Incarnate (4 page)

Erin was silent for a long time, aching as much as if she were feeling it herself. Finally, she said, “You look like me.”

Anna turned her head to look up at her. “Mom—”

“You do,” Erin said matter-of-factly. “And, to tell you the truth, I had a similar experience in high school.”

“No one liked you either?”

“Oh, they liked me. But not the way I wanted them to. And the only ones who were interested in me were…losers.”

“So I’m doomed.”

The words were so sincerely melodramatic that, despite her sympathy, Erin had to hide a snicker. “Not forever. What I finally figured out is that some women aren’t appreciated in high school. It doesn’t have anything to do with not being attractive. It has something to do with the guys being too immature to recognize it or act on it.”

Anna was frowning again, but this time thoughtfully. “It’s a nice idea, but I’m not buying it.”

“Do you think I’m ugly?”

“Mom!” Anna groaned in exasperation.

“I know it’s not a fair question but try to take it seriously.” Erin was thinking as quickly as she could, hoping she was using the right strategy. So often, raising teenagers was like walking between landmines. “I know I’m your mother so it’s hard to be objective. But do you think I’m attractive at all?”

“Of course you are,” Anna muttered, “but—”

“It’s not the same. I know that.” Erin sighed. To her own surprise, she was inexplicably pleased that Anna thought she was attractive. “But, assuming I’m somewhat attractive and I was even better looking when I wasn't so ancient, why do you suppose I didn’t have a real boyfriend all through high school?”

Anna didn’t have an answer to that. “I don’t know.”

“I didn’t know either. And it drove me crazy that I wasn’t the girl who all the guys were always drooling over.  But things only got better after high school.”

“So you’re saying I have to wait until after high school until someone will be interested in me?” Anna was scowling, as if the thought annoyed her.

Erin chuckled. “Sweetie, I have no idea. For all know, all the guys you’re friends with are secretly in love with you.  I’m just saying that not getting asked out is not proof that you’re not beautiful and worthy of attention.”

Anna sat up and peered into the mirror across the room. After a minute of studying her rosy, rumpled appearance, she made a face. “I’m not as thin and pretty as Mac.”

“You’re different than Mackenzie,” Erin insisted, inwardly cringing at Anna’s referring to not being thin. She was the same size Erin had been in high school—shaped very differently from Mackenzie. “There’s no way to compare the two of you. Some guys are going to find her prettier. And some guys are going to find you prettier.”

“Right,” Anna muttered, flopping back onto the bed again.

“They will. You don’t believe me? Your father was one of the most eligible men in the whole city when I got together with him. He chose me. Not all of the gorgeous models he could have had.”

Anna was clearly listening, but she just said, “But he didn't choose you just for your looks.”

“Not just for my looks, no. But I assure you he appreciated—and still appreciates—how I look.”

At this, Anna gave an exaggerated groan. “Oh, please, stop there! If you start talking about your overactive sex life, I’ll never recover.”

Erin actually blushed a little. “What? What do you mean overactive? You have no idea—”

“We’re not stupid, you know. We know why you lock your door, since you never lock it otherwise. And, let me tell you, you all have way more sex than is good for old people.”

Erin’s cheeks reddened even more, although she was genuinely amused by Anna’s blunt irrepressibility. “I’ll ignore the implications of that remark,” Erin said with teasing hauteur, “and just say that it proves my point.”

“Not really. Dad's in love with you. He’d want to have sex with you whether you were pretty or not.”

Erin’s initial reaction was to be offended, but then she thought through the nuances of what Anna had just said.

It was almost a miracle. That two people with so many issues with relationships had managed to raise children who understood so deeply, so instinctively, what true love really was.

How the hell had they accomplished such a miracle?

“That’s true,” Erin said at last. “And you shouldn’t want to have sex with anyone who doesn’t feel exactly that way about you.”

“I know, I know.” Anna rubbed her face with her hands. “But I still want guys to think I’m pretty.”

She sounded so small and wounded that Erin couldn’t resist leaning down to give her a hug. “They will, sweetie. I promise. A lot of men like our kind of looks more than model-type prettiness. But high school guys aren’t always mature enough to recognize it.”

Anna rolled her eyes. “Yeah. I suppose.” She returned Erin's hug though and didn't try to pull away.

