If Only (34 page)

I did have some concerns
already, namely, unexpectedly bumping into Joe. I even had a dream one night
where I was in the grocery store, strolling along with my cart, not looking
where I was going, and then, thump – I walked straight into the back of him.
Just as he started to turn around, I woke up. I didn’t see his face, his eyes.
I was thankful.

A beautiful fucking
nightmare!

Picking up Su’s cell, I
start checking out the photos from earlier in the park. The first picture I see
is the last one I took. “Aww, this is so cute.” I hold out the phone in Su’s
direction, she’s beside me but lying down. The image is of her with Madison and
Caleb. “Three people I love, all together. I’m framing this one.”

“Yeah, I like it, too.”

I keep going backwards
through them, they’re all lovely and I’m so grateful there was an alternative
for me to use to capture these special moments. “This is nice.” I show her the
screen again. It’s her and Zack in their backyard. “I love your new place.” I
wanna
come
visit. Continuing through the images, I
come across two super sweet kids. I don’t know them, but I know who they are.
“Su ... is this?” I don’t need to ask, I can see it.

One boy has lovely chocolate
colored eyes, loose light brown curls and his skin’s the shade of mocha. He has
the most delightful smile, just like his mother; Saffron. I can see Adam in
him; he has his eyes, nose and the same shape face. The male Williams’ features
are a force to be reckoned with.

The other child is one
hundred percent his dad, with the exception of the rich auburn hair. It’s not
black like his dad’s, but he has the same coffee bean brown eyes. He’s exactly
like Joe, in every other way. His hair is cut in the cutest style; short, with
the top brushed forward and trimmed in a neat fringe at the hairline. I can’t
help but wonder whether it was Joe or Emily who picked such an adorable cut.

My throat tightens and my
vision starts to blur. As I blink, a tear trickles down my cheek. 

“I’m so sorry. I forgot that
was in there.” Su reaches out to take the phone from me.

“No, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
I sniffle and wipe my wet face with my hand. I can’t stop staring at him. “Do
you have others?”

“Uh, yeah, just keep going.”

The next one is of Saffron
and her son. “Omigosh, he’s super cute.” I sniff again. “Saffron looks great,
so happy. God, I miss her so much.” Her hair is jaw length, straight and black,
with the ends tinged blood-red. The three of us always shared our hairstyle
intentions with each other. I knew before Su got here that hers would reach her
shoulders and it’d be blonde with black highlights and she’d have horizontal
bangs. I miss the things we all used to share, it’s my fault we don’t any
longer.

“His name’s Nathaniel,” Su
says.

“After Saff and Dane’s dad,”
I whisper to myself. That knowledge warms my heart.

The next picture is another
of the boys together. They don’t know this photo is being taken; they’re
distracted by something that isn’t caught in frame. I view several more, all
just as beautiful. Not a single one with Joe in it. I’m not sure if I’m
disappointed, or happy about that. Not that I need a photo to see him. I only
have to allow myself to think about him. “They’re amazing, Su.”

“Yeah, they really are ...
Joe’s son’s name is Jack.”

I glance at her, but can’t
speak. I’m too overwhelmed. Joe’s son looks just like him and his name is Jack.
These are two pieces of information I didn’t know, until now, and something in
those details has a magnetic pull. I want to know more.

I want to know about Joe.

“How is Joe?”

“He’s good. Loves being a
dad, he’s great at it, too. He see’s Jack all the time.”

“Doesn’t he live with Jack
and Emily?”

 “No … he’s not with Emily
anymore.”

Su is fast asleep, but I’m not. My brain is on full
alert. I’ve got her last words and the image of Jack at the forefront of my
mind.

When I arrived in Scottsdale
it was my chance to be Callie without Joe, but it hasn’t exactly gone that way.
He’s been here all along, just not in the physical sense. I’ve done well at
pretending that wasn’t the case, but now I have to face up to it.

