In Memory (16 page)

Noah was really jumpy and strange today.

I mean, more strange than usual. He seemed to think someone was behind us the entire time we were eating lunch. I wonder if he was scared he was going to get jumped by that jerk from English.

All our conversations were choppy and disjointed because he kept looking behind him.

He left before I could ask him over tomorrow. Darn it. I hope he will anyway. It’s Halloween tomorrow! I plan to hand out chocolate candy, because in this cold weather, chocolate seemed to make more sense.

D
unno
, maybe because I’m under the impression that chocolate is supposed to warm you up.

Brilliant, sounds plausible.

119 Days, 31 October, Friday

Halloween

So you know how the cliché thing about Halloween is that you’re supposed to be scared?

D
on’t think I’ve ever had a Halloween where I was happier than this one. There I go, defying the cliché. Ha!

It had started raining at about a quarter to ten, so most of the kids had stopped showing up. There were one or two stubborn ones, trekking through the rain for the satisfaction of a few more candies.

(T
ook pity on them and gave the last two the rest of my candy bowl for sticking it out so long.)

L
ooked out at the rain, observing that it just kept raining harder. It then occurred to me that this was likely the last time it might rain before I died.

D
ebated for a few seconds on whether or not shoes were a good idea for dancing in the rain. (My list, remember.)

D
ecided they’d only be annoying to dry later, so I left, shoving the keys in my pocket.

The rain was cold, and really forceful, but I smiled in spite of it, and walked down the front walk. It was my intention to find the best place possible to go dancing in the rain.

Then it occurred to me, the park! Brilliant! It was only a block or two away, and I wanted to get properly soaking wet with this final rain.

W
as about halfway there when I noticed someone else walking around. Maybe someone had the exact same idea as me, and was enjoying the beautiful last rain of the year.

I waved at them, and then realised who it was.

Of course,
fate loves to tease me with weird coincidences
,
it was Noah
.

He was walking just as I was, no coat or shoes. When he reached my side, he smiled pleasantly.

“I was just coming to visit you. How are you this evening?”

C
ould see every drop of water running down his face, highlighted by the sharp light of the streetlight we stood under.

“I’m really good, thanks! I’m just finishing an item on my list!”

“What manner of list is this?” he brushed a rain-soaked strand of hair behind his ear.

“Kind of a life-goal list!” C
ouldn’t possibly tell him the reason for it, maybe by telling him, it would make it
more true
or something.

“That is remarkable! What is the list item? Am I able to help you in any way?”

“I’ll let you know once we get to the park!” I pointed to the direction of the park, where the top of a slide could be seen over the hedge.

He followed me happily, grinning into the downpour that roared around us.

Once we entered the park, I turned to him. “Number five.” I held up five fingers, “Dance in the rain.”

He grinned again, which I quickly reciprocated.

T
ook his hand and began to move to the spastic beat of the rain. “C’mon, help me out! It’s hard to dance by yourself!”

He tried, I could tell, but he doesn’t seem to have much control over the rhythm of his own body. It didn’t matter to me at
all,
just being out here in the freezing stuff was fun enough. He laughed, and my heart soared.

I pulled him closer to me
,
we were so close
…

He looked up at me, and laughed again, the sound filling me with uncontainable happiness. Tentatively, I touched his face, brushing away some of the water.
A weird gesture, as the water was soon replaced by the enthusiastic raindrops
. 

They collected on his eyelashes like glistening dew, and bounced off his lips.

Oh, his lips. They look so… tempting.

I licked my own, moving my hand to his waist to pull him closer.

He opened his mouth slightly, as if he were going to speak.

C
ouldn’t help myself, I leaned in and kissed him.

Now objectively speaking, I don’t think that first kiss was terribly remarkable.

The second one was better, and the third was an improvement over the second.

I think the fourth was my favourite. It was the fourth one that really did the trick.
The true love magic decided to kick in or something.

The fourth kiss also lasted longer than the previous three, and there was generally more touching.

D
idn’t think kissing would be such an experience. Up
til
this point, I’ve only viewed it as some sort of obligation to the person you love, but now I see its actual function.

It really is quite enjoyable.

Heh.

We went home, (back to my place) and took showers to warm up. (Not together, mind.)

M
ade some hot chocolate too, and we were just settling down comfortably in the living room when Terra stumbled in, soaking wet and laughing.

According to her, it was one of her best nights all year.

I somehow doubt it was any better than mine.

After Terra decided to turn in after regaling us with the story of her evening, he yawned widely.

L
ed him to the spare room, which I’ve decided to clean up and use as his room whenever he’s here.

