Imagined Love (9 page)

“You did what you were supposed to do, Mama,” Willa said, with pride in her voice. “Aunt Rose needed your love and support and you gave it to her. And I believe she was happier pursuing her dreams for her short time here on earth than she ever would’ve been doing anything else. He killed Aunt Rose, Mama. You loved her the way she needed you to.”

“I hear what you saying, baby, and I ‘preciate that. It’s just a hard thing to let go of, you know? When Rose started doing well John couldn’t stand it. And when she left him and refused to come back, he shot her down like a dog in her office! And from that moment on I always feared what a crazy, out of control man could do. Even if you left him, he could still hurt you. So I believed it was easier to just do what a man wanted than to make him mad. And I know it infuriates you to hear me say that but it was the only way I knew to keep you safe. But here’s something I want you to know, Willa Ann. I always been on your side. It might not seem that way to you, but everything I ever did was to protect you . . . with Miles, Justin, and Charlie Mays too! I never doubted what you said about him, baby. Never! You don’t live with a man all those years and not know what he capable of. But I made sure he paid for what he did to you. I promise you he paid for it!”

By that time Willa was nearly hysterical and didn’t know what to think. There appeared to be a whole lot she didn’t know about her mother.

“See, when I was growing up Big Mama always had a bottle of antifreeze in the pantry. And it wasn’t until I married your father that she finally explained to me what it was for. I swear to you, Willa, I thought that woman had lost her mind! But then Charlie Mays hurt my baby and I finally understood.

“For a week straight I greeted him at the door with a special glass of his favorite iced tea. And I made sure he drank every last drop of it before I brought his dinner on a platter. Oh, honey, he thought he was the king around there having his wife wait on him hand and foot. And I enjoyed every minute of it knowing it wouldn’t be long before he was rotting in hell!” Dorothea admitted. “So on that last day when he had his uh, heart attack, I just sat there, smiling and humming like I couldn’t hear him gasping for me to call somebody. You should’ve seen his face when I told him I had already called the devil to come get him for what he did to my baby! I think ole Charlie Mays was genuinely shocked. His eyes got all big and he kept pointing at the glass. So I said, ‘Oh, you want some more tea, sugar?’ And I laughed until that bastard shut his eyes for good! I put up with a lot of stuff from some really nasty and vile men. But ain’t nobody gone get away with hurting my babies! Nobody! Even Miles got a little taste of what would happen to him if he ever put his hands on you again!”

Willa’s hands were trembling so badly she almost dropped the phone! Was her mother really saying she had killed Charlie Mays? And that she would’ve killed Miles too? No, that couldn’t have been right. Yet, the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. Willa hadn’t known Charlie Mays to be sick a day in his life then all of a sudden he dropped dead of a heart attack? And then one day Miles just magically learned how to keep his hands to himself? As bizarre and inappropriate as it would have been to do so, Willa actually wanted to laugh! She didn’t, though. Instead she cried. Willa felt like she had wasted so many years hating her mother and was convinced Dorothea hated her too when it turned out she had loved Willa all along.

“Here’s how I looked at it,” Dorothea continued, snapping Willa back to the present. “I could’ve left him and ended up back in Big Mama’s basement. I could’ve reported him knowing the police wouldn’t do a thing about it. Or he could just die and leave us with insurance money that would pay off the house and take care of all of us for years. I thought door number three was the better option.”

“So how come you didn’t give me the recipe?” Willa managed to laugh.

“Because you might’ve killed us all!”Dorothea laughed loudly. “Besides, there are consequences to pay when you put yourself in the place of God, baby. I know Mae died because of what I did. Not a day goes by that I don’t carry that guilt in my heart,” she cried. “After her funeral I remember asking why it couldn’t

have just been that other one. Why couldn’t Charlie Mays been the only one to die? That vile bastard was the one who deserved to have his face bashed into a tree! Not my sweet, innocent Mae Louise. But I knew the answer to that one. And I used to think going to jail was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. But nothing is as bad as the prison I been in all these years knowing my baby had to go in the ground because of me. I would never wish that on you, Willa. And you don’t want that. Trust me, baby, you don’t want that.”

“I’m so sorry, Mama,” she said, sincerely. For years Willa believed she was “the other one” Dorothea had been referring to.

