Improvisation (17 page)

Jan laughed and felt herself relax a little bit. “Our second. You’re forgetting Coeur d’Alene.”

“I’m not forgetting it at all. We just weren’t fake-dating then.”

“Of course. You can probably let go of my leg now,” she said since Tina hadn’t moved her hand off Jan’s knee. “I doubt Brooke is doing surveillance of your car to make sure we’re acting like a couple.”

“I’m practicing method acting,” Tina said, but she shifted her hand to the steering wheel. “Trying to get deep into my character’s motivation.”

“I’m afraid to ask what that might be,” Jan said. Tina just waggled her eyebrows suggestively, and Jan punched her lightly on the arm. “Attention on the road,” she ordered.

She wouldn’t have minded continuing their playful game, since she knew the feelings between them were safely in the realm of make-believe, but Tina turned to more serious topics as she accelerated onto the freeway.

“Your dad seems in good spirits,” she said, her eyes on the road. “Is he really this cheerful, or is he trying to pretend everything’s okay so you don’t worry?”

Jan shrugged. “A little of both, I guess. You’ve seen him at his best because he likes you, and he’s always been very pragmatic. But he’s had a couple of memory slips that led to fights because he got frustrated and I got frightened. I suppose I don’t hide my feelings well enough—”

“Do
not
blame yourself for any of this,” Tina said firmly, reaching over and grabbing Jan’s hand. “You’re doing the best you can. You both are.”

Jan squeezed Tina’s fingers in thanks. Tina kept hold of her hand while Jan went on to talk about what the doctors had told her and her dad to expect in the future, and what decisions they’d need to make together. Tina prompted her occasionally with gentle questions, and Jan slowly let herself open up more about her fears and concerns. She had been keeping most of them inside, and the simple act of sharing was a huge relief. And Tina’s logic and compassion as they debated some of the choices facing Jan was a comfort. Tina was a temporary, pretend girlfriend, unwilling to be held down by any woman—let alone one facing an uncertain future—but Jan decided to accept the simplicity of what she was offering. Jan had a full day to be someone else, someone with a partner to share her burdens and with no agenda, except to have fun. She’d take advantage of every moment of it. She slipped her fingers between Tina’s, locking their hands together.

“What about you?” she asked. “How’s your family life?”

Tina shrugged. She was prepared for the usual tightening in her stomach she felt whenever the topic came up, but she didn’t feel it this time. Probably because too much of her attention was focused on the soft thigh under her hand. She checked over her shoulder for traffic before changing lanes so she had an excuse to move her hand a little farther up Jan’s lap. “I’ve seen my grandmother a couple times at the nursery, and the police haven’t been called, so I guess you could say we’re doing as well as can be expected.”

Tina thought back to those two brief meetings. After her initial arrival in Spokane, she had been upset and looking for a fight. When Francine had stopped by a week later and commented on one of Tina’s designs, Tina had gone on the defensive, hearing criticism in every word. Only Peter’s pleadings, when he caught up to her in the parking lot, had kept her from just getting in her car and heading straight to Seattle. The second time, Tina had nearly bumped into her grandmother as they came around a display of flowering shrubs. A civil exchange of greetings had been the entirety of their conversation. It was the most pleasant one Tina could remember ever having with her.

“I’ve liked seeing my aunt and uncle again,” she continued, rubbing her thumb lightly over the back of Jan’s hand. “And Peter has become…a friend.”

Jan laughed and squeezed her hand. “And you sound upset about it.”

“More like surprised,” Tina admitted. She and her cousin were enough alike to make them compatible, but their friendship had grown beyond what she’d anticipated from a relative. Their business meetings often turned into personal conversations, and she had come to appreciate his intelligence, his dry sense of humor, and their shared passion for music. “I’ll actually miss him when I leave.”

She thought she felt Jan stiffen at her words, but her voice was calm when she asked Tina about the work she was doing for the aeronautics company. Tina wanted to say she’d miss Jan, too, when she left Spokane, but somehow the words didn’t express how she really felt. Instead, she stayed on the safe topics of her design business and Jan’s school until they reached the small town of Wenatchee.

