In Persuasion Nation (6 page)

I have
just had it with all of this, Slippen said, and stomped off to the
Observation Room.

Ha ha,
that Larry! Dove said. He did not even know your mom, Randy.

Only
we did, Andrews said.

Very
nice lady, Delacourt said.

Made
terrific pies, Dove said.

And I
was like, Do you guys think I am that stupid, I know something is up,
because how did Slippen know my mom was a redhead making a pie and
how did he know her exact words she said to me on my private Memory
Loop?

Then
there was this long silence.

And
Delacourt said, Randy, when you were a child, you thought as a child.
Do you know that one?

And I
did know that one, it being LI 88643 for Trojan Ribbed.

Well,
you are not a child anymore, he said. You are a man. A man in the
middle of making a huge mistake.

We had
hoped it would not come to this, Dove said.

Please
accompany us to the Facility Cinema, Delacourt said.

So I
accompanied them to the Facility Cinema, which was a room off of
Dining, with big-screen plasma TV and Pottery Barn leather couch and
deluxe Orville Redenbacher Corn Magician.

Up on
the big-screen came this old-fashioned-looking film of a plain young
girl with stringy hair, smoking a cigarette in a house that

looked
pretty bad.

And
this guy unseen on the video said, O.K., tell us precisely why, in
your own words.

And
the girl said, Oh, I dunno, due to my relation with the dad, I got
less than great baby interest?

O.K.,
the unseen voice said. And the money is not part?

Well,
sure, yeah, I can always use money, she said.

But it
is not the prime reason? the voice said. It being required that it
not be the prime reason, but rather the prime reason might be, for
example, your desire for a better life for your child?

O.K.,
she said.

Then
they pulled back and you could see bashed-out windows with cardboard
in them and the counters covered with dirty dishes and in the yard a
car up on blocks.

And
you have no objections to the terms and conditions? the voice said.
Which you have read in their entirety?

It's
all fine, the girl said.

Have
you read it? the voice said.

I read
in it, she said. O.K., O.K., I read it cover to freaking cover.

And
the name change you have no objection to? the voice said.

O.K.,
she said. Although why Randy?

And
the No-Visit Clause you also have no objection to? the voice said.

Fine,
she said, and took a big drag.

Then
Dove tapped on the wall twice and the movie Paused.

Do you
know who that lady is, Randy? he said.

No, I
said.

Do you
know that lady is your mom? he said.

No, I
said.

Well,
that lady is your mom, Randy, he said. We are sorry you had to learn
it in this manner.

And I
was like, Very funny, that is not my mom, my mom is pretty, with red
hair in a bun.

Randy,
we admit it, Delacourt said. We gave some of you stylized mothers, in
your Memory Loops, for your own good, not wanting you to feel bad
about who your real mothers were. But in this time of crisis we must
give you the straight skinny. That is your real mother, Randy, that
is your real former house, that is where you would have been raised
had your mother not answered our ad all those years ago, that is who
you are. So much in us is hardwired! You cannot fight fate without
some significant help from an intervening entity, such as us, such as
our resources, which we have poured into you in good faith all these
years. You are a prince, we have made you a prince. Please do not
descend back into the mud.

Reconsider,
Randy, Dove said. Sleep on it.

Will
you? Delacourt said. Will you at least sleep on it?

And I
said I would.

Because
tell the truth that thing with my mom had freaked me out, it was like
my foundation had fallen away, like at LI 83743 for Advil, where the
guy's foundation of his house falls away and he thunks his head on
the floor of Hell and thus needs a Advil, which the Devil has some
but won't give him any.

As he
left, Dove unhit Pause, and I had time to note many things on that
video, such as that lady's teeth were not good, such as my chin and
hers were similar, such as she referred to our dog as Shit Machine,
which what kind of name was that for a dog, such as at one point they
zoomed in on this little baby sitting on the floor in just a diaper,
all dirty and looking sort of dumb, and I could see very plain it was
me.

Just
before Dinner, Dove came back in.

