Infinite Jest (201 page)

‘Let’s not forget you though either, H. I can get down for at least the WhataBurger
semis if you get there, if you want incentive.’

‘As in in person, O.?’

‘Word is you’re worth watching now.’

‘Word?’

‘I keep my ear to the cement, Hallie.’

‘At least for very short Subjects, I’d imagine.’

‘We take off for the Patriots that Friday, what is that like the 27th or -8th, but
it’s a Saturday afternoon game. I can be down there by midday Sunday if you’re still
in the thick.’

‘You’ll probably need to wear some sort of sign around your neck so I know it’s you.’

‘…’

‘So then you’ll be up here just as we’re down there, oddly, playing.’

‘It goes without saying you’d give me the advance skinny if anybody I didn’t want
to see was by any chance flying down there with you guys.’

‘The C versus A thing’s been more like grotesque than confidence-building. Guys are
taking out stress in kind of twisted ways. Struck beat Gloeckner in 40 minutes and
then made a show of revealing he’d had 3-kilo ankle-weights on under his socks. Wayne
made van Slack cry right there in front of everybody.’

‘Word is Wayne has exactly one gear.’

‘Then Thursday Coyle had his left wrist tied to his right ankle and was still beating
this new kid Stockhausen until Schtitt sent Tex Watson down to tell him to knock it
off.’

‘So but the reason I’m really calling, Hallie.’

‘And you’re being evasive about the dread about the disabled. The like rolling stalkers.’

‘I haven’t seen wheel one in days. I’m thinking possibly this was a kind of very shy
sort of fan club of people without legs that look up to me—’

‘Grotesque entendre, O.’

‘—as, like, the ultimate leg. They use different ruses to follow me around and never
come close or say anything because they’re really shy because they don’t have legs.
So now my mind’s resting easier.’

‘Now if the roach- and spiders-at-heights fears’d subside you could really hold the
head high.’

‘So the reason I’m calling.’

‘I already said I’d let you know when and if. No sightings of any journalists. Your
Moment
profiler.’

‘I’m actually glad I got you in person. I was going to ask you to call me ASAP.’

‘I’m pleased to call you a sap whenever you like, O.’

‘That’s below you. And I can hear you still chewing that grisly shit. That shit’s
going to make your lower jaw fall right off. I’ve seen it happen down here, believe
me. And you’re wondering why the tooth problems all the time suddenly.’

‘Snuff’s saliva-stimulating. It’s actually oral-hygiene-enhancing, when you factor
in all the extra brushing. The caries are Himself’s legacy. You know that. The Himself
whose root canals put Dr. Zegarelli’s kids through Andover.’

‘This basically nonsocial call, H., is because I need your feedback on some issues
from these half-dozen or so very complex and far-ranging and in-depth conversations
I had with a certain Subject.’

‘Not the mobile-home person, surely.’

‘Whole different ballpark of Subject. The Dickinson theory I have to admit came from
these conversations.’

‘Sounds like one deep lady.’

‘Whole levels and dimensions to this one. We’ve had a whole series of very intense
verbal interchanges. Transcendentalist poetics was just one of the in-depth issues
ranged over. This Subject keeps me on the cerebral toes.’

‘Dickinson’s about as Transcendentalist as Poe. Your Subject’s 0 for 2.’

‘This is all off to the side of the call. I told this Subject I’d consider certain
issues very carefully before I really responded.’

‘Which meant you’d consider what she wanted to hear and how to ladle it on until she
begs you to have intercourse with her.’

‘I hence need considered-sounding responses to two basic questions.’

‘Why this sick thing of making me complicit in these Strategic pursuits when you know
I think they’re troubled and sick? It’s like asking somebody to help you culture anthrax
or something.’

‘Just two questions is all.’

‘Now I’m beginning almost to be able to feel my pulse in the tooth, it feels like
the infection’s gathering force so fast.’

‘Firstly, what does the following word I can’t find in the dictionary mean: s-a-m-i-z-d-a-t.’

‘
Samizdat
. Russian compound noun. Soviet twentieth-century idiom.
Sam
—stem: “self”;
izdat
—undeclined verb: “to publish.” I think the literal denotation’s technically archaic:
the sub-rosa dissemination of politically charged materials that were banned when
the Eschaton-era Kremlin was going around banning things. Connotatively, the generic
meaning now is any sort of politically underground or beyond-the-pale press or the
stuff published thereby. There’s no real samizdat in the U.S. per se, First Amendment–wise,
I don’t think. I suppose ultra-radical Québecois and Albertan stuff could be considered
O.N.A.N.ite samizdat.’

