In This Life (36 page)

“No, it’s okay. I can stand,” I answered nervously. I felt a slight inward tug on my belly button. I think the babies were anxious to hear from him as well.

He took my hand in his. “I would never do anything to hurt you, you know that, right?”

I shook my head recklessly in response.

“Jude’s rite of ordination takes place tomorrow at St. Peter’s Basilica.”

Wham. A kick in the gut. I wasn’t sure whether it was imagined or real. But it didn’t matter. This was it. The finality. Another death. Another mourning. Another catastrophic event in the life of Anna Dillon. It wasn’t that I was hoping for anything more from him. It was knowing that I would be here in the same place and at the same time that he would be making his vocation a reality. The vocation that we once thought was going to include me.

“Anna?” He tried to assess my facial expression. I remained standing there, surprised by my own personal fortitude.

“What time?”

“One o’clock.” He moved his hands up so that they were grasping the tops of my arms. “We don’t have to go back inside. Let’s find a place to sit and talk.”

“No, I need to be alone for now. Would you please apologize to the bride and groom for me? Let Maggie know that I’ll be there to help her get dressed in the morning. Mikey has a key to the room so he can just let himself in.”

“Anna, please. I’m sorry, I didn’t see the point. I kept my promise to you, I never told him about the babies.”

“And thank you for that. I’ll be okay, Peter. Really, I will. I’m walking back to the room now.” I ran into the elevator without looking back.

I DIDN’T KNOW
how much time had passed before I opened my eyes to find myself alone in bed, completely fenced in by darkness. I must have fallen asleep before Mikey let himself into the room. For the first time in so long, I didn’t feel apprehensive; the palpitations of my heart from previous nights were gone, and I felt calm and collected. I smiled to myself as the tears rolled down my cheeks. I felt their presence, I was sure of it. The gentle breeze from the open window and the endlessly vast mosaic in the sky, studded with stars, sprinkled with planets and streaked by the passing of comets assured me of that truth. The movements of the universe, its near misses, its combinations and its collisions are all planned, harmonized to a fault. We are all a part of that. We must keep moving unless we want to get left behind.

I thought I saw both of them, sitting side by side on the gray cushioned chairs right next to the balcony overlooking the fascinating city. The warm beige scalloped window treatments hung high above them, and a beautiful orchid floral arrangement sat on the marble table between them. I surveyed the room just to make sure that I was still in the same place. Gold inlaid fabric lined the couches and chairs, solid, wooden hand-carved dividers between the bed and the living area. Mikey was on the sofa bed across from me, wheezing soundly in his sleep.

My mother looked gorgeous, just as she had when I was a young girl, with her smooth white skin and her long, long legs. And Dante, it was the same outfit that he wore during our date night at the James. He had the same handsome face, the same magnificent body. They weren’t really there, of course. They were in my mind, in my heart, and their eyes spoke a multitude of words to me. Words of love, words of encouragement.

“There is a plan, Anna. A great plan for you. Let it take you over, revel in it, embrace it, and stay the course. Live in the present, not in your memories.”

For weeks I had wallowed in sorrow, bereft at losing the two people who were closest to me forever. I desperately tried to recall their touch, their faces, their voices. There were times when things came back to me so vividly and clearly that I watched as my life played out on a big screen before me. There were also times when no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t, for the life of me, recollect a single thing about them. I was left with some memories, but they were all jumbled up in my brain. The everyday stories, the ordinary events. Did he do this? Did she say that? When did that happen?

The dream that had just occurred. They were real, they were here, and they were just as I remembered. Whether through a dream or in reality, God had sent them back to me with a message of hope. I believed that at the right time and in the right place, I would see them again. That all I had to do was hold on to my love for them, just like I held on to my love for Jude. I wasn’t ashamed to declare with confidence that it was possible to love two people at the same time. They were ensconced in two very different compartments of my heart—the smiles they elicited, the feelings they caused—they were distinctive to each one and divergent to both. The warmth that I felt when I thought of Dante and the pain that I constantly had of missing him was unequaled by the craving that I had, the longing that existed in my heart for Jude. He was my soulmate and I was in love with him. And although I had chosen to love Dante, I would always be tied to Jude. And my mother? Well, she will always be my inspiration. I could only hope to be half the mother, the woman that she was.

Just like every book with a beginning and an end, I decided to proclaim that night as the genesis of my life’s story. I guess that was the wonderful thing about starting over. Although you never forgot the past, it’s what happened from that day forward that truly mattered. It became clear to me that instead of harping on the fact that God didn’t grant me my one big miracle, I should be relishing in the little ones I received from Him every single day.