“I’m sorry too, Willa Ann. I truly am. You deserved much better than what I gave you. I was just so terrified of you ending up like Rose that I made a lot of bad decisions trying to keep it from happening. But I was wrong and I should’ve encouraged you to live your dreams. I should’ve helped you leave Miles the first time he put his hands on you,” Dorothea cried. “You so beautiful, Willa. And you strong and smart and I know you can do whatever you choose to do. I always knew it. Even when you used to drive me crazy, I admired you for your determination and strength just like I did Rose. And if I had it all to do over again, I wouldn’t let my fear of all the horrible things that could’ve happened keep me from supporting you the way you needed and deserved. I’m sorry, Willa, and I hope one day you’ll be able to forgive me.”

“I do forgive you, Mama. And I thank you,” she cried.

Willa hung up feeling as if she and her mother finally had a chance at being happy in their relationship with one another. However, as was the case with most things in her life, it didn’t work out the way she’d hoped.

Over breakfast the next morning Willa brought up the idea of her and Jade going to Alabama for Christmas. She was smiling as she rambled on about them taking a flight instead of driving so they could have more time to spend there. Willa wanted to show Jade some of the places she and Mae used to go to when they went there for the summer. Of course Jade was excited but couldn’t help asking what her granny had said to bring about such a change in her mother.

“Well, baby girl, I’m not gonna pretend like everything is fixed between me and Mama because it’s not. She hurt me a lot. But after our talk yesterday I realize there are a bunch of things I didn’t know. Maybe if I had known back then it would’ve made a difference. I don’t know, but for the first time in my life I feel like we can actually have a real, meaningful relationship,” Willa began to cry.

Jade wrapped her arms around Willa and squeezed her tight. “I’m proud of you, Ma. I love you.”

“I love you too, baby girl.”

Once they were done eating, Willa and Jade made plans for the day. Neither of them felt like going anywhere so they decided to have a lazy Sunday and lie around in pajamas watching television, eating their favorite snacks. By noon they were both starving so Willa climbed out of bed to make lunch. She was making grilled ham and cheese sandwiches when the phone rang. Jade was flipping through the channels when she saw that a Fred Astaire movie was about to begin.

“Ma, I gotta make some popcorn because . . . Ma, what’s wrong?” Jade asked once she spotted Willa crouched on the kitchen floor cradling the phone. Tears were streaming down her face.

“It looks like we won’t be going to Alabama after all, baby girl. Mama’s coming home to be with Mae,” she said, holding her arms open for Jade to collapse into as they cried together.

It was Dorothea’s sister Vera who’d called to let Willa know what happened. Not long after she hung up from her daughter, Dorothea fell to the floor from a massive stroke.

“I got all her papers and insurance information here with all the monies needed to get her back home. You know Dotty wanna be buried next to her baby so she got the plot and everything taken care of. She s’pose to be at the funeral home on Wednesday so you gone have to go down there and make sure they fix up her right. I sent the suit and her shoes and everything so she’ll look real nice, okay?”

“Yes, ma’am. Thank you, Aunt Vera.”

The fact that Dorothea had the foresight to take care of all her final expenses was a tremendous relief to Willa. There was no way she would have been able to

have her mother shipped back to Gary or pay for the casket and the funeral itself. And it was quite clear no one else was planning to cover the costs. Willa’s aunts had a lot of opinions and demands but no money to contribute. With the exception of Aunt Vera, they all came with their hands out trying to stake claim over Dorothea’s belongings. That wasn’t really surprising, though. They’d always been that way.

What was surprising to Willa was the amount of support she received from Miles. After Jade called to tell him what happened he was there in a flash to comfort them both. Miles had always loved Dorothea and he was genuinely heartbroken by her death. However, it was Jade who seemed to be taking it the hardest. She wouldn’t really eat or talk and appeared to be drifting through the day. Landon was the only one who could convince her to take a few bites of food and he’d run his fingers through her hair to help her sleep. Unlike Katrina, Alonzo, and even Willa, he didn’t try to force Jade to “snap out of it”. Landon just let her be, always making sure she knew he was there for her if she needed him.

Friday morning, September 9, 1983, Trinity Baptist Church was filled to capacity with mourners coming to pay their final respects. After a beautiful service, the procession was led to Evergreen Memorial Park for the burial. Miles sat in the limousine between Willa and Jade holding their hands as they both rested their heads on his shoulders. They were still hand in hand by the guard railing when Dorothea’s casket was lowered into the ground.

“Bye, Granny. I love you,” Jade whispered then tossed a white rose into the grave before walking towards Landon, Cicely, and Katrina.

