Incarnate (6 page)

Seth was frowning though. “She does look older than fourteen. Does she have to wear such short skirts?”

Anna was wearing a fluttery skirt that reached just above her knees. “That’s not a short skirt. We’re not living in the nineteenth-century, you know.”

“Too bad.”

With a sigh, Erin looked back at Seth when Anna had disappeared into the bathroom. “He wasn’t really leering at her, was he?”

Seth’s mouth tilted up just slightly. “He might have been.”

Erin covered his hand with hers on the table. “You really are the most adorable man.”

With a half-sneer, Seth said coolly, “I’d prefer a word more dignified than adorable.”

Erin snickered appreciatively, giving his hand a fond squeeze. Then she said seriously, “It’s going to take more than that to deal with this, though.”

“I know. But I have to start somewhere.”

When Anna returned, they ordered dessert, and Anna’s chocolate peanut-butter torte was almost enough to distract her from her preoccupation with the handsome young man behind her.

After they’d finished, Seth stood up and nodded toward the dance floor, where couples had started to dance. He extended his hand to Erin, but his eyes held a significant look that she understood.

She shook her head. “I’m tired and my feet hurt in these shoes. I don’t feel like dancing. Sorry.”

Seth frowned. “So you’re going to just leave me hanging?” He sounded genuinely peeved. Then he turned to Anna, extending his hand to her instead.

“Dad,” Anna objected with a familiar soft whine.

“So I’m rejected by both of my women?” Seth demanded.

“Dance with him, sweetie,” Erin told her daughter, “or we’ll never hear the end of it. He’s really not a bad dancer.”

Anna relented and Seth led her to the dance floor. Erin had a marvelous, sentimental time watching the girl dance with her father. She couldn’t help but wonder what Seth was saying that made Anna smile that way. She knew it was supposed to be a private time between the two of them, but Erin was determined to interrogate Seth later that night to find out what had been said.

She was so focused watching the dance floor that she gave a little jump when a voice spoke from beside her, “You’re far too beautiful a woman to be left by yourself at the table.”

Her eyebrows shot up at such blatant flattery, but she relaxed when she looked up to see a familiar face. Mark Benanni was a local attorney whom Erin had met at any number of cocktail parties and social gatherings. He was an attractive man in his fifties, with silvering dark hair, flashing Italian eyes, and an urbane charm Erin had always liked.

She grinned up at him. “You’re as full of crap as ever, I see.”

Mark laughed warmly and stretched out a hand toward her. “Since you’ve been deserted by your family, maybe you’ll do me the honor. My table was getting deadly dull.” He nodded toward a table in a far corner filled with business and political types Erin knew only too well.

“Thank you,” she responded with another smile, taking his hand and letting him help her to her feet. “I’d love to.”

She walked with Mark to the dance floor and laughed delightedly when he swung her into a fancy, old-fashioned spin before he pulled her into his arms. They chatted about the restaurant, about Mark’s boring dinner, about how quickly Erin’s daughters were growing up, and about the legal work Erin was doing now for non-profit organization that assisted homeless teenagers.

Erin was soon having such a good time she forgot to keep her eye on Seth and Anna. Erin loved her life—loved being Seth’s wife and Mackenzie and Anna’s mother. But sometimes that was all she felt like. And it was a nice change to be treated, to feel, like an attractive, intelligent woman who had something to offer the world at large.

She was enjoying herself so much she didn’t see Seth approach—until he brusquely pulled her out of Mark’s arms with a curt, “This is my dance.”

Erin blinked and instinctively resisted his arm around her waist. “Seth,” she objected, glancing over to Mark’s startled face. “I was dancing with Mark.”

“I saw that. Now you can dance with me.” Seth wasn’t glowering or simmering as he’d been before in his mock resentment of Anna’s pseudo-admirer. But he was ice-cold and his words were clipped.

“Well, there’s no reason to be rude.” Erin’s spine stiffened as she frowned at her husband. “Mark has been—”

“I saw what Benanni has been.”

Erin’s mouth dropped open in astonishment, and Mark’s face twisted with barely suppressed amusement.

He reached over to take Erin’s hand. “A wise man always knows the most strategic time to retreat. I believe I’ll take your husband’s suggestion.” Ever charming, Mark lifted her hand to his lips.

