In the Distance (22 page)

“I didn’t trust them. I trusted Trevor enough after a few months of whatever we were doing to tell him, but I didn’t trust Ethan or Jamie to understand where I was coming from. Fuck, Claire. I even yelled at Ethan. He was going on and on about what a shit Trevor is, and I just lost it.”

She reached across the table and patted my hand. “It’ll all work out. Like I said before, it only feels like it’s the end of the world. So, we’ve established your parents are pieces of shit who don’t deserve you, but that’s their fault, not yours. It sucks about not being able to see your brother and sister anymore, but the here and now isn’t always the here and now, Tyler. Give it some time. It may take a few years, but they won’t be under your parents’ roof forever. You’ll see them again and then it can be on your terms, not your parents’. As for Ethan and Jamie, I have a newsflash for you. They’re not perfect. We both worship E and Jamie—and I swear to God I will kick your scrawny little ass if you ever tell them I said that—but they fuck up, too. Look at how long it took for them to realize they should be together. Yeah. So not perfect. As for Trevor? I’m not sure what to tell you about him. Hookup or not, you obviously care about him, otherwise you wouldn’t be so hurt about this. Ultimately, though, you’re old enough to make your own decisions about who you date and who you let into your bed.”

Claire laughed at the same time I felt my face flush with heat. “God, Claire. I can’t believe we’re talking about this.”

“Suck it up, buttercup. Ethan and Jamie would have fucked this conversation up ten ways to Sunday, so you’re stuck with me. If I can handle living with them for a semester and dealing with ass prints on the fridge, and the coffee table, and the bathroom mirror, I can deal with talking about sex with you.”

My eyes darted to the fridge and I made a mental note to bring some of the industrial-strength surface cleaner from the restaurant. Claire ignored my panicked glances at the now-tainted appliance and continued.

“Look, I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but even though Trevor and Jamie grew up the same way, they’re as different as night and day. Before his parents disowned him, Jamie never flashed his money around or lorded his status over anyone. He just wanted people to be around him for him. Not because his parents were rich. He wasn’t a rich jerk because he knew what it felt like to be lonely, but he wasn’t willing to sell his soul to buy friends. From what Jamie has told me, Trevor grew up with more money than Jamie’s parents had, but he was normal. Had a normal family who accepted him for who he was and a normal childhood. I’m not saying he’s not a self-important, egotistical ass—not to quote E or anything—but he didn’t have the same kind of issues we had to deal with, growing up with parents who really weren’t parents.”

Ethan and Claire rarely talked about their parents. Ethan’s dad had turned to drinking and had abandoned them when times had gotten tough. His mom tried, but from everything I’d heard, she was rarely home, leaving Ethan and Claire to take care of themselves. It was a wonder they hadn’t ended up on the streets like I had.

“Hey, we all turned out okay, shitty parents and all. But Trevor never had to worry about where his next meal was coming from or if his mom and dad would be there when he got home at night. And yeah, he can be a dick with an attitude the size of Texas, but when it mattered, Trevor did the right thing. He could have made things hard for the guys, but he didn’t. He’s not a bad guy. He’s just a spoiled brat who’s never had to work for anything in life. Hell, Jamie made being an agent easy for him. He’s what, ten years older than you are, right? But because of what you’ve gone through, you’re ten years more mature than he is. I don’t know if you still want him, Lord knows none of us would be upset if you didn’t, but if you really do want to make this work with him, you have to remember you’re worth him having to work his ass off to deserve you.”

“The problem is, I don’t know what I want.”

“Oh honey, that’s normal. Sometimes what our head wants isn’t what our heart wants, and don’t even get me started on what our bodies want. But that’s a different talk and I’m pretty sure the image of Jamie’s ass prints on the fridge have scarred you enough for today. All I’m saying is I know people have let you down and kicked you to the curb. But you’ve got to trust me when I say you deserve so much better. Ethan, Jamie and I love you. Enrique’s family adores you. Everyone at Bistro 30 thinks you work too hard and you need to take more days off than you do, but even they will be sad to see you go if you decide to leave the kitchen. None of that means anything, though, unless you believe it yourself. You have to believe you’re worth all that love and admiration or nothing will change. If Trevor really wants you, he has to believe you’re worth putting first and maybe for the first time in his life, he’ll have to work to make someone other than himself happy.”

“It’s a lot to think about, but thanks, Claire. For everything.”