When she let go, Erin got up, not knowing what else to say. One more thing to worry about--that Anna’s insecurity about her ability to attract men would lead her into seeking approval in ways that weren’t safe or healthy.

"Dad thinks Mac is prettier."

Erin gasped and whirled around. "No! No, Anna, he doesn't."

Anna just stuck her chin out mulishly. An expression exactly like Mackenzie's. And Erin's.

"You can't really think he does." Erin took a few steps back toward the bed. "He's just been talking about Mackenzie lately because she has the date. He thinks you're every bit as beautiful."

Anna's face twisted into a half-smile, as if she hadn't been serious. "I know. Don't worry about it."

That was manifestly impossible. Erin's gut was already churning with concern. She’d have to talk to Seth about this. She could only imagine how pained Seth would be that, in trying to affirm one of his daughter's self-esteem, he'd unintentionally damaged the other's.

As Erin was leaving the room, Anna said, “Mom.” When Erin turned back, Anna smiled. Her emotions had always been as variable as the weather. “Thanks. I do think you’re pretty, you know.”

Erin broke into a warm grin, wishing Anna was still young enough to hold in her arms. “Thanks. I think you’re pretty too.”

***

It was almost time for Justin to arrive, and Erin felt like she was ready to fall over.

Two trials tackled already this evening. One major trial yet to come.

Seth still had to meet Mackenzie’s date.

Erin paused in the hallway, torn in several different directions. Shaking her head roughly, she finally made up her mind and hurried down the hall to Seth’s office.

He was probably pacing the floor, waiting for Justin’s arrival.

She nearly collided with him as she pushed in through his office door. He was on his way out, obviously intent on laying wait so he could ambush poor Justin as soon as he arrived. Seth was wearing one of his more intimidating suits and his favorite blue power tie. In a different context, Erin might have giggled at how seriously Seth was approaching the subject of his daughter’s date.

But this was Erin’s family, and she wasn’t giggling at the moment.

“Seth,” she began softly, pushing him back into his office and shutting the door behind her. “We should talk.”

Seth ran a hand through his hair in obvious impatience. “Can it wait? It’s nearly six o’clock. Assuming the boy can manage to get here on time.

Erin put a hand on his arm to stop him from brushing past her. “He’s not here yet. And I wanted to talk to you—”

“I’m going to behave.” Seth’s eyes narrowed with annoyance. “You've already given me your complete set of rules. I don't need yet another lecture. I assure you I have plenty of experience with diplomacy. Not to mention experience in cross-examining hostile—”

“It’s not about that.” Erin knew her husband had impenetrable focus, that once he started on something he never let up until it was complete. But sometimes she wanted to shake him for his difficulty breaking free of his own single-minded vision. “It’s something else. I’m worried—I don’t know—it’s probably not a big deal but—”

Seth’s arm immediately grew tense under her hand, as if he recognized the shift in her voice. “What is it? Is Mackenzie all right?”

For some reason, Erin snapped. She jerked her hand away from her husband and glared as she bit out, “Mackenzie’s just fine. She’s not your only daughter, you know.”

Seth froze, staring at her blankly.

Erin felt an immediate rush of guilt. She knew better than anyone else the way Seth’s mind worked. And right now he was thinking about Mackenzie. She couldn’t expect him to read her thoughts. It didn’t mean he loved Anna any less.

“I’m sorry,” she said, putting her hands on his shoulders and giving him a gentle squeeze. “I didn’t mean it to sound like that.”

Seth’s features were so still they looked like marble, but something panicked had flared up in his eyes. “What’s wrong with Anna?”

Erin took a deep breath and massaged the tense muscles of Seth’s neck with her fingers. She was suddenly terrified to tell him, terrified of how he was going to react. “She’s all right. I mean, it isn’t an emergency or anything. But I think we need to pay her some more attention now. She’s having a hard time comparing herself to Mackenzie.”

Four lines appeared between Seth’s brows. “What do you mean? She’s nothing like Mackenzie.”

“That’s the problem. She sees how pretty and stylish and popular Mackenzie is. And now Mackenzie is starting to date.” Erin studied Seth’s face carefully, looking for any signs of reaction.

Seth just frowned. “But Anna is more popular than Mackenzie is. She’s always surrounded by friends.”

“But they’re just friends. She wants attention of the male variety and right now she’s not getting it.”

