If You Want Me
Kayla Perrin
For every woman
who has ever felt uncomfortable
about her weight or her looks,
may we all realize our true beauty
that comes from within.
And to two very dear childhood friends,
Allette Brown and Cheryl Falardeau—
two women whose beauty radiates
from the inside out.
I love you both.
“Alice Gayle Watson.”
“Hey, isn’t that…?”
Alice turned left after entering the hotel lobby and walked…
“Mama?” There was excitement in Marie’s voice and Alice immediately…
Two weeks after surgery, Rosa was released from the hospital.
“Oh, my God.” Alice groaned as she scanned the picture…
Alice awoke with a start, then bolted upright when she…
“Come on, man. One more.”
Run, Alice, run, Marcus thought sardonically as he watched her…
Alice’s head itched from a mixture of heat and sweat,…
If someone had asked her two months ago if she’d…
As she did every morning, Alice awoke with the hope…
As abruptly as the kiss began, it ended when Marcus…
Despite the darkness of the room, when Marie opened the…
When the doorbell rang shortly after three on Sunday afternoon,…
Marcus’s throat constricted at the sound of Alice’s scream. As…
It was time.
Lord God in heaven, could she do nothing right?
For the rest of the week, Alice and Marcus didn’t…
Two weeks later, the storm over Alice’s last feature in…
“Alice.” Her mother’s eyes flashed surprise as she opened the…
As Alice opened the door and entered the theater, she…
“GHB,” the young male doctor explained to everyone in Alice’s…
The morning was cooler than forecast, with a light drizzle…
“Alice Gayle Watson.”
Alice froze as she stepped into the foyer of her house, as if her legs had turned to ice. Her mother never called her by her full name unless she was angry. “Yes, Mama?”
Rosa Watson appeared at the living room entrance. Stepping into the foyer, she calmly said, “This came in the mail for you.”
It was a simple enough statement, nothing to get upset over, but one look at the envelope her mother extended and Alice’s stomach dropped to her knees.
“Thanks, Mama.” She took the letter from her mother, then stepped past her, heading for the stairs.
“Wait one ever-loving second.” The calm voice was gone, replaced by a stern tone.
Alice turned. “Mama—”
“Alice, how many times have we talked about this?”
They never
talked
about it; her mother dictated and Alice listened. But Alice was almost eighteen, almost a high school graduate. Wasn’t it time she made her own decisions?
Telling her mother that was easy when she rehearsed it in the privacy of her own room—but not when her mother was looking down at her with such raw disappointment.
“It’s only a letter,” Alice finally said.
“From the Screen Actors Guild,” Rosa said with contempt.
“It’s just—”
“I know what it is. I opened it.”
Alice’s mouth fell open in shock, but her words of protest died in her throat. Why couldn’t she tell her mother how she felt? That she deserved some privacy and respect?
“It’s a list of agents,” her mother continued, then huffed. “In
Los Angeles
. What are you planning to do, move there?”
Maybe it was her mother’s mocking tone, or maybe the reality that she finally had to make her mother understand. But Alice found the strength to boldly reply, “Yes. Yes, I am.”
Her mother’s laugh was full of pity. “You’re going through with this silly dream of yours to be an actress?”
“It’s not a silly dream. I want this more than anything.” From the time she was little and she’d watched movies on television and the big screen—movies like
The Wizard of Oz
and
The Sound of Music
—she’d known she wanted to be an actress. Movies were magical. They took her to another time and place, gave her a chance to live out the happy
ending she hadn’t found in her own life. She wanted to be a part of that magic. Only her father had understood that, but now he was gone.
“Look at you,” her mother replied, staring down at her with scorn. “Who’s going to hire you, let alone represent you?”
Alice choked back a sob. It was the worst thing her mother had ever said to her. She knew her weight had always been a sensitive issue with her. “I’m gonna work out. Eat better.”
“Oh, Alice. When are you going to learn? You have to stop living in a dream world and face reality.”
Why didn’t her mother believe in her? “I can do this.”
“For someone with a decent grade point average, you certainly aren’t acting like you have the sense God gave you.”
More harsh words, like a knife plunging into her heart. If her father were here, he wouldn’t let her mother do this to her. He would protect her. Yet her mother’s attitude made her even more determined. “I’m going.” Her voice wavered, but she went on. “You can’t stop me.”
Rosa’s eyes grew wide with surprise, then narrowed. “I’m telling you this for your own good, Alice. You’re setting yourself up for failure. Just like you’ve done with Marcus.”
