Illusion (10 page)

I was furious with me.

I hadn’t listened to any of his messages.  I couldn’t tolerate hearing the disappointment and fear in his voice right now.  My life had turned on its axis, spinning out of control, my mind was everywhere and nowhere at the same time.  I couldn’t stop the barrage of thoughts: my possibly dangerous and evil father, my missing mother, the knowledge that I had some sort of immortality, changing, Stefan, moving and leaving behind two of my only friends… I was scared to death, feeling like I was only holding on to the remnants of my old life by a thin thread.  And instead of relying on the one person that loved me the most, I chose to run.

Pushing aside my cup with a sigh, I felt extremely silly and stupid.

My phone rang again and I closed my eyes.  I’d been waiting on this phone call.

With shaking hands, I answered the phone.  “Anna?”

“Josie!  Thank god!”  Anna yelled out in relief.  “Lukas just called me.  Stefan is going crazy looking for you.”

“Yeah.  I figured as much.”

“Ok, let me sit down for this.  What exactly happened?  You need to tell me what’s going on.”

Running my hands through my hair, I rested my forehead in the palm of my hand.  “Where do I start?  There’s a lot I can’t talk about over the phone, Anna.  Everything is out of control.  Imagine finding out everything you thought you knew about your life has been a big fucking lie.”

“I can’t imagine what that would be like.  Josie, did you ever think Stefan might want to help you with this instead of me calling you to discuss your drama?” Anna asked pointedly.  “If you’re going to be with him in a relationship, you can’t take off running every time you get stressed out about something.”

“I didn’t think Anna.  I just ran.”

“Hmm.  How’s New York?” Anna changed the subject abruptly.

“Loud.”  I turned my head to the side as I shifted in my chair.  “I thought I’d hate being in the crowds, but it hasn’t been so bad.”

There was silence on the line and I could hear the crackle of the long-distance connection.  “What are you going to do now?”

“Oh Anna, I don’t know,” I whispered.  “He’s probably going to be so pissed that he’s changed all the locks and my suitcase will be sitting by the door.”

“Bitch, please.  That man loves you.  I’ve seen it firsthand.  Quit being melodramatic and get your ass in a cab and go home.  Talk to him.”  Anna urged.  “I’m pissed that you left Bali without saying goodbye, but we’ll talk about that later.  Right now I want to you to fix the mess you just made, Josie.  Don’t make me come to New York.”

Laughing weakly, I fiddled with a spoon on the table.  “Alright, alright.  I’m sorry about Lukas calling and putting you in the middle of this.”

“That bitchy queen means well,” Anna snickered for a second and her voice became serious again.  “I swear to god Josie, if you screw this up with Stefan I’ll kick your ass.  Remember what it was like when you had your misunderstanding and you were apart?  Both of you were miserable without each other.”

“I know,”  I paused.  “Thanks, Anna.  I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye, girlfriend.”

Dropping my phone in my purse, I stared at the table.  Anna was right, I needed to find a way to fix this.  Pushing my chair away from the table, I hurried through the glass door and out onto the chilly night air.  Hailing a cab, I slid inside.

“261 W. 28th Street, please,” I said loudly over the sound of the cab driver’s radio.

We drove through the traffic and I watched the city go by in a daze.  I had no idea what I’d be facing when I got back to the apartment.  I rummaged through my purse for my cell phone and was tempted to listen to his voice mails.  Losing my nerve, I figured walking into this blind was probably preferable.

The taxi pulled to a stop in front of the apartment building and I absently shoved money at the driver.  Drawing in a deep breath, I flung my purse over my shoulder and walked up to the building, nodding wordlessly at the doorman who opened the door for me.  I passed an attractive couple getting out of the elevator as I was getting on and I nervously pressed the eight button.

Smoothing my hair, I took a deep breath when the elevator doors opened on our floor.  I headed towards our apartment and gripped the doorknob lightly, startled to find it unlocked.  Gradually opening the door, I walked in to find every light turned off.  My vision was sharper than before and I navigated easily through the darkness, closing the door and finding the counter to place my purse and keys on.