Tomorrow, I thought to myself, as I yawned sleepily into my pillow—tomorrow I would begin to live again. I wouldn’t disappoint them and I would honor my promise to Dante.

“YOU LOOK SO
stunning, Mags,” I said as she stood in front of the majestic mirror in the lavishly decorated dressing room of the hotel. I slipped a clip in her hair to keep her veil from falling off. “Donny is a very lucky man.”

“Thank you, my dear friend. If only you could see yourself as others see you. You’re glowing, Spark.”

“Ugh. Growing, you mean.” I laughed. “I feel like a kangaroo despite being in this beautiful Peter Langner dress. But I love the way its length covers up my swollen legs.”

“Pregnant or not pregnant, you’re beautiful, Anna.” She wrapped her arms around me at the risk of getting my makeup all over her dress. “Are you okay? Will you be okay? You left the dinner early, and I know you needed some time alone.”

“Things changed after last night, Mags. I had a dream about Dante and my mother,” I said.

“And?” she asked curiously. Her eyes brightened up as she smiled at me.

“And they’re okay. They really are okay. I can stop worrying about them now.”

“I’m glad,” she said. “I love you, Anna. And I regret with all my heart that I didn’t tell you about Jude five years ago. I was wrong to belittle what you had with him. I am so sorry, and I can never take back your tears. But things will get better, I promise.”

I didn’t want to see the droplets of rain in her eyes. Today was a day for sunshine. “Please don’t cry. This is your special day. I love you too, Maggie. I know you were just trying to protect me. It just wasn’t meant to be. It’s time to go. I’ll see you at the other end of the church. Here’s to new beginnings!”

I WATCHED HER
walk down the aisle with tears in my eyes. She was a sight to see—a vision of loveliness gliding through the clouds to join herself with the man of her dreams. As the bridal chorus began to play, a collage of images started running through my mind. The beauty of the moment, the love in the air, the friendships, the sorrow, and the continuation of life for the living. It all started to make sense. Everything is part of a plan. I was meant to learn about Jude’s ordination because I needed to give him his peace. Step by step, as she got closer and closer, each moment in time was suspended in the air, and I was soaring along with it. I glanced at my watch to see that the wedding had started forty-five minutes late. I had fifteen minutes to get to him.

I wasn’t going to stop him from giving himself to God. What I needed was closure. I wanted to tell him how proud I was of him; I wanted to share his special moment, be there for him, be strong for him and assure him that things would all work out. That he would go on to live a remarkable life filled with service and grace. That everything did happen for a reason, and that he had restored my faith in God.

I stood impatiently as I waited for Maggie to reach me, shifting my balance from one foot to the other, straightening my dress, swinging my hands back and forth. Did she have to take so damn long? Poor Donny had been waiting for a year to do this. Hurry up!

Finally she was here, her father in tears as he handed his baby girl over to Donny.

“Psst. Maggie!” I hissed, just as the priest walked down the steps of the makeshift altar to begin his blessing.

She turned her head towards me in surprise. I motioned for her to come closer. She did, and so did the rest of her ten foot train. She left her place beside Donny and stood right off to the side of the room.

“What’s wrong, Spark? Is it the babies?”

“Maggie! I have to go! Your wedding is so damn late! I have to go and see Jude!”

“Why? Why are you going?”

“God helps those who help themselves. I have to let him know that things will be all right.”

She let out a squeak that rocked the entire room before pushing me away in the opposite direction.

“Go! Go! Just go! I’ll see you when you get back!” She turned to the confused audience and screamed at the top of her lungs. “Peter! Peter! Where are you? Go with her!” But before he could even react, I was gone.

I’D MADE A
lot of stupid decisions in my life, and this one would go down in the books as the ultimate one. I hopped on the shuttle bus, still wearing my bridesmaid’s dress, and sat restlessly as it made its way through the traffic in the city. They said that Saint Peter’s Square was all but two miles away from the hotel, but it took an eternity to get there. All throughout the grueling ride, I got up a few times in an attempt to get off the bus and walk. But each time I tried, the high heels on my feet reminded me that riding the bus was a better option than waddling down the cobbled streets of Rome. It was almost two o’clock by the time I hobbled up the steps to the church, ran past the tall colonnade that flanked every corner, and wove my way around the sea of people that were here to witness the same thing that I had come for. The grandiosity of the basilica, with its painted ceilings and endless aisles, overwhelmed me. The prayer alcoves, the saints and statues, they looked at me with pity in their eyes.