Indwell (Chasing Natalie's Ghosts) (2 page)

I was numb. I wanted it all to end. I couldn’t go on like this. I was exhausted. I was done. I walked around the house. I had never been in the backyard before, and what I didn’t know was that if you kept walking eventually you would come across a fast running river. I walked towards it like it was calling to me. The river was frozen around the edges, but below the thin layer of ice in the middle, you could see the water still running. It was pretty. I sunk down onto the bank, feeling as though the river was summoning me forward. I knew I had to fight it. I was starting to lose faith in myself though. I could not ignore it. The river was my answer. I could just walk out there until I broke through the ice. I didn’t know how deep it was, but it was fast and wide. I would freeze before getting back to the shore. I could picture this in my mind. It seemed like the answer I was looking for. As I began to step forward I saw someone. I stopped and looked through the trees across the river. The sky was dark and grey, casting black shadows on the empty trees. Someone was there, I felt it somehow. He was standing at the edge of the river now, straight across from me. He was staring at me. He didn’t look evil or scary. He actually looked quite beautiful. His stare wasn’t menacing, it was more like he was curious as to what my next step was going to be. He was waiting for me to move. He was watching me.

I thought of Cheveyo for the first time in years. Losing him was so painful that I would cry myself to sleep for months afterward. Why am I thinking of him now? Will this beautiful boy go away from me too? It doesn’t matter.

“I’m going into the river,” I whispered to myself. I saw him nod, but I knew there was no way he could have heard me from across the river.

I took another step onto the ice. He was still there. He took a step onto the ice at the same time I did. Again I stepped and so did he. I wanted to shout at him to stop. This wasn’t his problem, it was mine. I took another step, stepping quicker now. I heard the ice start to creak. Any closer and I’d probably go in. I was compelled to continue. I wanted it. I stepped again, and then I started to run. I felt the ice give way. I closed my eyes as I felt myself falling. I quickly realized I wasn’t wet or cold. As I opened my eyes, I looked down and saw his arms wrapped around my waist. We were back on the edge of the river, as if I had never been out there at all.

“Why did you do that? How did you do that?” I cried. I was feeling angry and amazed all at once. I looked up into his grey-blue eyes and saw he was smiling at me.

“Is this funny to you?” I said, annoyed now. How dare he be so smug when I was feeling so vulnerable?

“I’m sorry,” he said, his voice sounding sincere.

“I don’t want to upset you. I only want to save you,” he said.

“Save me from what?” I asked bitterly.

“I wanted to save you from the freezing cold water. I didn’t want to watch you tremble uncontrollably and turn blue. I know the cold water would have settled into your lungs making it hurt too much to breathe, so much so that you would have to stop trying. That’s basically what I was trying to save you from,” he explained calmly.

“Maybe that’s exactly what I wanted,” I whispered, more to myself than him. That’s when he reached for me, wrapping his arms around me. He lifted my feet out of the snow and placed them on his boots. It was such a sweet thing to do. I immediately felt warmer. I almost felt happy. I almost forgot why I was out here to begin with. He carefully placed his arms under my legs and lifted me up.

“You don’t have to carry me,” I told him, although I really didn’t want him to put me down as he began to walk towards the house. I rested my head on his shoulder as he carried me effortlessly through the snow to the back door. I felt so safe and warm in his arms. He set me down on the back porch.

“Will you go inside and rest now? I’ll come back later to see you, I promise,” he smiled and I felt my cheeks begin to burn.

“I do feel tired but do you promise to come back, really? Why?” I asked, not feeling too hopeful.

“Of course I will. I’ll stay for as long as you need me too,” he turned away.

“WAIT!” I yelled.

“Oh-no!” I whispered as he turned back to me. He can’t come back later and see me. I can’t have anyone over at this place. It is not a place for friends to visit.

“Can I meet you somewhere else, instead of you coming to see me here?” I asked, unsure of where in this village I could possibly meet him.

“Please don’t worry. I’ll be here when you’re ready to see me again,” he said smiling.

“But I am ready. I do want to see you, just not here at my house,” I begged, not really understanding what he meant by `ready’. I just didn’t want to lose this new friend so soon.