“She better not be getting it,” Seth gritted out through a clenched jaw.

Erin had to smother an involuntary laugh by pretending to clear her throat, but the flash of humor disappeared almost immediately. “That’s not the point. Girls her age tend to be insecure about their ability to attract guys. And I guess we just didn’t realize before that Anna had developed some of those insecurities. She feels like plenty of people like her. But that she’s not pretty enough for anyone to
like
her.” Her voice cracked on the last sentence. Erin could feel so deeply for what Anna was going through that it was like she was going through it herself.

Seth’s lips parted slightly as he shook his head in bewilderment. “I don’t understand. Anna is even prettier than Mackenzie. She looks like…” He broke off his words, as if he’d changed his mind about saying them.

But Erin knew with a swell of tenderness exactly what he’d been going to say.

Anna looked like her—like
Erin
.

And Seth genuinely believed she was as beautiful as a woman could be.

“Oh God, Seth,” she said hoarsely, pulling him down into a hug. “I love you.”

Seth returned her hug for a minute but then pulled away looking confused. “Thank you. But what about Anna?”

Pulling herself together, Erin focused once more on priorities. “She doesn’t think she’s as pretty as Mackenzie. And this is affirmed by the fact that no guys seem to be interested in her. It was just like that for me in high school.”

Seth stared at her for a long time, his quick, precise mind processing all of these pieces of information. “So what needs to be done?”

“We can’t change some of it,” Erin said, her heart starting to hammer as she finally got to the worst part of this conversation. “Some girls just aren’t appreciated in high school. That might be the case for Anna, like it was for me. But…but some of this might be our fault.”

Her hands were on Seth’s sides, at his ribs, and she could feel his body grow still again. “What do you mean?”

Erin swallowed hard. “Mackenzie has been getting a lot of attention lately—for obvious reasons. But, when I think about it, in some ways Mackenzie has gotten more attention than Anna all along. At least, a certain kind of attention.”

Seth seemed to have stopped breathing. “Explain that.”

She didn’t want to explain. It felt like she was taking a knife and carving into her husband’s chest. She phrased her words as carefully as she could. “Mackenzie gets more direct praise than Anna does. Her hair can’t be cut because it’s so beautiful. And she’s too good for anyone to date.” She paused, needing to swallow over the ache in her throat.

“That’s me,” Seth said thickly. “All of that is what
I
do.”

Erin slid her hands higher up on Seth’s sides as if she were trying to hold him together. She whispered, “She thinks you think Mackenzie is prettier than she is.”

Seth’s body was so tight she was afraid it might shatter. His eyes were focused on a spot just over her shoulder and she had to look away from what she saw in them.

“I know that it's not true. But, when you think about it, maybe you can see why she thinks that. You go out of your way to make sure Mackenzie is validated.”

His voice was raspy and aching. “But that’s because—”

“I know why,” Erin assure him. She wrapped her arms around him and lowered her embrace to the slightly softer flesh of his waist. “I do. But Anna doesn’t. She’s convinced she’s second-place.”

There was a long moment where the room seemed to freeze, where Seth seemed to freeze in her arms. Then Erin started to feel him withdraw from her. Not so much physically—although he leaned back slightly, away from her hands—but psychologically. She could see him retreat, hiding behind the emotional defenses he’d erected so many years ago.

He used to do it a lot, protect himself by pulling away.

“Seth, don’t!” she said in a hoarse whisper, grabbing on to him and not letting go. “Don’t do it. I need you. Stay with me.”

Seth snapped back before he’d sunk into one of the bleak moods that still overtook him occasionally. He blinked and focused on her face. His eyes were still raw and wounded but he hadn't withdrawn into himself. “I’m here. I’m here.”

Erin reached up to take his face in her hands. “Listen to me, Seth. This isn’t a crisis. Anna knows you love her. I promise you. She’s a happy, healthy girl. We’ve done a good job with her so far.”

“But you said—”

“She’s a little insecure and it’s gotten worse because Mackenzie’s starting to date. We just need to make sure she knows she’s equal in every way to her sister. And I can’t do that alone. You have to help me.”

She saw Seth’s face change. It was his thoughtful, driven expression—the one he always wore when he was concocting a plan.

Erin let out a harsh sigh of relief. If Seth was planning something to address this, then he was all right.