“Stefan?”  I called out.  My voice sounded louder than normal in the quiet apartment.  Anxiously pushing my hair behind my ear, I stood quietly, listening for any sounds.  “Stefan?  Are you here?

A light switched on by one of the armchairs closest to the windows.  Stefan glared at me through narrowed eyes, his large frame slouched over in the chair, his fingers strumming restlessly against his muscular thighs.  His lips were pressed into a thin line, his blond hair ruffled from his hands running through it.

“Do you have any idea how worried I have been, Josephine?  I leave the room for a moment and you run from me.  I call you dozens of times and you ignore me.  Explain what the fuck you think you were doing?”  Stefan asked.  The accent in his voice was more pronounced, but he had no inflection in his voice.  He sounded exhausted, like he’d been up for days.

Nervously rubbing the toe of my boot against the wood floor, I looked out the windows, over his head.

“I can only imagine what you were going through.  I’m so sorry, Stefan.  I just freaked out and I ran,” I mumbled.  “It’s not an excuse.  I was stupid.”

“You ignored my calls and spoke with Anna though,” he muttered angrily.  “After your confrontation with your father today, you run off and I have no idea where to find you.  If I lost you….  fuck!”

He slammed his fist against the arm of the chair and I heard the wood crack under the impact of his hand.  He rose to his full six-foot-four inch height and crossed the room to loom over me.  He looked down at me, his blue eyes filled with agony.

“Stefan, I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.” Tears spilled over my cheeks and I covered my face with my hands, my shoulders shaking with my gasping sobs.

“Go to bed, Josephine.  I cannot talk to you anymore about this tonight.”  Stefan turned and walked to the sofa.  He stretched across it and his gaze fixed on the windows in front of him.  His body was tense, his face expressionless.

“Stefan,” I began.

“No! I said go to bed.  Nothing good will come from our discussion tonight.  There are some things that are better left unsaid.”  He didn’t look at me and his sharp words stung like tiny knives into my heart.

Fighting the urge to go to his side, I headed down the hallway into our bedroom.  I kicked off my boots and stripped off my jeans and shirt, leaving them in a heap on the floor.  Crawling  into bed, I turned off the light.  As I hugged his pillow to my chest, I was wondering if I’d finally pushed him away for good.  If I did, I only had myself to blame.

* * *

The sun was rising when I awoke.  Flipping over on my back, I gasped when I saw Stefan sitting on the side of the bed, leaning forward with his head in his hands.  His clothes were wrinkled and his handsome face looked weary.

“Hey,” I whispered.  I wanted so badly to touch him, but I was too afraid he’d leave.

“Hey,” he repeated.  His deep voice was husky and sounded tired.

“Stefan, I shouldn’t have run last night.  I should have talked to you.  I freaked out and didn’t think.”  I plucked at the comforter with my fingers.  Glancing up at him, I reached out and covered his hand with mine.  “I’m sorry.  If I could go back and do it over again, I would.  I’ll never run again.”

He squeezed my hand and pulled it away to trace the pendant around my neck.  “You are still afraid, vackra.”

“Of course I’m afraid.  Everything I thought I knew has been turned upside down.  Not to mention I don’t always handle change well.”  I grabbed his hand and held it against my chest.  “This is my screwed up mind you’re dealing with.  I’m afraid of losing you, Stefan.  I’m afraid Kian will try to kill me or worse, kill you.”

“I will never leave you, Josephine,” he assured me.  “No relationship is perfect and I have told you time and time again that we are in this together.  You cannot just run off and not talk to me.”

“I know.  I guess I needed time to think and I didn’t go about it in the right way.”

“I thought you had left me, Josephine.”  He lay down beside of me with his head on my pillow, our heads touching.  His fingertips lightly stroked my face and his eyes swept over my face, as if committing it to memory.

“I wouldn’t leave you, Stefan.  I just needed to leave reality for awhile.  I had a few cups of espresso at Chelsea Market.”

