yours. Screaming at each other for the next few hours isn’t going to resolve anything. This is me. Fucked up, unable to give natural birth to your child, me. If you can’t accept me or love me how I am, then there’s nothing to talk about. I want you to seriously think about this because I’m not revisiting this conversation ever again. I will NOT do the IVF and I will NOT spend the rest of my life with a man who blames and resents me. The ball’s in your court now, you take the time to think about whether you can accept me as I am and forgive me for whatever mistakes you think I may have made when it came to losing … losing our baby, or you walk away from me. It’s really that simple. Whatever you decide and despite how horrible you’ve just been to me, I need you to know that you’re the love of my life, you always will be.’ I wiped my eyes on my sleeve and pulled my bag out of the door.

‘If you really love me as much as you say you do, you wouldn’t leave,’ he called. I looked back and saw him wipe some tears from his face.

‘If you loved me unconditionally, you wouldn’t have forced me to.’

‘One last chance Mia, make a decision.’

‘You just made it for me, Gabe,’ I whispered and I closed the door behind me with shaking hands and a broken heart.

I’d done my best to settle into my new life without him. When I’d stepped out nearly two weeks ago, I’d really expected him to call. I thought he’d take a day, or two at most, to realise that what he was asking of me was unreasonable. I thought he’d ring to tell me that he’d thought it over and that he was sorry, that I was more important to him than that. I thought he’d agree that we could try the surrogate route and get back on track. I was a fool. I’d sat waiting for a call that never came. I’d picked up the phone myself, so many times, daily, but I knew in my heart that if he couldn’t forgive me and apologise, I’d never be able to forgive him and we’d never make it. I’d cried for a week solid, with Lexi cursing him at every opportunity. Robert had called, begging me to fly over and try and work it out with Gabe. Sofia had called in tears, saying that I was right. She agreed that I had to stay strong, that I’d given enough of myself and that he had to accept that. She also said that her heart ached for me.
My
heart ached for me.

Part of me hated him for the things he’d said to me, as if I wasn’t feeling guilty enough that I’d failed him, to have him tell me that he blamed me? I hadn’t told Mum yet, I couldn’t bear to, like if I told her it would all become real somehow, that it would mean that we were definitely over. Lexi had given me her key to next door, I’d left mine inside, along with my car keys when I’d left, but I couldn’t step foot in there and didn’t want her to. It was still our house, well his house, and I didn’t want her to go clearing my stuff out until he’d returned and we’d had a conversation about it.

I was taking a high salary from Greyson’s, Lexi was refusing to let me pay rent or anything toward the bills, saying that she owed me. So I’d set back up in my old bedroom and just gone out and purchased a whole new wardrobe and accessories, plus some extra to cheer myself up. I’d thrown myself into work, spending my days there dancing, teaching or sitting in my office doing paperwork. Doug and I communicated by email only, he started that by emailing me queries instead of talking to me, so I started replying by email, but whenever I saw him he’d give me the sympathetic look. He knew. He was obviously in contact with Gabe. I hadn’t told anyone, not even Cindy and Max. Business was business. I saved my tears for at home.

‘So,
please
will you agree to come out with me tonight? We missed girls Friday last night because you were all sad. You spend every night in, sitting on the recliner reading, watching movies or going to bed and crying. You need some fun.’

‘I don’t know if I’m really in the “fun” place yet, Lexi.’

‘You’re letting him win Mia, you’re stuck here moping and he’s probably at the bloody 40/40 club sipping champagne with his hot new secretary,’ she sighed. I gave her a look. Whatever I believed, however much he’d hurt me with his words, he wouldn’t be out partying or chatting up other women. He’d be like me, sitting mulling our marriage over, having therapy to try and resolve his obsession with the guilt over his mum’s accident and trying to decide what to do. I just really hadn’t anticipated it taking more than a few days, let alone nearly two weeks. I was one hundred percent sure that as long as I was Mrs. Mia Austin, he wouldn’t break our vows. Until I got that call from him to say otherwise, I’d never truly believe that we were over. But Lexi was right, I couldn’t spend night after night like this, like some love sick teenager, sitting on the recliner watching my phone, waiting for him to call me.

‘Fine,’ I sighed. ‘Let’s go out.’ I giggled, for the first time in days, as she screamed and raced around the room before launching herself at me for a hug.

‘Come on, we’re going to get you dressed up all sexily, let loads of men eye you up and you’ll feel much better about yourself.’

‘I still love him Lex, I’m still married.’

