Impulse Control (20 page)

A flash of memory hit her, and she was sitting in a tent, asking Russ to let her touch him. She’d been desperate to be close to him, and her need had been so great the words had tumbled out. If he’d refused, she would have been devastated. But he’d said yes, and it had been amazing. She’d never felt that close to Ethan. No—she’d never let him get that close. Relationships were a two-way street—a give
and
take. “I never told you what I needed, did I?”

He shook his head. “Will you tell someone…someday?”

The someone she’d hoped to tell had just left and wasn’t coming back, but she summoned a smile and nodded. “Meanwhile…I have a lot to think about. I’m not shutting you out, but it’s been a weird weekend. I’ll call my lawyer tomorrow, and we can figure out how to make this work, but I feel like my head is going to explode if I talk anymore.”

He stood. “Thanks, Susannah.”

She followed him to the door, and he gave her a brief hug that was equal parts awkward and surreal, and then left. She stood in the hall for a long moment after she locked the door.

With heavy legs, she climbed the stairs. After checking on Billy, she walked into her bedroom, stripped off her dress, and ripped open her drawer, looking for fleece. A sob rose, twisting her chest in a painful spasm. She yanked on a pullover and a pair of pajama pants and then fell into bed, burrowing under the covers. It had been so much easier to blame Ethan for everything, but she held equal responsibility for the death of their marriage. She’d shut him out. Even worse, she’d shut herself down. Her marriage was over and, for the first time, she mourned its loss. Her grief had been submerged in anger and exhaustion and—if she were honest—ambition.

As she buried her head under a pillow, she acknowledged she was also crying for Russ.

People can change, but you can’t change them.

Russ was gone, and he wasn’t coming back despite her best effort to be a Wild Woman on the mountain, a five-star chef on the campfire, and an adventurer in the bedroom. He was fighting his own demons, just as she had been fighting hers. Her chest tightened and a fizzing sensation bubbled across her nerves.

She sat up in bed as the words from his blog post flew through her mind.

Susie? Where are you? Come out, come out, wherever you are…

She’d read it so many times she had it memorized.

You don’t fool me one bit. You aren’t any more domestic than I am. I bet you’re already dreaming of the next mountain to climb.

He was right—she was. She’d enjoyed climbing Mount Marion, and she wanted to climb other mountains—with him. She also enjoyed making a home, but not as much as she’d relished the fact that doing so had given her a career. Love of homemaking hadn’t killed her marriage; her need for a challenge had driven the wedge between them. But unlike Ethan, Russ had been thrilled with her ambition and wildness. He’d embraced it, encouraged it, used it to show her she could climb even higher.

You may have the rest of the world fooled, but I know the real you. An adventurer. A survivor. A Wild Woman. Think about it.

She couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Her marriage to Ethan was over, and Russ had left—but she
had
changed. She wasn’t the same woman who’d buried herself in fleece and hidden at home—not anymore. Well, not after tonight.

She wasn’t giving up—oh, hell no. She was going to transcend, transform, and triumph. And so was Russ, when she caught up with him. He wanted her; he was just being stubborn.

She grabbed her phone and found the picture of Russ and Billy sitting on the kitchen floor this morning. She studied Russ’s playful smile and relaxed body language, and decided she wasn’t wrong. A picture really was worth a thousand words. Russ was just as happy in her home as he was on a mountaintop, she was sure of it. She just had to convince him. Good thing he’d awakened her to the fact she loved a challenge.

Russ Donovan was about to discover just how wild she could be.

Chapter Sixteen

His parents walked the last candidate out of the room, and Russ slumped into his chair.

His flight to Qatar boarded in six hours. He’d land in Kathmandu tomorrow night and head for Lukla the next day, weather permitting. Then he could gear up and begin the climb to Everest Base Camp. Of course he had no gear yet. Not a goddamn thing to carry him up the mountain except the desire to climb.
Liar.
He sank deeper into the chair. He didn’t want to go anywhere.

He hadn’t wanted to climb last month, either. He hadn’t wanted to fight the river. He didn’t want to swim, hike, or jump. Hell, he didn’t even want to walk. Truth be told, he didn’t want to get out of this fucking chair.

