If I Break (28 page)

“Well, a Monday isn’t the best time for a party. Everyone has work or school.”

“Tell me there are plenty of pictures,” she smiles, handing me her coat.

I take it from her and hang it in the closet. “Steven recorded everything, I’ll get him to send it to your phone.”

Her smile fades a bit. Raven hasn’t quite taken to Steven as much as I’d like.

“Steven. Oh yes, where is he?” she says, trying to sound cheerful, but I can see the disinterest in her eyes.

“He’s setting up Caylen’s new bed,” I tell her.

“Well that’s nice.” She notices Helen, who has taken a seat on the couch. “Hello, Helen, how are you?” Raven asks politely.

“Hello, Ms. Brooks,” Helen says, extending her hand. “I’m fine, thank you. Lauren, I think it’s time for me to get going.”

“Already?” I ask disappointed.

“Yes, Dexter and I have an engagement that we just can’t miss,” she groans sarcastically, grabbing her leather jacket.

“Well, let me get you some cake,” I say before she stops me.

“No cake. I’m already on a diet, no need to tempt me.” She smiles and gives me a warm hug.

“You’re in beautiful shape; you don’t need a diet,” Raven tells her seriously.

Helen smiles graciously at her. “Well, thank you, but there’s this certain dress that I’m dying to get into by my birthday, so I’m just going to lose a couple of pounds.” Helen winks.

“I’ll walk you out,” I tell her.

“I’m going to go peek at the little angel. Nice seeing you again, Helen,” Raven says before heading up the stairs.

Helen nods, and we both head to the elevator in the lobby. “So, Thursday—girls day out at the spa—no canceling on me this time!” Helen scolds.

“I won’t; I promise.” I smile widely as she steps in the elevator.

“I’ll call you tomorrow,” she says as the doors shut.

I wave before they close and exhale, shivering and wrapping my arms around myself—they keep the air conditioning on in the hall all year, it seems. She’s right to give me a hard time. I’ve canceled on more than a couple of occasions. I think my excuses are probably getting old.

I turn to walk back into the penthouse. The party is practically over, and my thoughts drift to Caylen, her first birthday, and the fact that her dad’s not here.

“You okay?” I look up to see Steven staring at me curiously.

“Yeah, why?”

He walks closer to me, with a concerned look on his face. “You looked a little weird.”

“I-I’m fine,” I say, forcing a smile.

His hand touches my face gently, and I don’t move it. “You sure?” He asks, looking at me skeptically.

I smile softly. “I am now.” A movement behind him catches my eye and I look to see Raven standing at the head of the stairs. I step back from him and fold my arms.

“Lauren, can I speak to you a moment?” she calls.

“Sure,” I say quickly.

“Hi, Ms. Brooks.” Steven smiles and gives her a small wave. Raven smiles tightly at him, but doesn’t say anything back. I give Steven a sympathetic look, but he just laughs, heading back to where everyone else is.

I head up stairs and into Caylen’s bedroom, where Raven is holding her. “She woke up?”

“She’s fine; I have my sweetie,” she says, fanning me away. Raven sits down in the rocking chair and cuddles Caylen while brushing her dark locks.

“So. You and Steven have gotten quite close again since I last saw you two together.”

I think back to before I was married and before I dated Michael. There was Steven. With his sandy blonde hair and soft blue eyes that are only second to his, comical personality, he always knows what to say to make me smile; even after we mutually broke up, we remained good friends, which is something I can’t say about Michael and I.

“He’s my friend,” I tell her quickly.

“Is he still with that nice girl I met who was at your baby shower?”

“No. They broke up a few months ago.”

“Well, how convenient,” she says airily.

I feel my stomach knot. “Ok. Out with it. What are you asking me?”

“Do you have feelings for him?” she asks casually as she sits Caylen on the floor and hands her a teddy bear to play with.

“What if I do? What if I do have feelings for him?” I ask, annoyed.

Raven continues to focus on Caylen. “Well, if you haven’t forgotten, you’re still married.”

“No, I’m not married, actually,” I say sharply.

Her head turns quickly toward me. “You aren’t?” she asks, shocked.

“Marriage to me is more than a piece of paper with two names on it.”

“So, you’re going to start a relationship with him again?”

