Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) (7 page)

“Please don’t lead me to him,” I whispered. That’s when I felt Adam’s arms around me. I grasped him tightly as tears began streaming down my face. I turned to look at him. He gently wiped my tears away. He kissed me so sweetly. He was my world, how could he not respond when I called him.

“I’m here now,” he apologized, kissing my eyes, my cheeks and my mouth.

“I’m so sorry. I was jealous of how quickly you were attracted to him. I’m sorry. You belong to me, but I don’t own you,” he said, again feverishly kissing me.

“I wasn’t attracted to him. I missed you,” I tried to explain to him as well as to myself.

“I should not have told you to go. You should not have met Hayden tonight,” he said, as he looked out the window.

“How do you know him?” I asked, feeling nervous.

“He has changed your destiny, he has changed
our
destiny,” he said quietly, looking away from me again. I grabbed his face with both my hands, looking him in the eye.

“You cannot leave me!” I said furiously. “You saved me, you kept me here. You made me stay here in this prison when I tried to escape. Now you owe me your life. I cannot live without you.” I tried to explain how I felt to him.

“
I
will not leave you,” he said frightening me, just by the way he said `
I’
.

“Do you really think
I
will leave you?” I asked, not wanting to hear his reply.

“The future is already set, I just want to enjoy the time I have with you now,” he explained, looking intensely into my eyes. I could not refuse him anything he wanted. I just prayed he was wrong. How could I possibly leave him? I needed him more than I needed food. I grabbed him again and pulled him to me. I wanted to smell him and feel him. I let my fingers massage his shoulders, then I traced his arms, I rubbed his chest. I let my hands slide down to his waist. He grabbed them and kissed them.

“Not yet,” he said, restraining himself more than I was capable of.

“Why?” I asked, not sure if it was passion or the alcohol that was making me mad with desire.

“I just want to hold you. Don’t question my love, just let me hold you,” he begged.

“Just promise me you won’t leave,” I moaned, curling into his chest again.

“I will be with you for as long as you need me to be,” he repeated as if it was some sort of mantra, he had to convince himself of.

6. DANCE

Winter was upon us again and the house seemed even draftier than the year before. I was able to hang extra blankets on my window to keep the wind from freezing me while I slept. I was so grateful to have Adam around so much. He continued to act as my heater. He never asked for more than just to hold me.

I was still friends with Justin. He kept trying to get me to go out more with him, but I was afraid of running into Hayden. He had told me that Hayden asked about me from time to time.

“I told him you were crazy but he doesn’t believe me,” Justin joked.

“Well, we both know you’re crazier than me,” I said, not exactly joking.

“There is a new dance club opening up in the next town over. A bunch of us are going. It might be fun, if we have a few hits before we get there. What do you say? I promise I’ll be able to get you home,” he tried to reassure me.

“I’ll think about it,” I replied. The idea of dancing sounded good, I did like to dance and it has been awhile since I’ve gone out with my friends.

On Friday I told Adam I had agreed with Justin to go dancing Saturday night. At first he didn’t mind, but later that night he seemed to change his mind.

“Why are you going with Justin? You know he’ll endanger your life. He is never sober. I really don’t think you should go,” he said, looking out the window.

“I just want to go so that I can dance. There are other people going, maybe one of them will drive if Justin can’t.” I tried to soothe him.

“We can dance here,” he said, as he turned on my radio and reaching for my waist, he twirled me around the room.

“You’re good.” I smiled at him.

“Thanks, I have never had lessons. I must be a natural,” he said, grinning.

“If you really don’t feel comfortable with me going then I won’t,” I said, trying to make him happy. He just frowned.

“Seriously though, if I was to get in an accident and die, wouldn’t I be able to come back here to you? Wouldn’t we be able to be phantoms together, forever?” I asked. Just the idea sent amazing shivers down my back, the idea of living with him always, going where we wanted whenever we wanted to, sounded like a dream come true. He didn’t look as happy as me with the idea.

“Well, I guess being with me all the time, forever, might not sound so good to you,” I said, concerned I had upset him somehow.