“I’m sorry,” Erin told him, with a sheepish shrug. “Thank you for the lovely dance.”

Seth made a growling sound when Mark didn’t release Erin’s hand soon enough. But Mark just chuckled and flashed one more wide smile—his teeth beautifully white in his tanned face—as he walked away.

Seth was stiff and silent when he pulled Erin against him as the music eased into a slow, romantic tune.

“For God’s sake,” Erin grumbled. “What the hell is your problem? Mark was polite and charming. He didn’t do anything to deserve that.”

“So now groping another man’s wife in public is considered polite and charming?” Seth’s words were edged with acid. “My mistake.”

“Groping?” Erin choked, her hands tightening on Seth’s shoulders. “What are you—”

“His hand was on your ass for a good ninety seconds.” Seth pulled her more tightly against him, his hand moving possessively down to the part in question. “I was on the other side of the dance floor. Not in another building. And the fact that you’re still defending him—”

“You’ve lost your fucking mind!” Erin interrupted in a harsh whisper. “We were dancing! And I was having a very nice time until you came barging in acting like some kind of clueless caveman.” She jerked as she realized something. “Where’s Anna? You didn’t leave her sitting at the table by herself?”

“Of course not,” Seth said, his expression decidedly peeved. “She went to the bathroom again. But it’s about time you remembered your own daughter. I thought we were supposed to be helping her tonight. Not drooling over random men.”

Erin was so flabbergasted her words stuck in her throat. She was barely dancing anymore, but Seth was holding her too tightly for her to pull away. “I was not drooling. I didn’t do anything that would damage your reputation. I was just having a nice time—”

“I’m not worried about my reputation,” Seth gritted out, so tense now a muscle in his cheek was fluttering. “And I know what a nice time you were having. I saw it myself—even if you hadn’t already told me four times.”

Suddenly, Erin understood what was happening. Part of it had been obvious from the beginning, but the realization of
why
it was happening finally hit home with her.

“Seth?” she gasped. “Seth, are you actually jealous?”

Seth glared at her in chilly silence.

A burst of laughter caught in her throat and ended up forcing its way out in snorts and shakes. Erin tried to restrain her amusement—if only to protect Seth’s pride—but there was no way she could stop the laughter once it had started.

Soon she was trying to stifle her howls of hilarity against Seth’s shoulder. She pressed her face into his dark suit, gasping, wheezing, and shaking.

Finally, Seth bit out, “If you’d care to control your mockery, we could attempt to continue an adult conversation.”

“An adult conversation?” Erin rasped, finally pulling her face up and peering up into Seth’s stiff face. “Is that what you call this? We’ve been together for over sixteen years and you’re jealous because I was dancing with another man?”

“You weren’t just dancing with him,” Seth insisted thickly. “You looked …You looked…” He seemed lost for a word to describe it. “…happy.”

Erin stopped laughing, understanding what Seth was trying to say no matter how ungracefully he’d said it. “Oh, Seth,” she said with a long exhale, “I
was
happy.” Before Seth could withdraw into defensiveness, she explained, “It’s nice to sometimes feel like I’m more than just my family.”

Seth’s shoulders tightened under her hands, but he just watched her face intently.

“Not that I don’t want to be with my family. But it’s nice to feel like I’m just a woman too.”

“And I don’t make you feel that way?”

Erin stroked up until she had his face her hands. “Seth, you make me feel like your wife.” When she felt him start to pull away, she didn’t let go. “That’s not a complaint. I am your wife. I want to be your wife. I want you to always make me feel like your wife. Nothing makes me happier than that. But it’s nice to know I’m still kind of interesting to people who don’t love me the way you do.”

Seth held her gaze and his face softened almost imperceptibly. He was an intelligent man and an insightful one. He understood what she was trying to say. But all he said was, “Next time, would you mind feeling interesting with someone less obnoxious than Bennani?”

“But I like Mark,” Erin insisted, wrapping her arms tightly around her husband’s neck and nestling against him.

Seth made another growling noise and groped her far more blatantly than Mark ever had.

With a giggle, Erin pressed a kiss onto the side of Seth’s neck. “I can’t believe you were actually jealous.”

“Is this going to be another one of those things that results in sustained mockery?” he asked with a groan.