“How about I meet you outside? Just please try and dress warmer. I’ll be waiting for you. Don’t worry. I’ll see you again soon. Now please go in and warm up,” he ordered. I nodded and walked inside. I wasn’t sure how I felt anymore.

2. ADAM

As I stretched out on the floor, recuperating from my earlier emotional episode, I couldn’t stop thinking about him. I think I even dreamed about him when I dozed off. I don’t even know his name, where he came from or how he saved me. Why did he even bother? He was so attractive with his disheveled blond hair, serious smile and wide strong shoulders. I should know I rested against them. He smelled of cedar, like the trees that used to surround one of the houses I lived in when I was a little girl. It was such a familiar scent. His dark jeans and simple long sleeve black shirt looked so nice with his black wool coat.

He carried me effortlessly through the snow and he was so warm. I have had a chill I haven’t been able to shake in weeks. Usually I am only warm when I am at school, which is probably why I had been sneaking off to the library every chance I could get. I just wanted to sit comfortably in the cushioned chairs and sleep for just a few minutes in the warmth. One day I accidently missed second period because I slept too long.

If only he could come over here now. He could sneak up to my room with me, and I could just sleep in his arms. An image of Anton appeared before me, a memory of him holding me actually. I felt his warmth spread through me. It left as quickly as it came. I sighed, feeling the pain of losing him again. This strange boy is going to think I am crazy. I told him I wanted to take a swim in the frozen river. That’s when my depression decided to hit me again. Reality check Nat, you’re sixteen, he was definitely older. He is beautiful. You are a skinny, poor and psychotic girl. Really now, what are the chances that he will be out there waiting for you? I already need him and where is he? I started to fall sleep again, still envisioning his face.

I dreamed I was drowning. I actually slid on the ice and fell into the fast flowing river. I was unable to grab hold of the icy edge and was being pulled further and further downstream. Every time I tried to grab hold of the edge I was pulled faster. Eventually my hands wouldn’t move anymore and I started to sink. He was there, under the frozen water with me. He grabbed me around the waist and started to swim up to the top. I awoke with a jolt when he had me safely on shore. He even saves me in my dreams, I thought, smiling. I quickly stood up, startling my mother.

“Are you feeling better now?” she asked.

“Yes, thanks mom. I’m sorry I ruined Christmas morning,” I apologized.

“No, darling, you didn’t ruin anything. We’re going to get better. Things are going to improve. We will get our furniture soon. Remember Natalie, things can always be worse,” she said smiling. I didn’t have the heart to remind her that things could always be better too, like I usually did when she threw that line at me.

Luke was napping now and John had gone over to a friend’s house down the street. I was jealous that he already had a friend close by, a place he could escape to. I have seen Paul’s house and I knew that he had a lot of brothers and sisters. I could just imagine the energy in that house today. They’ll probably invite John to stay for dinner. How could he refuse? What celebration would he be missing at home today? We were given a ham and some canned vegetables and potatoes for dinner, and an apple pie for dessert. I must admit I was looking forward to eating today.

“I’m going to go out for a walk,” I told my mother as I put on my coat, hat and mitts. I wrapped her scarf around my neck too, just a little extra to make him happy, if he’s even out there. I doubted he would be.

“Be safe,” she said, looking at me a little skeptically. She knew I wasn’t right in the head. I knew she knew. She’s seen depression. She’s been depressed.

“I need you well Natalie,” she said as I walked out the door. Closing it behind me, I was feeling annoyed with that last comment, like I wasn’t allowed to be sad. I wasn’t allowed to fall to pieces because she needed me to hold her together. That was not fair. I was the child. It should not be my responsibility to keep my mother sane. Just as I began to feel the hopelessness rise again, he was walking beside me. I hadn’t even heard him approach. I didn’t hear his boots crunch in the snow like mine did. He grabbed my hands and folded them in his. He blew on them to warm me. Little did he realize that not only did he warm my fingers, I felt warm all over, all the way down to my toes. I smiled at him and laughed.

“Thank you, that feels so good, you have no idea,” I said, the smile on my face starting to hurt. It wasn’t something I did often.