She squeezed my hand one last time. “Anytime. Trust me, you’re way easier to talk to than my idiot brother. Thank God he has Jamie now to talk some sense in him. I was getting to the point where I wanted to start charging him for my services.”

Claire winked at me, then got up and began cleaning the kitchen. We worked side by side until the food was put away and the kitchen was spotless. Before she gathered her bags, she patted the fridge and laughed, reminding me again to make a mental list of everything I needed to wipe down in the apartment after she left.

When we got to the door, she rose up on her toes and pulled my head down to place a gentle kiss on my forehead.

“I’m only a call or text away, but please, for the love of God, call E and Jamie. They’re freaking out. And as much as I love antagonizing them, if you don’t call, they’ll keep calling me and I actually do have some work to do today.”

Without waiting for a response, Claire walked out the door, leaving me once again alone in my apartment. With my mind reeling from our talk, I made my way into my living room and sank down on my futon. I still wasn’t sure what I wanted to do about Trevor, but I did agree with Claire on needing to make some changes. For so long, I’d been afraid to want things for myself. I knew it wasn’t right, but after my parents kicked me out, I felt as if I didn’t deserve to be happy. Alive? Sure. Fed and clothed, also a necessity. But happy? I’d given up the thought of being happy when I realized my own family thought I was an abomination. After my talk with Claire, though, I realized that had to change.

I picked up my phone and typed out an overdue text.

Thanks for sending Claire over. Feeling better and will be at B30 for my next shift. I’m so sorry. For everything.

Ethan’s reply came almost immediately.

Water under the bridge, but ditto. Remind me to buy my sister something nice. Glad you’re feeling better. We’ll see you at the restaurant tomorrow.

I would still apologize to both him and Jamie in person. They deserved more than an impersonal text. Way more. Before I lost my nerve, I found the number of my academic advisor and left her a voice mail about coming in to talk about changing my major. I still wasn’t sure I could swing the extra tuition, but I was finished ignoring what I truly wanted.

Which just left one thing on my list. Trevor. My head and heart were still all jumbled up about what I wanted. I’d learned the hard way that trust was a fragile thing, easily broken, even between people you considered your family. Being with Trevor had made me realize how alone I’d been for far too long. But last night had also made me realize that sometimes it was better to be alone for the right reasons, than with someone for the wrong. And right now, I had too many other things in my life to sort out to worry about whether we were right for each other or wrong.

As I leaned back on my futon and closed my eyes, I wasn’t sure if I was comforted by that thought, or not.

Chapter Twenty-Seven

Trevor
Mid-April

“Hey, Tyler. I have no idea if you’re listening to these messages or if you’re just deleting them, but I’m sorry. I never should have opened my big mouth and talked to Jamie about school after you trusted me just to listen. I’m even sorrier for Sterling’s shitty comments and for everything else you heard. I swear to God it wasn’t what it sounded like. I don’t even know what’s really going on because the damn music was too loud for me to hear anything besides something about Ethan and Jamie and the cops. I called the restaurant, worried out of my mind, but Ethan answered and told me to fuck off before hanging up on me. I figured you’d get a kick out of that.” I paused, my stomach churning as I tightened my grip on my phone. “Just one text. One phone call. Then I promise I’ll leave you alone. I’m just scared something is really wrong, and I don’t want it to end this way.”

There was nothing else to say I hadn’t already said in the countless texts and voice mails I’d left him. At first, I’d been pissed. Tyler had refused to answer any of my calls or texts, no matter how many I sent. I hadn’t spoken to Jamie since the morning he’d hung up on me and had only exchanged one set of texts.

My question of “
Any update on Tyler?
” was answered with, “
He’ll be fine.
He just needs time to deal with some stuff.
I’ll call you if anything happens
,
but for now
,
let him have some peace.
”

In essence, Jamie had given me the politest fuck-you he could, effectively ending the conversation we’d barely started.

A year ago, I would have taken Jamie’s advice as a convenient out. A way to avoid dealing with the drama associated with the relationships I’d expertly kept at bay all these years. Today, however, I was pissed at him for keeping me out of the loop. Pissed that Tyler was freezing me out when all I wanted to do was dig in my claws and hold on. Pissed at myself for fucking up the one thing I hadn’t wanted, but now couldn’t fathom losing.

“Shit!” I threw my pen across the room and buried my head in my hands. Everything in me screamed not to let it end like this. I was a pro at keeping shit casual, but I didn’t want casual with Tyler. After going behind his back, I knew I didn’t deserve his trust, but losing him was unimaginable. Another voice in my head, however, told me maybe, just maybe, it would be better for everyone if we all just walked away. Ethan and Jamie would be happier knowing I wasn’t playing around with their adopted little brother, and Tyler would most definitely be happier without a manwhore like me making his already difficult life that much harder.

