In Memory (25 page)

Right now, we are all doing the dishes; Terra is washing, Noah is drying, and I am putting them away. Noah takes this task very seriously, intently wiping every dish dry before handing it to me. It occurred to me after a while that he had probably never done this before. As I took the next very dry mug from him, I smiled, holding his hand around the mug.

“You know, you don’t have to get every dish bone dry, right?”

He looked up, his face mixed in expressions of surprise and amusement, and then he smiled back.

T
ook the mug from him and climbed the
step ladder
to put it in the top cupboard. As I extended my arm to the cupboard, something shook in me, my heart skipped and dar
kness blotted out my vision. Thought I heard someone crying
.

He’s unlucky. How dare you make him smile?

A voice sounded all around me, echoing,
How
dare you? How dare you?

H
eard the sound of the mug shattering, and then I fell backwards, hitting my head on the table, and, consequentially, the floor. There was a sickening smack sound, white dots exploded into the darkness, clearing it away and revealing the ceiling.

“Aerian
?!”
Terra’s voice, panicked.

Someone touched me, damp fingers on m
y face. Noah. C
ould sense his emotions in that touch; panic, terror
, sadness…
guilt. Why is he guilty?

My vision is really blurry,
can see black, Noah’s hair, and
orange, that
would be Terra. After a moment, Terra’s hand was on my forehead, holding me still while she checked my unfocused eyes for a concussion.

Which I’m almost positive I have from how hard I hit my head on the table and floor.

“Just lay still, Aerian.” Terra has her ‘nurse’ voice on, weirdly calm, and bracing. “Hold him, Noah.”

She’s worried
,
it must be serious
. I wonder if I’m bleeding.

Feel sick, kind of nauseous. O
pened my mouth to say this, figuring she’d want to know, and instead
said
“How dare you?” in a weird slurred voice that sounded alien to my ears. Noah tensed around me, every line in his body taking on
a rigidity
.

Eventually, I managed to speak a little more coherently. “I feel sick, and I’m cold.” I mumbled, lolling my head in Noah’s loose grasp, “I’m sleepy.”

“Don’t go to sleep.” Terra said sharply, “Noah, hold his head. He has a bad concussion. Keep talking to him, okay?”

He bit his lip, holding me steady. “I’m sorry, Aerie. It’s my fault.”

This confused me even more.

“I’m unlucky, remember? That curse. I told you, people who make me happy get hurt. They… die.”

“M’ not dead.” I slurred, my words thick and slow. Something stirred in my stomach, forcing its way up my thr
oat. R
olled away from Noah as quickly as I could, the horrible nausea rising, and I threw up. I rolled back to my original position, groaning.

Noah tentatively held
me,
I could feel h
is terror through his hands. Want to sleep, f
eel terrible. But I know if I fall asleep, Noah will worry, and Terra will scold me later.

It’s irresistible though, to fall asleep, I wonder if this is like dying.

C
losed my eyes.

“Aerian!”

Fading.

“Aerian! Wake up this instant!”

O
pened my eyes slowly, wincing at the bright light and the throbbing pain in my head.

“Here, fan him. Keep him cool. I called for help. Don’t move him.”

Oddly enough, I began thinking a little more
clearly then. What happened? O
nly fell backwards.
Right onto my head I guess. C
an taste the vomit in my mouth and fidgeted, agitating the contents of
my stomach disconcertingly. S
wallowed, willing my body not to throw up again.

It was strange, usually I’m the one to witness this, not experience it. How many times has Noah shown up here with a concussion, I wonder.

Ugh, my head hurts.

The darkness tempts me again, luring me closer with promises of blissful ignorance.

S
hook it off, opening my eyes wider and focusing on Noah, who still
looked horrified and guilty. W
anted that look to go away so badly.

With a great deal of effort, I sat up, reaching for him, wanting to hold him and make that look go away.

L
eaned forward, my head resting on this shoulder as I took a few deep breaths.

