In the Rearview (13 page)

Road of support on the way to recovery

Dear Diary,

Life is hard, but every day I'm getting better at dealing with that. I am so thrilled to say I can cope these days with pretty much everything life throws me. I can be okay with not feeling so happy. Now that doesn't break me. If I'm not so up, I choose to realize my mood will eventually change. I will not always be down, and being down doesn't always equate to being depressed. I can just be sad.

And similarly, when I have an urge to hurt myself, I can get through that too. What feels intense for a moment doesn't feel that way forever. It always subsides eventually.

I do have happy days too. I do have amazing friends. I do have a great family.

And I am so lucky to have all of my supports. My family has learned a little about the mistakes I've made now, and though they are sad for me, they still love and remain there for me. They don't know everything. I will probably never share the entire picture with them, but that is my choice. They know I was depressed, I've healed, and have been moving on. That's what I choose to share.

They have made me realize I can have more. I am allowed to strive for the best. I am allowed to cry when I may not reach my expectations. It's okay to cry, and it's also okay to be happy.

It's okay to admit to having hard days sometimes.

And it's perfectly fine to be me just as I am.

The strongest testimony is

To stand next to me

To hear me and to listen

Know how I feel and why

To keep jokes of what you

Know I can't handle

Out of sight and mind

You know I've been through a lot

I've had my ups and downs

There are some things

That will never seem funny to me

I'm so proud you've taken the time

To know why I feel this way

I know it's hard to hear my pain

And though I know it's hard to believe

But it's helped make me who I am today

Just want to be with you

Want to be yours

But you are with her

You are hers

She loves you

And you love her

While I am sometimes his

Nothing close to love

More like convenience

So much else is neglected

He will never be you

Never live up to you

And I fear I can never have you again

You are the one

The only one

Who is held up

The memory of you

For all others

To be compared to

Yet unfortunately

Most cannot live up

Not even you

How do you solve the problem

That lurks just beyond you

Never quite in reach

It's always in the shadows

Evading your every move

How do you catch your problems

When they always stay out of sight

Hold my hand

And weaken my knees

Melt my harsh exterior

All to open my heart

Hold it in your hands

But please be careful

Don't break it

Or drop it

Like you just did

Wait

Please don't step on it

Stop before you shatter it

Well at least

Hand me back the shards

A teardrop falls

A dot on the floor

A goodbye

A farewell to the past

And to you

And what I used to do

A

Thought

A

Passing

Hint

Of

An

Idea

Could

I

Would

I

Maybe

Hold my hand

Just one more time

Look into my eyes

See them sparkle for you

Can't you please

Just hold onto me

One more time

Would it hurt to kiss me

She doesn't have to know

You may decide you miss me

Want me back

Can't live without me

If we try

Just one more time

I know I was blind

I was lonely

I was cold

I was in pain

But I broke the cycle

I pulled myself out

Broke free

From the chains

And certainly

You can understand

Why I would put you through this

Tell you memories

You never

Wanted to hear

I value honesty

And love you

Enough to

Show you

What's inside

 

Meagan took slow breaths in through her nose, held onto them for a count of one, two, three, and then let them go as slowly as she could. Measuring her breathing like this, making it take longer for each, forcing herself to think about it and nothing else, helped her to feel less dizzy with pressure.

She focused her eyes on a black smudge on the linoleum. It was probably from a shoe that had scuffed its mark. She tried to think about who had been wearing that shoe, what they'd been doing that day, where they had just come from, and where they'd been going next. She tried to think about anything but the growing want, just behind her bellybutton, starting to claw its way up to her temples.

It felt like her spine had grown fingers and was gripping at the edges of her stomach. What had happened didn't matter. She'd been embarrassed and that's all. But a little thing like that could send her world crashing to the floor to shatter at her feet.

Now she could see more than the smudge. She could see the shoes of her classmates. She could focus on a wider scope without wanting to run or pass out from resisting. The breathing helped. It also helped to hold her hands tightly intertwined. There they felt grounded. She felt safe from them when they grabbed each other.

Moments like this were hard for Meagan. She had realized the want didn't always come at times that made sense. It wasn't a logical desire most of the time. But usually she could get through it. And she was determined to now. If she had to describe her urges to cut, her heartbreaking addiction, it would be detailed something like this, and she had thought about it plenty of times lately in order to get this right…

It starts with a tiny, dust sized, speck of an idea that floats by, sometimes triggered, sometimes without any warning or reason. It moves around, just a nuisance, circling for a spot to land and infect. You can try to bat it away, but that means acknowledgment of the problem you want so bad just to pretend doesn't exist. So you don't swipe it away. You ignore it flying in front of you, poking at you like a hair in your eye.

Then it catches somewhere and sticks like a leech to fresh blood. It starts to burrow into you, making it harder to pretend it isn't there. With little hooks holding down deep it won't ever go away on its own now.

That's when the real trouble starts.

The infection spreads, rotting and contaminating everything it can reach. It's ambitious, moving quickly and leaving no corner unchecked.

Thoughts become cancerous.

And once the thought is there and can't be ignored anymore, it becomes the only thing it is possible to think about. Supposedly your heart keeps beating, and you continue breathing, but you don't think about doing these, you don't even notice them happening.

All you can focus on is this one thing.

This one bad, stupid, and self-destructive thing you've sworn off of is now tearing your hair out and scratching inside your skull. This thing you should not be doing is your entire world. It's suffocating you and taking over each of your senses. Everything else just melts away. And the thing stands in front of you, nose to nose, begging to be given attention, to be played with, begging not to be ignored.

“Just this once.”

It whispers.

“It will be our little secret.”

It promises.

“Please. You know you want to.”

It begs.

“Once more, and I will leave you alone forever.

It lies.

And when the rest of the world is blacked out it is so incredibly hard not to listen to these persuasions. When it has a hold of your heart and runs fire through your veins it seems impossible not to give in. And even though it is possible, it's so difficult. Remaining strong until the want fades away to wherever it snuck in from takes practice and patience.

But for every wave the tide also recedes. It won't stay intense forever. It may feel like it, and the thing will tell you so, but an urge will not kill you. If you can resist and ride it out each appearance has less pressure.

The monster gets bored eventually and will find something else to do other than torturing you…

****

Meagan could feel the creativity within her put the description together. And somehow, putting the terrifying experience of an addictive craving into words made it just a little bit easier to handle. It put meaning to feelings. And it had distracted her enough for this one to subside.

She would be able to add another day to her tally now. She had made it through and would refrain. It was remarkable that as the number grew, so did her determination to never see zero again.

There is something dark

Somewhere deep inside me

It hides away

And bides its time

Waiting to strike when I am weakest

There is a monster

Lurking inside my mistakes

Tiptoeing along my past

Ready to grab me

And drag me into the dark

I have been strong

I have been able

To resist temptation

For longer than I thought I could

I am proud

I am happy

That I have conquered

What used to tear me down

I resist

I am resisting

And I will as long as I can

My hands start to shake

How can I be nervous

I have done this so many times before

But never with you

After this

It will never be a what if

Can never take it back

But what scares me most

Is you will not want it again

Want me again

How could I deal with that

I watch you talk to her

See your hands upon her skin

It turns my eyes to red

Sets my insides on fire

What is so special about her

What is wrong with me

Why do you choose to have her near you

Instead of who you used to have

When did I become obsolete

Why did my advice stop mattering

How did I lose my closest friend

The ground opens up

And swallows me whole

It doesn't chew

Doesn't stop to breathe

Insatiable

Always wanting more

I have no idea

How many others have come before

But I cannot be the last