If I Break (33 page)

I settle my head back into my pillow and close my eyes. I hear his footsteps coming near me and in a moment my comfortable position is disturbed as couch cushions are removed from behind me. They’re soon replaced by Cal's hard chest. He’s settling in behind me, one of his arms crosses over my stomach and he pulls me toward him, nestling his head in my neck. A smile spreads across my face. I can’t stop it.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers. He takes my hand, interlocking his fingers between mine, and kisses them. I squeeze his hand but I don’t say anything.

“I’m an ass for earlier,” he says quietly in my ear before kissing me there and I sigh.

I’m still mad but that doesn’t stop the throbbing he’s causing between my thighs. This sucks; my anger doesn’t stop me from wanting him. My sadness makes me want him even more.

“A huge ass,” I relent with a slight laugh.

I turn over on my back and he leans over me. His lips kiss mine slowly, savoring each of them and I kiss him back the same way. I cup his face and he pulls me on top of him. I straddle him and lay my head on his chest. He strokes my back and I feel him trace his signature on me. I can’t believe how much I missed that. He leans up pulling my knees forward, our chests touching, before reversing our positions so I’m now on my back.

“I just didn’t want to argue,” he says, trailing off, trying to excuse himself from his earlier behavior.

“I didn’t want to argue either,” I run my hands through his hair. I missed his kiss, his touch, his scent, everything about him.

“I was going crazy without you,” he says kissing my shoulder and making his way to my neck. “I missed you.” His mouth then nears my ear again. “I’m about to show you how much,” he adds, before his lips trail down my stomach.

I close my eyes and let him have me, my body already revealing how much it missed him. I know that we probably should talk about how--or more importantly,
why--
our first fight occurred but we don’t. At this moment, I just want peace. We both do and we get lost in our first married make-up. Still, this only seems like temporary peacetime, our white flags not even raised--just peeking out from behind our bunker. Deep down, I know this isn’t the end of this battle and I’m content with that. But what terrifies me is the little voice in my head saying this isn’t what happens at the end of a battle but could possibly be the beginning of a war.

March 8th 2013

“I can do this,” I remind myself out loud as I stare at the house in front of me.

I’ve managed to work up the nerve to get out of the car now… if only I can manage to walk up to the front door.

I’m standing here, my legs unable to move. I take in my surroundings. It’s a stark contrast to the city life I’ve become accustomed to. The house is beautiful, as if it’s right out of a Disney movie; the soft yellow paint and huge front porch reminds me of Raven’s back in Saginaw, only a lot bigger. I can’t help but notice the huge barn a few feet away from it; the acres surrounding it are gated off animals.

I stuff my keys in the deep pockets of my jacket as I get closer to the door. I suddenly start to wonder what if no one is home. I climb the few stairs of the porch and take a deep breath before I ring the bell. I take a step away from the door and peer through the window the curtains are opened slightly.

From what I can see, the room is spotless with a fireplace in the center. The warm, honey-colored walls give it a welcoming feeling with a tan sofa and chair surrounding a coffee table. I quickly remind myself that I’m peeping into someone’s home and move back towards the front of the door.

I ring the doorbell again. I notice myself sort of dancing trying to calm my nerves and channel my adrenaline. I ring the bell twice in a row and knock frantically; the composure I had managed to muster earlier is starting to dissolve.

“Maybe no one’s home,” I tell myself and turn to head back down the stairs, but I hear the door open behind me. I stop in my tracks almost afraid to turn around.

“Can I help you?”
his
voice stops me immediately. I don’t even have to turn around to see that it’s him. I grab the railing to keep myself from falling over.

“Cal,” I say so softly that I’m not sure if he can hear me. I turn around and my eyes start to water. I walk toward him slowly, feeling as if I’m going to wake up any second. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him.

When I reach him, face-to-face, he still looks the same, only his eyes are almost all green, gray only intermingled with the dominant green hue. I slowly move my hand to touch his face even though it’s shaking uncontrollably.

“It’s you,” I can’t wait another second to be near him and jump into his arms. It’s been so long since I’ve touched him, too long. All of the questions I have don’t even seem important right now; just that he’s here.