“Of course. But if you’re good—and if you keep growling so deliciously—later tonight, I might let you…” She trailed off on purpose, pitching her tone provocatively.

“You might let me what?” Seth’s voice thickened again, and he pressed her pelvis suggestively against his.

A shiver of anticipation was running through Erin’s spine when her eyes happened to land on her daughter, who had stopped on her way back from the bathroom.

“Uh oh,” Erin said, straightening up a little more in Seth’s arms.

“What?”

“I know you were trying to ease Anna’s insecurities and it was very nicely played, I must admit. But, for once, I think you might not have explored every possible outcome.”

“What the hell are you talking about?” Seth was looking annoyed again—likely because she’d been distracted from her loving, sexy mood.

“Your encouragement of Anna might have had a result you never intended.” She nodded to her left, drawing Seth’s attention to what she’d just seen. “Try not to overreact.”

Anna was across the room, looking lovely and happy, her cheeks pink and her blonde hair framing her face. She was laughing at the moment.

She was also flirting shamelessly with a very handsome young man who was at least five years older than her.

Erin stuck her head into Anna’s room after tapping lightly on the door. “Hey there. You all right?”

It was almost ten o'clock. They’d gotten home a little while ago and Anna had gone to change clothes. She’d been quiet on the way home, and Erin hadn’t been able to tell what she was thinking.

Anna had changed into a sweatshirt and pajama pants, and she was propped up against the pillows on her bed with her laptop. “I’m fine,” she said with a wry smile. “You aren’t going to expect me to go to counseling now, are you?”

Erin snorted and sat down on the edge of the bed. “Why would I expect that?”

“I don’t know. I figured you were all worried about what I…what I told you earlier. It’s not that big a deal, you know.”

“I know.” Erin paused, thinking through her words carefully before she spoke. “Unless it’s something that really bothers you.”

Anna looked uncomfortable and incredibly young in her baggy sweatshirt. “It doesn’t. I mean, it doesn’t bother me much.” She didn’t meet Erin’s eyes.

Her daughter’s reluctance and uncharacteristic shyness were obvious clues that this was serious for Anna—at least more serious than she was admitting to.

“And I feel kind of dumb about what I said about Dad,” Anna mumbled. “Especially after how he was this evening.” Her expression lightened as she added, “He was so funny when he saw me talking to that guy. I thought he was going to throw the poor guy across the room.”

Erin wanted to giggle at the memory of Seth storming over to Anna in the restaurant, but she managed to keep her face sober. “You weren’t flirting with him just to upset Dad, were you?”

“No! Didn’t you see the guy? He was cute! And he was looking at me.” Anna’s eyes were wide and innocent, and Erin was satisfied that the girl had no idea of her father’s little maneuvering.

“He was way too old for you.”

“Probably around nineteen. He ran away too quickly anyway as soon as Dad came over, but that’s just five years' difference. Not much more than Dad is older than you.”

Erin’s spine stiffened. “But we didn’t date when I was fourteen years old. When I told you that it might take a more mature man to appreciate you, I didn’t mean you should start looking for those more mature men right now.”

Anna met her eyes squarely. Then snickered. “I know. But wouldn’t Dad freak out, though?”

Erin felt another pang of worry shoot through her chest. “He loves you so much, sweetie. Please don’t torture him just for fun.”

When Anna didn’t answer—just stared down at the screen of her laptop—Erin adjusted so she was propped on the pillows beside her daughter. She glanced down at the laptop and saw Anna was working on an article for her school newspaper.

“Anna?” she prompted, reaching over and gently closing the laptop, then moving it to the nightstand.

“I’m not going to torture him for fun.” Anna released a pitiful sigh. “It was nice, though.”

Erin swallowed hard and studied the girl’s face. “What was?”

Anna didn’t answer right away so Erin just waited in silence until she did.

“That he…that he noticed me.”

Erin made a choking sound and couldn’t resist putting an arm around Anna’s shoulders. She pulled her daughter into a half-hug, even knowing that cuddling wasn’t appreciated now the way it had been when the girls were younger. “Oh, baby, he notices everything about you. All the time. Not just because of that guy tonight.”

Anna didn’t pull away from Erin’s embrace. She leaned against her and breathed, “Do you think he notices me as much as Mac?”