‘Pow.’

‘Not just Séparatisteur pamphlets, now. It’d have to be more incendiary. Materials
advocating violence, destruction of property, disruption of Grids, anti-O.N.A.N. terrorism
and so on. I don’t think O.N.A.N.’s got technical bans per se, I don’t think, but
Poutrincourt said the R.C.M.P.s are empowered to impound literature and even desktop-publishing
and InterLink hardware et cetera without any sort of warrant.’

‘R.C.M.P.’

‘Mounties, O.’

‘The Nelson Eddy guys in silly hats and equestrian jaspers.’

‘Close enough. Next question.’

‘So you’d have no idea why The Mad Stork’s name would come up in connection with somebody
saying
samizdat
.’

‘This is the second question?’

‘Call it 1(a).’

‘Not in any strict sense of the term. I guess I could see some Séparatisteurs trying
to read
The ONANtiad
or
Brick
as anti-Reconfiguration films. Maybe stuff like
Poultry in Motion
. A lot of Himself’s stuff was self-distributed, too. And
Immanent Domain
’s allegedly on one level an allegory about the Concavity, though that overlooks that
Gentle wasn’t even President when the thing came out. But you can tell your Subject
that Himself’s work was all very self-consciously American. His interest in politics
was subordinate to form. Always. And none of it’s banned. Whatever’s still on the
InterLace back-menus is inter-Grid: you can order
The ONANtiad
in Manitoba, Vera Cruz, anywhere.’

‘Speaking of Québec Separatism, interestingly.’

‘Why do I get a sinking feeling this is going to be 1(a)-point-one or something. Maybe
I could call you back tomorrow and we could chat on and on. I’m going to be here reading
for Boards till the Eschaton at 1400. Holiday tolls are low.’

‘It’s my nickel, here.’

‘Or maybe you could simply call the person who’s really the person to chat with about
all issues Canadian, O.’

‘Droll.’

‘Moving right along to question 2, then—my Epsom salts are getting cold.’

‘The big one is what you’d have to say if some tough-minded and spectacular Subject
asked you what you have to say about the way every Nuck Séparatisteur up there, from
the Bloc Québecois and Fils de Montcalm all the way out to the really bug-eyed radical
fringe-type sects and terroristic cells—’

‘I’m going to have to object to the word
Nuck,
O.’

‘Beg pardon. The issue being why the whole Québec-Séparatisteur collection up there
dropped the original Québec-independence objective like a rock and switched seemingly
overnight to putting everything into agitating against O.N.A.N. and the Reconfiguration
and forcing the return of the Concavity to our map.’

‘O., this is O.N.A.N.ite politics. I’d look my Subject right in the big blue eye and
tell her straight-out that the field of nanomicroscopy is not yet advanced enough
to measure my interest in the intricacies of O.N.A.N.ite politics. Poutrincourt’s
class is disquieting enough. The whole thing’s unpleasant and dry and repetitive and
mostly dull. Thevet has a kind of compelling romanto-historical yarn to spin, though,
about—’

‘I’m serious. You’ve had some background, at least. The only Nuck prorector we ever
got taught ceramics.’

‘But you’re the one with the Pléiades and the 5 on the French Achievement boards and
the ability to trill your
R
’s.’

‘That’s Parisian. And now I don’t even watch the sports summaries, much less the political
stuff. Just try for just one second. This Subject raised issues that were way out
of my depth.’

‘That’s not even coherent enough to be a mixed metaphor, O. Are you honestly telling
me you want your depth increased? Or are you just looking for some Cliff-Note summary
so you can incorporate the impression of depth into some new panty-removal campaign?
Are you going to tell her you studied O.N.A.N.ite politics under the Jesuits?’

‘The whole thing was dicey. I had to tell the Subject that I had to think about it
and ponder, that I always took time to ponder at depth before I just dashed off an
opinion.’