“I’ve missed you so much,” I can’t stop myself from crying. I look up at him waiting for him to say something, but I realize he looks speechless, almost shocked and I notice that his arms aren’t around me.

“Chris who is this?” I look past him to see a tall blonde woman, looking at us strangely.

“Chris?” I say, confused.

“Chris. His name isn’t Chris!” I tell her sharply, anger starting to replace the euphoria of seeing him since I’m now remembering what brought me here in the first place. She frowns at me and then looks at him.

“Who is this?” she asks him irately.

“I-I don’t know!” he answers back to the blonde.

“Who am I? Who are you?” I ask defensively. Then I realize what he just said. My jaw drops in disbelief.

“What?” I say sharply, turning my attention on him.

“I think you have me confused with someone else,” he says, staring at me strangely. My heart drops, joining my jaw on the ground.

“She just started crying when she saw me,” he explains to the woman behind him, seeming more concerned with her than with me.

“What the hell are you talking about?” I ask confused and angry.

“She doesn’t seem to have you confused!” the woman tells him angrily, eying me suspiciously.

“Cal, what the hell are you trying to pull?” My skin heats up; my anger and impatience are about to boil over.

“My name is Chris,” he says, stepping away from me. What is going on?

“Look who are you?” the woman asks impatiently.

“I’m his wife, that’s who I am!” I say angrily, “Who the hell are you?” I ask sharply.

She frowns at me, but then she breaks into a laugh. “Ooh I see. This is a joke. Good one Chris, you almost had me for a minute, but you know I can see right through your pranks,” she pats him on the chest.

“Does it look like I’m joking?” I tell her frantically, a sting of unshed tears forming behind my eyes. She stops laughing. I look Cal in the face, and he’s looking at me as if he has no idea who I am.

“Cal, tell her!” I yell at him, desperately trying not to cry in frustration. This can’t be happening!

“My name isn’t Cal!” his voice raises in a panic.

“Chris, who is she?!” the woman asks him again angrily, the idea of this being a prank now out the window.

“Jenna , I’ve never seen this woman before in my life!” he tries to tell her pleadingly.

“You asshole!” I scream, pushing him. How can this not be Cal! It’s him! It is! It’s his voice! His face! I have the same feeling I have when I’m near him…almost. And I can feel it so much now since I’ve been deprived of it for so long…

“You don’t know who I am now!?” I shout angrily as tears stream down my cheeks. “Well who gave me this!” I ask him sardonically. I pull the ring out of my pocket and throw it at him. The woman scrambles after the ring and inspects it.

“Chris, this is a wedding ring!” she shouts, thrusting it in his face.

“I’ve never seen that before in my life! I’ve never seen her in my life!” he yells, pointing at me as if I’m a stranger. He’s in a clear state of panic, almost matching my own.

“Chris, don’t lie to me!” she screams at him.

“She doesn’t even know my name! She’s crazy!” he yells back at the woman. She looks at me, trying to determine who the liar in this. His facial expression softens, and he moves towards her, taking her hand.

“Jenna, I swear to you. I have no idea what she’s talking about,” he pleads to her more calmly.

I begin to laugh hysterically. I’m about to vomit. I have to be dreaming. This is a nightmare, this can’t be happening! “Who the hell is she to you? This is why you left? Is this who you left me for?!” I say through my tears, snatching his arm.

“He’” she snarls at me. I begin to laugh again covering my face as I step back from the couple. I shake my head in disbelief consciously chuckling. I have to laugh because if I don’t I’m going to fucking explode. I feel myself boiling, and finally, I spill over.

“How the hell can he marry you, when he’s still married to me?!” I shout gripping my head. My chest is so tight and my head is pounding.

“I don’t even know you, who are you? How do you know me?” he asks me angrily.

“All of this time, all of this time you’ve been lying to me and now… Now! You act as if you don’t even know who I am!” I begin to cry hysterically.

“You swore to me this wasn’t about another woman. You fucking asshole!” I continue cursing the entire time. This son of a bitch doesn’t deserve anything from me. I turn and stomp down the steps towards my car, “I want a divorce!” I shout over my shoulder.

“I never want to see you again! Don’t you ever come near me or Caylen again! I’ll send your shit through Dexter, I want it all out of my house!” I growl viciously at him.

