If I Never Went Home (15 page)

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Every freaking day is an argument. Today is about the cooking. It is Charmaine’s sweet sixteen party and that means I am out the house. Apparently I should cook beforehand and leave food for Nanny. She going to be alone but I have to boil rice and fry fish for her. You would think her hand break. She going on and on about how since I finish my high school exams that I should be doing the cooking. But I didn’t know that mean if I’m going out I still have to cook before I can go out. When she out doing her church meetings and Bible study and is me alone I make do with biscuit and cheese or open a tin of sardines. This blasted woman want a full meal left on the stove. I told her if she wanted cooked food she could make it herself.

‘Tina, I could never talk to my grandmother the way you does talk to me.’

‘Whatever.’

‘You feel because you nearly sixteen you can behave like a big woman. I have seventy-two years. You should be trying to ease me up now and not making more trouble. How hard is it to make a little bit of food for me, eh? How hard?’

I steups. ‘I still have to do my hair and iron my clothes for tonight.’

‘When I was your age I was bringing money in. Every Friday I used to come and put my whole pay in my mother hand. When she take what she need for the house is only then I get something for myself. I don’t ever tell you to get a job and put one cent towards the house. You have a roof over your head and food in your belly. Since your mother passed, God rest her soul, you never want for nothing.’

‘I said I will get a job. I need a little break first.’

I sat down by the kitchen table and started to undo my two plaits.

‘You ever hear me say that you have to work?’ said Nanny. ‘I glad for you to go back to school and get your A levels or whatever them does call it these days.’

I kept undoing the plaits. ‘Boring. I have zero interest in doing more school.’

‘Your teachers say how you is a bright girl but you don’t apply yourself. You forever distracted.’

Nanny on a roll today.

‘Please don’t go over that again. Results supposed to be out next week.’

‘You have a plan? What you going to do if you don’t get the marks to do A levels?’

‘I’ll find a job.’

‘And is where you getting a job with no qualifications?’

I took up the comb and started pulling it through my knotty hair.

‘Thanks. Thanks a lot. The results ain’t even out and you write me off already. Can’t you stop bugging me all the time?’

‘You going nowhere fast. Your poor mother must be turning in she grave. You uses to be so smart. I remember you reading before you even reach big school. Now is only boyfriend and liming I hearing about.’

That was it. I dropped the comb and went right up in her face.

‘Why you always have to bring up my mother? You think I happy? You think I want to live with you and all your fucking Bible shit?’

The swift slap across my face was a shock and before I know what was happening I got another one. By the third slap I felt the sting. I held on to her hand and twisted it away. She start to bawl for me to stop. I was blue vex.

‘Who you think you slapping, eh? Bitch. What give you the right to slap me?’

Nanny give me one hard look. ‘As the Lord is my witness you are going straight to hell and damnation. Satan have you good.’

I left her right there and slammed the door to my bedroom. Then banging started on the door.

‘You are nothing but a little slut. I take you in when nobody wanted you. Nobody. And this is how you treat me, Tina? You curse your grandmother? You hurt my hand? You take the Lord’s name in vain? This is how you show gratitude for all that I do for you? All the sacrifice I make for you?’

Now she bawling and crying like somebody from church dead. I wish she would shut the fuck up.

With the sticky afternoon heat and all the craziness I must have dozed off because next thing I wake up and hear one set of pounding on my door.

‘Tina, come out here now! You hear me? Open this door right now!’

Oh great. The old bitch only gone and put Aunty Indra in the mix now, so I ain’t getting no peace. I opened the door and Aunty Indra was standing outside with hands on her hips like she is some bad woman.

‘Tina, get yourself in the living room right now. I have a few words to say to you.’

I hope she not going to be too long. I still have to iron my clothes for the party. She and Nanny sit down on the sofa and I sit down opposite in the armchair.

‘I hear something from your Nanny that I can’t believe. You hurt your Nanny hand and then you curse her using the B word and the F word? Tell me that is not true.’

Nanny started to cry again. I don’t have nothing to say.

‘Answer me, Tina. Did you do what Nanny tell me?’

‘Yeah. But she slap me hard first. Three whole times. Across my face. What I suppose to do? Stand there and take the blows?’

‘What make you feel you can hit my seventy-two year old mother and curse her? You just a pissing-tail little shit. I feel like knocking you down but your Nanny tell me to spare you.’

I am thinking she should shut up. Stupid.

