In Denial (14 page)

But leave he must.

Perhaps she had saved his life but then again maybe he would not have gone through with taking his own life after all. He just didn’t seem to be the sort of person who would do such a thing.

What sort of person does it take to want to kill themselves? Is the capability in all of us?

‘
What are you going to do?’ Gabrielle’s hands were still in his. It was the first time anybody other than her parents and the Bishop had held her hands like that. Since becoming a minister she’d had no time for any relationships. All right, a couple of the local available bachelors had flirted with her, not to mention Bill Mackintosh who was married with three kids, but then again he flirted with every woman in sight. When she’d decided to join the church her boyfriend at the time, Kevin Blackburn, told her it was like becoming a nun. She told him not to be so stupid and that she’d be able to act perfectly normally although perhaps not so openly, holding hands in public and the like. She hadn’t seen Kevin Blackburn for dust and she was so pleased she had not given in to him.

Nobody else knew - although she bet they wondered - whether she was still a virgin. She was twenty-six years old and untouched, unsullied and virtuous. She didn’t regard herself as strange; a relationship would have added an unnecessary complication to her life. She did feel a little guilty standing in the pulpit and preaching to her congregation about promiscuity and adultery, but it was expected of her, so she did it.

On the other hand, she was under no illusion as to how attractive she was. She often caught the eye of some of the male parishioners and wondered what was going through their minds. Some of them made it very obvious with their lascivious leering, even with their wives sitting next to them. The Bishop had asked her how she was going to cope with being a young, attractive female if he let her loose in the Loch Lomond parish. She didn’t know at the time whether her placement hung on the answer to that question. His attitude was easy to understand: his newly ordained ministers either cut the mustard and went to the front line straight away, or they went onto his staff to gain experience and maturity. Gabrielle assumed she lacked the former but appeared to have the latter.

‘
Are you asking me whether I can cope with men’s minds, Your Grace, or are you asking me whether I can defend myself against physical attack?’

Bishop Archibald Stephenson stifled a smile. ‘There’s nothing you or I can do about men’s minds, young lady, other than encourage purer thoughts.’

‘
I agree, Your Grace. As to the possibility of physical attack or just unwanted advances, I will cope with whatever the situation presents.’

This time the Bishop did smile openly. ‘You are not in a relationship at the moment, are you?’

‘
No, Your Grace.’ It was one of the questions she had to answer when her immediate future was being discussed.

‘
And if you do meet somebody?’

‘
Then I would feel more able to preach the gospel.’

‘
Ha!’ The Bishop clapped his hands.

*  *  *

And now she believed that just perhaps that somebody had come along.

He’d appeared under the most unlikely of circumstances but now he was on the point of leaving.

What could she do to stop him - delay him? - just so that she could have a few more hours with him?

She had introduced herself into his life and from the moment she saw him standing and looking towards the loch, preparing to end it all, she knew she was smitten, but had no idea why. When she was thirteen she remembered her mother telling her that when the right man came along she would know instantly. She thought her mother was talking a load of baloney; surely relationships needed time to develop, and sometimes couples who eventually got together took an instant dislike to their eventual partners. Her mother said this was a defence mechanism and that deep down the true feeling was there.

But her mother had been right.

Instantantly.

She’d never felt it before, so didn’t know how to react.

‘
I’ll go back to Ashbourne,’ Adam said, ‘and take things from there.’

She had a feeling Adam was actually more certain about what he was going to do than he was telling her. ‘Will you go back to work, in the City?’
Please carry on holding my hands forever,
she screamed at him inside her head
.

‘
No, that’s a decision I’ve made. If I’m to make use of the second chance you’ve given me then it means a complete change.’

Adam could see in Gabrielle’s eyes that she was on the point of bursting into tears.

It was crazy and unbelievable.

He’d come to Loch Lomond to end his life and now only twelve hours after they first met he and Gabrielle were saying goodbye as though they were the closest of friends. Of course there was something rather special about the relationship, very special. She had saved his life and it’s not every day that two human beings become so close so quickly.

But that must be it: if he stayed another twenty-four hours he would become involved, and becoming involved was not part of the plan.

Becoming involved would delay what he needed to do.

He let go of her hands. For both their sakes he had to put distance between them.

‘
I must go now,’ he said.

*  *  *

‘
Will you be having breakfast before you leave?’ Doris asked, this time clearing the way for Adam to ascend the stairs.

‘
Yes, if that’s all right.’

‘
Of course, Mr Harrison, it’s what you’ve paid for.’

‘
If you have any of that haddock left, then -’

‘
If I had’ne I would go and catch it meself!’

‘
Thank you.’ Adam started to climb the stairs.

‘
Oh, and Mr Harrison ...’ He stopped and turned to look at her. ‘You’re doing the right thing -’

‘
You’ve got your vicar to thank for that.’

‘
No, I mean you’re doing the right thing by her.’

‘
What, in walking away?’

‘
Yes, Mr Harrison, by walking away.’

‘
I hope you’re right, Doris. I do hope you are right.’

Adam had not expected to be in the house again.

He glanced at the envelope he had left on the kitchen table. He was pleased he’d made the conscious decision not to send it to anyone. When he left Ashbourne for the final time he had no idea when he would do what had to be done, but the last thing he wanted was a nationwide search.