There was so much on Willa’s heart to say at that moment but she just couldn’t manage to get out the words. She had so many questions that would never be answered and so much to say that her mother would never hear. “Bye, Mama,” Willa mumbled then buried her face into Miles’s chest.

Just as he had when she was a fourteen-year-old girl standing at her sister’s grave, Miles held Willa’s trembling body with all the strength he could muster. “I love you,” he whispered then kissed her cheek. “I’ll always be here for you, no matter what.”

Willa looked into his eyes and was about to tell him she loved him too when she heard Craig calling her name. Mr. Matthews was the new man in her life—the one who was still waiting on an answer to his marriage proposal.

“Hey, baby, I got here as fast as I could. You okay?” he asked, pulling her away from Miles. “I’m so sorry I wasn’t here to help you through this whole thing but I’m here now,” Craig said as they walked across the lawn and further away from her ex-husband.

Wiping tears from his face, Miles kissed a white rose then tossed it atop the casket. “I promise to take care of them, Mama . . . both of them,” he said, as the grave diggers began covering Dorothea’s casket with dirt.

And just like that, Dorothea Willa Mae Jackson was laid to rest beside her beloved daughter.

Back at Willa’s house was like a zoo! People were coming by the herds with food, drinks, and stories about Dorothea.

“Mom, can I go over to Katrina’s for the night? I’m tired of people asking me if I’m okay or stupid stuff like am I sad. I just wanna get out of here for a while, okay?”

“Don’t you think you should stay here with your mom, sweetie? I’m sure she needs you right now,” Craig added.

“I don’t know if you should speak on that subject,” Miles said. “If you hadn’t been off ‘taking care of business’ somebody else wouldna had to give Willa what she needs,” he smirked before taking a sip of his soda.

“Yeah, baby, go ahead. I honestly wish I had somewhere else to go right now. Just promise me you’ll eat something, okay? You know Granny wouldn’t want you getting sick because you aren’t taking care of yourself. I’ll pick you up tomorrow, okay?” Willa gave her daughter a hug and kiss. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Ma. Thanks and I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye, Dad,” she said then gave Miles a hug and kiss.

“Uh, bye,” Craig snapped when Jade walked passed him without saying a word. He had tried everything to get her to like him but she still didn’t. So he began to wonder if it was because she wanted her parents back together. It was very obvious that her father wanted them back together. Craig couldn’t stand Miles and wished for him to just disappear!

Later that evening, once Miles had finally gotten the house cleared out, he told Craig it was time for him to go.

“It’s time for me to . . . what . . . who you think you talking to, man? You don’t tell me to leave my girlfriend’s house!”

“Well, Mrs. Caldwell asked me to get rid of everybody and she didn’t say except Craig, so that means you too. I’m sure it’s nothing personal. Well, I guess maybe it is since you should be the one person she wants to stay with her and she don’t. Oh well, I guess y’all can talk about it in the morning . . . or maybe later in the afternoon since she’ll probably be too tired to get up that early,” Miles smiled then threw Craig’s jacket at him. “Let me show you to the front door.”

“You ain’t gotta show me a damn thing! Willa! Willa, baby, come here for a second,” Craig yelled, trying unsuccessfully to get around Miles. “Move out the way, man!”

“I’m in the tub, Craig. I’ll call you tomorrow.”

Craig was beside himself with rage but there wasn’t much he could do about it. Mountain Man Miles wasn’t going to let him by and it didn’t seem as if Willa wanted him to. The only thing left for Craig to do was insist that Miles leave too. There was no way in the world he was leaving the two of them alone. He began to realize that all the arguing they did was just a cover for the passion they still felt for one another and he wasn’t going to sit idly by and watch them give in to it. “Let’s go!” he demanded.

“Fair enough,” Miles said, closing the door behind him. He even pulled off first and watched in his rearview mirror as Craig drove off in the other direction. “Chump,” he laughed.

What Craig didn’t realize, even after he swooped around the block a few times to make sure Miles hadn’t returned was that he would be back. It took him a while to drive to his and Willa’s old stomping grounds to get tacos, donuts, a few pints of their favorite ice cream and some rum and Coke. Within an hour he was sitting beside Willa on her couch watching TV and talking just like they used to.

“So what does Mrs. Caldwell think about you being over here all this time? I’d imagine she’s getting pretty pissed off about it.”

