If Only (35 page)

I notice my family as we
approach the finish line, and Su’s taking photos with my camera. I can’t
imagine how awful I look right now. Their presence gives me a final burst, just
as I was considering walking.

I keep running.

I cross the finish line.

Fucking A!

I’m breathing heavy, my lungs are on fire and my legs
don’t exist, but my grimace becomes a humongous smile. I made it. Goes to show
what a little determination can do for you. Roman and I hug a long, sticky,
breathless one. “Good girl, you did great,” he says, before releasing me.

It’s the evening of the marathon. Su and I are sitting
on a bench at the end of the backyard, watching everyone else interact. Roman,
my dad and my sister’s husband, Chad, are standing on the patio, in
conversation. My mom and Elena are gathered around the table on the deck with
my aunt. My uncle is inside the house with Caleb, and Madison is floating
around enjoying all the attention she gets.

Roman was right, I am happy
I did the run. It’s the greatest physical challenge I’ve ever faced.
Unfortunately, the pride I feel is overshadowed by other emotions.

I feel like I’m on the verge
of my greatest emotional challenge yet, and for more reasons than one.

“I’m coming home, Su.” I
say, feeling a horrible pull in my gut, as I say the words with my gaze trained
on Roman. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I think I’m coming home.”

“You are, or you think you
are?”

“I keep changing my mind. I
thought about calling Joe to get an idea of where his head is at, but it’s
sneaky and dishonest. I won’t do that to Roman – he deserves better. It’s one,
or the other. The problem is it’s been three years, that’s a long time, and in
some ways Joe and I are different people now. I’m scared he won’t feel the same
way anymore, or that the modern day Joe isn’t the Joe I knew. What if I’m
caught up in some kind of romantic fantasy? Does the man I love still exist?”

“Of course he does. You’ve
both grown, sure, but at the core of it you’re still the same people. I
guarantee it, and I’m positive you both still love each other, probably more
because you’ve had to live without each other. You’re soul mates.”

“I never stopped thinking of
him as my soul mate. That’s why I have to do this. You know, like one final
shot. I don’t want to look back and regret this the way I regret never saying
something in the first damn place. If I’d made a simple move like telling
Saffron I liked him, it would’ve changed everything for us. If I’d paid more
attention to the way he looked at me. If I didn’t hide my attraction to him to
the degree I did. There were countless opportunities for me to make my feelings
known in some way and I never took them. When I think about those seven years,
and my first one here, they’re wrapped up in a never ending stream of
if
onlys
.”

Call me brave, or call me
stupid, but I need to find out if I have a future with Joe. As much as I don’t
want to hurt Roman, my heart belongs to someone else and I don’t have any
choice in the matter. I never did. I have to go home.

I have to see Joe.

It’s the evening after my talk with Su. She and my
family left this afternoon, and this is the point when things were to return to
normal.

It’s ironic that today is
also three years to the day my heart was broken.

I’m out on the deck with
Roman, watching him read the newspaper. His lovely golden curls, amazing blue eyes
and mature handsomeness still impress and fascinate me today as much as they
did the day I met him.

When we first got together,
Roman knew that I wanted to return to my family at some point, so I haven’t
made any promises. He also mentioned before our relationship started that he
wouldn’t permanently reside in Arizona. But we’ve lasted almost two years, and
I don’t think either of us expected that. I certainly didn’t foresee everything
I own ending up at his apartment.

We’ve never said, “I love
you,” to each other. We treat each other with great affection and care, but
we’ve never said those three words. We haven’t spoken about kids or marriage.
Maybe that’s why I could live with him, neither of us had any expectations.

It’s been effortless from
day one.

I wonder how much it would
hurt him if I told him right now that I’m leaving. The thought of causing him
any amount of pain cuts through me like a knife, but I know I have to find a
way to tell him.

His gaze moves from the newspaper to me. His lips curve
affectionately, and I smile back at him.

****

Three nights later and I still haven’t told Roman my
plans. I turned down two bookings for next year today, because I know I won’t
be here. I have to talk to him tonight, no matter what.

Pacing restlessly, back and
forth in the living room, I’m calling Su for moral support.

“Hey,
Callie.”

“Hi, Su.”

“What’s up?”

 “I don’t know how to
tell Roman.”

“I know it’s hard, but if
you’ve decided you want to come back then you have no choice, right? Just tell him
the truth; you wanna come home.”

“It’s saying the words. I’ve
tried, but it’s so hard.”

 “I’m sorry that you
have to deal with this, but you just have to do it. It would be different if
you didn’t actually want to come back.”

“Yeah, I know, I can’t keep
delaying it. I’ve decided I have to tell him tonight, but I still don’t know
what to say.” Stopping by the couch, I sit down and instantly get back up and
start pacing again. It wouldn’t be so hard if I didn’t care about him, but I
do.

“You can only be honest. You
totally belong here Callie, with your family, with me, and with Joe.”

“This is going to sound
crazy, but I can’t think about Joe right now. I just want to focus on Roman
first and then leaving. Joe can’t know anything until I’m ready, we don’t even
know how he feels about me –
he
may have been able to move on. I can’t
believe I’m risking everything for him. Does he know about Roman?”

“Yeah, Saff told him. I told
her. Sorry if you’d rather I hadn’t.”

“No, it’s fine. Did he say
anything to her about it?” It’s pathetic and bratty, but I hope he felt
jealous. I sure as hell did when Dane told me about him and Emily.

“She didn’t say he did.” So
what does that mean? Did he care? “You still there?” she asks, gently.

“Yeah, I’m here. Just for
now keep all this to yourself.”