“So you need me already, I see,” he said grinning.

“No, I’m just getting some fresh air,” I said looking back at him. He held my hand as we continued walking.

“What’s your name?” I asked.

“Adam,” he replied. I smiled at him. Now I knew him. Or so I thought, but I knew nothing of him then.

A few days later our father showed up with all of our stuff. I was so happy and so angry with him all at the same time.

“Why did it take months for you to get here?” I asked when everything was emptied out of the truck.

“I am truly sorry, I really am. I did the best I could. I’m here now and I promise I’ll warm this place up. I’ll fill the fridge up with food. I’ll take you shopping for some clothes. You’re going to be okay now, you’ll see,” he explained to the weak, tired and cold faces that stared up at him. Here we were, so pathetic we believed every word coming out of his mouth.

As I was making my bed that night I started to cry, tears just poured from my eyes. I fell onto the floor and curled up into a tiny ball and cried. Pain was searing in my sides from the shaking. I came up to breathe and noticed Adam was here, in my room. He knelt down beside me and gently placed my head on his lap. He stroked my hair and waited for my tears to slow. I crawled up to rest my head on his shoulders and wrap my arms around his neck. He was so warm. I couldn’t believe how comfortable I felt with him. Slowly I stopped crying. I began to smile as he wiped my face with his sleeve.

“Are you feeling better now?” he whispered.

“I think so. I’m sorry,” I said, I was feeling embarrassed.

“No Natalie, don’t ever be sorry for this. You have every right to feel so betrayed. I am here to help you through this. Like I said, whenever you need me, I’ll be here.” He seemed so sincere for someone I just met.

“How did you know I was, well I mean, how did you know I could use a friend?” I asked, still unsure of why he felt I needed him so much, not to say that I didn’t but why he cared still surprised me.

“I just knew. I’ll always know. You belong to me now,” he spoke so seriously, so sweetly, that all I could do was smile and curl up closer to him. I have never felt like I belonged to anyone. I didn’t think anyone wanted me to belong to them. I was just so happy at that moment that my bed and everything else in my room didn’t matter anymore. All I needed was Adam, here with me. I didn’t even think about what my parents would do if they found this boy in my room, but at that moment I didn’t care. I didn’t even think about how he got in here. I didn’t want to know, because maybe if he told me, it would change things. I didn’t want anything to change. I just wanted him here in the middle of my room, holding me and stroking my hair. I must have fallen asleep in his arms because the next thing I remember was waking up in my bed, my blankets covering me.

My father held true to his word for weeks. We had food in the fridge. I think I even started to gain some weight. I was five foot two and barely ninety pounds. I definitely didn’t look like I belonged in high school. The top of my plaid uniform skirt was rolled up not just to make it shorter, like the other girls, but to keep it from falling off of me. I had pale white skin, big brown eyes, long black eyelashes and long brown hair. I was told on many occasions that I looked like my mother. We could pass for sisters. I think she was skinnier than me if that was possible. She never wore a bra. I used to think that was just a hippy thing but now I think it was because it was just unnecessary. She was just too thin to bother. She was beautiful though. When you looked at her, especially those rare moments when she smiled or laughed. Her high cheek bones, large brown eyes and full red lips. She was small but quite striking.

3. BURSTING

Every day when I returned home from school Adam was waiting for me. I would run up to my room, drop my backpack and jump into his strong arms. We would spend hours just talking. I would tell him about my uneventful day at school, about my new friends and the homework I had to do. Sometimes he would tell me about the school he used to go to. He graduated last spring.

One day we were just lying on the floor when he began to tell me about his parents for the first time. “They loved nature. My dad was an avid bird watcher. He used to be a music professor but decided to retire to research birds and their habitats. My mother would have followed him anywhere. She was a writer. She wrote children’s stories mostly.

Unfortunately they both passed away in a car accident over a year ago, they were coming back to this small town from an evening in the city. My parents loved to go to the symphonies and the theater. So my dad happily accepted tickets from his friends still in the industry. They were quietly listening to the evening radio classics, driving northbound when their car veered to far over and a transport truck hit them head on.”