He offered me a weak smile.  “You were in a coffee shop in Chelsea?  You drowned your sorrows in over-priced tiny cups of coffee?”

I nodded and huddled against his broad chest, which was now as warm against me.

“You befuddle me, Josephine,” he sighed softly.  “No more running from me.  You not only ran from Kian, vackra.  You ran from what we have.”  He gestured between us, raising his eyebrows sternly.

“No more running,” I agreed vehemently.

He nodded and finally, his arms embraced me, overwhelming me with his ferociousness.  It was like coming home, erasing all of my doubts and quieting the voices in my head.  I peeked into his mind, and the fear and confusion he felt was overpowering.  His thoughts were like mine last night, chaotic and conflicted.

“I spent the night staring out the windows, reflecting back over the last few weeks.  I wondered if I made the right choice in finding you and exposing you to this life.  I feel as if you never truly heard all the things I said to you,” he said impassively against my hair.  “And not with your ears, with your heart.  Perhaps I have not told you what you needed to hear.”

“Stefan...”

“Let me finish,” Stefan continued quietly.  “Yet I am selfish.  I realized that I would have continued to search for you regardless.  I was on a mission to find you, the only thing I’ve known for two centuries.  There will never be another for me except you.  However, I will let you go.  I love for the first time in my long life, and I will not force you to give up who and what you are because I think I know what is best for you.”

Craning my neck, I regarded him in a new light and with different eyes.  Possibly Stefan was right.  I’d never really listened to him, not with my heart.  It was if someone flicked on a light bulb in a dark room and I could see the light.  Stefan Lifsten, in his almost 1,000 years on this earth, had said he’d never loved anyone until he met me.  He was willing to sacrifice it all to let me go.

And what did I do?  I single-handedly did the worst possible thing to him.  I ran from him.  He assumed the worst, figuring I’d had enough and taken off.  In his mind, I proved his theory right.

What did I know about love?  I’d never loved a man in a romantic way until Stefan.  Most of my relationships failed even before they had a chance to begin.  Stefan and I were both stumbling through a relationship, a millennia old vampire and a hybrid vampire.  Helplessly lost, hopelessly in love.

“I’m going to talk now.”  I pushed him to his back against the bed and climbed to straddle his hips.  My fingers began methodically unbuttoning his shirt and once it was open, I met his gaze.  “I love you, Stefan.  The best night of my life happened the moment you walked into it.”  I leaned over him, pressing my breasts against his chest, fisting my hands into his thick hair.  “I was foolish because I ran from you last night and I won’t ever make that mistake again.  I’m not giving you up.  You were reborn for me.”

  Stefan had flipped me to my back before I could blink, standing at the foot of the bed.  He tossed his shirt to the floor and his jeans were off in a blur of movement, lowering himself to his knees on the bed at my feet, staring down at the cover.

“Stefan?”

His face lifted up and the look he gave me was one I’d never seen before.  His handsome face was stripped bare, no arrogance or age marring his smooth features.  His was wide eyed as our eyes met, shocked at my admission.  He looked impossibly young...and pure.

Slowly crawling to meet him, I sat in front of him, reaching out to carefully run my hands over his broad chest, my fingers caressing his pale pink nipples and stroking over the rippled muscles of his abdomen, his body jerking from my touch.  He swallowed roughly and the corner of his mouth twitched.

“Josephine,” he whispered harshly.  “You were made for me.”

My hands froze in place, afraid to move.  I glanced up at him through my eyelashes, my breathing shallow.  He hadn’t moved, he was simply watching me.

I nodded and smiled.  My hands were still, waiting for his permission to continue.  “You were saved for me.”

Stefan sighed softly.  “Touch me.  Please.”  He was beautiful, completely unguarded with soft eyes.  “Please.”

Hesitantly, I continued my exploration over his soft skin, letting my mouth follow the path my hands had made.  My lips and tongue skimmed over his stomach, back up to his chest.  I traced around each of nipples with my fingers, rubbing my mouth over the satin skin of his neck, feeling the muscles in his throat constrict under my lips.