‘No one says you have to do anything, but after the way he’s been, you need to feel desirable and wanted again. A bit of male attention will perk you up.’ She helped me pin my hair in sexy curls and given how hot it was I put on a pair of tiny black denim cut off shorts, a red backless cowl neck top and a new pair of red patent Louboutins. Lexi went for the denim cut off shorts look too, with a new pair of converse knee highs and a white vest top. We got a taxi to Princes Street and headed straight to Toms bar.

‘This brings back memories,’ she grinned as we lined up at the bar.

‘Yeah,’ I sighed as I looked around. That was where Gabe had thrown me over his shoulder and carried me out, appalled at my drunkenness.

‘Shit, this was a stupid idea wasn’t it? Everywhere we go you’re going to be reminded of him.’

‘It was a great idea, but yeah, lots of memories.’

‘You know what we need to do? We need to go home, to Toddlesworth. We can stay with your mum and go out and get pissed, somewhere that doesn’t have memories of him everywhere.’

‘That would mean telling her.’

‘You can’t keep it secret for ever, Mia.’

‘I know. But you can’t come anyway, you’re in your final year of counselling training, you can’t afford to miss any classes.’

‘Unlike you, Miss Smarty Pants, getting a First with Honours,’ she shoulder bumped me and I smiled. I was so proud of myself when I got my results, after the last three years to have made it through Uni, let alone to come out with a First, was amazing. The first person I’d wanted to share it with was Gabe. I didn’t even know how he’d done in his.

‘Well, I’m sure you’re going to get amazing results in your training. You were so awesome with me this year.’

‘Just this year?’ she looked at me in mock horror.

‘Every year, I wouldn’t have made it without you.’

‘Nor me you. I was so screwed up about Doug and you’ve been so good to me, even with everything else on your plate.’

‘Still no communication?’

‘No. He’s obviously moved on. I was stupid enough to let him take advantage of me when I was vulnerable, he said what I wanted to hear to get out of the room. What more is there to say?’

‘I genuinely think he meant it and got scared.’

‘Well, he’s still with her isn’t he? Just like Gabe’s in New York and we’re both on our own.’

‘You have Orgie,’ I shrugged as I knocked back my Archers and Lemonade.

‘O my God, didn’t I tell you?’

‘Tell me what?’

‘He died,’ she replied with a sad pout.

‘What? When did this happen?’

‘About a month after the whole Doug thing. I needed sex,
so
badly, but I couldn’t bring myself to sleep with anyone, so I went for a marathon session with him and snapped his head off.’

‘You
what?
’ I laughed. ‘How is that even possible?’

‘Don’t clench and pull at the same time. Sound advice to anyone with a cock in their snatch as well.’

‘What have you done with him? Thrown him in the bin?’

‘Mia! He’s my longest ever relationship, he deserves a little more dignity.’

‘If we had a garden we could bury him in it.’

‘Take him home with you, do it at your mums.’ She gave me her best pleading face.

‘O yeah, right. Like I want to touch your broken vibrator, let alone get caught burying it in Mum’s garden, she’ll think I’m bonkers.’

‘You are bonkers.’

‘I know what we can do,’ I clapped. ‘We’re going to make a raft and send him off down the river in a blaze of glory like the Vikings did with great warriors.’

‘He’s a vibrator not a warrior,’ she laughed.

‘Well, he obviously had some serious battles to keep his head for so long if you have a guillotine for a vagina.’

‘You make me laugh sometimes. Ok, warrior raft it is.’

We worked out way up the street, drinking, dancing and some harmless flirting. Lexi was right, being out and having some fun was good for me. We headed into the next place, started making our way to the bar and Lexi stopped dead in her tracks and I ran straight into the back of her.

‘Lexi,’ I giggled. ‘What the hell? I just nearly broke my nose on your bloody shoulder blade.’

‘I’m not feeling it in here, let’s go somewhere else,’ she announced as she spun around.

‘There’s nothing wrong with here, the music’s good, they serve alcohol, it doesn’t stink of sweat. What more do you want?’

‘I dunno. Come on, let’s go further down the street.’ She shoved me and I gasped and shoved her back.

‘What’s your deal? A clean bar is a bar.’ I skipped around her laughing and turned around and stopped dead in my tracks. Standing at the bar was Doug with his arm around Sarah, but what really drew my eye was Gabe. There was my husband, the husband who was supposed to be in New York contemplating the state of our marriage, sitting on a bar stool, with his ex-girlfriend Chelsea’s hand on his shoulder. I felt the bottom drop out of my world as I stood there frozen, unable to take my eyes off them. He was back. He was back and he hadn’t even contacted me. Not only that, he was out with … I swallowed, feeling sick.

