In This Life (33 page)

“I’m so sorry, Mr. Leola, but your eleven o’clock is waiting in 4 South,” Nelly squeaked apologetically. I wondered whether she knew that we had separated. Her skirt seemed shorter, her blouse too fitted.

“This won’t take long, Nelly,” he snapped. “Offer him some coffee, tell him I’m stuck in another conference call.”

I pushed myself off the chair with my arms. “It’s okay,” I mumbled. “I can go. I just wanted to see you after—”

Nelly had long since then run out of the office. He leaned in. “After what?”

After having Jude inside of me. To validate my feelings, say goodbye in the proper way.

“Nothing. I just wanted to see you, that’s all.”

“But I was going to stop by anyway, to drop Mikey off, remember?”

“Yeah, but…”

“Where were you last night, Anna?”

“At the hospital. No point in staying home so I took an extra shift.” Protecting my secrets with lies. This is what it has come to.

“Ah.”

More awkward silence. Cars zinged to and fro twenty-eight floors below us. Horns tooting, ambulances, fire trucks, loud music from the holiday markets along the riverfront intent on filling us with Christmas cheer. He stood up, circled around the desk and sat down right in front of me. I reached over to lay my hand on his thigh but he flinched and moved away.

“I’m so sorry, Tey. I’m beside myself, trying to find ways to tell you how sorry I am. I didn’t want this to happen between us. You’ve been so wonderful to me.”

“I don’t want your gratitude, Anna. I wanted your love.”

“I loved you.” I quickly caught myself. “Love. I love you.”

“Not enough to want to start a family with me. I understand it now. Your constant reluctance to have babies—you were waiting for him to come back.”

“No! That’s not it! No. I wanted to love you the way you deserve to be loved. I couldn’t give you enough of myself with him always lurking in the background. We talked about it! I want to deserve you. I don’t deserve you!”

“Fuck it!” He grabbed me by the shoulders and shook me before yelling at the top of his lungs. “What the fuck do you think I am? Stupid? Quit dancing around this, will you please? You’re scared and confused, but you had to know that one day it would come to a head. This is what you’d been holding out for. Own it, Spark! Tell me what you really mean! Please, have more respect for me than that!” People walking by his office stopped short and peeked inside as they heard him bellow. He pressed the button by the wall to activate the shades. “Tell me the truth!” We watched the blinds roll down in silence until there we were, cocooned in the darkness.

I twisted my fingers around my wedding ring until it slipped off, and placed it on the table. “I. I. I want to be with Jude,” I whispered.

He lost his balance as if taken aback by an unforeseen force. I will never forget the look of pain on his face, the grimacing flutter of his eyes, the sallowness of his cheeks. He clutched his heart before quickly regaining his composure. “So, go. Fucking go.”

I blocked his path as he moved ahead and stepped into his arms. “Please, Tey. I swear to you! I thought I was over him! If he didn’t come back we would’ve been fine!”

He cast a fleeting glance on the diamond that sat atop his desk.

“But he did,” he whispered as he held me tighter than he’d ever done, stealing whiffs of my hair, nuzzling my neck. I felt cheap, dirty, sullied. This was his way of saying goodbye. “He came back.”

And with those words, he walked away.

I let out a loud gasp as the heavy door closed behind me and I caught a glimpse of the large metal bed in the middle of the room. The pain in my chest left me breathless, unable to move my feet towards him. He was draped in a light white sheet that covered him entirely. I stood for a moment before gathering up the strength to move forward. It took ten long steps to get me to his side, one step for each year we had been together. Steps that could never be retraced, never be recovered. Slowly, I pulled back the sheet to reveal his face. He was still as beautiful as ever, sleeping in peace with not a mark on him.

He’d been gone for five days.

This sudden realization knocked me down on my knees, besieged me with convulsions that wracked my body and shook me up with tears. I was sobbing, wailing, banging my fists on the cold cement floor, begging for him to forgive me. I was the prodigal lover who had returned after wandering halfway around the world with another man. How would I explain it? How would I even begin to show him true repentance?

