In the Rearview (24 page)

Everything about you

Exudes confidence

Like you know what you're doing

Like you know where you're going

But in truth

You're as broken as me

You don't know what you want

Any more than the rest of us do

You just pretend

A little better

Act like you know what it is you want

But when you get it

You run away

To scared by what you feel

You will never find what you're looking for that way

Everything you do

Upsets your balance

Stops you from finding

The one who will make you happy

The rain that falls

Outside my protective window

Trickling down

Splashing into

My resolve

Calming my nerves

Reassuring me

Soothing mistakes

Healing heartbreak

No more aching

Little beads of moisture

Sneak down

Collecting together

Spreading apart

Raining into my hopes

Be productive

Do what is expected

Show up

Work hard

Come home

Play hard

Make a life

Become independent

Move out

Move on

Be happy

But you can't

Be productive

Until the first step

Is achieved

Walk into it

Head held high

Have to find

The place

Where you fit in

And first things first

I close my eyes

Step into the silence

And smile

Because I can hear you

Smell your sweet spice

Feel the caress of your fingertips

Smile as you whisper

Softly into my ear

It takes on

Many names

Kismet

Destiny

Fate

Serendipity

All wrapped into one

Tight little package

What is meant to happen

Will simply happen

Everything past

Happened for a reason

What is meant to be

Will simply be

Mistakes happen

For a reason

Regret little

The happiness you'll find

Because without the downs

You once faced

You'd never know

Just how good

Your good times are

Orchids

Smiling up toward the clouds

Remembering sweet love affairs

Diamonds

Sparkle bright

Illuminating your warmth

Aged wisdom

Finds an unexpected home

Worming inside

Spreading across

Unknown ahead

Keep hopes alive

Self-image

Self-esteem

Self-concept

Took a beating

Took a lashing

Tried to stand up

To the pressure

Tried to fight back

Self-worth

Crumbled

Under the pressure

Self-esteem

Caved

At the first sign of attack

But after the war

When all was said and done

All began anew

Dusted off

And stood up

Once the final cut finished

A new start began

Another do-over

I know what I had

I know what I've lost

I thought I knew what I wanted

I may know what I want now

Not forever

But for now

I want the fun

Want the pleasure

Without the problems

Without the strings

No fighting my past

Nothing serious to think about

Nothing to regret later

Nothing to miss when it's gone

Kill the time

Have the fun

It's what I deserve

What I want

I think

But am I unsure

Confused about what's best

Will I still want it

When it's what I have

Hesitant

But the one thing

I am sure of

It's worth a try

 

Dear Diary,

This is probably the last time I will make the effort to open your pages. Life is ambiguous. Ever changing. Relative. Some days are ups; some days are downs. Everyone has problems, and everyone finds ways to cope or deal with the hand that's dealt.

I may have faced some hardships, but truthfully I have been through so much less than some others have. I do not necessarily need to rely on a coping mechanism such as this diary any longer. I have faced heartache and have still been strong enough to glue my broken heart back together. I have faced utter happiness and been able to share it with those I adore. I have been able to live my life without the security blanket of your pages, and I have done fine.

Everyone makes mistakes. I know I am nowhere near done with my fair share of mistakes, but I do not regret much. I wouldn't be who I am now if I had not made the mistakes I have and been through every twist and turn I've faced.

Because in the end, with every flaw included, I love me.

I've kept true to myself with Tanner, and he respects and loves me that much more for it. I'm still considering sharing my story with others too. I have so much positive going on in my life now that these journals seem to take more time than I have to give. I want to use my efforts for other things.

I think that's part of what growing up is about. We all need to let go of some things. It is the only way to encourage real change. Whether it's a dysfunctional relationship or a security blanket that's hindering our growth, the things that hold us back need to blow away in the wind. And that's what I'm doing with this diary.

It used to be what helped me go on, what forced me to cope, what helped me to heal. But now I've come to do those things on my own. I'll never throw it away even if my story stays between me and the ink it's written in. There are so many memories that are too important to end up in the trash.

But this will be my last entry. Maybe the next time I open you up I'll have almost forgotten what is written here.

Here is to new beginnings.