*

“I can take a hint,” Brooke said, interrupting Jan’s focus on the two women in front of her. Tina and Andy had stopped to watch one of the many impromptu jam sessions they had seen at the festival. It seemed everyone had an instrument and was willing to play it at the slightest sign of encouragement. The blend of different styles of bluegrass—from country to urban—and the chaos, as scheduled performances competed with spur-of-the-moment tunes, ought to have been a cacophonous assault on her ears, but instead, Jan felt comfortably enveloped by the music of the festival.

“Okay,” Jan said, her attention on Tina’s expressive fingers as she argued with Andy. They were clearly discussing some matter of technique as they gestured and played air violins. Jan could almost feel Tina’s desire to have a real fiddle in her hands. “Wait, what?”

“I’ll stop meddling. You and Tina proved your point.”

“Good,” Jan said. “What point?”

“You don’t want me involved in your social lives.”

“Well, we don’t.” Jan still felt she had missed part of Brooke’s conversation. Her comments seemed to have come from out of the blue. “How exactly did we prove it to you?”

“The whole pretending-to-be-dating thing. I get it, and I won’t try to set the two of you up again.”

Jan considered protesting more vigorously, since she knew Tina would want her to, but she couldn’t see the point. She and Tina simply weren’t believable as a couple. She had always known they weren’t. “What a relief,” Jan eventually said, giving up the charade in a not very relieved sounding voice. She wondered briefly if they needed to tell Tina yet. Jan had actually been enjoying the afternoon. Tina’s occasional touch on her shoulder or back, her attentiveness, her closeness. “What gave us away? Those stupid pet names she kept making up?”

“No,” Brooke said with a wave of her hand. “Those were adorable. They made you smile every time, so she kept coming up with sillier ones. But something just didn’t seem right. I guess love just can’t be faked.”

“I thought we were pretty convincing,” Jan muttered as she started walking faster. Brooke matched her long stride.

“Are you angry? I’m not insulting your acting skills, I’m just saying I understand. And the good thing is, since you and Tina are friends now, we can all hang out together when you come to Seattle.”

Hang out with Tina and her date of the week. Two loving couples and Jan. “Hooray,” she said as they caught up to Tina and Andy, who had stopped at a snack bar.

“Are you hungry, sex kitten?” Tina asked. “Hey, what’s wrong?”

Jan frowned. She kind of liked the new name. “You can stop acting like my girlfriend. They’re on to us.”

“Really?” Tina asked, looking from Brooke to Andy. “I know you were suspicious last night, but I thought we were acting like a real couple today.”

“Yeah, you really had us going for a while,” Andy said, rolling her eyes. “Not.”

Jan ignored Andy’s dry remark and turned to Tina. “I thought so, too. Especially when you noticed I was cold and went to get my coat.” Tina had let her hands linger in Jan’s hair after she pulled it free of the coat’s collar. Brushing against her neck like a warm breeze. Jan hadn’t felt cold anymore, but her sudden rush of heat had nothing to do with the coat.

“And when you bought me the hand-carved fiddle stand because you knew I didn’t have a place to set my violin when I practice in the apartment. It was very considerate. Something a girlfriend would do.” Jan smiled at her, glad Tina had liked the little gift. When Tina had played the Cajun music for her, she had noticed she had to set the violin in its case every time she needed her hands free. The stand seemed like a convenient accessory, and the rustic carving of the piece suited Tina’s style.

“Fine, you convinced me,” Brooke said, raising her hands in surrender. “I believe you’re really in love. When’s the wedding?”

“Oh, don’t patronize us,” Jan said, angry because she wasn’t quite sure what she was arguing for anymore.

“How about we save this discussion for later and focus on what’s really important,” Andy said as she moved up to the snack bar’s counter. “Now, who wants french fries?”

*

“Did you know the whole time?” Tina asked Andy once they were seated near the performance stage. Jan and Brooke had gone to get another round of snacks.

“When you told us in Seattle, I suspected you were just trying to get everyone off your back. And once I saw you with Jan, I knew for sure,” Andy said. “You were very careful about how you touched each other, and you never held hands. Neither of you is a very good liar.”

Tina frowned. She wasn’t so sure of that. She had done a good job of convincing herself, but she wasn’t about to admit it to Andy. Nor did she want to mention that they had held hands in the car, when they were alone. She had only been reserved when touching Jan in public because she didn’t think she’d be able to stop once she started to let her hands roam. “But we’ve had fun together, like two couples.”