Randy,
your Paperwork, per your Request, he said. Do you still want it?

I
don't know, I said. I'm not sure.

You
are making me very happy, Dove said.

And he
sent in Tony from Catering with this intense Dinner of steak au
poivre and our usual cheese tray with Alsatian olives, and a
milkshake in my monogrammed cup, and while I watched "Sunset
Terror Home" on the big-screen, always a favorite, Bedtime
passed and nobody came and got me, them letting me stay up as late as
I wanted.

Later
that night in my Privacy Tarp I was wakened by someone crawling in,
and, hitting my Abercrombie & Fitch night-light, I saw it

was
Slippen.

Randy,
I am so sorry for my part in all of this, he whispered. I just want
to say you are a great kid and always have been since Day One and in
truth I at times have felt you were more of a son than my own
personal sons, and likewise with Carolyn, who was the daughter I
never had.

I did
not know what to say to that, it being so personal and all, plus he
was like laying or lying practically right on top of me and I could
smell wine on his breath. We had always learned in Religion that if
something is making you uncomfortable you should just say it, so I
just said it, I said, Sir, this is making me uncomfortable.

You
know what is making me uncomfortable? he said. You lying here while
poor Carolyn sits in the Lerner Center all alone, big as a house,
scared to death. Randy, one only has one heart, and when that heart
is breaking via thinking of what is in store for poor Carolyn, one
can hardly be blamed for stepping in, can one? Can one? Randy, do you
trust me?

He had
always been good to me, having taught me so much, like how to hit a
Wiffle and how to do a pushup, and once had even brought in this
trough and taught me and Ed and Josh to fish, and how fun was that,
all of us laughing and feeling around on the floor for the fish we
kept dropping during those moments of involuntary blindness that
would occur as various fish-related LIs flashed in our heads, like
the talking whale for Stouffer's FishMeals (LI 38322), like the fish
and loafs Jesus makes at LI 83722 and then that one dude goes, Lord,
this bread is dry, can you not summon up some ButterSub?

I
trust you, I said.

Then
come on, he said, and crawled out of my Privacy Tarp.

We
crossed the Common Area and went past Catering, which I had never
been that far before, and soon were standing in front of this door
labelled Caution Do Not Open Without Facility Personnel
Accompaniment.

Randy,
do you know what is behind this door? Slippen said.

No, I
said.

Take a
look, he said.

And
smiling a smile like that mother on Christmas morning at LI 98732 for
Madpets.com, who throws off the tablecloth to reveal a real horse in
their living room chewing on the rug, Slippen threw open that door.

Looking
out, I saw no walls and no rug and no ceiling, only lawn and flowers,
and above that a wide black sky with stars, which all of that made me
a little dizzy, there being no glass between me and it.

Then
Slippen very gently pushed me Out.

And I
don't know, it is one thing to look out a window, but when you are
Out, actually Out, that is something very powerful, and how
embarrassing was that, because I could not help it, I went down flat
on my gut, checking out those flowers, and the feeling of the one I
chose was like the silk on that Hermès jacket I could never
seem to get Reserved because Vance was always hogging it, except the
flower was even better, it being very smooth and built in like
layers? With the outside layer being yellow, and inside that a white
thing like a bell, and inside the white bell-like thing were fifteen
(I counted) smaller bell-like red things, and inside each red thing
was an even smaller orange two-dingly-thing combo.

Which
I was like, Dude, who thought this shit up? And though I knew very
well from Religion it was God, still I had never thought so high of
God as I did just then, seeing the kind of stuff He could do when He
put His or Her mind to it.

Also
amazing was, laying there on my gut, I was able to observe very
slowly some grass, on a blade basis! And what I found was, each blade
is its total own blade, they are not all exact copies as I had always
thought when looking at the Rustic Village Apartment lawn from the
much coveted window seat, no, each blade had a special design of
up-and-down lines on it, plus some blades were wider than others, and
some were yellow, with some even having little holes that I guessed
had been put there via bugs chewing them?