I have a fantastic
relationship with Roman, and I want it to work. It was working. Even better
than I thought it would. But when I saw Jack’s photo I felt something I wasn’t
expecting. When Su told me Joe is not with Emily anymore what I felt was
profound. There’s a pull toward Joe that wasn’t there two hours ago. Ignorance
was bliss, now I know too much.

Now I feel too much.

Even seeing Saffron I was
drawn to her. I’m appalled at myself for cutting her out. Su said she
understands, but I’m not okay with it. I wish I could’ve been strong enough to
keep my friends. I wish I’d been strong enough to stay in San Francisco. I wish
I didn’t love Joe so much. No, I wish I’d told him in the beginning that I love
him. If I had, I wouldn’t have experienced any of the hurt, and we’d have been
together all along. 

Sighing heavy, I close my
eyes. Regret is one hell of an emotion. 

“Still
awake?”
Su says.

“Yeah.”
I open my eyes and see only the ceiling above me,
slightly illuminated by the silver moonlight.

“What’s up?”

“I can’t stop thinking about
Joe.”

She turns onto her back and
clasps my hand, resting on top of the blanket. Our fingers interlink. “I’m
sorry about the photos, I should’ve thought.”

“It’s not your fault. You’ve
been super supportive, Su, you haven’t even mentioned his name. You’ve been the
best.”

She sighs. “I’m still sorry.
I hate seeing you upset. So … what’ve you been thinking?”

“That I’m not over him. Not
that I didn’t already know that. Seeing his son and knowing he isn’t with Emily
has stirred things up. I was doing
good
, until then,
now I don’t know how to move on knowing this. It was doable when I had no
choice. I’m not saying I do now, just because I still love him it doesn’t mean
he feels the same way about me, but it was easier to accept things when I
didn’t have a choice. I also didn’t expect be so ... okay with seeing his son.
It’s not just
somebody’s
kid, he’s Joe’s.”

“I don’t know the details of
why he and Emily didn’t work, but they’re good friends. Jack is what’s most
important to them and they work together so he has stability. I’ve spoken to
her, she’s nice. She felt bad about you and Joe, she felt responsible. I liked
her because she seemed to care about that, she even apologized to me because of
you being gone. This might sound weird, but you’d actually like her.”

When I think of Emily, I
remember how scared and nervous she was that day she came to the condo. The
situation was awful for all three of us, but I was the one with the freedom to
walk away.

And that’s exactly what I
did.

“I know Joe was spending
time with someone else, but I don’t know for sure what his relationship status
is right now. He doesn’t get around like he used to, Jack and BlackArt are what
he mainly focuses on. You could totally have him back if you wanted.”

I look at her wide-eyed,
even though it’s dark.
“
Su
.
I wouldn’t just try
to take him from someone else. And I still have Roman to think about. What
we’ve got is good and he’s great. I don’t want to hurt him.”

“But do you love him the way
you love Joe?”

I gaze back up at the
ceiling. “You already know the answer to that. God, this is so hard. Tell me
what to do, Su.”

“I can easily tell you what
to do, but I can’t decide for you.”

“I know,” I whine. “I’m
torn. I enjoy being with Roman, and he doesn’t deserve me to even be having
this conversation with you. But I can’t stop my feelings for Joe and now that
I’ve seen his son and know he isn’t with Emily, I can’t help but feel ...” I
sigh.

“Like you want him? Like
he’s who you should be with? Deep down you know it. I like Roman a lot, but Joe
is who you
should
be with. I haven’t just been going along with you –
I’ve been waiting for you to accept it in your own time. I understood why you
needed to be away from it all, but I knew eventually you’d find your way back.
Now you just have to be honest with yourself.”

“Something always kept us
apart. Look what happened when we eventually did get together. And then when I
called Dane. My heart was broken twice. I can’t take a third time, and it’s
probably inevitable. What if he’s not meant to be mine? Everything happens for
a reason, right?”