I glanced at the itinerary for this weekend one last time before I picked up my phone, scrolling through the contacts until I found the one I needed.

“Skylight Travel. This is Debbie speaking. What I can do for you today?”

“Hey, Debbie, it’s Trevor Pratt. I need to make some last-minute changes to my trip to Seattle this weekend.”

* * *

The gray sky above had been threatening to open up and rain for the past hour. Luckily, it had held off—the only luck I’d had this past week. As if on cue, a few drops began to fall around my feet.

“Fucking Seattle weather.” I huddled closer to the building, still keeping my eyes trained on the direction of the closest bus stop. I hadn’t told anyone I was coming in a day early. I wasn’t scheduled to meet with Natalie until the end of my trip, and Jamie and I weren’t scheduled to meet up until Saturday morning for our drive to Vancouver for his book signing. And Tyler? At this point, I figured Tyler wasn’t even listening to my voice mails or reading the texts I sent. When I’d changed my flight, I’d known I was taking a risk coming in a day early just to talk to him. One way or another, we both deserved to finally have whatever we were feeling out in the open so we could move on without having to wonder what-if. As the scattered droplets of rain turned into a steady drizzle, I knew any luck I’d been holding on to with this weather, or the entire blasted trip, had run out.

After almost an hour, I was just about to give up and go back to the hotel when I saw him. It was dark and I was easily sixty yards away, but everything in my body recognized Tyler immediately. It wasn’t until he placed his foot on the first step to his building’s entrance that he noticed me.

For a moment, I swear time stood still. His eyes widened in surprise, then, as quickly as it had come, all emotion bled away. I wasn’t sure what I expected. Anger? Surprise? Both of those would have been normal reactions. Seeing him look through me with no emotion one way or another made me question if the past few months had meant anything to him at all.

Panicking, I followed him up the stairs and did what I did best when stressed. I rambled.

“I would have called to let you know I was here, but I think there must be something wrong with my phone provider because I suspect a lot of calls haven’t been going through this week.”

He finally met my gaze again, but said nothing. We stood there, in the light rain and looked at each other. After a few seconds, he continued up the steps into his building.

“I get it. I fucked up. Worse than that, I went behind your back with something you told me in confidence. And even though I don’t deserve it, I’m begging you to talk to me.”

Tyler paused outside his door to fish his keys out of his pocket. Sensing this was my last chance to talk to him, I added, “You probably won’t believe this, but I lost it after you hung up. I replayed every word I’d heard you say, then ran through every fucking scenario I could in an attempt to make sense of what was going on, each one worse than the last. Tomorrow you can go back to hating me for all the things I did wrong—and trust me, I know the list is a fucking mile long—but tonight, please, just talk to me.”

Still looking at the door, Tyler finally answered me. “I said I was fine.”

It was a smart-ass move, but I was tired, wet and slowly losing patience. “Well, there’s our breakdown of communication. Because in New York, ‘I’m fine’ never means you’re really fine.”

With more fire in his eyes than I’d ever seen, Tyler finally looked at me and laughed, the sound cold and humorless. “Why do you care? About any of this? You have your life, your good-looking rich friends, your money. Why are you worried about a former homeless kid like me? You couldn’t possibly miss any of this shit. Oh, wait. I forgot. You missed your boy toy. Silly me. Sorry. He has the night off. He’s too busy slumming it trying to make money for rent and food to worry about being at your beck and call.”

His words cut deeper than the blank look he’d given me earlier. I hadn’t come here to fight and spew venom at each other, and yet here we were flinging our words at each other like weapons.

“You’re not my boy toy. Shit, Tyler. I shouldn’t even have to tell you that. I’m trying to tell you I’m sorry here. I know you’re pissed, but you have to believe me when I say Sterling’s a fucking idiot who has no clue who you are and what you mean to me.”

Tyler’s eyes widened in surprise, but he didn’t say anything.

“I fucked up. I get that. And I’ve been trying to remedy that for the past week. You have no idea how much I’ve been looking forward to this trip. Not because of Jamie’s book signing or Natalie’s promo shit, but because I couldn’t wait to see you again. Please, just talk to me before you slam the door in my face.”

I’d never been good at this stuff. As crappy as I was at it, though, I wasn’t leaving without a fight.

