If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (132 page)

“Your mother used to drink. A lot,” she continues.

“What are you talking about Lauren?”

I look back at the son of a bitch Clay.

“What the hell is she talking about?” I snatch the tape off of his mouth and he gasps for air.

“Talk and talk fast,” I growl at him, the gun still at his face.

“She didn’t used to drink. Before you were born your mom was a CNA. She got a job through the welfare programs at this big hospital in the city. She was the happiest I had ever seen her. Our family was actually doing okay…”

“You’re on a time clock,” I say impatiently.

“A-after a few months there she started having a lot of extra money. She started having these fancy clothes and jewelry. I’m not the smartest man in the world but I knew that wasn’t coming out of her check. I knew something was going on but I never said anything. She was happy, we were happy. Then she got pregnant. She lost her job but she kept saying everything was going to be okay. That we would be taken care of. After you were born whatever she was waiting on never came through. She got real depressed, started drinking a whole lot, she was only sober half the time,”

“You’re lying,” I growl at him, releasing the safety on the gun

“Listen to him Cal!” Lauren screams at me, and
poor
Clayton starts to cry.

“Do you want to know how we adopted you?” William shouts.

“We had wanted a baby for so long. Everyone knew it, even my estranged stepfather! Dexter Crestfield Sr. brought you to our door. He told us that you were his illegitimate son whose mother killed herself.”

“You’re lying!” I shout.

“I’m not. Call Gwen. She’ll confirm it,” he says, ushering out his phone. I look over at Lauren.

“That’s why Collin asked for a third of his company. He remembers what you don’t. He knows you’re Dexter’s son,” Lauren pleads.

No. No, fuck, no!

“Okay let’s say you’re right. I’m Dexter Crestfield’s fucking son. This asshole found out she was sleeping with him and he shot her for it,” I yell at them.

“No. That’s not what happened,” Clayton says crying like a little girl.

“No Cal,” Lauren pleads. Think. Please try to think. I feel dizzy, my thoughts crash together and my vision blurs.

Instantly I’m back at the house, this time she’s alive. She’s drunk. My mom... I’m on the floor watching television. She’s yelling at someone on the phone.

‘You lied to me. You ruined my life. You promised you’d take care of us. I see your little ugly fucking kid whenever they show you on the news. How could you not love ours…you don’t love him, if you did you’d get me out of this hell hole….I don’t give a shit about a trust fund for him, we have to live now. I won’t keep living like this!

I rub my temples, I feel my heart pounding.

She’s drinking more and more. Soon goes in her room. Me and two other kids are in front of the TV. I get up and open the door to her room. She’s sitting on the bed bawling.

I ask her what’s wrong.

“Nothing. I have a toy, you want to play with it?” she asks me. Her voice is so sweet and nice. It hardly ever is. I nod my head and she goes in a drawer and pulls out a gun. She kneels down on the floor in front of me. It’s heavy but she helps me hold it.

“Were going to play a game. When I count to three, you’re going to pull this, okay,” she says showing me the trigger. She then aims it at her chest.

“One, two…”

I drop the gun out of my hand.

“I killed her? I killed my mom,” my chest feels tight. I can’t breathe.

“Babe it’s okay,” Lauren says, running over to me and hugging me. I cry so hard I’m shaking.

“It’s okay babe. You were only a baby,” Lauren says rocking me like I’m a baby now. I killed my mother. I almost killed an innocent man because I was wrong. I killed her. I’m a murderer.

“I found you, in the bedroom. She called me right before it happened and told me everything. How she had an affair with Dexter Crestfield, that he promised to marry her and take care of her the rest of her life and he didn’t and that you were his son. She said she couldn’t live in squalor anymore. That you and your brothers and sisters were better off with her dead. I tried to get home as fast as I could. When I did it was too late. I figured out what had happened.” Clayton’s voice explains but it doesn’t matter.

Everything I believed, that I held on to was a lie…

Except her. She’s my truth.

I
t sucks when you have to be filled in on things that happen in your own life. When the transition finished Lauren and Dr. Lyce filled everything in for me. How it turns out I’m actually a Crestfield. It still makes me cringe to think about it.

How my birth mother was so sick she used me to kill her. Clayton, her husband, eventually told them she grew up Catholic and believed if she killed herself she’d go to hell. I wonder how much better off she thought she’d be having her five year old do it for her. He also told us Isabella left a note with Dexter Sr. information in it the day she killed herself. Clayton called Dexter Sr. and told him what had happened. Dexter Sr. came and had everything, right down to the last detail, swept under the rug. Clayton says he told him family had always been important to him and he had to know his son was taken care of. Can you believe that? Dexter also gave him a pretty nice chunk of change for him to disappear with my half brothers and sisters. Dexter had to keep everything quiet since at the time he was married and the pre-nup would be void if infidelity could be proved.

