If I Break THE COMPLETE SERIES Bundle (103 page)

“You were trying to get rid of Chris?” I ask hesitantly.

“Trust me, he’d do the same thing in a second if he had the chance,” he says. A statement I know for a fact is true, which makes this situation even more messed up.

“The day I left you…” Cal pauses as if trying to gather his thoughts. “It was the first unselfish thing I’d ever done. I thought I was doing the right thing. I didn’t know you were pregnant. I never would have left if I knew that.”

I look into the eyes I fell in love with a thousand times over and, as mad as I am, those same feelings are all still there. I sit up and move closer to him on the bed.

“Why didn’t you tell me? How could you not trust me?” After everything that happened that’s what hurts the most. He didn’t trust me to love him, to not give up on him, on us.

“Because I was trying to let you go,” he says, bluntly, his voice stern and unwavering. He lifts his head, his eyes leave mine and sweep over me, drinking me up as if he’s been dying of thirst.

“You deserved better than
this
,” he says, letting out a long sigh.

“Do you think I would have left you if you told me? You should have given me a choice!”

“There wasn’t a choice.”

“You’re right! I loved you. There wouldn’t have been a choice other than being with you!”

“Tell me this is what you wanted, a husband so fucked up he can’t even be the same person? That’s what you dreamed of for your life?” He chuckles bitterly.

“It doesn’t matter. I love you. There isn’t a choice for me,” I say, standing and meeting him where he is.

“There’s a choice now,” he says, closing the space between us.

“What are you talking about?”

“Me or Chris?” he says and the words cause every nerve in my body to blaze. My mouth immediately becomes dry and I can’t speak. That isn’t a choice. There is no choice.

“I can’t do that.”

“You can’t?!” He looks up briefly before his eyes narrow in on mine. “You chose him yesterday,” he says, dangerously quiet.

“That was different. He needed to hear that,” I say, feeling tears in my eyes.

“I don’t give a shit what he needed to hear. You fell in love with me. Caylen is
my
daughter. This shouldn’t be a hard decision!” He’s yelling now.

“You’re the
 same
 person, Cal,” I say, grabbing his hand, pleading with him. He severs my grasp before he walks away.

“If anyone knows that isn’t true, it should be you,” he says quietly and my eyes leave his. He
is
the same man. Making some arbitrary choice won’t even matter, it would just hurt…one of them…both of them. Oh my God, this is insane!

“Don’t choose then. I’ll choose for you,” he says, simply nodding his head, an amused grin spreading across his face, one that scares me more than his yelling. He steps away from me, shoots across the room, and grabs a black jacket and keys.

“What does that even mean? Where are you going?” I say, starting to follow him.

“Ask Chris, whenever he gets back,” he says sarcastically, leaving the room.

“No!” I follow behind him, grabbing his arm.

“This. This is what is still wrong with us after everything. You running away, keeping me in the dark not telling me how you feel!” I yell as he continues walking towards the door as if my words and my tears mean nothing.

“I choose Chris!” I yell at him, and those words stop him in his tracks. He turns around and faces me with the same amused grin instead of the angry, pissed-off scowl I was expecting.

“You choose Chris?” he says, stalking towards me. I stand my ground and lift my head to meet his stare.

“You don’t tell me how you feel, you’re mean, you’re self-centered, arrogant and an asshole. I choose Chris,” I say, commanding my voice to steady, putting on my best poker face. Does he know I’m bluffing? That it’s a ploy? He eyes me for a moment and I think he does, because his grin spreads into a full-fledged smile and it makes me nervous. I knew what I said would stop him from leaving but I didn’t expect him to look happy about it. For a moment I wonder if he’s gone and Chris is back in front of me, but that thought leaves as soon as he grabs me by the waist and lifts me up so we’re face to face.

“You’d be bored with Chris in six months,” he says, his lips inches away from mine, the huskiness in his voice reminding me how much I used to crave this man. And there it is, the one thing that Cal wins at, the electricity between us—an overload of energy in the air. The broken man I walked in on is gone and the man that knows me, loves me, drove me to crazy and back is here right in front of me, daring me to not want him. He leans in, his lips touching mine but they don’t pull me into his. Just a touch and my body is going crazy. I’m about to lose it but he drops me back on floor. I land on my feet but stumble because I’m shook, startled, and in a haze.

That’s it?

The haze doesn’t last long.

In a moment, he snatches me forward and I crash against his chest. It’s like an explosion, his hands are everywhere, his lips all over me. My clothes, his clothes, both flying. His kisses are rough but passionate. It’s almost too intense. It’s been so long since I felt him like this. It’s so much, almost too much. My body’s on fire, my skin tingles all over, my stomach is doing flips. I try to catch my breath but he doesn’t give me long before I’m against the wall and he’s inside of me. Why is his touch electric? Why is it so easy for his kiss to cause me to melt?

“Cal,” I can’t help but moan out as he thrusts inside of me. He was just there—well, Chris was just there—but it was so…
different.
Yesterday was gentle and sweet. This—it’s like I’m being stretched, reminded that I haven’t been touched by him in two years and it hurts but, God, it’s the best-feeling pain I’ve ever felt.