After he was tucked in, with pink spots on his cheeks from the warmth, I bent low and gave him another soft kiss.

We broke off and shared a mutual smile.

Okay, so the fourth kiss was magical, but I still preferred this one.

The fifth kiss was love.

October

/end/

118 Days, 1 November, Saturday

Okay, so now I just feel really guilty. Last night was amazing, wonderful,
beautiful
. But now…

If I’m going to die on the 27
th
of February, I don’t want to lead him on, and make him care about me. It will only hurt him more when I do die…

But what if she was wrong, and I’m not going to die? Then I would absolutely keep going with him.

But if
we’re discovered by someone
like his father, or our classmates, we could be horribly persecuted against.

This is so unfair. Why can’t we just be in love like other people?

Oh, because we’re just not like other people.

I’ve got a predetermined deathday, and he’s cursed with terrible unluckiness.

Star
cross’d
lovers indeed.

117 Days, 2 November, Sunday

B
roke my lamp today. So now it’s really dark in my room in the one corner. It was sort of amusing how it broke I guess, like one of those drawings where there’s a whole chain reaction of things to open a birdcage or something.

T
angled my foot in the blankets on my bed when I got up, fell down, and kicked my mattress while doing so, which knocked into the
night stand
and the lamp fell off.

So both the lamp and I were lying on the floor on opposite sides of the bed when Terra came in to see what all the noise was.

Upon figuring out exactly what had happened, she smiled and shook her head, and left without a word.

She must be used to me by now.
Haha
.

Tomorrow will be the first time I’ll see Noah since the park.

He decided to return home after our ‘dance’ in the park, and seemed incredibly happy to me.

I love seeing him smile.

But I’m all happy and excited, with that nasty little thought in my mind warn
ing me away from him. D
on’t want him to love me if that means that I’m going to die and leave him alone.

What do I do?

116 Days, 3 November, Monday

It seems the same sort of thought occurred to him, as he seemed more troubled today than I had seen him in a while.

When I sat down in front of him in Math, he seemed to perk up.

“Hello, how are you today?” he asked, not sounding convincingly happy.

“I’m ok… are you alright?”

His reply took longer than usual, “I… am.”

At that point, the teacher came in and th
rew his textbook on his desk. G
roaned, and he glowered at me.

W
e have a sort of unspoken mutual dislike for one another. He doesn’t like teaching me, and I don’t like learning from him.

Although, today was just a work period, about the confusing crap we learned last week.

Surprisingly, one of the girls from last week approached Noah to
get help with the problems. W
as actually really happy with that. Maybe if he can make a bunch of friends, it’ll be less painful when I die…

Listening to him
explain
the question to the girl made t
he questions make sense;
he could probably be a teacher if he wanted to.

In English today, I ended up falling asleep. This has never happened before.

H
ad a really odd dream too. It was wintertime, there was snow everywhere, and I was walking
past the school. S
aw someone in the distance, and then they fell. Snow fell harder as I ran to them.

By the time I reached them, they were completely covered,
so I worked to dig them out. S
aw black hair, and immediately, my heart skipped, knowing exactly who it was. He frequents my dreams enough.

Somehow, there was a role-reversal, and I was trying to claw my way out of a snowd
rift. Noah was tugging on me,
could see his terrified eyes past the blowing snow.

W
as having some trouble breathing, so I struggled less actively, falling back into the snow.

He called out to me then, so I answered.

Everything went red.

W
oke to Noah tugging on the sleeve of my shirt from behind me, and the rest of the class talking amongst
themselves
.

T
urned around, with the dream still fogging up my mind. “
Mmgh
, what?”

“It is not wise to sleep during class. You might miss something important, or get in trouble.” He looked at my face, “Also, you may wake up with saliva running down your chin.”

Hastily, I wiped my chin, and shook my head to clear the snow from my thoughts.

He didn’t make another comment about my sleeping in class, and we commenced our study questions.

For the rest of the evening, I still felt like my min
d was cloaked in frost. C
an’t concentrate. Things keep sliding out of my mind, like ideas on ice.

105 Days, 14 November, Friday

OH MY FREAKIN GODDESS. I am so happy to be writing in this book again.

H
ad to move all the stuff out of my locker last Tuesday, as apparently they’re renovating in the old wing of the school. In the move, my journal here became completely lost.

F
ound it in the lost and found box in the office here. I ju
st pray that no one read it. C
an imagine someone might, it could be kind of interesting. But… what
if…?

Fingers crossed that no one read this.
Eesh
.

That would just create all sorts of terrible problems for us. Yes, us. Noah and I have gained a
new shared
pronoun. In my journal’s absence about three important things have happened.