Permanent reminders

Ink below the surface

Keepsakes

A true love

A learned lesson

There forever

Find peace in the stability

Add to them

More memories

Tough exterior

Strong

And secure

Tattoo the love you gave me

Onto the folds of my heart

There is always

A new beginning

Just around the corner

There is always

A new opportunity

To make yourself

Better

There is always

A new possibility

For change

Healing

And growth

You just have to

Open your eyes

And be willing to

See all of the

Positivity

In front of you

Begging to be

Noticed

Can never go back

Changed forever

For the better

A golden orchid

Wouldn't want to go back after

Singing to the

Weeping willow

Under the twinkling stars

That are playing hide and seek

Behind blushing clouds

She is different now

That beautiful orchid

Is better for what

She's been through

She watches

And doesn't want to miss

Fireflies kissing

Soft petals of fragrant lilies

As cool dense fog rolls into the meadow

Of our friendship

Freckles skip across

Smiling cheeks

And lines crinkle

Showing how many times

We laugh till we cry

I would never go back

If given the choice

You are my best friend

From now until the end

Never completed

Ever changing

More to learn

Room to grow

Unfinished

This time

Means a new beginning

Bittersweet melody

Calming chaos

The end of one chapter

Leads to the beginning of a fresh new book

Written words

Etched into my skin

Be gentle with myself

Love with unabashed passion

Kiss with eyes closed tight

Miss what is gone

Love what is here

Hope for what will come

But in the end

This piece is finally done

Why would you ever

Want to waste your time

On that

There is no future

There is no merit

What a load of crap

That's what people say

Or what they think

When I tell them

What I hope to do

But I can change

All their minds

I can prove them wrong

I am not wasting anything

I'm trying to give back

And when I finish

When I'm successful

I can tell them all

I told them so

 

Meagan's eyes wandered over the lazy Sunday shoppers as they roamed cafés and clothing racks. Chatter swirled around in subtle ebbs and flows but never fully stopped. There was no pressure, no time limit. It was a relaxing stroll type of afternoon, she noted, as the autumn sun peeked between clouds every so often to check on the progress of her people. Some of the quaint little shops littering Main Street piqued her interest, but there was no urgency to rush in or out of any.

“How is the job hunt going?”

Heather had graduated with Meagan, and neither had been able to grow up as planned just yet. Both were wielding their shiny new degrees while searching for full-time careers.

“It's awful. Seriously. I've applied to dozens of entry-level positions. I've broadened my search a hundred times, looking for anything I may qualify for, even if it sounds boring. I don't even care if it's in the field anymore either. How do they expect you to have experience if no one will give you any?” Meagan's frustration pulsed out as each complaint became more pressured than the previous.

“I know. Same here, hun. All I want to do is move out of my parents' house. Is that so much to ask?”

At least Heather understood.

“Absolutely not!” Meagan huffed past several shops too swanky for her budget. Until she could convince someone to hire her, she had to be more conscious about her spending.

“I know it will happen for both of us. And as much as I hate to hear anyone else say it, we just need to be patient.”

Meagan snorted, but she knew Heather was right. It was an employer's market right now, and fresh out of college, Meagan knew she would have to pay her dues. Some of those dues apparently were waiting as long as it took.

“You're right. I know you're right.”

“Anyway, how are you other than frustrated with the job search?”

It had been several months since Meagan and Heather had spent time together, but every time they did it was like picking up directly where they had left off. Some friendships just work that way.

“I'm pretty good. I've been getting along with my family surprisingly well lately, and I'm embracing the relationship life. It just means I don't always get to control the remote anymore, Ha! What about you?” Meagan felt a swell of pride as she realized what she'd said was true. She was happier than she had been in a long while.

But her pride converted to concern as Heather responded, “Actually, I've been stressed out as of late.”

She noticed as the lines deepened on Heather's brow.

“Why? What's going on?”

“Well Craig started texting me again. Every few years, he decides he needs to butt back into my life, and every time, he sends me crashing back into a past I'd much rather forget than relive.” Heather's voice caught on her last word.

Meagan had no idea what Heather was struggling with.

“Well, I know I've never met him, but he sounds like a jerk.”

Heather laughed a broken and hesitant sound, but Meagan continued unfazed.

“Seriously, if he causes you this much turmoil, he isn't worth it.”

“I know I should understand that, and in some ways I do, but honestly we have this connection I don't know how to let go of. We have such a long history. Good and bad. I don't know how to let go of the good, which means I'm also stuck with the bad.”

Meagan had a thought she didn't want to acknowledge yet, despite its possibility to help Heather.

“Well, I can understand holding on to something despite knowing you shouldn't.” Meagan hesitated to add what she knew would be supportive.

“Am I just crazy to intentionally take on such hurt?”

And somehow that question tipped the scales for Meagan. She'd gotten more comfortable, so her hesitation was absurd. But when it came to close friends who still didn't know, she would probably always worry about their reactions. She hated to lose people if they couldn't understand.

“No, you aren't crazy. You are human. We all have problems, and we all have things we struggle to let go of despite their ill effects.” Meagan took a breath to calm her nerves as she rarely told anyone about her past anymore. “I can completely understand, because I used to do some stupid crap I had an incredibly hard time letting go of. Mine didn't have to do with the entanglements of past romance like you're dealing with right now, but it did involve intentionally taking on hurt. I think if I share about my past, it may help you learn to let go. If you want to hear about it, that is.” Meagan kept her eyes glued to her moving feet, waiting for Heather's response.

“Yes, please. Of course I want to know more about what you've gone through and your past. I'm your friend.”

Heather grabbed Meagan's hand as they continued to walk, and Meagan began to share things she hardly ever thought about anymore.