“You belong to me. Just me,” he says in my ear as he continues. It’s fast and rough and I can’t keep quiet. I’m so loud. God, I’m afraid everyone on the floor is going to hear me. I try to get my hands out of his grip but he doesn’t let me. He’s moving faster and faster, too fast. I can barely breath, I can’t get enough air but my body can’t get enough of him. I feel it coming on faster and faster. I look up at him helplessly, a smug grin on his face.

“Chris could never do this to you,” he moans in my ear. I close my eyes and bite my lip but it doesn’t help.

“Let’s be honest… There isn’t a choice….You don’t get to choose. I’m the only option,” he taunts me, pushing deeper into me

“Oh my God,” I shriek out as my legs start to shake. It’s happening faster than it’s ever happened before. My hands are finally free and I wrap them around his neck as if I’m holding on for dear life. I bury my head in his shoulder but he grabs my hair and pulls my head back so that I’m forced to look at him.

“I make you feel like this. No one else,” he says as I come apart around him. I can’t even respond. I breathe in as much air as I can, waiting for my body to return to its normal state but, before it does, he’s flipped me around with my stomach against the wall and he’s back inside of me again.

“Cal, wait. Wait,” I pant out but he doesn’t. His hand slips between my thighs and he’s back inside of me again.

“We’re not finished yet,” he says his into my ear as he starts again and, thank God, he’s holding me up because I’m exhausted. Yet my body still manages to come alive, waking up for him all over again. His mouth is on my neck sucking hard, so hard I know it’s going to leave marks and his fingers trace their favorite spot as he pushes into me. His fingers cause the most perfect pleasure I have felt in such a long time.

“Tell me to stop,” he says. One of his hands squeezes my thigh as he goes faster and faster. I can’t even speak, just an indistinguishable moan. I want him to stop but never stop, pleasure and pain crashing against one another inside of me.

“I dare you,” he taunts me. Everything is spinning around me. I’m on a rollercoaster right at the edge of the highest peak

“You and I are much more alike than you think,” he says. He’s already so deep but each thrust feels deeper than the last one. “You’re like Chris on your weakest day, me on your best.” He’s rubbing me faster and faster and I feel it coming again, tears coming just as I’m about to.

“Where’s your fire, Lauren?” he says as I throw my head back and I come down in waves.

“He put it out. But don’t worry, I’ll start it again.” I hear him but his words seem far away. I’m far away, like I’m floating. I just want to sleep but I still feel him. I’m helpless and, as he finishes, his arms wrap around me pulling me back as close to him as possible. I feel like I’ve been both punished and rewarded. I glance back at him, my eyes barely able to stay open. His expression tells me that it was both. I can’t even speak. All I want now is to sleep.

U
nraveling. If I had to describe the state that I’m in, that would be it. I’m coming apart. He made me come apart again and again until I fell into pieces. Pieces he broke me into and threw into the deep-end of what’s now my life, and I’m drowning.

How did I get here? How did I end up in the most complicated relationship I could have ever imagined? I think back to all of those days when I wondered where he was, who he was with, and if he was cheating. Was he was involved in some type of organized crime? I even entertained the idea that maybe he was doing covert missions for the CIA. I was so far off but, as crazy as all those explanations were, any of those things would have been easier to handle.

Now he’s right here next to me and it gives me comfort but it also makes my heart skip a beat. This should be a turning point, but in what direction I don’t know. Where is Chris? I don’t even know if Cal is the one next to me at this point. The last time we had sex, he switched just like that. My life as easy to flip as a light switch.

When I first saw Cal, I couldn’t help but wonder if Chris really was who I slept with or if it was some strange type of mind game Cal was playing. Would Chris sleep with me? If he’s still with Jenna, I can’t see him doing that. I don’t think that’s who he is. But who is Cal? Who is Chris? They’re one in the same but
so
different. Chris is lost but I don’t think that Cal is. Of the two, I think he knows exactly what’s going on. HHe always has and it’s time for answers. If he thought that little display yesterday would shut me up, he has another thing coming. He’s been gone for two years. I felt his loss each of those days and now I need answers, not just for me but for Caylen and for his family.

Last night, it was like he was making up for lost time—two years of us not being together, him not having my body—and yesterday, it felt like he claimed me. He owned me. He had to prove that I was his, to prove that he knew me better and in ways that Chris doesn’t. The thing is, after all the time I’ve known him and the little time I’ve known Chris, I know more about Chris than Cal, and that knowledge alone makes me want to throw up. I’m still hurt that he didn’t tell me the truth and disgusted we’ve fallen right back into our routine—the temporary fix of sex—and I can’t let this happen again. He said I lost my fire with Chris, the spark in me gone. Well if my spark means being a screaming lunatic, no I wasn’t that way with Chris. It was nice, even if it made me feel as if I were walking on egg shells most of the time. I felt like I had to be careful with Chris. He was vulnerable, almost fragile, but what would happen once Chris is broken? Would a broken Chris be Cal? Did I break Chris?