“Aerie, I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.” He apologized to me like he apologises to his father. This made a sick discomfort writhe in my chest, like
my heart wanted to throw up. L
ifted my arms, only having enough strength to get my hands on his waist.

“Don’t… don’t say sorry.
Not to me.”
This concussion is terrible
,
I can hardly even speak
. “Never to me… it’s not your fault.”

He relaxed after I said this,
felt his hands trail up my back and then he hugged me.

It was a
nice hug. T
hink that was the best word for it.
Soft and gentle, full of meaning.
Thank you, thank you,
thank
you so much.

Think it’s wearing off. A
l
most feel more clear-headed. S
traightened, pulling away from him.

All at once, a pain shot through my head, shaking me deep into my core. My body trembled, and I probably would have fallen into the pile of sick if Noah hadn’t pulled me away from it.

Everything went dim, like I was encased in glass, warped vision and distorted noises. I’m going to sleep now. My body can’t hear my mind’s protests.

W
oke again in
a car, speeding down a road. C
ould feel Noah holding me
, his aura thick with worry. Closed
my eyes again, murmuring those three words,
How
dare you?

D
on’t know why I keep saying that.

The next time I woke up, the car had stopped, and Noah, Terra, and someone else were hurrying me onto a stretcher. A
stretcher,
seems kind of drastic, but oh well.

L
ooked around, my hand moving around to feel for someone. A
hand gripped
mine, followed by a voice.

“Aerian? Are you awake?” Ter
ra’s voice, “Go on! Get him a C
T scan right now!”

The next hour or so
passed in a confusing blur. W
oke up enough to answer the basic cognitive questions the doctors kept barraging me with.

“What’s your name?”

“Aerian. Aerian Guildenstern.”

“How old are you?”

“Eighteen.”

“Do you know where you are?”

“The hospital.”

“Who brought you here?”

“How dare you?” There I go again, what does that even mean?

“Aerian, who brought you here?”

“My sister… and my…” W
asn’t sure what to call Noah
;
my friend, my boyfriend, my
soulmate
? “My boyfriend.” I concluded, figuring it
was
the best word for him.

“Ok, we’re going to run a CT. Do you know what that means?”

“Computerised Topography or something.”

“Close enough.”

The doctor walked
away,
s
till don’t remember i
f they were a guy or a girl. S
uppose that’s immaterial.

After they left, a nurse, one of Terra’s co-workers, brought a change of clothes; a hospi
tal smock and flannel pants. S
tripped down mechanically, pulling on the new clothes with the same detached
methodity
.

The nurse took my arm and led me into the CT room.
I can still barely walk straight
,
my head is ringing
.

She directed me to lie on the bed, so I did, wincing as the back of my head hit the small pillow.

S
hivered, still feeling chilled. “Can I have a blanket?” I asked, moving my head around on the pillow. My ponytail is in a weird spot and making it difficult to lie down.

H
eard the door open and someone else walked in. A lovely warm sensation fell upon me, a blanket.

“Really, Aerian. I don’t know how you managed this one.” Oh, Terra’s in here now. She reached around my head, tugging on my hair elastic and freeing my hair from the uncomfortable position.

“Sorry, Terra.” I mumbled, settling onto the bed.

“How did you fall? Did you lose your balance?”

“No,
dunno
what happened. It was like I just passed out and fell over…”

“You said something before you fell…”

“How dare you?”

“Yeah, what’s that about?”

“I don’t know.” I answered honestly, “I heard a voice right before I fell.”

Terra was silent for a few beats before she pulled the blanket up to my chin.

“Tell me about it afterwards, okay?” She bent down, and kissed my forehead, stroking my hair.

N
odded, letting my eyes slide shut.

Terra shook my shoulder, making me open my eyes in surprise.

“Don’t fall asleep.” She ordered.

N
odded again, and she leaned closer to me. “Noah is outside. He’s worried sick, do you want me to tell him anything?”