And then when I thought I had no more tears to shed, I sat on the floor, leaned my back against the bed’s metal legs and closed my eyes. A distinctive chill took over the room. It was cold in there to begin with, but this time, the air in the room had turned into ice.

“Spark.” The unmistakable sound of his voice. I shot my eyes open to find him sitting next to me. Legs folded, arms gathered around his knees.

“Tey!” I shrieked. A feeling of calm washed upon me. I was sitting next to my best friend. I reached over to touch him. His skin felt warm, his eyes were full of life. Bright green and transparent. He wore his favorite plaid shirt and torn up jeans. I was shocked by what was taking place, and yet, the insurmountable surge of love and security that I felt whenever he was around put me at ease. He felt like home; he was my home. I kissed him tenderly on the lips and scooted myself downward so that I could lean my head on his shoulder. His lifted his arm and gently stroked my hair with his fingers.

“Hi,” I whispered.

“What happened to your face?” he asked, tilting my chin up to take a look at my cheeks.

“Nothing, another clumsy slip,” I answered facetiously.

“My poor baby.” He traced his finger right above the jagged line. “Are you mad at me?”

“Yes,” I said.

“Like, on a scale of one to ten?”

“Ten.”

“Good to know. Will you spank me then?” His tone was light, his voice a bit stronger.

“Tey!” I lifted my head up to see him smile. But the heaviness in my heart gave me away, and I returned his lighthearted comment with unrelenting tears.

He tightened his hold on me while I sobbed uncontrollably. He didn’t move or say a word as I released my anger, my sadness, and my fears into his neck. He waited patiently, remained strong and solid, rubbing my back with his hand
.
I reached for his hand, swiped it across my face, brought it to my lips, and kissed it.

“I’m sorry, Spark.”

I sat up and looked into his eyes. “I’m the one who should be sorry. You’re gone because of me!”

“I know I never returned your calls. I was trying so hard to forget. I met a woman while I was there and we were together for those short weeks.” He glanced at me to gauge my reaction.

“Did she make you happy?” I touched his face with my fingers.

“She did. For the time being, it worked. After all my anger, of course. And then as time went by, she saw how much I missed you. She convinced me to go after you, follow you to Thailand.”

“Aha. So this is her fault!” I exclaimed.

He laughed at my doggedness. “Things are falling into place. You were meant to be with Jude.” He enunciated every syllable as if he wanted his words to penetrate through my skin.

“Not like this. Not at your expense,” I replied. “This is so unfair.”

“Okay, I admit it, this is a little extreme.” He let out a whoop as he caught the look of humiliation on my face. I dipped my head so that my nose was rubbing itself on his cheek. He reciprocated by holding my head in place. I aligned my lips with his and kissed him. “Seriously,” he said as I pulled away, “it would have been you and him no matter what happened. We can’t change the master plan, we just have to roll with it. The blueprint was drawn ages ago.”

“I’m not letting you go. I’ll die if you leave me. It’s been proven before, I can survive anything when you’re with me. You’re part of my program and your love has always been the main act. Jude was the subplot,” I said, tears in my eyes.

“I am! I’m a part of your grand plan. But it’s me who’s the subplot. You see, this is all happening for a reason. Life is short, Spark. We’d been living through this bullshit for five years.” I understood what he was trying to do; he was making sure that I would be all right without him. He wanted to hear me say that I was in love with someone else. He waited for me to respond. When I didn’t, he continued. “Isn’t there something else you need to tell me?”

“I’m pregnant.”

“Dang, that guy’s good!” My mouth hung open in shock. “Lighten up, Spark! Dead people see everything. I know and it’s such great news!”

“I didn’t mean for it to happen,” I cried. “I fell more in love with him in the fifty-eight days we had together. But it’s not that I didn’t think of you, Tey. I—”

“Shhh,” he whispered. “I know. You don’t have to explain anything. The fact that you gave him up for that one tiny glimmer of hope for me. I know.”

The dam burst and I became a blubbering mess. I cried because I felt relief. All I ever wanted was to make him understand that I had never stopped loving him. That he was always on my mind and in my heart. “I’m so ashamed. I wanted to do this the right way, you know. When you encouraged me to spend time with Jude, I thought that it would be the only way for me to get over him. To move on. Please believe me, I was going to tell you as soon as we got back from Thailand. I was going to ask for a divorce.”