“Look, I didn’t say anything about a relationship,” I yell, and Caylen starts to cry. Raven hands her to me, and I rock her in my arms.

“Lauren, I think it’s time you stop pretending that Cal doesn’t exist.”

My mouth completely drops open at that. That’s my Raven, the only person who doesn’t shrink away from mentioning him around me, but she’s never been this blunt about it.

“Pretend? God, I wish! You think I can just block him out? Well, let me tell you. You don’t know how hard it is for me here. Being in this house where everywhere I look, I remember something I’d rather forget. Every time I close my eyes he’s there, sometimes I swear I can feel his arms around me,” I can feel tears building in my eyes, and thankfully, Caylen’s finally settled back down. I lay her down in the crib and watch her fall asleep.

“Every time I look at his daughter, I see his eyes, his smile.” I run my hands through Caylen’s full head of dark curly locks.

“When I look at her, sometimes all I see is him.” A single tear rolls down my cheek, and Raven’s arms encircle me.

“I’m sorry honey; I shouldn’t have even suggested what I did. I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“It’s okay,” I say quickly, wiping my cheek. “This is the first time I’ve allowed myself to cry over him in a while,” I say almost to myself. One tear isn’t that bad compared to…

“This thing with Steven?” Raven asks, her expression a lot softer than before.

“I don’t know,” I say honestly, folding my arms. “He’s just been so sweet and kind.”

“And here,” Raven adds.

“Yes,” I admit. “That’s the thing,” I walk over to the bedroom door and close it. “I don’t know if my feelings are genuine, or if loneliness is starting to take its toll,” I tell her, picking up one of Caylen’s many teddy bears and fiddling with its arms.

“That’s understandable,” Raven says stoically. I can see that I’m making her uncomfortable.

“I don’t want to hurt him Raven. I just don’t know what to do.”

“Tell him how you feel. Exactly where you stand—if you feel it’s time and this could be something you really want to explore. You need to look into divorcing Cal. He abandoned your marriage…”

I cringe at the word. “I don’t want to talk about that right now.” There’s a light knock at the door, saving me from where this conversation is going.

“Come in,” I say as loud as I can without waking Caylen.

Angela tiptoes in. “Hey Ms. Brooks,” she whispers, giving Raven a big hug. It makes me happy to see how close they’ve become through their relationship with me. The past two years would have been horrific without them.

“How are you sweetheart?” Raven whispers, eying the baby, who’s turning over in her sleep.

“I’m good. I have to be going; I have to work ridiculously early tomorrow,” she laughs.

“Did you get some cake?” I ask.

“Yeah, Steven fixed me a plate. I just wanted to let you know I was leaving, girly,” she says before giving me a hug. “See you, princess,” she whispers, kissing Caylen on the forehead.

“Thanks for coming, Angie. I know you’ll have a long day tomorrow.”

“Like I’d have missed this,” she says zipping up her jacket. “Oh, Hillary’s knocked out on your couch. I was supposed to give her a ride home, but you know how cranky she is if you wake her,” Angela laughs.

“She’ll be fine. Steven can take her home or she can sleep here tonight, and I’ll take her in the morning” I assure her.

“Come walk me out,” Angela gestures. She waves to Raven as we leave the room. “Bye Ms. Brooks.”

“Drive safely, Hon.”

Angela and I get to the front door, and she stops before opening it. “You okay?”

“Just tired,” I smile, letting a yawn escape my mouth. “I didn’t think having a party for a one year old would be so tiring,” I laugh.

“We spent more time setting up the party than having it,” she laughs as she opens the door. “I know my way out. You get some rest—you look tired,” she says with a frown.

“Gee thanks,” I laugh lightly.

She smiles softly. “You know what I mean.”

“I do,” I sigh, looking her in the eye. Angela and I have probably grown closer than all of my other friends since she stuck with me during one of the worst times of my life. She doesn’t have to guess why or how I’m feeling most of the time. She knows.

“Hey, don’t forget your cake!” Steven comes out of the kitchen with a plate wrapped in aluminum foil.

“Thank you. And it looks like you’re taking Hillary home.” Angela hits him playfully on the chest.

“When was that decided?” Steven raises his eyebrows in mock surprise.

“Well you’re the last one here, so you win,” Angela laughs, taking her plate from him.