‘And don’t tell me: this is your
Moment
profiler? Your Boswell in an E cup? Is this why she’s en route? Was the whole familio-historical
profile story last week a dodge? Am I really just supposed to sit down with her and
paint you now as a political-minded ex-seminarian who’s married to someone only some
sort of heroically proportioned goddess could tempt you to betray? Because I’ll tell
you right now that Schtitt’s not going to let any of us here talk to anybody from
some glossy rag like
Moment
without him or deLint sitting right there with us. Gone are the days of Himself not
caring how many who’s-the-next-Venus-Williams-hype journalists haunt the grounds,
man. Schtitt’s now calling the shots on who talks to whom. DeLint has a whole scathing
appendix to the Admissions Manual about junior development and toxic hype.’

‘Helen’ll be able to get in.’

‘Schtitt’s not going to let me hype your political acuity or pseudo-wife or anything
else. He’s got C.T. seeing this place as a sort of prophylactic against commercial
attention. He thinks junior commercial attention’s deforming. The Manual now invites
us to see ourselves as in utero and hype as thalidomide. Schtitt’ll let her in and
stick her in with C.T. and let C.T. filibuster her till she throws herself out the
window like that journalist from Condé Nast last fall.’

‘Forget the profile. Speak to her or don’t. This is personal.’

‘Meaning you’ve discovered she has small children and maybe a marriage you can deform.’

‘I’m ignoring all this. Helen’s a different sort of Subject. I’ve discovered levels
and dimensions to Helen that have nothing to do with profiles.’

‘Meaning she’s a tough nut. Meaning you’ve set your crosshairs and she hasn’t succumbed.
And she knows you’re not married and not a tormented Jesuit. She’s Strategy-resistant
because she knows too much to fall for a persona.’

‘Co-ponder with me a second, if you’re through. Stop me at any time. Jump right in
at any time. On both the ultra-left and -right, the brass ring up there has always
been independent secession for Québec, historically, no? Am I off? The Fronte Libération
and so on? The Fils de Montcalm. Or is it maybe
du?
Are they the ones in Spandex and pancake makeup? The giant pies dropped on Ottawa
after the third Meech Lake Accord?’

‘…’

‘Parizeau et all and so on. Feel free to stop me or jump in. It all’d been about getting
Québec out of Canada, right? The Meech Lake and Charlottetown revolts. The Crétien
assassination. “Notre Rai Pays.” Terrorists in plaid flannel. French Canada for the
Francophonic. Acadian Zionism. “La Québecois Toujours.” “On ne parle d’Anglais ici.”
’

‘With all the terrorism especially directed at Ottawa, pressure on Ottawa and Canada.
“Permettez Nous Partir, Permettez Nous Être.” Or we blow up the Frontenac. Or we irradiate
Winnipeg. Or we put a railroad-spike through Crétien’s eye. This is not exactly deep-depth,
O.’

‘Yes and then but suddenly everything changes when Ottawa, under duress or no, puts
itself under the surgically sterile like thumb of O.N.A.N., with the advent of O.N.A.N.,
Gentle, quote unquote Experialism.’

‘You don’t sound like you need any input from me on all this, O.’

‘But so but then in
immediate unison
all the various different Separatist groups drop secession and independence like
rocks and all transfer their insurgent resentment to O.N.A.N. and the U.S., and now
insurge against O.N.A.N. on behalf of the same Canada they’d spent decades treating
like the enemy. Does this seem a little bit odd?’

‘…’

‘Doesn’t this seem a little odd, Hallie?’

‘I’m really the wrong blood-relative to ask about the intricacies of the Canadian
radical mind, O. We have a blood-relative who’s got dual citizenship, if you recall.
Who I’m sure’d be overjoyed to ponder Separatist ideological flux with you all you
want and then some. I’m sure. Once her jaw recovered from being unhinged by joy that
you actually called.’

‘I’m slapping not one but both knees at the dro—’

‘ ’d you know she’s never once asked me whether Booboo and I hear from you? Not once.
A sort of appalled pride. She’s ashamed of even hurting over it, some—’

‘Kidding all off to the side, I’m serious about this. The oddness of it. You know
I respect your frontal lobes, Hallie. I’m asking for depth, not any kind of expertise.’

‘You just ignored the meat of everything I just said. You’re like an old person about
this. With an old person’s weird selective hearing.’

‘I’m going to let this whole pot-insulting-the-kettle on selective awareness of things
just slide right on by. As a gesture that this is a serious call. Why they all seemingly
with one mind switched objectives.’

‘And acting on behalf of the whole of Canada, Québec, suddenly, is what you want explained.
Or do you simply want it confirmed as odd?’