‘We have put up with all kind of bad behaviour from you that this family has never seen before. We had the shame when the principal call us in because you cut school and went liming with a boy. You take money we give you for school books and buy headphones. I didn’t even know headphones could cost so much. But you crossed the line today, Tina. You crossed the line. I don’t want my mother to have to deal with this kind of abuse in her old age. She should be taking it easy now and instead look how you have her in tears.’

I choked. Whatever happen I am not going to give her the satisfaction of seeing me cry.

‘I never wanted to live here in the first place,’ I blurted out.

Aunty Indra ain’t missing a beat.

‘And where you think you was going to live? If Nanny didn’t take you in, out of the pure goodness of her heart, you would be in an orphanage. You wouldn’t have a decent house and your own room and everything you need. You don’t appreciate the sacrifices people make for you.’

   I stopped listening. Aunty Indra was going on and on. All she wanted was to see me cry. Fuck them. I have to find my father and move in with him. He will want me no matter what. They must know who he is and out of bad-mind they keeping it from me. They can’t stand to see me happy. I will find him. If it’s the last thing I do I am going to find him and leave these damn backward people alone.

Before Aunty Indra left she banned me from going to Charmaine’s birthday party. She really think she can ban me from my best friend’s sweet sixteen? I texted this guy Ken who is so cool and he said he will pick me up around eleven. Best to make real sure Nanny sleeping. Besides, no good party does get going until about eleven thirty.

And man, it was a party and a half. They had it around the swimming pool with a bar on one side and a dance floor on the other. Lanterns were hanging from the trees and flashing disco lights made the dance floor look like they expecting John Travolta to make an appearance. Everything was perfect. And Charmaine looked like a princess in this tight strapless maxi dress. All the cool people were there. Oh, the cake. Wow. It had two layers – like a wedding cake with beautiful pink roses tumbling down one side. If you dreamt about how to do your party you would want it to be like hers. My sweet sixteen is next month and I will be lucky if I get so much as a cake and then it will be the same fruit cake Nanny always bakes at home no matter what the occasion. They don’t care that I hate fruit cake.

*

Results coming out today. Aunty Indra pull up nine o’clock on the dot for us to go to the school and hear what I get. I don’t care because I am no Priya with her straight A grades. She’s already doing her A levels and always making out that she’s better than me. And Nanny forever telling people how proud she is of Priya and calling Priya her favourite granddaughter. You ever hear her say a good word about me? Hell will freeze over first. I am just the orphan they pick up from the garbage.

I passed five subjects. I got a B in English Language and four C grades in English Literature, Maths, History and Geography. I didn’t expect to get Geography. The Geography teacher never explained anything in a way that you could picture it in your head. Still, I taking my C and run. Charmaine and her mom were there. She did better than me, as expected, but then again she did go for extra lessons six days a week. She got five B grades and three As and was waiting to see the principal about doing A levels. Aunty Indra was talking to Charmaine’s mom, no doubt telling her how useless I am. Then all of a sudden I heard her shouting.

‘Tina, come here!’

We were in the courtyard and Aunty Indra’s voice was so loud and so sudden it wasn’t only me who turned around.

‘Yes, Aunty?’ I said walking fast so she would stop talking loud.

‘Come here,’ she said, looking me hard in the eye. ‘Charmaine’s mom was just telling me about the birthday party and I want to hear it from you.’

Christ. Why today? Why here in front everybody? I looked down.

‘Answer me when I speaking to you. Did you go to Charmaine’s birthday party last Saturday?’

I didn’t say anything.

‘Didn’t I specifically ban you from going because of how badly you behaved towards your Nanny? These people know how you curse your grandmother using the F word?’

It seemed like the whole courtyard had stopped what they were doing and were checking out the action my family providing.

‘I’m asking you again. Did you go to the party when you were told not to?’

‘Yeah,’ I said softly. I was trying hard to hold back the tears but they had begun plopping directly on the ground in front me.

‘How did you get to and from the party?’

I kept my head down.
‘Ken drop me.’

‘Ken who?
And how old is this man you know with car?’

Charmaine’s mother stepped closer in and tried to put her arm around Aunty Indra’s shoulders.

‘Indra, is okay. Ken is a nice boy. I sure nothing happen. And Tina behave herself in the party. I didn’t see any kind of foolishness.’

Aunty Indra shook herself free. She squeezed my upper arm real tight and her long nails dug into the soft bit of flesh you have underneath your arm.

‘You are a disgrace, you hear me? A damn disgrace. You sneak out the house to go in car with a man none of us know from Adam?’