“I doubt Anna cares at all. I surely don’t,” Miles said, as he poured them both a drink. “So what about you and this pipsqueak Craig? I know you not really thinking about marrying this cat, are you? There ain’t no way in hell I woulda let some other man throw me out of my own woman’s house! You woulda had to kill me to get me up outta here. Craig’s just a sorry, cowardly bastard and I know that’s not what you want.”

“Oh really, and what is it that I want?”

“You want a warrior that’ll go out and slay dragons for you then come home and hit that spot you like,” Miles smiled that big, mega watt smile at her. “You know what I’m talking about. And I know damn well pipsqueak ain’t doing it. If he was then you wouldn’t be sitting over there looking at me with those eyes begging me to take you to the back and do what I do.”

“So that’s what I’m doing, huh?” Willa laughed.

“You know it is.”

“So you still think about me like that even though you got a young, hot little thing at home?”

“Girl, please, I always think about it. Nobody does it better than you, Willa. You know that,” Miles said, staring into those eyes of hers. “You the only woman I ever loved and I’ll never be over you. Why you think I argue with you so much?”

“I have no idea. I often wonder that myself.”

“I argue with you for the same reason you argue with me. As long as I can get you all riled up, I know you still feel it for me. If you didn’t still have that passion for me you wouldn’t care what I said. I know you, Willa . . . better than

anybody. And if I had it to do all over again, I still woulda smoked you on the playground that day,” Miles and Willa laughed. “I still woulda fallen head over heels in love with you. I still woulda married you and had babies with you and lived my life with you. The only difference is I wouldna hurt you. The only thing I woulda hit is that spot you like,” Miles smiled as he wiped tears from her face. “I’m so sorry, baby. I’m sorry I made such a mess of our life. We were supposed to be forever.”

Willa didn’t know if it was his words, the fact that she was emotional, or the glass of rum and Coke that made her kiss the inside of his hands as he touched her face. She didn’t know what it was making her pull Miles closer so she could feel his lips on hers.

After their passionate kiss grew more intense, Willa got up from the couch. “What are we doing, Miles? You’re married and I won’t be your other woman.”

He pulled her back down beside him and caressed her face. “You’re the only Mrs. Caldwell I care about. I love you, Willa, and I know you love me too. We got this thing between us that just won’t go away. It’s why I came running and wouldn’t have been anywhere else in the world but here by your side. And it’s why you let me throw your man out so we could be alone. You love me, Willa,” Miles said, as he kissed her lips softly. “Say it. Tell me you love me,” he kissed her again. “Please, baby, say you love me and only me.”

Whatever it was between them was too strong to resist. “I love you and only you, koala.” And with that, Miles carried Willa to her bedroom where they hit each other’s spots like no one else could!

The first week after the funeral was very overwhelming for Willa. People were still dropping by her house with food and memories of how wonderful Dorothea had been to them. Initially Willa felt a sense of pride. Yet, the more she listened, the more her bitterness began to resurface. She didn’t understand how Dorothea could show so much love to everyone else and harbor nothing but resentment and anger towards her. The explanations she gave Willa during their last conversation just weren’t enough anymore. Even if she had avenged the wrong Charlie Mays did or put Miles back on the straight and narrow, it didn’t erase the fact that Dorothea had been mean and unsupportive the majority of Willa’s life. It didn’t heal the wounds she still carried from when she was a little girl. All it did was grant her mother the chance to die in peace and that made Willa extremely bitter. She felt like Dorothea got off easy and she was left to deal with everything that was dumped upon her.

What she allowed to happen between her and Miles was weighing heavy on Willa’s mind as well. It was incredible, like it always was with him, but she knew it was a mistake. Miles was married, she was involved, and they had dragged Jade

through enough junk with their neurotic relationship. It was no question that they still loved each other. However, the passion that kept drawing Miles and Willa back to one another was the same one that kept tearing them apart. At the end of the day, they both wanted very different things and that would always get in the way. So over a few cups of coffee and donuts, the former spouses agreed to love each other from a distance and move on with their own separate lives.

The thing that upset Willa most was Jade’s unwillingness to feel better. She didn’t want to eat or talk or do anything other than mope around the house. And Willa knew the girl was close to her granny and that she’d be sad but she was fed up with the constant tribute to Dorothea! Jade spent hours in her room re-reading old letters and looking through pictures of her summers spent in Alabama. She acted like her granny was the only person in the world who loved her—the only one who mattered and Willa couldn’t take it anymore.