“You don’t know anything about Marcus,” Alice replied, louder than expected. How dare her mother mention Marcus, her one true friend? He was the only one other than her father who believed in her.
“It’s obvious you’re in love with him. But in all this time, has he reciprocated your feelings? You live in this dream world where you actually believe
a boy like Marcus would fall for a girl like you.” Rosa sighed. “You are going to get your heart broken, mark my words.”
Her mother almost sounded like she wished it would happen. Alice stared at her in shock, wondering how they could even be related. Where was her motherly love, her compassion?
At that moment, the phone rang, saving Alice from this horrible conversation. She hustled past her mother to the living room, where she grabbed the receiver. “Hello?”
“Alice.”
She closed her eyes as warmth rushed through her. It was Marcus. What perfect timing. “Oh, Marcus.”
“What is it? What’s wrong?”
He knew her so well. “Everything,” she whispered.
“Why don’t you tell me about it when you see me. Can you meet me in twenty minutes? At Maxi’s?”
“Yes.” She needed to get out of here. “Yes, I can.” She hung up and hurried out of the house, ignoring her mother’s protests that they hadn’t finished their discussion.
Marcus was already sitting at a table when Alice arrived at Maxi’s, a doughnut shop and café, and a local hangout for teenagers. Despite the buzz of chatter from the throng of students, he seemed to sense her arrival and looked up as she entered. He smiled. Just one of his sexy smiles made her entire day.
Every time she saw him, Alice’s heart did a little dance in her chest. He was so incredibly attractive. Six-foot-two, Marcus was athletically built and had smooth, dark brown skin. His black hair was short
and wavy. He had a strong, chiseled jaw and beautiful, thick lips—lips that Alice always wished she could kiss. But his eyes were the most striking feature of his oval-shaped face. Always intense, his eyes were so dark they looked almost onyx.
Alice walked toward him, noting the sneers she got from a group of students, but she ignored them and held her head high. She had Marcus. She didn’t need anyone else.
“Yo, Alice.” Willie Thompson, a fellow senior who picked on her every day, jumped in her path. “When are you gonna go out with me?” His tone was mocking, as were his actions as he folded his hands before her as if pleading. His group of friends at the adjacent table, mostly jocks, howled with laughter.
Suddenly, Willie whirled around, so fast it startled Alice. Marcus had him by the collar of his T-shirt.
“You want to pick on someone,” Marcus said, his eyes black as coal as he glared down at Willie, “pick on me.”
The whole shop went quiet in anticipation of a fight.
Willie held up his hands in surrender. “Relax, man. I was just kidding.”
Marcus shoved Willie toward his table. “Don’t let me have to tell you again.”
It was amazing how Marcus’s expression changed from one of hardness to softness as he moved his eyes from Willie to Alice. Like he had on so many occasions before, Marcus had come to her rescue. “Thanks,” she said.
“No problem.” He placed a hand on her back and led her to his table. “Willie’s a loser. Ignore him.”
Alice wished she could use that excuse for the kids in school who made fun of her simply because she wasn’t pretty and was a little overweight. Including Marcus’s girlfriend, Tanisha. How could he be with someone who was so mean when he was so good?
Tanisha was a cheerleader. Marcus was a star running back for the school’s football team. After weeks of cheering for him from the sidelines, Tanisha had approached him after a game and they’d started talking. Soon after that, they’d started going out. Yes, Tanisha was beautiful, but that’s all she had going for her. Her beauty hid a cruel and manipulative side. Alice always hoped Marcus would see that for himself, but whenever they were together, Tanisha acted so sweet and loving, and Marcus hadn’t yet figured out her true nature.
“What’s going on at home?” he asked as they sat.
She told him about the fight with her mother. “She thinks I’m crazy. That I’m gonna fail.” Her eyes searched his desperately. “Do you think that?”
“No, I don’t. You’re a great actress.”
Marcus’s praise meant so much to her, but her mother’s disbelief had shattered her confidence. “You’re not just saying that, are you?”
He reached for her hand and squeezed it. “I’ve seen you in every play you’ve done in the past two years, remember? When I say you’re good, I mean it.”
“Thank you.” Most recently, Marcus had watched her perform in
Misconceptions,
a play at a local community theater. Her mother hadn’t wanted her to take the acting class—Alice had no clue why—but she’d worked hard and saved her money. In the end, she’d been devastated when the director had
given her the role of Amy, a fat, unattractive kid who was picked on in school. Alice had gone to Marcus, unsure if she should accept the role. He’d been angry at the director’s narrow-mindedness, but had convinced her to do the role because it was a chance to showcase her skills to local agencies. In the end, she had done so well she’d received a standing ovation—and a personal commendation from the director.