People were coming up closer, not even bothering to hide their interest in Aunty Indra’s performance. I was crying as quietly as I could.

‘You are a total disgrace, Tina, and from the looks of these grades you’re a dunce too.’

Aunty Indra was breathing hard and started rubbing her temples.

‘Well, you could say goodbye to all your friends right now because you not seeing any of them again. Everybody else going on to better themselves. You will have to find a job fast because if you think you getting a single dollar more from me you think wrong. Now come on.’

She pulled me by the arm and marched me out the school gates. Everyone was watching. Even if I had the grades to stay on, I could never come back to this school.

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

The very thought of burying her father exhausted Bea. She was drained of emotional energy and unable to sleep in spite of acute tiredness. By five o’clock she was wide awake, dreading another day of constant visitors paying their last respects. The wakefulness was complete: she knew it was pointless trying to sleep, so she sat outside on the balcony. The cool morning breeze whipped through her thin cotton nightshirt, but she didn’t mind. Spread out below in twinkling lights was a map of still sleepy Port of Spain.

 Mira had bought this house almost two years before Bea left for university, but it had never felt like home. Her bedroom had been hastily converted into an office. For this unexpected homecoming, her mother had done everything possible to make the house on the hill welcoming. But Bea could never trust that the house would always be there for her to return to if she was weary or down on her luck.

She wanted nothing more than to quietly enjoy the breeze, but the congestion of thoughts in her mind got thicker and louder and the tears began to flow. This grief was like nothing she had ever felt. It was pure acid that burned straight through flesh to bone. Yet it seemed unreal, as if it was happening to someone else. Other wretched losses had been mere rehearsals for the heart and mind to survive this loss.

Mira came out, took one look at Bea’s tear-stained face and offered to make what she remembered as her daughter’s favourite breakfast of fried bakes and saltfish buljol. Bea wondered if this truce would have occurred without her father’s death. Soon she was following a comforting aroma into the kitchen – onions, garlic, tomatoes and saltfish, sizzling in hot olive oil.

‘You want Lipton tea while you waiting?’ asked Mira, looking up from stirring the pot.

Bea nodded. ‘Thanks.’

‘Ten minutes and I go done frying these bakes,’ said Mira. ‘You think Michael will eat bake and buljol or I should make eggs and bacon for him?’

‘No, I’m sure he’ll eat anything.’

‘It’s real nice to see him after all these years.’

‘Yes,’ Bea said. ‘It must be fate.’ She looked around the compact, tidy kitchen. ‘Can I help?’

‘No, man. You sit down. Is not every day I get to make breakfast for my one child.’

Bea took her mug of tea into the living room and snuggled into an armchair. ‘You know what’s happening today?’ she asked.

‘I think they taking clothes to the funeral parlour. They will bury him in a suit and tie. And they have to meet with Father John to finalise the service. Tonight is wake as usual.’

‘You don’t have to go if you don’t want to,’ said Bea.

‘I don’t mind. I had nothing against your father.’

‘Funny how Granny Gwen loves you now that you’re not related.’

‘Maybe that’s why,’ said Mira. ‘And she softening up in she old age.’

They heard the gate click as it was opened, then a dull thud as something crashed on the paved driveway.

‘That was the van dropping today’s papers,’ said Mira.

‘I’ll get it,’ Bea volunteered. ‘What do you take?’

‘The
Guardian
and, as it’s Friday,
Trini Expo
should be there too.’

Bea stepped out in bare feet on the cool paving stones. She found the papers in the middle of the driveway, tied together with string. She untied the bundle. The
Guardian
was headlining a new offshore drilling site to be developed by an American oil company. An opposition senator claimed that the deal was corrupt. If forced, he was prepared to name the government officials involved.

She sat in the armchair, flipping through the rest of the slim paper. Prominently positioned on page three was a photograph of a pretty young woman in gown and mortar. Proud parents announced that Michelle Ali had obtained a Bachelor of Science degree from Florida State University. Bea saved her favourite part of the paper, the classifieds, for last. A Christian lady was looking for work caring for the elderly or operating a bread van. A holy man with psychic powers, direct from Chennai, would be in Trinidad for the next two weeks only and available for personal consultations, including matters of marriage, dealing with enemies and financial security.

‘Food ready,’ called Mira. ‘You eating now or you go wait for Michael to come down?’

‘I’m eating while it’s hot.’

‘Well, come in the kitchen then,’ said Mira. ‘And bring the papers with you.’