He dragged his cell phone out of his pocket and stared at it. He needed to make a few calls so everything he required would be waiting at base camp, but what he wanted to do was look at pictures of Susannah.
Again.
Where was she now? What was she doing? Was she cozied up with her ex-husband, orchestrating the cyber-split of Susie Homemaker and the Wild Man?

He jammed the phone back in his pocket, too exhausted to deal with finding equipment. It would have made sense to stop at his apartment in the city and pack the things he’d need, but he hadn’t wanted to take the time. He’d gone straight from Susannah’s house to the airport and caught an earlier flight to Washington, needing to get moving and keep moving.
Bullshit. You were afraid you wouldn’t leave at all.

Bam—there it was, slamming down in his consciousness like a grenade. Guilt flowed through him, a heavy black torpor that made it nearly impossible to inflate his lungs. He closed his eyes, electing voluntary darkness before the black spots dancing at the edges of his vision chose for him.

“Russ?” His father’s voice shocked him back to alertness. “What did you think?”

“That’s the one.” The woman had impeccable credentials and connections. From all reports, she could make money fall like rain.

“We think so, too.” His mother put her hand on his shoulder and squeezed, smiling down at him. “I bet Lance would agree.”

Russ’s stomach churned at the casual mention of his little brother. The words bubbled up as if they needed to escape, the guilt so strong he could almost taste it. “I’m sorry we have to do this. I should have tried harder. I wish I could go back and tie Lance to his hospital bed, sit on him if I had to. Or at least keep him home. I stole time that belonged to all of us, and I’m so sorry, Mom. If I hadn’t taken him out of treatment—”

His father rounded the table and closed the distance between them, gripping his other shoulder. “It’s not your fault, son. You gave him the trip of a lifetime, and you brought him home in plenty of time to say good-bye.”

His mother nodded. “The doctors said it was a long shot, and he looked so happy in the pictures you sent. It was devastating to lose him, but we never blamed you. I’m sorry if you thought we did. You were always so independent, joining the army and then applying for the Special Forces. The harder we tried to keep you close to home, the farther you flew. You took Lance’s death so hard we’ve been afraid to reach out to you at all. What if you left for good? I couldn’t bear to lose another child.”

Russ flinched out of their grip. “Lance told me to keep living for him. He asked me not to stop.”

“He loved your spirit of adventure.” Alicia appeared in the doorway with Jessie behind her. “Lance didn’t want you to feel like you had to pick up the family political torch just because he was forced to lay it down.”

“That’s my job, anyway,” his sister broke in. “I got accepted to Harvard Law. I do believe this family needs another senator.”

His father’s gaze warmed as he looked at Jessie. “Only if that’s what you want.”

“Congratulations, Jess.” Russ stood. He was glad his parents would get their politician, after all. “Want to celebrate by driving your big brother to the airport? Mount Everest awaits.”

“No.” Her voice was glacial. “If you’re going to be an asshat, you’re going to have to do it alone. I won’t help you.”

“Jessica,” their mother exclaimed.

“Sorry, Mom, but he’s going too far this time. I get the whole adventurer thing—sort of—but people die on Everest. You can’t breathe up there. There isn’t enough oxygen, and it’s freezing. No one goes to get the bodies. They just stay there, like landmarks. It’s idiotic, and I will not enable him. He’s not even doing it because he wants to. You heard him. He’s doing it for Lance.” Tears rolled down her pale cheeks. “Lance is dead, genius, and this family has lost enough. So no, I will not drive you to the airport. Neither will Carlos.” She pinned Alicia with a look. “And don’t you dare.” She spoke through gritted teeth.

Alicia shook her head. “Nope.”

Russ looked at his parents. They stood side by side, as always. His mother took a deep breath and closed her eyes, turning her face into his father’s shoulder.

His father’s expression was impassive. “I’m sorry, son.”

Russ shrugged, too weary to care. “I’ll call a taxi.”