‘Mia, come on, let’s go,’ Lexi whispered. ‘Before they see us.’

‘Too late,’ I replied as Chelsea looked around and caught my gaze. She smirked at me as she tucked her hair behind her ear and then turned back to Gabe and kissed his cheek as she ran her hand up his back. I felt my whole body trembling as Lexi grabbed my hand and dragged me through the crowd and hustled me out of the door. I crouched on the floor with my head in my hands.

‘Did you know he was back?’

‘No,’ I gasped between attempting calming breathes.

‘What the hell’s going on then?’

‘Trust me, I’m asking that question myself right now. Please can we go home? I can’t face seeing him if he comes out. Not when I feel so humiliated and angry.’

‘Sure, come on, let’s move up the street to get a cab, I don’t want to be held responsible for my actions if they step outside,’ she said, anger laced through her voice. I nodded and took her hand as she hauled me up. She held my hand all through the ride home as I stared out of the window trying to process what had just happened. Gabe, my
husband
, had returned from New York after two weeks and hadn’t even rung me or come to see me. Instead he was seeing
her.
Seeing him out with any other woman would have hurt so badly, but
her?
How could he? I just couldn’t comprehend that he could ever have hurt me as badly as the words that he’d said to me that last night we were together, but this took me to another level.

Right into the ninth circle of hell.

‘Do you mind if I go to bed?’ I asked as we stepped into the apartment.

‘I’m sure it meant nothing.’

‘You’re not supposed to lie to your best friend, Lexi,’ I replied with a sad smile.

‘It didn’t look good, did it? I could kill him. In fact I’m tempted to go back to the bar and confront him now.’

‘Don’t,
please.
It will make things worse. Please don’t speak to him again. He’s made it clear, he’s obviously made his choice. Having a baby was more important than me, he’s never going to forgive me, which means that my marriage is over. Look at him, running back to
her
the minute the going gets tough. I could have forgiven the rest, but not
that
.’

‘Mia,’ she sighed as she tucked my hair behind my ear. ‘Do you want some company in bed tonight?’

‘Actually, I think I’d really like some time on my own. Do you mind?’

‘No, but you know where I am if you need me.’

‘I do. Love you.’

‘I love you too.’

I hardly slept all night, tossing and turning. I was so confused. We were in love, madly in love. I was sure of it. I couldn’t believe that he would have returned and started seeing
her
. There
had
to be some reasonable explanation, the Gabe I knew would never cheat on me. I took a deep breath and sent him a text.

I’d really like to talk. I know that you’re home and while I’m really upset that you’ve not even contact me, I’m not prepared to give up on us. I still love you. M x

I’d barely put my phone down when a response came back in.

We definitely need to talk. Come over. Right now x

I went to see Lexi to ask her opinion, but she’d left me a note to say she’d gone to get some milk and bread and a chicken for me to do us Sunday lunch, so she’d see me later. I quickly checked my appearance in the mirror and left the front door ajar and went and knocked on my old door, it didn’t seem right to use my key. I heard the latch being lifted and I bit my lip nervously as the door swung wide open.

‘Mia, what can I do for you?’

I blinked a few times, wondering if I was dreaming. But no. Instead of seeing Gabe at the door, standing right in front of me, there
she
was. Chelsea. In my own damn house.

‘I … I …’ I couldn’t function as I took her in. She was barefoot, dressed in only a short red silk blouse that was unbuttoned far enough for me to see that she was braless, and aroused. Her hair was all wet and slicked back and I registered the sound of the shower pouring in the background.

‘What are you doing here, Mia?’ she sighed. ‘You know it’s so sad when someone just doesn’t know when to let go.’

‘Why are you in my house, Chelsea?’ I asked as fury fired me back up again.

‘
Your
house? I think you’ll find that this is Gabe’s house. You were just a lodger, your lease has expired and you’re about to be evicted. You had him, you lost him. You need to move on. Just like he has,
with me
.’

‘Why are you so
hateful
?’ I exclaimed as I battled the tears. And why was Gabe so cruel? To invite me over, to make me see her in the place that we’d built together? I realised he’d done it deliberately. It was his way of telling me that he’d made his decision, a baby
was
more important to him than me. He was telling me that we were over.

‘You took something that never really belonged to you, Mia. Now it’s time to give it back. He was with me first and he’ll be with me last. I told you that
you
were just his layover and you never believed me. I let him go, knowing one day he’d return, see he’s a homing pigeon and I’m his nest, I just had to wait for him to realise it.’