By now
as you know I am sometimes a kidder, with Humor always ranked by my
peers as one of my Principal Positives on my Yearly Evaluation, but
being totally serious? If I live one million years I will never
forget all the beautiful things I saw and experienced in that kickass
outside yard.

Isn't
it something? Slippen said. But look, stand up, here is something
even better.

And I
stood up, and here came this bland person in blue scrubs, which my
first thought was, Ouch, why not accentuate that killer bone
structure with some makeup, and also what is up with that dull flat
hair, did you never hear of Bumble & Bumble Plasma Volumizer?

And
then she said my name.

Not my
name of Randy but my real name of Jon.

Which
is how I first got the shock of going, Oh my God, this poor
washed-out gal is my Carolyn.

And
wow was her belly bigger!

Then
she touched my face very tender and said,
The suspense of waiting
is over and this year's Taurus far exceeds expectations already high
in this humble farming community.

And I
was like, Carolyn?

And
she was like,
The beauty of a reunion by the sea of this mother
and son will not soon again be parted and all one can say is amen and
open another bag of chips, which by spreading on a thin cream on the
face strips away the harsh effect of the destructive years.

Then
she hugged me, which is when I saw the gaping hole in her neck where
her gargadisk had formerly been.

But
tell the truth, even with DermaFilled
^®
neckhole and
nada makeup and huge baby belly, still she looked so pretty, it was
like someone had put a light inside her and switched it on.

But I
guess it is true what they say at LI 23005, life is full of ironic
surprises, where that lady in a bikini puts on sunscreen and then
there is this nuclear war and she takes a sip of her drink only she
has been like burned to a crisp, because all that time Out not one LI
had come up, as if my mind was stymied or holding its breath, but now
all of the sudden here came all these LIs of Flowers, due to I had
seen those real-life flowers, such as talking daisies for Polaroid
(LI 101119), such as that kid who drops a jar of applesauce but his
anal mom totally melts when he hands her a sunflower (LI 22365), such
as the big word PFIZER that as you pan closer is made of roses (LI
88753), such as LI 73486, where as you fly over wildflowers to a
Acura Legend on a cliff the announcer goes, Everyone is entitled to
their own individual promised land.

And I
blinked on Pause but it did not Pause, and blinked on End but it did
not End.

Then
up came LIs of Grass, due to I had seen that lawn, such as an old guy
sprinkling grass seed while repetitively checking out his neighbor
girl who is sunbathing, and then in spring he only has grass in that
one spot (LI 11121), such as LI 76567, with a sweeping lawn leading
up to a mansion for Grey Poupon, such as (LI 00391) these grass
blades screaming in terror as this lawnmower approaches but then when
they see it is a Toro they put on little party hats.

Randy,
can you hear me? Slippen said. Do you see Carolyn? She has been
waiting out here an hour. During that hour she has been going where
she wants, looking at whatever she likes. See what she is doing now?
Simply enjoying the night.

And
that was true. Between flinches and blinks on End I could dimly
persee her sitting cross-legged near me, not flinching, not blinking,
just looking pretty in the moonlight with a look on her face of deep
concern for me.

Randy,
this could all be yours, Slippen was saying. This world, this girl!

And
then I must have passed out.

Because
when I came to I was sitting inside that door marked Caution Do Not
Open Without Facility Personnel Accompaniment, with my Paperwork in
my lap and all my Coördinators standing around me.

Randy,
Dove said. Larry Slippen here claims that you wish to Exit. Is this
the case? Did you in fact Request your Paperwork, then thrust it at
him?

O.K.,
I said. Yes.

So
they rushed me to Removals, where this nurse Vivian was like,
Welcome, please step behind that screen and strip off, then put

these
on.

Which
I did, I dropped my Calvin Klein khakis and socks and removed my
Country Road shirt as well as my Old Navy boxers, and put on the
dreaded blue scrubs.

Best
of luck, Randy, Slippen said, leaning in the door. You'll be fine.