Jessie and Alicia didn’t budge as he approached the door. “Don’t do this, Russ.” Alicia reached up to cup his cheek. “Lance wanted to live.”

He pressed a kiss to her palm. “That’s what I’m doing.”

He slipped past them and made his way to the front of the house, where his bag was waiting. No one followed him. He’d finally cut all ties. He should be glad they weren’t trying harder to keep him home. Jessie was right; Everest was dangerous. He had no intention of dying on the mountain, but fate was fickle. That’s why he’d left Susannah, and why he was glad his family was at least mostly resigned to letting him leave. He didn’t want to hurt them, but he had to go.

He called for a cab and watched out the window. When it arrived, he shouldered his bag and hurried out the front door, sliding into the car before the driver could get out. “Dulles.”

The front of the taxi was wallpapered with a collage of baby pictures. “Yours?” Russ found himself asking.

The driver guffawed. “Grandkids.” He pulled out into traffic, laying on the horn. “I’ve got a dozen of them. Best things in my life.”

Russ couldn’t help but picture his parents standing alone in an empty house. With Jessie signing on for a political career, there would be no grandkids for them any time soon. He wondered how they would have reacted to Billy. Probably much the same as he had—utter adoration. He rubbed the back of his aching neck and looked out the window.

He didn’t glance forward again until they reached the departure curb, and then he thrust a ridiculous amount of cash through the slot. “For the grandkids.”

He hauled his bag out of the taxi. Since he was already checked in, he headed straight for the TSA preapproved security lane. Were there always this many kids at the airport?

While he waited, he focused on the toddler in the lane next to him who looked like he was contemplating a jailbreak. Sure enough, the kid darted under the rope. Russ found himself tensing, getting ready to grab him, but the kid’s father ducked under the rope and caught his hand, tugging him back to his side. Russ relaxed, feeling foolish.

The family moved ahead, but there was another one with a baby just behind them. This one was smaller, bald, smooshy-faced, with one ping-pong-ball-sized fist jammed against a cheek. The other hand clutched the corner of a pink blanket. Her skin was so delicate it looked like velvet. He’d never seen anything so lush and soft-looking. Looking at her made his chest feel tight. It was suddenly hard to breathe.

He caught the mother’s eye. “How old is she?”

“Seven weeks,” she replied, smiling.

“I didn’t know they were so…portable.”

“Have boobs, will travel.”

Her husband was standing behind her, weighed down with carry-ons and a car seat. He rolled his eyes. “Over-sharing, dear.”

“Sorry.” Her grin was unrepentant. “We’re off to visit Grandma, and I’m a little giddy. My vacation starts the minute I get off the plane.”

The line forked, and Russ moved ahead. “Safe travels.”

“You, too,” the couple called as they moved into the next line. He handed his ID and boarding pass to the security agent. Out of the corner of his eye he kept track of the couple. After he was cleared to move ahead, he stepped aside. His heart hammered, and sweat dampened his armpits and the center of his back as he watched them fumble their way through security. The husband piled their shoes and belongings into plastic tubs and took the baby from his wife so she could go through the machine first.

They looked so happy on their airport adventure, working as a team, going to see Grandma, for God’s sake, who would no doubt be overjoyed to see her daughter, granddaughter, and son-in-law. What would Susannah’s mother have thought of him? He knew his parents would love her, and the desire to introduce them to her was all-consuming. Breath hissed in and out of his lungs, and his face tingled as the emotions he’d been ignoring since he’d left Susannah’s house last weekend ripped through him.

“Sir, are you all right?”

He shook his head, and the security guard’s expression went from concerned to cautious.

He fought to pull himself together. The last thing he wanted to do was alarm airport security. “I’m fine.”

Dread built inside him as he laid his backpack on the conveyor belt and waited his turn at the machine. He stepped through, waited to be cleared, and emerged on the other side. He grabbed his bag, checked the sign overhead to see which way to go to reach his gate—and staggered and fell onto a bench.
I want a baby girl who looks like Susannah and has velvet skin.