“I agree, but I also think
there’s a perfect time for everything. Maybe before wasn’t the perfect time.
Maybe you were supposed to come to Scottsdale for a little while. Maybe you
were meant to be with Roman for a certain amount of time, and run a half
marathon. Maybe now you’ll cope better with Joe as a father than you would’ve
three years ago. Maybe, maybe, maybe ... I could go on all night, but you’ll
never know if you don’t try. Face up to it,
Callie,
you can’t hide out here forever. Everyone you love, including Joe, is in San
Francisco and we’re all patiently waiting for you to come home.”

We lay in silence. All I can
think is that I’m with Roman, but madly in love with Joe – who isn’t with Emily
anymore. Going with my heart would have me back in San Francisco in the twelve
hours it would take me to drive there. Or I could ditch all my stuff here and
fly back sooner. Going with my head, my fears and uncertainties would have me
doing what I did when I was with Nick. All these years later I can’t repeat the
same crap.

But does Joe love
me
anymore?

“Su, you do know I love you,
and you’re amazing, right?”

“Yeah, I’m totally awesome. But it’s easy, you’re the
best.”

It’s the morning of the run, and we’re all gathered at
the start line in downtown Scottsdale. I want this distraction, this torture. I
deserve to be tortured.

I look around at all the
serious runners in their official clothes. Roman’s one of them. I’m wearing
black cropped leggings and a matching tank top. They were traditional until I
funked them up as part of my distraction two days ago. I like my attire, but
I’m already planning on burning these Nikes I have on my feet the first chance
I get.

It’s the final few seconds
before the signal to start will sound. My heart is racing already, I’m so damn
nervous. “Roman, I don’t want to slow you down. If you want to leave me behind,
I won’t be offended.”

“Sugar, I’m not doing this
for the competition, I’m with you every step of the way.” It’s not as though
it’s his first marathon, he’s even done a few full ones, but I still don’t want
to hold him back.

The signal sounds, and a
heartbeat later, out of nowhere, a rush of competitiveness hits me. I feel a
determination I’ve never experienced before, and as we start, I
want
to
do this. Breaking into my stride, alongside Roman, I focus on deep breathing,
in through my nose and out through my mouth.

“Sugar, don’t give too much
here, or you’ll burn out too soon.”

“Okay.” I pull back a
little. I know I’ll make it to Rotary Park feeling okay, that’s our six mile
mark. I’ve done an extra mile in addition to that. Beyond there I don’t know
what will happen, but I’ll be doing my best. I kind of wish I’d gone with
Roman’s suggestions of longer training runs. Hindsight’s a bitch.

And I know all too well
about that.

We get to the ninth mile,
and I’ve held out well, but I can feel the extra demands. Roman is right by me,
running at my pace. Such a good man, I feel so guilty. I’ve spent most of the
night thinking about going home. I don’t want to leave Roman and I love my life
here, but these factors put together still don’t outweigh how much I want to be
with Joe. Surely it’s not healthy to want one person so much. Maybe I should be
seeking professional help!

My legs and breathing are
getting heavier. I’m trying to focus on my air intake, in through my nose and
out through my mouth. Other runners feeling the same and them communicating
that is proving motivational. I’m not the only one going through this torment.

Now we’re at the tenth mile.
“Why am I doing this?” I say, through gritted teeth. My lungs are on fire and I
don’t own my legs anymore. How do people do full marathons? I’ll never watch
San Francisco’s in the same light ever again. A full night’s sleep last night
would probably have helped.

“You’re doing
good
, sugar, we’re almost there.” I decide to reserve my
energy and instead of whining back at him, like I’m tempted to, I stay silent.
We keep going.

“I hate this.” Roman laughs,
but says nothing. I’ve made the odd complaint through miles ten and eleven, and
he’s figured out that I don’t want a reply. I’m just being lame.

“Final mile, sugar,” he
says, as we pass the thirteenth. If I wasn’t hurting so much I’d cheer in response,
although that one mile is no different to when he said, “Four miles left,
sugar.”