He continued to stroke my hair as I firmly rested my head on his shoulder. We were silent for a few seconds. I was besieged with need for his forgiveness.

“You know now, don’t you?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“And you know why I didn’t tell you.” He squeezed my hand as he said this.

“Yes.”

Our hearts whispered to one another. But all I wanted to do was to listen to his voice, to hear him speak. And I knew that he had so much to say before we ran out of time. “You would have left him to take care of me. That’s just who you are.”

I tilted my head back to take a hard look at his face. We locked eyes for an eternity. It was as if he, too, was trying hard to commit my face to memory.

“I just thought… I thought we had all the time in the world,” I cried.

He nodded his head and squeezed my hand. “I’m so proud of you. I’ve never met anyone as steadfast, uncompromising, and principled as you,” he continued. “It’s been an honor to be in your life. Never change, okay?”

“The honor is mine, Tey. Thank you for loving me the way that you do.”

“It’s you, Spark. You’re the one I should be thanking. You gave yourself to me for one year. I kissed your lips, held your hand, and shared your dreams with you. What a privilege that was for me. I will leave knowing that you loved me back.”

He will leave. He will float around the universe without me.

“The James.” I smiled, remembering the night that started it all for us.

“The best night of my life,” he answered. “You truly belonged to me then.”

“And now, all I have are those memories. God has punished me, made sure that I suffer for the rest of my life,” I said with resentment.

“Suffering is redemptive,” he countered. “Didn’t he tell you that when he explained the meaning of the breaking of bread at mass?”

“Who told you that?” I snapped irritably. I didn’t want to talk about Jude. I wanted to tell him how much each moment we had together meant to me. There was so much to say, and I knew that time wasn’t on my side.

“Jude. He said that the breaking of bread is symbolic of brokenness. You have to be broken to be saved. That Christianity is rooted in suffering. Jesus was open about how being a disciple and following in His footsteps will surely castigate you, banish you from the rest of the world. That it was a necessary torment.”

“How did—” I started to say. And then I understood.
The dead, they see everything.

His eyes lit up and the softening of his face told me that this was what he truly believed. There was a lifting of the corners of his mouth. Not so much a smile, but a reassurance.

“Don’t cry,” he urged. “Please don’t cry.”

“I can’t help it. I’m scared. I’m only crying because I feel sorry for myself. I don’t feel sorry for you, you’ll be in a better place, I know.” I continuously swiped my hand across my face to dry my tears and did it with such a force that for a while, I thought I had bruised myself. I would take any pain but this. Any pain.

“I said some mean things to you when we fought that day you came to my office. I didn’t mean them, please know that,” he said breathlessly. There were times during this moment that I could hardly discern his words. The volume of his voice drifted in and out like a dream.

“I know. It wasn’t you. Those weren’t your words,” I said. “You are the kindest, most generous, most lovable human being I have ever known. Only the good die young. And I’m terrified that I won’t be seeing you for a while.”

“Oh, Spark. You’re the beauty in this world that life has to offer. You have to know that. You have this great shame about Jude, but you don’t see how easy it is to fall in love with you.”

I refused to remove my eyes from his face. I wanted to enshrine him forever in my memory—the slightly raised scar above his nose, the tiny mole on his left eyelid, the wrinkle just above his lip, and the lush green forest in his eyes. Everything he said, the way he said them, his voice, his laughter. I wanted to shine a camera on him to record every single detail
.
How did I do that? How did I keep him with me? How did I keep him when I had to let him go?

“Fine, you win,” I gave in. “I’ll see you in heaven then?”

“I’ll see you.” He smiled. “In the meantime, while you’re waiting for your turn, know that everything happens for a reason. Don’t be angry like you were when your mother passed away, okay? Don’t waste your time grieving for me, because I want this. I want you to remember me when I was strong, hot and hunky, funny and oversexed.” We both laughed out loud. It was the last time I would hear that sweet, wonderful sound. His laughter. That’s what I would miss the most.