“I say go for it.”
Marcus was the only thing that could keep her here in this sorry town where people judged her because she wasn’t model-thin and gorgeous. Even her own mother favored her sister, Marie, over her, simply because Marie was beautiful and she was not. So she had to admit that part of her was a little upset when Marcus didn’t tell her to stay in Chicago, that he would miss her if she went away.
Every so often, Alice wondered if she should risk telling Marcus how she really felt about him. Should she tell him now? Tanisha was supposed to be going to some school in New York to study drama. With Tanisha gone, she might have a chance.
“There’s something I want to discuss with you.” His whole body was tense, his forehead scrunched thoughtfully. What could it be?
“What, Marcus?”
“It’s Tanisha.”
Alice’s heart leapt. It was foolish to immediately feel hope, but she did. God, if she could only have a chance with Marcus, her life would be complete. “What about her?”
“I need your opinion. As a woman.”
“Okay.”
“We’ve been going out for a year and a half now.”
Don’t remind me
. Alice still didn’t understand how Marcus couldn’t see Tanisha for what she was—evil, manipulative, and self-centered. “She’s going to New York, isn’t she? Are you two still gonna see each other?”
“We said we would, but…”
“But?” The hope burned brighter.
“Oh, I should just say this. What do you think about me proposing to her at the grad party?”
Propose?
God, no. Alice’s head suddenly started spinning, like she was being thrown around in a tornado. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t actually consider marrying Tanisha.
Oh, Marcus, you can’t do this. She’s only gonna hurt you.
She’d tried to tell him that before, but he was so in love with the gorgeous Tanisha that he couldn’t see her faults.
“If you were Tanisha,” he continued, “and I asked you to marry me, would you leave for New York? Or would you stay here in Chicago with me?”
Of all the questions to ask. Alice almost couldn’t answer, she was doing everything to keep from visibly shaking. If Marcus married Tanisha, he wouldn’t have time for her anymore. She knew that. Tanisha hated her.
“Alice?” he prompted when she remained silent.
“If it were me?” She met and held his eyes. “Yes, I’d stay wherever you are.”
He didn’t catch her double meaning, but his shoulders drooped with relief nonetheless. “That’s what I thought. I’m gonna do it. Right after the grad party. I can only get her a small ring, but she loves me, right?”
I
love you.
“I don’t want to lose her,” Marcus said determinedly. “She means everything to me.” After a moment, he asked, “Alice, what’s wrong?”
“Hmm? Oh, I’m thinking about my mother.”
“I know, it’s tough. But like I said, go for it.” His lips curled in a small smile. “I will miss you, though.”
She almost wished he hadn’t said that. Not now that he’d told her he was going to marry Tanisha.
“But we’ll keep in touch, right?”
“Oh. Sure.” Alice bolted to her feet. “I’ve got to go.”
Marcus looked at her with concern. “So soon?”
“Yeah. I have to talk to my mother. Work this out.” But she really needed to get away from him.
“Okay then. See you at school tomorrow.”
“Yeah.” Then Alice got out of Maxi’s as fast as she could.
Tears poured down her face as she walked home. It hurt more than it should, but she couldn’t stop the pain in her heart. No, Marcus had never been anything other than a friend to her, but she’d held out hope that one day he would love her.
But now he was going to marry Tanisha…
Reality came crashing down on her, heavy and devastating. Her life wasn’t going to get any better here. No Prince Charming would come along and rescue her from her painful existence. No Prince Charming would ever love her. Not while she was Alice Watson, Chicago’s ugly duckling. Marcus was the closest she’d ever come, and he was in love with someone else.
Her mother’s words echoed in her mind.
You have to stop living in a dream world.
But it was that dream world that had saved her from depression. In her dreams, she always had a happy ending. She had Marcus’s love. When Marcus was simply dating Tanisha, she’d held out hope. A long shot, but hope nonetheless. Now, she had nothing.
The last thing she wanted to do was watch Marcus marry Tanisha and she wasn’t going to stay here and prove her mother right. And she certainly didn’t have to stay in this city where people had hurt her since childhood and would hurt her until the day she died. She was going to make something of herself, put the bad memories behind her—even if it killed her.
Harden your heart.
The moment school was over, she was outta here. And when she left, she wouldn’t look back.
Not ever.