“Tell him… it’s not his fault.”

“What?”

Once again, I could not obey Terra’s orders and fell asleep.

------

“Aerie? I have to go home. Please get better. I’m sorry.”

Noah’s voice, his hand on my arm.

“Come on, hurry up.”
A familiar male voice.
“We’re going now.”

F
elt fear spike up my arm, a terror for what was to come.
It dissipated when his touch le
ft my arm
,
Noah was leaving
. S
trained to speak, to reassure him. A realization dawned upon me all at once, the voice. It was his father.

“No…” I murmured, and I felt his hand on my arm again.

“Aerie?” he asked, “Are you awake?”
Hopeful, almost happy.

“Stay…” I managed after a moment, cursing at how disoriented I was still.

“Aerie…” he began, cut off when his father grabbed his arm.

Pure fear shot up my arm, jolting into my
heart, shaking my whole body. G
asped in unison with him, my heartbeat accelerating. His touch left me again, dullin
g the reception of the fear. T
hink I’m so attuned to him now that we don’t even need to be touching for me to sense his feelings anymore.

O
pened my eyes and watched him leave, seeing only the blur of his white shirt and raven hair, and the dark mass of his father pulling him along.

“Goodbye, Aerie.” He said quietly, before the door closed.

My mind protested this vehemently, but my body wouldn’t move to stop him from leaving. After a few minutes, the door opened and I looked up hopefully, slightly crestfallen when Terra walked in.

It would have been nicer if she was smiling, I think, but she was frowning.

“His father… he took him.” She said dejectedly, sitting down in the chair beside my bed.

B
linked, nodding, aggravating the headache pounding in my head.

She sunk further down in the chair, running her fingers through her hair in exasperation. “So tell me, what happened?”

L
icked my lips, and cleared my throat. “I took that mug, climbed the ladder… he smiled at me, and…” I furrowed my brow, “…and then I was in some kind of dream. I heard crying, and someone asked me, how dare you make him smile?”

Terra looked dangerously serious, almost glowering at me.

“What?”

“Noah… he’s cursed. Born unlucky and bringing misfortune to everyone around him.”

“What? You’ve heard about this sort of thing before?”

“People around the ‘cursed’ ones die. It’s happened more than once. If he is one of the cursed children, he must have made a deal with someone, or you would already be dead.” She paused, waiting for a response I did not give, “If he gave something up to remove the effects of the curse… it would have to be huge. I wonder what they took.”

“…Happiness.” I said eventually. “He always talks about how all he wants is to be happy.”

She frowned, “Yes. Probably. He reversed it. He takes on the burden of people’s pain to spare them from his curse. That explains why he won’t die. If he dies, he can’t bear the burden of other’s pain, and so the curse keeps him alive.”

“So
why…?
Why is he cursed in the first place?”

“A cursed child is born when neither parent truly loves them.”

F
elt tears well up in my eyes, and closed them to restrain them. This blockade was broken when a low cry spilled from my lips.

“So…” I choked out, “
Nobody
has ever loved him?” More tears grew and fell from my eyes.

Terra got up, looking as sad as I felt. “No, I don’t think so. No one but you, Aerian.”

B
rought my hand to my face, sobbing into it. “It’s not fair, it’s not fair.”

She grabbed my other hand, holding it between hers. “I know, but that’s why this happened.” She kissed my hand. “You make him happy, you love him, and at that moment, you broke his pact and the curse attacked you, the person he cares for more than anything. I’m sorry, Aerian.” The empathy she was emanating coursed through me, forcing more tears from my eyes. “I’m so sorry, I wish it was different.”

She leaned down, hugging me tightly, “I wish it was different.”

82 Days, 7 December, Sunday

W
ish with all my heart that I had the strength to stop Noah from leaving.