As he’d closed the front door he had not made any allowance for the Dorises and Gabrielles of this world.

And as he’d written the letter only a few days earlier he had not been sure who it was for. There was nobody left who really cared what happened to him. There were those who would say what a jolly good chap he was and he would be missed. They would then turn away and start talking about the weather or the next test match wondering if England would continue to be an embarrassment. And there were those who would perhaps benefit from his death: Jeeves, Prendaghast and Oliver (Accountants) of Pall Mall was a big firm and his loss would mean confirmed promotion for somebody with the obvious knock-on effect below that.

And then there was Mrs Gladys Moules.

Poor Gladys would be the one person who would really be disadvantaged by Gabrielle’s saintly behaviour. But perhaps not; perhaps she could still enjoy a small windfall. He would see.

Adam took out the sheet of paper from the envelope and read it:

14th October 2004

To Whom It May Concern

Dear Sir or Madam,

How long it will be between me taking my life and you finding this note is of little consequence. I have not gone into the detail of the whys and wherefores of my actions but the Coroner has my permission to declare a verdict that I took my own life while my mind was disturbed. There was definitely nobody else involved.

Upstairs in the main bedroom, behind the large picture of the water lilies, is a safe. The combination is: start on Zero, clockwise four turns to nine, three turns anti-clockwise to four, two turns clockwise to six and then a single turn anti-clockwise to zero again. Inside the safe is my will and my mind was definitely not disturbed when I wrote it. Jacobs and Wrights (Solicitors) in Ashbourne will act on my behalf. The will in the safe upstairs supersedes the one currently held by them.

Yours faithfully

Adam R Harrison

Adam tore the note into small pieces and dropped the bits into the rubbish bin. He decided to leave the will in the safe for the time being - without any amendments.

He knew what had to come next - his final resignation from Jeeves, Prendaghast and Oliver (Accountants) - then visits to his solicitor, Jeremy Jacobs, the police and his mother and father, and finally Hong Kong.

But first the house.

Other than getting rid of the living room carpet and the bed linen, the house had not been touched since the loss of Lucinda and the children. If Gabrielle Brooks’ hard work was to achieve anything, he had to move on and not live in a mausoleum.

He started upstairs in what had been Charlotte’s bedroom.

*  *  *

‘
Your coffee’s as good as usual, Jeremy,’ Adam said. ‘And thanks for seeing me without an appointment.’

‘
Whenever have you needed an appointment?’ Jeremy Jacobs asked. He was resplendent in his Georgio Armani charcoal grey suit whereas Adam was dressed in cream slacks, a light blue long-sleeved shirt and dark blue sweater. The two men had known each other for just over fourteen years which was when Adam and Lucinda had moved to Ashbourne. Lucinda was pregnant with Timothy within a year and then thirteen months later she fell pregnant again with Charlotte, so Jeremy knew the children too.

As well as being the family solicitor, Jeremy and his ex-wife, Annabelle were close friends to Adam and Lucinda, having met and got on at various dinner parties they’d attended together. In many ways, Adam and Jeremy were opposites. Whereas Adam was a very private person, Jeremy was gregarious and had a reputation for being a bit of a womaniser.

‘
It’s still good of you to see me, Jeremy. I know how busy you are.’

Jeremy took a sip of coffee before steepling his fingers in front of him. ‘And how are you, Adam? Really, how are you? I haven’t seen you for a while.’

‘
Functioning,’ Adam replied with a wry smile. He’d already decided he was not going to mention his trip to Loch Lomond and what happened there. There was no need for Jeremy to know: he had gone, he had met Gabrielle Brooks and she had made him see reason. ‘I’m going away for a while,’ Adam told him.

‘
Away? Where to?’

‘
Hong Kong.’

Jeremy tapped his index fingers together. ‘Do you know, I thought you might?’

Adam looked surprised. ‘Really? I didn’t know myself until a couple of days ago.’

‘
So why are you going?’

‘
I still don’t know that. I hope to find out when I get there.’ Adam spread his hands. ‘I came in to tell you that, and also I’ve put the house on the market.’

It was Jeremy’s turn to look surprised. ‘Oh right. Things are that definite, are they?’

‘
If I’m going to come out of this, I have to move on. Lucinda and the children were that house. I would never move on if I stayed there.’

‘
So you might be moving away from Ashbourne as well?’

Adam nodded. ‘Again I don’t know yet. My resignation is in, so when I get back from Hong Kong I’ll see how the land lies’

Stealing a look at his watch Jeremy leant forward. ‘Are you sure you’re all right?’

Adam ignored Jeremy’s question. ‘Look,’ he said standing up, ‘you’ve got an appointment to attend to. I’ll get out of your hair.’

Coming from behind his desk Jeremy asked: ‘When are you flying?’

Adam shrugged. ‘Not sure yet but it’ll be within the week. I’ll let you know when I’ve booked the flight.’ He held out his hand.

Jeremy shook Adam’s hand but then put his arm round his shoulder and embraced him. ‘Look after yourself, Adam. Nobody but you really knows what you’ve been through and what you’re still going through.’

Feeling a little uncomfortable with Jeremy’s affection, Adam took a step backwards. ‘Thank you, Jeremy. I’ll be all right. As I said, I’ll give you a ring when I know when my flight is.’