Andy shrugged. “Like four friends.”

“More fun than we ever had when I brought dates out with us,” Tina continued, ignoring Andy’s comment.

“Because Brooke and I know Jan. Most of the girls you’ve brought along were nice enough, but they were strangers to us. Hell, they were practically strangers to
you
.”

“I do like her, you know,” Tina said quietly. She wasn’t sure how much, or what it meant, but it was too real to be ignored.

“Hey.” Andy bumped her shoulder against Tina’s. “That’s obvious. But do you like her as in you want to spend a night with her, or do you like her as in you want to move to Spokane and help her with her dad, and stick around for all the mornings after?”

Tina was silent. Of course she meant the former. Only a fool would sign up for the lifetime option. She saw Jan and Brooke approaching and watched as Jan handed the food she was carrying to Brooke and knelt to pet an Australian Cattle Dog with a bandana around its neck. She had visited every dog at the festival—and there were almost as many of them as people—and Tina, in her girlfriend persona, had imagined a rather pleasant scene in which she gave Jan a puppy as a present. And then what? She would go back to Seattle, leaving Jan to care for her dad and a new pet all alone. Andy was right. If Tina wasn’t prepared to stay long-term, she had no right to play with Jan’s affection. She had to stop pretending because she had no intention of making their relationship permanent.

“Thanks,” she said when Jan handed her one of the messy, greasy chili dogs she had in her hands. She was relieved when Jan chose a seat on the aisle, so the two of them were flanking Andy and Brooke and not sitting next to each other. She took a big bite and tried to swallow it even though her throat felt strangely tight.

*

The effort to maintain small talk for the three-hour drive back to Spokane was almost painful. Jan came up with an admirable number of questions about fiddle music, styles, and history until even Tina was bored, hearing herself lecture about one of her favorite subjects. Tina did her part, as well, and she had learned more than she ever wanted to know about geometry before she finally parked in front of Jan’s house. The porch light and a lamp in the living room were on, but the rest of the house was dark.

“Well, that was…a long day,” Tina said awkwardly as she turned off the car and faced Jan. Even though the relationship had been a sham, its end had managed to put a stop to their playful, teasing friendship. Tina didn’t know how to get it back, or even if she wanted to. Maybe it was for the best if they simply let their association fade. After all, she’d be leaving soon.

“Can you stay?”

Jan’s words caught Tina by surprise. A jumble of images raced through her mind—Jan underneath her, over her, putting on her satiny boxers just so Tina could rip them off again. She pushed the thoughts aside and tried to concentrate on being the sensible one. Jan seemed better suited for the job, but she was apparently giving up her role as most practical person in the car. “I shouldn’t. I mean, of course I want to, but it wouldn’t be right to—”

“To lead me on?” Jan finished her sentence with a smile.

“Well, yeah.”

“I’m not a fool, Tina. I know it would just be tonight. But maybe I don’t want it to mean anything more, either. Maybe reality has worn me down, and I need a night of fantasy. Just one night.”

Tina grabbed Jan’s hand and briefly kissed her palm, her wrist. She was tempted by Jan’s offer. Not because she wanted a no-strings, one-night stand. But because she was afraid to look too closely at what she
did
want. And she was just as scared at the prospect of letting Jan go. “Don’t think it wouldn’t mean anything. I care about you, but I…”

Jan moved her hand out of Tina’s grasp, sliding it along her cheekbone and letting it rest alongside Tina’s neck. She kept her touch casual, fighting the urge to trace Tina’s collarbone with her fingers until she reached the buttons on her shirt. They looked easy enough to rip open. “Of course it would mean something, to both of us. But it doesn’t have to mean
everything
.”

Jan waited while Tina seemed to struggle with herself. Jan was patient because she had spent most of the day facing the same internal struggle, and she had finally reached her decision. Just because there was no one left to convince they were a couple didn’t mean the game had to stop. Why not have a night together, too? Jan knew it was a stupid decision, knew she would be left alone and hurt after Tina went home, but she would deal with the pain later. And she would survive it. Not having this night together was a much worse option. She had gotten a small taste of being Tina’s girlfriend, and she wanted more, wanted to know what it would be like to be satisfied completely with Tina. And then she’d let her go.