It was a serious question—not a childish whine or complaint—so Erin didn’t answer with an immediate flip answer. “I can see why you might ask that,” she said slowly. “But I promise you he notices you every bit as much as he does Mackenzie.”

Anna’s big blue eyes—the exact same color as Seth’s—slanted up to Erin’s face. “He doesn’t act like it.”

Erin hesitated, nearly torn in two as she tried to decide what to do. There were several things she could tell Anna now—things the girl needed to know. But they weren’t all Erin’s truths to tell, and she wouldn’t intrude too far into Seth’s privacy, even for this.

“It’s okay,” Anna said in a rush, when Erin hadn’t said anything. She tried to pull away. “I know he loves me. You don’t have to try to make something up—”

“I’m not making anything up. I’m just trying to decide how much I can tell you.”

“About what?”

“About why your Dad acts the way he does. With Mackenzie.”

Anna shifted and stopped trying to pull away. “What do you mean?”

Erin sighed. She couldn’t tell Anna everything but at least she could tell her this. “You know how I got pregnant with Mackenzie.”

Anna made a face, but she relaxed against Erin’s side once more. “Please don’t tell me that story again.”

Chuckling, Erin squeezed the girl, enjoying the increasingly rare treat of snuggling with her daughter like this. “I won’t. You know that we started to fall in love during the pregnancy and during Mackenzie’s first year. What you don’t know is what happened right after she was born.”

“What happened?” Anna had always been as naturally curious as Erin was, and the tension was evident in her body.

“Your Dad left the hospital just after she was born. I didn’t see him again for three months.”

“What? Why?”

The memory still hurt—even after all these years—and Erin’s voice cracked a little as she explained. “He wanted us to be a family, but he’d never told me how he felt before. I…I wasn’t in love with him then. He was hurt.”

“So he just deserted you and Mac?” Anna’s expression was horrified as she stared up at Erin’s face.

“He did. He was a different man then, and he was very, very hurt. I’d always made it clear he had no obligations to me and Mackenzie. He was allowed to leave if he wanted.”

“But, Mom, he left you all alone? That's horrible! You must have been so lonely.”

There were tears in Erin’s eyes now—from the memory and from Anna’s sympathy, which was poignantly intuitive. But she blinked and answered calmly, “I was lonely. And I missed him a lot. But I wasn’t alone. I had Liz, and your Grandpa, and Mackenzie.”

“But how could he?”

Erin tensed up as she processed Anna’s resentful reaction. “Sweetie, you’re missing the reason I’m telling you this. You know your Dad isn’t perfect. He makes mistakes like the rest of us. That was one of his mistakes. He knew it as soon as he left, and he immediately regretted it. He’s more than made up for it since then.”

“But—”

“Don’t you see why I’m telling you this? He missed the first three months of Mackenzie’s life. It’s been over sixteen years, but you know him. Do you think he’s forgotten about that?”

Anna blinked and stared at the wall in front of her. “Oh.”

“He hates himself for missing even those few months of her life. And he’s always felt like he has to make up for it. But it’s different with you.” Erin squeezed Anna again. “When we had you, we were so in love. We’d finally gotten everything worked out after so much confusion. He was there all the way with you. It was…We were so happy.
He
was so happy.”

Anna’s face was twisting slightly as she tried to take all of this in.

“He loves you so much, baby.” Erin stroked Anna’s soft blonde hair. “You make him so happy. Everything about you makes him happy. And he feels like, with you, he did it right.”

“So that’s why he pays so much attention to Mac?” Anna’s voice was wobbly.

“It’s one of the reasons. I can understand why it might occasionally look like you’re not as important to him. But I never want you to believe it.” Erin put both of her arms around Anna and held her as tightly as she could.

Anna hugged her back for just a minute. It wasn’t long but it caused a swell of tenderness to rise in Erin’s chest.

Then Anna let go and Erin relaxed back, keeping one arm around Anna’s shoulders, not ready to release her completely yet.

With a sigh, Anna asked, “You’re going to tell him about all of this, aren’t you?”

“Yes. Unless you insist I keep it a secret. He needs to know.”

“It’s all right. You can tell him. Just make sure he knows I’m not…I mean, make sure he doesn’t think I don’t…I don’t want to hurt his feelings.”