They’d all be all right.

“She won’t believe us if we just tell her,” Erin mused, thinking aloud. “She’ll assume we’re just saying it to make her feel better.”

“You don’t have to keep including yourself in the blame to salvage my feelings. I know I’m the one who—”

Erin gave an annoyed huff. “I’m part of this too. You’re not parenting her alone.”

“But—”

They didn’t have time to finish the argument. The echoing doorbell sounded through the apartment.

Justin had arrived.

***

Erin was relieved to see that Justin had dressed well for the date—in a green dress shirt and a nice pair of brown trousers. He even had a belt and pair of leather shoes on. There was nothing about his appearance Seth could complain about.

He really was a nice-looking young man—brown hair, brown eyes, and classic features. And he had an open, easy smile that Erin immediately responded to. She was pretty sure she liked him, and his friendly, social manner would be a good match for composed, reserved Mackenzie.

Erin’s ironic side couldn’t help but giggle privately at the scene in the living room.

Erin and Seth were seated side by side on one sofa and Mackenzie and Justin seated on the sofa across from them. Anna was peeking in from the hall with a malicious grin on her face.

Mackenzie looked stiff and wary, her suspicious gaze focused on her father. Justin was smiling and putting on an impressively confident front, but he appeared slightly uncomfortable.

Seth looked like he was about to give opening arguments in court. “Mackenzie tells me you play basketball.”

“Yes, sir. I’m on the varsity team.”

Seth appeared eminently unimpressed. “I suppose you expect sports to get you somewhere in your future.”

Justin’s eyes darted over to Mackenzie, who was frowning at her father. “I expect basketball to help pay my way through a good college. Sir.”

Erin’s mouth twitched slightly. It was a good answer.

Seth’s eyes narrowed. “So you are planning to go to college?”

“Of course, sir.”

“Where do you see yourself twenty years from now?”

“Dad!” Mackenzie objected.

“He’s just seventeen,” Erin said softly, putting on hand on Seth’s knee. “It might not be a fair question.”

“No,” Justin countered, “I’ll answer it.” He met Seth’s eyes squarely. “I’m planning to do pre-med in college, then go to medical school. I was part of a service project in Africa last summer and saw all the disease there. It was terrible. I’d like to be able to do my part to help. Sir.”

Mackenzie’s face was glowing as she gazed up at Justin. With a pang, Erin wondered what adolescent male could possibly resist her daughter when she looked at him that way.

Justin himself appeared torn between sheepishness and pride at having so well tackled Seth’s interrogation.

Anna cackled audibly from the hall.

Seth looked mildly annoyed. He cleared this throat. “So you’re one of those do-gooders who’ll always live without comforts because you’ve given all your money away?”

“No, sir. I like money too much to give all of it away.”

The set of Seth’s shoulders relaxed slightly, so minor a change that Erin doubted anyone would notice it but her. “So what are your plans for my daughter tonight?”

Mackenzie sucked in a sharp breath and Justin adjusted in his seat. “I, uh, plan to take her to dinner at Antonio’s.”

“Oh, that’s my favorite place,” Mackenzie said, her smile broadening.

“I know. Then we’re going to a movie.” At Seth’s hard stare, Justin added, “PG-13 rated.”

Erin couldn’t hold back a throaty chuckle, and she could hear Anna’s giggle echoing back from the hall.

“And what time does the movie start?”

“Eight-thirty.”

“And what are your plans for after the movie?”

“I thought we might go for dessert.” When Seth’s back stiffened, Justin added in a rush, “At an ice-cream shop. There’s one near the theater. But only if Mackenzie wants to.”

“And where are you taking her after that?”

Erin was pleased to see that Justin was no fool. He recognized the stony look in Seth’s eyes for what it was.

Justin said, “I’m taking her right back home, sir.”

“Dad,” Mackenzie tried again. Her cheeks were a lovely shade of pink. “You’re embarrassing me.”

Seth’s face softened a little when he turned his eyes back to his daughter—who was clearly trying to appease him but at the same time have a semblance of a normal social life.

“No, it’s all right,” Justin said. He looked Seth straight in the eye. “You can ask me any question you want, sir.”

Erin smiled, feeling inexplicably proud of the boy and proud of her daughter for having chosen him. If only for her first date.