Lance would have loved to have children. He and Alicia would have made awesome babies and, if Russ had been the one to die, he would have been furious with Lance for wasting his life alone. Susannah was right: the loss of his brother had broken his heart. But she’d begun to mend it. She’d made him want to live instead of chasing death on mountains and rivers, and he’d abandoned her.

Jessie’s words came back to him.
Holy fuck.
He
was
a total asshat.

He stood and whirled, intending to find a gate agent and change his ticket. He could be on Susannah’s doorstep in a matter of hours. Scrambling in his pocket, he found his phone and texted her the only words that came to mind.

I’m sorry.

He waited for bubbles to pop up, but none appeared.

His heart sank. What had he expected? He’d left her when she needed him most—a text wasn’t going to cut it. He’d have to work to gain her forgiveness. He hustled through the crowds until he saw his airline displayed on a desk and approached the available agent. “I need the first flight to New York City, any area airport is fine.”

“Certainly.”

As she typed, he remembered his mother’s expression right before she’d hidden her face in his father’s shoulder. “Wait—let’s look at tomorrow.” Susannah wasn’t the only person who deserved his apology. He’d pushed his family to the breaking point today, and he needed to see them again before returning to New York. The weird disconnect he’d felt since leaving Susannah’s house wasn’t entirely gone, but now that his emotions were back online he recognized that it had been despair, not disinterest, haunting his parents’ expressions. He saw grief underscoring the fury in Jessie’s eyes, and he deeply regretted the pain he’d undoubtedly caused Alicia. He tamped down the urgency screaming at him to find Susannah. He’d do whatever it took to make it up to her, but first he had to make things right with his family.

He winced at the thought of how Susannah would feel if Billy grew up and blithely announced he was going to attempt to climb Mount Everest.
Asshat’s too good for me. I’m an absolute bastard.

His phone signaled a text, and Susannah’s name scrolled across the screen. His heart slammed. “Never mind. Can you credit my account? I’ll book a flight later.” He couldn’t wait another minute to start living.

…

“You just missed him.” The man who answered the door looked like a silver fox version of Russ, blue-eyed and tanned. His spine was steel-straight, but his expression was haggard as he gazed over her shoulder at Bergman, who’d insisted on accompanying Billy and Susannah to DC. “We’ve lost him for good, Rich. He wants Everest.”

“Jesus, Michael. I thought you were still doing interviews for the charity,” Bergman said.

“We wrapped up an hour ago.”

Bergman led her into the house. “Did he sprint out the door?”

“Practically.”

Susannah hiked Billy higher on her hip and put her hand on Senator Donovan’s arm. “Then let’s go get him. Or go with him. If he just left then he’s still at the airport. This madness has gone far enough, and I’m not letting him go.”

“You must be Susannah Stone.” Humor flashed in his pale blue gaze, making him look even more like Russ.

She nodded. “And this is my son, Billy. We’ve both grown quite fond of Russ, and if he’s going to Everest, we are, too. Care to make it a family affair?” she asked, hoping Russ’s wild streak had been inherited.

She knew she was right when his eyes gleamed. “Damn right. Let’s go. Doris! Jessie! Is Alicia still here? Where’s Carlos? We’re leaving.”

Susannah’s phone blared in her pocket. She scanned the foyer, identified no immediate toddler threats, and set Billy on his feet. Although she knew it was probably Holly or a work-related text, she couldn’t help but hope.

Her pounding heart skipped a beat when she saw Russ’s name on the screen.

I’m sorry.

Billy began to explore, so she followed him, thoughts whirling. Russ’s text could go two ways.
Sorry for leaving
—which would be awesome. Or
sorry
I’m about to take a swan dive off the highest mountain in the world
—which would suck sheep balls.

As she stared at the screen, she heard a woman gasp. A fifty-ish blonde watched Billy climb into an empty cupboard and do his best to shut the door behind him. “Oh my God, Russ used to do that all the time. That’s why I don’t keep anything in there. I always hoped—” She burst into tears.

Susannah rushed over and squeezed her arm. “We’re going to bring him back, Mrs. Donovan. I promise you won’t lose another son.” Her screen had gone dark. “Can you help me keep an eye on Billy? I need to text Russ back.”