If I had been able to grab him, hold on to him, keep him away from the dark shape of his father, he wouldn’t have…

H
ate remembering t
he phone call I got earlier. C
ame home last night, and was strongly advised
to stay home and rest. W
as lying on the couch, in a sort of half-sleep, when the phone rang, sending a javelin of pain directly into my temple.

R
eached for it instantly, to stop the hellish sound, massaging my temples as I croaked out a ‘hello’.

“Aerian?” It was Terra.

“Hi… how are you?”

“I’m fine!” she sounded rushed, “Listen, have you heard from Noah since yesterday?”

“No… I just came home and laid around today, why?”

“He’s here.”

I straightened, “Why?”

“He’s-” There was a muffled
conversation,
I could tell Terra was covering the mouthpiece of the phone. “He’s in critical condition in the ICU, his father brought him in. Apparently, there was a break-in at their estate, and the intruders beat him nearly to death, and threw him down the stairs when he resisted them. ”

I was silent, a horrible sick feeling burning in my stomach, reminiscent of yesterday.

“We’ve all been told to not tell anyone he’s here. His father is claiming it’s to protect Noah from the intruders.”

“No. It was his father. That’s just a story.” I sat up, shaking off the headache. “I’m coming in.”

“No,
A
stóirín
, you’re supposed to rest. I’ll take care of him-”

“Terra, I have to see him. I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

She sighed, before replying. “Okay, but be careful. I’ll meet you outside the west door.”

W
as at the hospital in ten minutes, my worry quickening my pace. As soon as I got to the West Door, Terra opened it and ushered me through. She had bright pink patches on her cheeks, “Come on, he’s in unit six.”

She led me there hastily, narrowly avoiding other nurses and doctors.

As soon as we got close to unit six I felt it.
The horrible agony rushing from him in waves.
The sensation was so strong I felt like screaming. There was a viewing window for unit six; Terra held my arm as I approached it, steadying me for the inevitable shock.

It struck me full-force, even with her holding me up.

C
ouldn’t help but start to cry again, looking at him like that.

His thin frail body, being strapped into the bed by countless machines, bandages, and braces holding him together.

My hand drifted up to the glass, like I wanted to reach through it and pull him out of there.

Terra kept a firm hold on my arm, intensely worried I was going to fall over.

The most noticeable thing in that room
were
the bruises; everything is white except for them. Vivid purples and reds, standing out starkly in the crisp white of the surrounding room.

The doctors that were flitting about here and there had stripped him down to the waist, revealing his emaciated torso tattooed with repeating patterns of abuse.

Someone was suturing up a dark wound on his left cheekbone, obviously trying to be careful, from the slow deliberate way they stitched.

S
wayed, leaning more heavily on Terra.
A thick, suffocating emotion fell over me, pure unadulterated pain seeping from his body in waves.

“Aerian? Are you okay? Can you stand?”

“Can’t you feel it? It’s so strong.” I shook my head, “He… wants it to end. It’s all over him, inside him. That feeling. He wants to die.” My knees buckled, I heard Terra call for help.

We want to die.

W
oke up again on a hospital cot. Whoever out me here was at least kind enough to untie my hair elastic.

W
as in a really small room. The only things in it were a few f
iling cabinets, and the cot. C
ould hear voices from outside the closed door, and saw a thin strip of light filtering in from underneath the door.

Slowly, I slid to the side of the cot, swinging my legs over the edge and testing my balance. My body didn’t protest, save for a headache throbbing warningly in the back of my head.

When I opened the door, the light
blinded me for a few seconds;
blinked, rubbing my eyes.

As I opened them, Terra pulled me into a hug.

“Aerian! Don’t scare me like that!”

R
eturned the embrace, tentatively touching the back of her neck to get an accurate read on her emotions.

Fear, sadness, exhaustion.

“I’m sorry, Terra.”

“You guys, both of you! Always making me worry.” She leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder.

“I’m so sorry, Terra.” I said again, my heart aching. I want to tell her so badly. Tell her what
May
confirmed
to me.