It might have been the sweetest thing Erin had ever heard—that Anna had been hurt and insecure about how Seth treated her but was so worried about Seth feeling the same way. With a muffled sound, Erin pulled Anna back into a hug.

“Mom!” Anna finally wailed, when she’d had all she could stand of the cuddling.

“Sorry,” Erin said, loosening her hold. “And I’ll make sure I break it to him gently.”

Anna nodded and was about to answer when something in the bedroom doorway distracted her.

Seth appeared, taking a step into the room. “At the risk of incurring your wrath, I can perhaps make things easier by saving you the trouble of having to tell me.”

“You were listening.” It was an accusation but not an angry one. Anna’s voice sounded more tired than anything else.

“I was. My only defense is that I hadn’t intended to eavesdrop.” Seth’s words were casual and his face was calm, but Erin could tell he wasn’t either of those things. There was a tension in the set of his shoulders and a shakiness in the expression of his eyes that revealed everything Erin needed to know about how their discussion had affected him.

He’d been hurt by it and was fighting the need to withdraw into his defenses.

The fact that he had stepped into the room—hadn’t retreated into his office to brood—was a small miracle.

Anna’s features twisted a few times. She was clearly emotional but too self-conscious to let it show. “You can come in, if you want.” Her voice was almost normal.

Seth nodded his thanks and walked over to sit on the casual chaise across from the bed. He put his hands on his lap, then on the edge of the chaise on either side of his thighs, then back on his lap.

“Mom told me about what happened after Mac was born,” Anna said. The words sounded like some kind of peace offering.

“I heard. Everything she said was true.”

“Does Mac know about that?” Anna looked up at Erin.

“She doesn’t know. We never told her.”

“I won’t tell her, if you don’t want me to.”

Erin cleared her throat and met Seth’s eyes before she looked back down at Anna. “I told you. So it’s yours to decide what to do with it. You can tell her if you want. You just can’t tell her when you’re mad at her.”

“Okay.” Anna squirmed a little and huddled a little closer to Erin. She felt very young to Erin at the moment and Erin couldn’t help but savor the intimacy it allowed—since it happened so rarely anymore. After a brief pause, Anna looked back at Seth. “Mom told me there were other reasons why you…you act the way you do with us.”

“There are.” Seth was watching the two of them quietly. They were cuddled together on the bed while Seth was sitting by himself on the chaise.

He looked lonely. All alone. Like he had that horrible morning ten years ago before Erin had taken the girls away and went to her father’s, needing a break for their marriage.

“Can you tell the other reasons?” Anna’s question was almost a plea.

Erin could barely breathe over the ache in her throat. She tried to catch Seth’s eye but he was staring at the floor. She wanted so much for him to tell Anna the truth—even knowing how impossibly hard it would be for him to do.

Seth loved his children more than anything. But there were some ways he still couldn’t make himself vulnerable—even with his daughters.

Anna twisted her hands together nervously. “I know that Mac is more like you. I guess I always thought that was the reason.”

Her tentative comment seemed to help push Seth into speaking. “It is. But not in the way you think.” His eyes focused on Anna’s face, darted over to Erin’s, then shifted back to Anna’s. “I don’t love her more because she’s like me.”

Anna’s body stiffened, as if in expectation. Erin wasn’t even breathing.

Seth took a shaky breath and started to explain—in such a composed tone that no one else would know how torn up he was. “You know I didn’t have a good childhood. I didn’t feel loved by anyone for most of my life. So I didn’t love myself.”

Erin wanted to cry. She loved Seth so much, and she’d never in her life been so proud of him.

Seth ran a hand through his hair, but didn’t look away from Anna’s eyes. “That kind of thinking is hard to get over.”

“But…” Anna gasped, “but we love you! Me and Mom and Mac.”

“I know, and that means everything. But I can’t always believe I deserve it. It’s better now—so much better than it used to be. But those patterns of thinking don’t just disappear.” Seth cleared his throat. “I’m telling you this because it’s why I’ve always worked so hard to make sure Mackenzie feels loved. She’s like me, and I never want her to feel unloved the way I did. I love
her
, even though I didn’t used to love myself.”

Seth’s eyes were steady and his mouth was relaxed. But a sheen of sweat had broken out on his temples, and his hands were fisted at his sides. He was vulnerable. He’d just opened himself up completely to his fourteen-year-old daughter.