Bea continued reading and could not help laughing out loud at the adverts. ‘There’s one here for special oils that you can buy to cleanse yourself, including Money Drawing Oil, Man Trap Oil, Boss Fix Oil and wait, the Oil of Oils, Influence and Victory over Evil Oil. All available in small, medium and large.’

They sat at the small square Formica table, scrutinising the papers together and relishing the feast Mira had prepared.

Bea remembered she’d left the other paper in the living room. ‘Let me get
Trini Expo
,’ she said, getting up from the table. ‘I haven’t looked at that rag in years.’

‘
Trini Expo
does tell you what really going on,’ said Mira.

Bea picked it up from the arm of the chair where it had been tossed. Across the front page was splashed a colour photo of two crumpled cars slotted together. In the top right-hand corner was an inset of a dead man’s face awkwardly squashed on the smashed windscreen. The words and picture merged together. All Bea saw were white and black dots. Her hands shook and then her world went blank.

Mira heard a thud as something heavy hit the wooden floor.

‘Bea!’

Mira bent over her. Bea’s eyes opened slowly. She opened her mouth to speak but no sound escaped. Mira saw the paper clutched in her hand and prised it out of her fingers.

‘Oh me Lord,’ cried Mira. ‘Oh Father in heaven. Oh my God, look what they put in the papers! Oh, Jesus! How they get that picture?’

She helped Bea into the armchair.

Michael came rushing down the stairs.

‘What’s happening?’ he asked frantically. ‘I heard shouting.’

Mira trembled. ‘What kind of people would take out a picture so and put it on the front page? Who would do a thing like that?’

‘Mira? Bea, you all right?’

‘The papers,’ said Mira in a hollow voice. ‘Look, Michael.’ She pointed to the newspaper. ‘Take it away. I can’t look at it again.’

Michael picked up the paper.

‘This is disgusting,’ he said, putting his hand over his mouth. He looked at Bea slumped in the armchair and reached for her hand. ‘It’s okay. You don’t have to see it ever again.’

Mira steadied herself and sank onto the sofa. They sat silently while
Trini Expo
’s colour photos were created and recreated a million times behind their eyes.

Michael broke the spell with a deep sigh. ‘Can they do that?’ he asked Mira. ‘It can’t be legal to publish those horror pictures.’

‘Who going to stop them, eh?’ asked Mira. ‘This is the kind of thing people want to see when they buy the paper. They do this all the time. Once on TV they even show the rape of a disabled child. Trinidadians get accustomed to this violence, day in day out. It don’t bother them any more.’ She stood up. ‘Oh God, I better phone by Granny Gwen. The old lady go drop down dead if she see this first thing in the morning.’

She rushed off to the phone in the kitchen. From her side of the conversation it was clear that Uncle Robin, who was staying with Granny Gwen, answered and had already seen the paper and hidden it from his mother.

‘Robin, if I was you I would sue they ass,’ Mira said. ‘It might be news but that is people family and you can’t treat people so. Look, Bea fall down and faint when she see the picture. Is a lucky thing nothing else ain’t happen to she. You tell me if these people them have a heart. What, them ain’t have a father or a brother too?’

There was a pause.

‘Well you never think it going happen to you, eh,’ said Mira. ‘How you going make sure Granny Gwen don’t see it at all, at all?’

Again there was a pause.

‘Okay,’ said Mira. ‘Well, try, boy. Do what you have to do. You want me come and stay with Granny Gwen while you see them? I done bathe and dress.’

Another pause. ‘You sure Doris coming now? If you not sure, I go be there in two twos … All right, then. Later.’ Mira hung up.

She took her time coming back into the living room. ‘Bea, you okay? You want water? You want to lie down? Come lie down. The shock have to work itself out of your system.’

‘No,’ said Bea. ‘What are we going to do about this? They can’t get away with it.’

‘Your Uncle Robin say he going straight to the head office,’ said Mira. ‘Let’s wait and see what they have to say.’

‘Have you ever seen anything like that before?’ asked Bea.

Mira sighed. ‘I was telling Michael, the truth is they does run picture like this in the papers all the time. Mind you, not bad like this one showing everything. A man get shot in the road and you will see a picture with the man right where he fall down and dead. People think is normal to see that on the TV and in the papers. Is just another shooting or a stabbing. That is why we living with burglar-proofing bars on the windows.’

Mira turned to look out the window. ‘I don’t like to keep dog, but even I thinking about getting one for protection as is me alone living here.’

Michael sighed. ‘It’s going to take more than a guard dog to live here with any sense of security.’