You are going to die. Six months after your eighteenth birthday.
27
th
February.

If I tell her, she’ll cry. She’ll cry and spend the next three months counting down the days like me.

C
an’t do that to her. So I’ll just write it down, tell it to you, because I can’t tell anyone else.

81 Days, 8 December, Monday

Sitting here in my living room, staring at the paper chains we made together while I know he’s in surgery right now is one of the most awful feelings I’ve ever experienced.

When I think of the pain that he must be feeling…

Terra told me to avoid the hospital until he’s stable because of what happened last time.

“If he’s that close to dying, you’re going to feel it because of your connection. It’s too dangerous, you have to go home.”

R
eluctantly obeyed, getting
a ride back
from Sean.

T
hought about going to school, but I don’t think that I will until he’s okay enough to talk to. There’s no way I’ll be able to do anything knowing he’s alone in that hospital.

It hurts to be this far away from him. I know there’s nothing I can do for him anyway, but still.

D
on’t like the idea of someone else being the one to help him. Maybe that’s selfish and stupid, but I want to be the one to save him.

80 Days, 9 December, Tuesday

Last night, Terra came home earlier than usual, looking more distraught than I had seen her in a while.

“He’s in rough shape now, love, but he’s stable. Three surgeries today, and
he’s
in the recovery room until tomorrow. He still hasn’t come round yet.” She sunk into her armchair, cradling her head in her hands. “He’s… he’s unresponsive.”

S
at down across from her, an accelerated heart
beat ramping up in my chest. S
wallowed the lump that formed in my throat, “You
mean…?”

“He won’t respond to any of the stimuli. None of it! The others say he might not wake up!” A choked sob broke from her lips, and she sat up, beckoning for me to come to her.

S
tepped over to her, suddenly aware that I was trembling uncontrollably. My legs gave out underneath me, and I knelt
beside
her, hugging her tightly.

“Is- is he
gonna
die?” I asked, shaking in her grasp. My vision blurred, and I leaned more into the hug.

“I don’t know, love. He’s not out of danger yet.”

“No…”

That’s all I remember from that. Then Terra was shaking me awake, calling my name. Evidently, I had fallen unconscious again.

G
uess that’s pretty common after getting severe concussions.

She directed me to lie on the couch, and not to move unless I absolutely had to.

“Aerian, honey… can I ask you a question?”

N
odded, with my eyes closed.

“You just said you have 80 days. What does that mean?”

My next breath stuck in my throat. Did I tell her when I was knocked out? What other things might I have said?

“Just… that’s how many days until Noah’s birthday.”

“Oh… it sounded like you said-
Well
. You can go to sleep now, just promise me you’ll wake up.”

“Absolutely.”

W
ish I could say the same thing in 80 days.

79 Days, 10 December, Wednesday

W
oke up today feeling very lonely. Maybe I got used to having Noah around, and now that he’s away…

…
it
hurts.

He was finally stabilised and moved to a normal room. Terra called me as soon as he was settled, and confirmed that he was allowed guests.

So of course I hurried over there as fast as I could.

For posterity’s sake, I’ll record exactly how he looked.

He was paler than I had ever seen him, all
colour
seemed to be drained from him, matching the stark white that surrounded him.
He was mostly covered by several soft blankets
, although his arms lay on top of them, 

There were two
IV’s
stuck into his left arm, one
colo
u
red
brilliant ruby red, flowing into his veins in some feeble attempt to restore some
colour
to him. The other was clear, and seemed to be some kind of pain medication. I’m not sure if it was morphine or what. His right forearm was bound in a thick cast, with his fingers stretching out from it, long and thin.

Bandages and dressings covered almost every part of him, save for the right half of his face. The left side of his face was completely obscured by thick pads and bandages, taped into place.

Cords that attached all over him tangled their way to various monitoring machines, his whole body humming with mechanical life.