“I wish it worked like that, my eternal love, I really do. If you died now, you might go straight to heaven and I would still be here, alone.”

“How do you know if I’m going to heaven or hell? How do you know that I won’t be able to stay here with you?” I answered, still questioning the possibility of being with him forever.

“I don’t know why I’m still here. I think it has something to do with you. I never asked to remain. After the car crash, before my support was pulled at the hospital, I saw my parents. They smiled at me and waved, they mouthed the words, `see you soon’ and then they vanished. I was to die a few hours later. I lied to you when I said I hadn’t talked with anyone in over a year, it has been forty two years Natalie and I am still here. You are the only living soul I have talked to in forty two years. Do you really think I want to risk losing you? What if you go and I still have to stay here. That is what I call hell and I don’t know what I have done to deserve this. Please try to understand, if there was any chance of you being here with me forever, I would jump at it, but the alternative is just too frightening!” He leaned against the wall sliding down to the floor, looking completely exhausted. I went to him, wrapping my arms around him, but I couldn’t stop thinking about everlasting life with him. There must be a way. I can never leave him but I cannot spend my life here either.

On Saturday night, Justin picked me up first. He was already into something and I started to feel nervous as we drove onto the hi-way.

“Are you okay to drive?” I asked, knowing that I couldn’t take over the wheel. I was hoping to learn to drive someday, but my father always had our car. I turned sixteen over a year ago now, maybe the next time he’s back I’ll see if he can teach me.

“I’m just fine, don’t worry so much. How old are you anyway, thirty seven?” he replied sarcastically. I was starting to miss Adam already. He had left before Justin arrived. He said he wanted to go for a walk. It was obvious he wasn’t happy with me. I don’t know why I wanted to go, I just felt like I had too. We picked up Christie and a few other girls from school.

“Hey Natalie, I didn’t think you were really going to show. It’ll be fun, everybody’s going. Here, take a swig,” Christie said as she handed me a beautifully engraved silver flask.

“You’re crazy,” I said as I obeyed her request and took a sip. I took a few more before handing it back to her. I was hoping it would calm my nerves. I was starting to feel anxious. I had butterflies in my stomach and I wasn’t sure why.

We arrived safely at the club. Justin grabbed my hand as we walked in. I smiled at him, unsure as to why he felt the need to hold my hand. He knew we were just friends. I didn’t bother to pull away though. I believed it was innocent enough. He led me through the crowded dance floor to a set of stairs that lead up to a loft. The lights were dim but there was a flashing strobe light, so I was able to make out faces. I recognized David and Leeann from school. There were a few familiar faces from the last party I went to back in the summer, but I couldn’t remember their names. The group of them up here had moved all the chairs to one side of the room so they could sit on the floor. Some of them were lying down others were sitting on the floor resting their heads against the wall. They stared at us as we reached the top step as if it was a miracle, like we flew or something. I couldn’t help but smile and laugh. Justin sat down on the floor beside a beautiful looking boy named Marcus. He introduced us as he grabbed my wrist to pull me down beside him.

“It’s nice to meet you Marcus,” I said smiling. I looked back at Justin.

“I did come here to dance you know,” I informed him.

“I know, but stay with us for a minute more, please?” he begged, looking like he really wanted me too.

“Alright, just for a minute,” I sighed as I leaned against the wall beside him. He handed me a drink. I took a few sips than a few more, before I realized it, I had finished it. I sat and chatted for a while longer than stood up. As soon as I stood the room started to spin.

“What the hell was in that drink?” I shouted at Justin, barely audible over the music. I walked away, not even looking back at him. I was so mad. It hadn’t dawned on me what had really happened until I was on the dance floor. He had drugged me. What did he give me? I looked up at the loft and was shocked to see him looking down at me, unsmiling, with Hayden beside him. Did Hayden tell him to do it? What do I have ahead of me tonight? I decided to stay close to Christie. I tried to dance and look like I was having fun. Christie didn’t seem to notice anything was wrong.

Later, during one of the songs, my head began to spin. The floor seemed to be moving. Christie grabbed my arm as I nearly fell. That’s when Hayden appeared at my side.

“Let me help you off the floor,” he said smiling.