“How does she know Dexter? How the hell does she know Dexter, Chris?” I hear the woman yell.

“I don’t know Jenna, this has to be a joke!” he says through panicked laughter. Joke? I turn back around and head up the stairs.

“Joke! I’m a joke? You think ruining my life was a fucking joke!?” I run back up the stairs and push and hit him with all the energy I can muster and he tries to restrain me. Jenna interjects, “Get your hands off of him!” she screams, attempting to tug me away from Cal.

She has a firm grip on my arm. My anger is in complete control and I push her back violently, one of my hands land directly on her face and she losses her balance, she looks surprised and a second later she’s rushes back toward me. If she wants a fight she picked the right day for it! Cal jumps in the middle of us. Juggling me on one side and restraining her on the other.

I start to feel hot and my vision becomes blurry. How could I believe him after all of these years? He never loved me; this woman in front of him, who he so desperately wants to believe him… he loves her.

A man comes out of the house. He looks bewildered by all the chaos. “What’s going on here?”

“This psycho attacked us!” the blonde yells finally settling down in Cal’s arm.

“This has nothing to do with you!” I catch my breath trying to compose myself at her ridiculous accusation. If anyone is crazy it’s them!

“This was between me and my husband!” I retort.

“What?” the older man asks in confusion.

“Tell her, dad, she doesn’t believe me!” I hear Cal say. The rest of what he says becomes a drone as I’m overcome by dizziness. I’ve got to get out of here. I can’t with this anymore, I feel like Jerry Springer is going to walk out unto the porch at any moment. I start to head back to my car, but my legs feel weak and everything begins to spin around me and…

***

I open my eyes and my vision is blurred at first, but things slowly come into focus. I touch my temples; my head is still pounding as if someone is beating me on the head with a hammer.

I look around and see that I’m in a den; the warm fireplace in front of me is glowing brightly. I look toward the window and see that it’s completely dark outside except for the glowing porch lamp. And as I look through the clear glass, I begin to realize that the events from earlier weren’t a dream, that I haven’t imagined them.

I try to stand up, but my knees feel wobbly, resulting in a quick return to my sitting position. I see my purse sitting on the table in front of me. I wonder how I got in here. I look towards the door and realize that now’s my chance to make a break for it, to get out of this horrible situation I’ve thrown myself into but I know that the answers I need are in this house. I never thought things would go like this. Never in a million years did I ever think I would I almost fight another woman over the man I loved especially one who was claiming to not even know me.

…Engaged. How could I have been so stupid? All of his words his promises, lies, every single last one of them and still what hurts the most is the way he acted… as if he didn’t know me. As if I meant absolutely nothing to him. And what tears me up inside… about the way he acted… he did it so well…

Why go through this whole scheme? Why not just divorce me, or be honest with me and tell me he was in love with someone else? Why did he come to see Caylen? Why did he feed her all of his lies about missing me? He has to be a psychopath or a con; Hillary was right. That can’t be it though, if he is, how will I ever explain this to my daughter? How could he have an entire life with me and have a life here? How is it possible for him to live two lives? How can he own a penthouse in Chicago and live on a farm in Madison? The land is vast, but… it’s just not… him. But then again I guess I don’t know him. I’m more confused than this morning, when I knew absolutely nothing.

“You’re awake.” A soft voice snaps me out of my thoughts. I look up to see a middle-aged, red-haired woman smiling so warmly at me that I instantly feel as if I know her.

“William. She’s up, honey,” she calls toward the kitchen. She walks cautiously toward me and offers me the steaming cup of tea. I look at her cautiously, wanting to know who she is.

“You need to drink something,” she urges me with a smile. I take the cup and sip it slowly.

William. I now recognize the man from the picture as he comes through the door and examines me, warily standing beside the woman. The man’s presence, though non-threatening, is colder than the woman’s, his expression almost set in a frown.

I put the tea down on the table in front of me. I open my mouth to say something, but nothing comes out. The man sighs, almost in frustration, and sits in a big chair across from me. He clasps his hands together and looks at his wife. She stands beside him, resting her hand on his shoulder. They look at me as if they know more than I do, which is very intimidating, since I have no idea who they are.