It made perfect sense for him to give me to my parents since my mom couldn’t have children, she couldn’t care less what led to the mysterious circumstances of Dexter bringing a child to their door. My dad wanted to make her happy and Dexter purchased the land that they lived on, which they wouldn’t have been able to buy for years.

Collin, the other guy inside my head, it turns out had been popping up on occasions long before he made his presence known to Lauren. He was the one who told the Crestfields about Cal and how he needed their help when Cal surfaced and took over. The Scotts thought all along it was Cal who reached out to them and Collin was the one who took over after Cal’s break and started talking to Helen in these sessions I’ve had to take over for.

We’ve been in therapy the past few weeks. After everything happened with Cal trying to kill Clayton Rice I guess he needed a break because I woke up and Lauren explained everything that had happened. To think how many lies were hidden from both of us, and the fact that I have a whole other alter that not even my parents or Helen knew about is mind boggling. Therapy has been going okay. I still feel numb a lot, like a part of me is missing. Lauren is great, there each step of the way. My mom has been staying with us the past two weeks. I’ve even talked to my dad one or two times. I’ll have to slowly try to build that relationship back, if it even can be rebuilt. Helen’s recommended that I try to avoid anything that brings on stress or anxiety to me and to try not to think about it until our sessions.

I’ve started to have more memories of Lauren and me when Cal was in control. They’re not as frequent as they were but they’ve been coming back slowly but surely. Lauren comes to these sessions sometimes but Helen asked that today it just be me.

“Okay Christopher, before we begin I want to show you something,” Helen says turning on the big television in her office.

“Are we watching another testimonial?” I ask her, trying to sound more interested than I am. At first it was interesting watching videos of other people with DID share what their experience has been like. The hardest part was listening to how their family members cope with it. So much sacrifice everyone has to make, it makes me feel guilty.

“Not today,” she says. And I look up and see myself on the screen.

“So, we on?” The moment I hear the voice I know it’s not me. It’s him. He lets out a deep sigh and sort of leans over his knees.

“It’s me. The guy you think made your life a living hell, right?” he laughs. “Well if you think that you’re fucking delusional—without me, Caylen and Lauren wouldn’t be in your life. You’d probably be married to that stuck up bitch Jenna.”

“Cal, come on, you said you’d be nice,” I hear Helen’s voice in the background. He rolls his eyes and huffs.

“Okay, let me get straight to the point. I want to do right by Lauren. I left her once because I thought I was doing the right thing. I wanted her to have someone better than me,” he says solemnly.

“Well not better, because let’s be honest it doesn’t get any better than this, but more responsible, reliable who didn’t have the shitload of baggage we do,” he shrugs.

“I never wanted for Lauren to know you. It always seemed like everything in life came so easy for you. I thought you’d be easier for her to love than me,” he continues. It’s one thing for you to hear a recording of yourself and not recognize your voice or remember saying the words but to see it, to watch yourself, it hits you that this is real.

“Since I met her. Before I officially met her, I’ve been trying to fix things for her. Make things right, give her everything she deserves,” he sighs.

“She doesn’t deserve us fighting against each other. Telling her to pick and choose all the time. Confusing the hell out of Caylen when she gets older,” he shrugs.

“You are the responsible one. The selfless one. You could be a good dad. But God, sometimes you’re a fucking pussy man,” he says with a groan.

He’s such an asshole.

“I mean you are, and I can’t leave my girls with someone who acts like a pussy.”

“I want to give her something she always wanted. I sure as hell can’t do it by myself. But maybe both of us together, we can give her the prince charming she deserves,” he says.

“Helen and I have been talking and I’m starting to think maybe this integration thing won’t suck ass completely. So what do you say Chris? You in, or you going to pussy out?” he asks cockily.

I don’t care what he says. I’m not a pussy.

A
new start.

That’s what he asked for. I told him no, because I don’t think we need one. Our history wasn’t the best but it’s made us who we are. Each and every bumpy step of the way, has made us who we are today.

When he got on one knee and asked me to marry him again—that I agreed to.

We thought there was no better way to start, than renewing our vows on a beautiful July day on my Aunt Raven’s property. I glance over and smile at Aidan and Hillary who, as it turns out, had been secretly dating since they met at the disaster of a dinner party, at the Scotts. Raven sits proudly next to the man she’s been seeing, they may be walking down this same aisle next. Angela is next to her holding Caylen, whose hand is intertwined with Stephen’s. It turns out that I was never his perfect girl but Angela seems to be. I look back at Mr. Scott who did the honor of walking me down the aisle.

It’s funny how time and life changing events can heal wounds. Well, some of them. He and Mrs. Scott are separated, they are working on their friendship even though Gwen plans on proceeding with the divorce. Mr. Scott is hoping she changes her mind. However, I can’t imagine how Gwen can since he’s actively involved in his daughter, Willa’s life. I tried to get Lisa to come to the wedding but she respectfully declined. My husband still hasn’t forgiven her so it’s probably for the best, even though he has warmed up quite a lot to Willa, who is our flower girl.