“What did you do to me?” I asked, shaking. He quickly picked me up and carried me up the steps to the loft. He set me down in a corner and sat beside me. My head fell to his shoulder. I didn’t want to be near him but I was unable to move.

“Why did you do this to me?” I cried.

“It wasn’t me Natalie, it was that idiot Justin,” he said flatly, looking around the room for him, but he wasn’t there.

“He told me you wanted it, but I didn’t believe him,” he explained.

“I wanted what and what is it going to do to me and how long is it going to last?” I asked, not really wanting to hear the reply.

“Once you get your balance back you’ll probably not want to stop dancing. It might last a few hours. Don’t worry. I’m not going to let you fall. I’m going to stay with you,” he said. I wanted to trust him but I still wasn’t convinced this was Justin’s idea. Hayden was right, the room did stop spinning and I started to feel happy, almost giddy.

As I looked around the room, people were smiling and when they moved they seemed to leave a trail of colors. It was really quite beautiful. I just sat there watching everybody, squeezing Hayden’s hand. Marcus came over and sat in front of me.

“Are you feeling better?” he asked.

“I think so,” I said touching his pretty face. He had light blue eyes and his blond hair was cut in different angles and lengths. He grabbed my hands and kissed them, completely ignoring Hayden beside me. He quickly pulled me up and brought me to the dance floor. We danced for what seemed like hours. It was two o’clock in the morning when the club closed. I was exhausted but strangely happy. I gave Marcus a hug goodnight. Hayden was going to drive me home. It sounded crazy but I came to think of him as my protector now. He was there to watch out for me and keep me safe. Christie was going to drive Justin’s car home with a few other people. I watched them cram into his car. Hayden thought it would be too dangerous if I went with them since there wouldn’t be enough seatbelts to go around. I agreed after remembering Adam’s concerns. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. I hoped this alternative would make him happier, but he wouldn’t be thrilled about it.

As we drove in silence, I was starting to come down quickly. I noticed Hayden kept glancing at me every chance he could.

“Are you feeling okay? We can stop if you need some air,” he offered.

“No, thank you though. I’m just feeling really tired now,” I explained.

“That happens. Did you have fun though, that’s the important part?” he asked.

“Strangely, I did,” I smiled.

“I knew you were a bad girl as soon as I met you,” he mused.

“I think you’re probably right,” I sighed. I couldn’t help but look at him as we continued to drive in silence. The only light was from the passing cars. His dark hair was still slightly spiked, but it seemed softer this time. His face was rigid, sharp chin, blue eyes and his lips were tight. As I watched him it seemed like he was trying to restrain himself from saying something.

When we reached my house, he stopped on the side of the road again, not entering my driveway. I still found this odd, but didn’t question him. I was just happy I was home, safe and sound. Hayden held the door for me as I climbed out, for a devil he certainly had good manners, Justin could learn from him, I thought.

“Thank you again for the ride home Hayden. You really are becoming my private chauffeur,” I joked.

“You’re welcome Natalie. Anytime you need me I’ll be here,” he said this a little more seriously than I thought was necessary. He glanced up to the top floor of my house and smiled. He looked back to me and kissed my forehead.

“I’ll see you again soon,” he said as he opened his door. He rolled down his window to wave goodbye. I slowly waved back before I turned toward my house. I knew there was more going on than I was able to comprehend. It was almost as if Hayden knew someone was up there waiting for me. I saw Adam in the window but I didn’t think Hayden would have been able to.

I quickly walked inside and shut the door. I was so lost in thought I hadn’t noticed the music and voices coming from inside. I was completely stunned when I looked up and saw my father’s angry face right in front of me. I did not want to deal with this now. I knew what was coming. I could tell by the strong smell of liquor on his breath that he had been drinking for a while. The party was in the back room, they wouldn’t be able to hear me scream from here. I guess it didn’t matter if they did. None of his friends would intervene.

“I’m just going upstairs,” I said, hoping he would walk away. It was like trying to calm a wild dog. I slowly walked toward the stairs without turning my back to him. I knew instantly it wasn’t going to work, as he bellowed.