“Okay, I won’t say anything,
but I know you don’t need to be worried. There’s no way he doesn’t love you
anymore. And FYI: he’s definitely unattached. I’m totally stoked you’re coming
back. You can move in with me and Zack if you want.”

“You’re trying for a baby.
Until it happens you need to keep enjoying it just being the two of you. I’ve
saved so much money while I’ve been here, I’ll be leaving with more than I came
with. I’m gonna get my own place and stand on my own two feet. Then I can think
about work. I’m not looking forward to that part, it’s been unbelievable here.”

“You’ll kick ass here, too.
I can even speak to my boss at the magazine; I know they have a couple openings
coming up for photographers. You can do that while starting your own thing up
again. Imagine us working together.” She’s getting excited now. “I’m gonna hunt
for an apartment for you. We can both search the net, I’ll go view them and
send you any additional pictures from my cell.”

“Great
idea.
I’ve got the next three weeks booked out for work, so
I’ll come after those. I’m gonna have to travel on occasion, for bookings I
still want to honor, but there are some I can give to someone I know. I’ll be
there by October, how great is that?”

I can tell she’s jumping
around now. “Yay, dude, this is sooo cool. You’re coming back.
Finally!
”

I giggle at her excitement.
I’m nervous, but more excited than anything. I have no clue what will happen
with Joe, but I’m willing to take the risk.

I have no choice but to.

I’m sitting beside Roman on the couch. He’s reading
the newspaper, and I’m flipping through the TV channels, not seeing a single
thing. I stop on some kind of fishing show.

“Roman, I’m thinking of
moving back home,” I blurt out, staring at the big fish the man is holding up
to the camera. I actually felt a sensation liking to a crack forming in my
heart, as I said those words – I wasn’t expecting that. In my peripheral, I can
see Roman looking at me. “I’ve loved being here with you and knowing you, I
really have ... but I want to be home.”

I see the slow nod of his
head. I look at him, trying my hardest not to cry. I can feel the tears
building up in my eyes. I take a deep breath.

Roman hooks his arm around
my shoulders and pulls me into his side and holds me. That, although kind, is
the worst thing he could’ve done. It’s impossible to fight it now, the dam
lifts and I sob in his arms.

I can’t decide whether
loving Joe is more of a punishment than the wonderful thing I’ve witnessed
between so many other couples. Where I’m concerned, it seems to be causing me
more heartache than anything else. If my heart gets broken a third time – I’m
done for. 

When I can eventually speak,
I tell Roman why I moved to Scottsdale and everything there is to tell about
Joe, and Nick. I make sure he knows that I want to be with my family, too,
although he already knew I missed them. I even tell him that I love him,
because I do.

He’s one of the greatest
human beings I know.

“This may sound a little
crazy, sugar, but I do think you need to explore the possibilities with Joe.”

I pull away enough to see
his face. “You do?”

“Yes, I do.” He lightly
brushes his knuckles against my cheek. It’s so tender it’s almost enough to set
me off again. “You already have a few regrets locked away. This’d probably be
your greatest of all, if you didn’t do it.

“When I stayed in Greece, in
my early twenties, I fell in love with a girl. Her parents were strict and over
protective, their focus was on status. They didn’t feel I was good enough, they
were wealthy and I wasn’t. I was working in one of the local restaurants and I
only planned to stay there a month, before moving on, but then I met Ina. We
fought to stay together, but it was hard. Especially for Ina; she loved her
family, too.

“After a tough time, we
decided to go our separate ways, and I left the love of my life behind. I’ve
always wondered if I gave up too easily, and when I think back, I regret
leaving. As much as I adored my wife, even then, I still had moments of asking
myself if I should’ve fought harder for Ina. Maybe we never would’ve lasted,
but I’ll never know because I didn’t stay and try.

“You’re young and you need to
find out if Joe is still for you. Of course, I’ll miss you and we’ve had a
blast, but I don’t want you to spend the next twenty years wondering if you
should’ve given things another chance. We get one shot at this life,
right?” 

He sounds like Dane. “We
don’t get forever,” he said that night we talked, the night I decided to leave.
I can see it in Roman’s eyes that he still holds those regrets. Such an
unexpected twist in our conversation, we both kept our heartbreak secret.
Sharing them is our final offering.

“Roman, can I ask you
something about your wife?” I’ve never asked him this because I didn’t think it
was right, given my lack of disclosure for being in Scottsdale.

“Sure.”

“Why didn’t you stay
together?”

“She couldn’t conceive
naturally, so we started having fertility treatment. That’s why we moved back
here, it’s where she wanted to be. Gloria always wanted children and it killed
her every time the treatment was unsuccessful. I wanted kids myself, but I’d
have accepted us not being able to have them. I’d have been happy to adopt. It
wasn’t the same for her, and over time we weakened and fell apart.”

“Do you think you’ll ever
marry again?”

“I don’t make plans, sugar.
I just go with it, so who knows. I wouldn’t rule it out.” He shrugs his
shoulders in his typical carefree way. Another one of the many things I like
about him. I snuggle in at his side, and he holds me tight.

“I’m so glad I met you,
Roman. It’s hard to completely regret not expressing my feelings to Joe when
those choices led me here to you.”

“I’m super glad I met you,
too, but you know what, I think we’d have crossed paths anyway. Somehow and in
some way, we’d have been in each other’s lives. I’m certain of that.”

We hug and talk all night, about everything and
nothing, we laugh a lot, I cry some more, but my biggest emotion is gratitude
for meeting such an amazing and inspiring man.

****

A week before I’m due to leave Arizona, Roman shows up
on the doorstep of my aunt and uncle’s house. I invite him in, but he declines.
“I just wanted to ask you something,” he says.