In the Rearview (21 page)

Today is the day

I forgive Myself

for All

the Mistakes

I've made

Today I Understand

that I am Human

and I

like Anybody else

have my Own

Faults

I Do have my

Problems

and I have

done Destructive things

But

Today I start Learning

Today I start Healing

Today I Want

to Begin

to Mend

my Broken Heart

but to do that

I Must

Stay Positive

and above all

I Need

to Remember

that I Must Always

Love Myself

Many people

Are still gorgeous

Intact

Whole

And untouched

Still protected

From real problems

Disfiguring sorrows

And scaring disappointments

I've faced

What some haven't

And unlike

Those untouched people

I'm lucky to have

Come out

The other side

In one piece

Why is it easier to trust someone else

Than it is to trust myself

Why do I find it easier to forgive others

When I almost never forgive myself

Why am I so hard on the only person

Who is always around

Why can't I be nicer

To the voice inside my head

These things took time to heal from

The scars only fade with time

It wasn't always easy

But with time I learned to trust my feelings

And as time went I got better

Faster in kindness with myself

It took time

And it took a lot of effort

But I love myself now

So it should be an easier task

Yet somehow I still find ways to stumble

And I have to continue working on

Forgiving myself as well

 

Dear Diary,

The world is always moving. You can't ever make it stop.

Tanner is so amazing, and the time I spend with him always feels too short. Usually when I have to leave him, it feels like I've only been there for a few minutes.

He's the best thing that has ever happened to me.

But… oh man, I hate that there's a
but
; Tanner
is
amazing, but I need to make sure I am always true to myself in this relationship. In the past I've let myself be changed by some
one, and I don't want that to happen now, because if it does, we will never last.

Before, if I was dating a guy and our likes or ideas didn't completely match up, I'd slowly morph myself to better match him. It sounds so stupid when I say it now. But I never even noticed I was doing it at the time. I'd try new things, new behaviors, new interests, and I'd love every single one. So I would start to change. And soon I would lose a little of myself without ever realizing. Then later, when those relationships ended, I'd see the changes afterward.

I don't want to do that this time.

Tanner and I don't need to agree on everything. I've already started so much better off by knowing that. We both need to have our own opinions, and when they match up, great, but when they don't, that's just as good. To make it, we each need to be our own person.

That's part of why this relationship feels different and so much better than any other. This time, I truly am still me in every way.

It's hard to think about how I've failed to stray true before, but I try to give myself some slack. Everyone tells me I'm still young, and I think that was part of the problem before. I didn't always know what I felt about something or who I was in every instance; so instead of finding out, it had been easy to just make myself believe I felt as my boyfriends had. But as I grow and live my life, I find it easier to recognize this behavior and change the old ways. Now I think about how I actually feel, instead of how I think I should.

This gives me a lot of hope for our relationship.

But more than that, it gives me so much pride and hope in myself and
any
future I will have.

There are scars that don't show

There are invisible tattoos

Trying to stop loving you feels like dying

Missing you has become normal

Some things just can't change

Some things aren't left behind

Some scars don't show on the outside

When I look at you

And you are happy

I can see the happiness in me

You reflect

What I feel

Right back at me

You're my mirror

Smiling happily

I know I am ready

Don't care if

Anyone else is not

Strong enough

To do it on my own

Not sure what I want more

However

It is not the one

I would choose

Out of so many

And with life

Coming just around the corner

Don't even have a job

Lined up yet

So much will take a break

Hiatus

Preexisting conditions

Are hard to get around

Problems sure to arise

If I had to

I could deal with them

Stand out and shine

I know I am ready

Now I just need the answer

Unanswered questions

No glimpse into the future

No handbook

Or guide

Or directions

For life

Confusion

And potential trouble

But does that outweigh

The potential for

Ecstasy

At a crossroads

While sitting nowhere

Undeniable

Ambiguity

Hopeful for the future

Scared about the past

Trying to move on

Struggling to let go

Always getting better

Occasionally looking back

Can never forget

But try not to dwell

Find an even balance

To make everything okay

I look around

And all I see

Is a big question mark

Staring back at me

Everything is stopped

As if I hit

Pause on the remote

Breath held in

Nothing else moves

Not even sure

What I want

Or how it should

Turn out

Relief and regret

Tinge the outcome

Either way

It lands

I just want to look away

And know

One way or the other

What it is

I see

It's a weird feeling

To not want to get better

To hate the pain

But embrace it

Simultaneously

In one twisted breath

Intertwined

Breaking brittle bones

Just to mend

Them again

Cycled confusion

Confused expectations

Backward hopes

Nothing to hold onto

Slipping fast

Past the feelings

I do not understand

Why don't I want

To be happy

Why would I want

To prevent the change

Why don't I want to get better

Anytime soon

I

Think

I'll feel better

If

I

Just

Let

It

Out

And

Cry

Everyone can use a good cry once in a while

Walk into life with your chin held high

Meagan's head was down, and her right hand was flying as fast as it could. She wrote furiously to get the words onto the page before she forgot them. She always felt better while she was writing.

She believed writing was an art form, and she was truly an artist, or so she hoped. When she was painting with words, nothing else mattered. Nothing.

The world could be crumbling, or rejoicing around her, and all Meagan noticed was the scribbles in her notebook. She would step into the world she was creating, and everything else disappeared. Everything just melted away as she dove further and further into her written work. She could envision the scenes playing out before her, and she needed to block everything else out in order to capture them just right.

Meagan could enter a world of fiction and lose herself. When she was writing, she could come up with any ending she wanted. She was not bound to the laws of reality, and she did not need to stick to true events.

Writing had always come easily to her. She loved it, and it seemed to love her back. This was a two-way relationship she had come to rely on.

If she was upset, she could create a character perpetually perky. If she was bored, she could detail events far from mundane. The possibilities were limitless, and that was where Meagan thrived.

****

Meagan peered around the student center and observed those around her. People-watching was an amazing way to spend time, and a college campus was a perfect place to watch many types of people. She knew she would not be in college forever, and she took the time to relax between classes simply to watch.

She took in the movements, the characters, and the conversations around her, knowing each may help her to write something amazing.

She held up her book and pretended to read while her eyes searched around for inspiration. Stifling a giggle, she tried not to picture what she looked like peering over her pages with suspicious wide eyes.

The couple pretending not to fight on the couch across the room was definitely interesting. The way they whispered was anything but intimate. Their faces were drawn tightly, and the tension was nearly palpable. Someone had definitely done something wrong.

There was also a student who was lost in his seat across from Meagan. He stared at his textbooks with a frown. His eyes were not taking in any information as they remained stationary. His brow was furrowed, and he appeared to be thinking hard. Meagan wondered what was bothering him.

****

Meagan's newest piece was centered around the shattering realization of betrayed trust. She had been walking to class this morning, and the words simply formed themselves inside her head. She had pulled out her phone to type them out before losing their clarity.

Complex descriptions and vivid pictures flashed in front of Meagan while she raced to capture them as quickly as she could.

She had been walking in the crisp sunshine of an autumn afternoon, when out of nowhere, she could feel the angst and desperation of the words that began her new story. She could picture her character sobbing on a hard tile floor while her previously serene world ripped apart.

This was how Meagan's best stories began, suddenly and unexpectedly.

Her brain worked in odd ways, and sometimes she just needed to get the words out. After jotting everything down, she always felt better. Somehow, getting the words out felt like a relief. Often, she felt frustrated and had no idea why until she constructed a poem or scene that had been flitting across the edges of her consciousness.

She wondered where this next piece of fiction would take her.