Tyler looked me in the eyes one last time before turning back to the door and unlocking it. For a moment, I expected him to slam it in my face. Instead, he met my gaze again, his expression no longer blank. This was a Tyler I’d never seen before. As I searched his eyes for any of the quiet, shy man I’d driven home months ago, but all I saw was a hardened, bitter version of him.

“You want to talk? Fine, we can talk. But then I’m walking into my apartment, alone, to crash, because it’s been a helluva long day. No, scratch that. It’s been a long-ass week. In the past seven days, I’ve met with my advisor and my bosses so I can officially change my course of study. I still have no clue how I’m going to cover the cost of the extra tuition, but I’ll deal with that when I have to. Me. On my own without anyone swooping in to save poor little old Tyler. In addition to school stress, I had to mend my relationship with the two people who have looked out for me from day one. I hurt them, not because I changed my major, but because I was too chickenshit to tell them what was going on. I’m working really hard to regain their trust, but I know their hurt goes far deeper than just being disappointed. They’re the only family I have and I pissed all over them when I didn’t trust them enough to accept me. All of me. On top of everything, I was reminded of why trust was so fucking important. After the weekend of the gala, you asked me to trust you. To trust that you wouldn’t lie to me. More importantly, to trust that I wasn’t just a booty call for you whenever you were on the West Coast. How ironic that it took your New York boy toy to remind me just how easily trust can be broken.”

Tyler paused and chuckled, but the sound was distorted and dark. It didn’t sound anything like the Tyler I’d first met.

“I should probably thank you, though. If you hadn’t broken your promise to me and told Jamie about my doubts with the culinary program, I wouldn’t have realized how important they are to me. So, in a roundabout way, thanks for fucking me over and telling my boss things I specifically asked you not to talk to him about.”

I winced.

“Tyler, I’m sorry. I never meant to—”

“Save it. Like I said, we’re working on it and it was probably a good thing in the end. The kicker about all this, though, is that not only did I find out you’d talked to Jamie behind my back, but I finally went to parents’ house to see my sister and brother. Remember the advice you gave me? The part that suggested I go see them, because what’s the worst that could happen, right? Well, I found out that parents are more than willing to call the cops on their freak-of-nature son.”

Shock rolled through me. “What?”

Another mirthless snort. “Yeah. Dear old Mom and Dad didn’t like the fact I wanted to spread my gay pride germs to my siblings and called the police. Pathetic, huh? I’m such a freakish abomination to them they didn’t even bat an eye when the cops led me off the property.”

“Oh my God, Tyler. Why didn’t you tell me any of this? I know you’re pissed at me for talking to Jamie, but I can help. I want to help. Hell, I’ll help cover the cost of your tuition. It can be a loan, even though I couldn’t care less about you paying me back. And your parents. Shit, I know it’s a fucked-up situation, but I’m willing to do anything. Tell me how I can help and I’ll make it happen.”

Tyler stood up straighter and looked me dead in the eye.

“That’s funny coming from you, Trevor. Because I did call you for help. Not for money or pity, but because out of all the people in my life, you were the first person I wanted to talk to. It hurt you’d talked to Jamie behind my back, but I still called you. Not Jamie. Not Ethan. You. But you were too busy partying with your friend who seemed to know way more about me than I did about him.”

Tyler closed his eyes, the pain of everything that had happened etched on his face before he continued. “The thing is, I don’t know what you want from me. Was I just a replacement for Jamie? A Jamie 2.0 who needed saving from his evil parents and school debt? Because I gotta tell you, if that’s what you want, I’ll give you directions to the nearest homeless shelter. I’m sure there are plenty of people who want or need saving. As for me, I’ll save myself, thank you very much.”

When he looked back up at me, his eyes were glassy, but resolute. “Like I said before, it’s been a helluva week and I have to study for my midterms if I want to keep my grades up to stay in good standing with my scholarship and financial aid. I’m just a boy toy, after all. Not really someone worth talking to. But don’t worry, I have Claire and Ethan and Jamie to talk to, so forgive me if I’m all talked out now.”

Then, I watched as Tyler stepped back and slammed the door in my face. I wanted to pound on the door and scream until he opened it back up, but the look in his eyes had told a different story, though. For Tyler, all of this was over.

I leaned my forehead against the cold wood of his door, silently willing him to come back and open it. I stayed that way until I knew he wasn’t going to, then turned and walked down the stairs, each step away from him more painful than the last.