“Want me to walk you out?” Steven asks her.

“I’m a big girl; I can make it on my own.”

“Text me when you get in your car safely,” Steven tells her. His big brother instinct is kicking in, and I can’t help but smile.

“I will, dad,” she teases. “Bye, kiddies,” she says, shutting the door behind her.

I go and lock it. “Now the fun of cleaning begins! Yay!”

“So much fun, I’ll do it myself,” Steven says with fake enthusiasm.

“No. I can’t let you do that,” I say, and I start picking up Caylen’s toys that are scattered around the floor.

He laughs and starts taking toys out of my hands. “Oh come on, cleaning to me is all kinds of fun.”

“You sure?” He’s been doing so much for me lately.

“Absolutely. You go lie down. I’m sure Caylen has tired you out.

I look at his soft smile and feel myself blush.

“Steven,” I say nervously and begin to fiddle with my fingertips. “Raven’s spending the night, so that basically guarantees me a babysitter tomorrow. I haven’t been out in a while, and I was wondering if you’d—if you’d want to have lunch with me?” I feel like I’m fourteen again.

I watch his face as his expression softens, then blooms into a coy smile. “I’d love to.”

I begin to giggle.

“Why do I feel like I’m in high school all of a sudden?” he teases.

I laugh. “Want to meet at 11:00?”

“Sure.”

“Good. Okay, so, in case I’m asleep when you leave, good night.” The next thing I do surprises even me. I kiss him on the cheek.

He looks surprised by it, but then his gaze moves behind me and his eyes widen. I turn around to see Raven behind me. Dammit.

“I just came to help clean up,” she says, surprised.

“Party time,” he teases.

Raven smiles. I can’t help but grin at her. She’s actually being nice to him.

“Well, I’ll let you two crazy kids get started,” I laugh, heading up the stairs. She waves, and they start moving things around. I feel happy. I’m glad Raven’s starting to give him more of a chance.

When I reach the second floor of the loft I peep in Caylen’s room to make sure she’s still sleeping before heading to mine. When I reach my room I close the door behind me and walk over to my mirror. I sigh at my appearance. When you have kids your style sure as hell changes. Glamorous clothes for me now are a clean t-shirt and jeans, and I’ve traded my flat iron for air drying something I NEVER used to do.

I grab the baby monitor off my dresser and take it bed with me. As soon as I lie down, I realize I’m lying on top of Caylen’s Speak and Say. Moving it to the other side of the bed, I laugh to myself at how much things have changed in two years. I yawn and feel myself drifting to sleep.

“Hon. I forgot my contact solution. I’m going to run to the drug store and grab a bottle,” Raven says standing in my doorway. “Make sure you lock up.”

“Ok I will,” I say with a yawn, just a few more minutes of rest…

***

I wake up to Caylen’s crying. I must have drifted off to sleep. Raven must not be back yet. I get out of bed and head towards Caylen’s room, but when I attempt to open my door, it doesn’t. A wave of panic washes over me, and I frantically twist and pull the knob, but it doesn’t budge. I can’t get out! I can’t get to my baby! I turn and snatch my phone up to call Raven.

“Shhhh, no crying, sweetheart. Daddy doesn’t cry, and you’re just like daddy.” The voice through the monitor sends chills through my body. I hear the crying stop.

“I have something for you,” it says again. My heart is racing but I can’t move. I manage to put the monitor closer to my ear.

“I’ve missed you. No one could keep me from seeing you today,” My chest is so tight, I have to remind myself to breathe. A few seconds pass, and Raven’s voice, reaches me faintly from the earpiece of the phone I just dropped. I’m snapped back to reality, this is not a dream.

“It’s Cal!” I say in utter disbelief, losing my grip on the phone as I try to pick it up again.

“I’ve missed your mom, too. I just don’t want to complicate things, and I don’t want to hurt her anymore,” he says. Tears start to pour down my cheeks.

He laughs lightly. “You’re lucky you get to see her all the time. This probably wasn’t the smartest thing. I wish I could tear myself in half; it’d make things easier for everyone.”

A few more seconds pass and I hear Caylen make the sound that she makes when she’s fascinated by something and studying it intently. “I’m not going to be able to see you for a while, and I don’t have much time…” his tone changes from regretful to having a sense of urgency.

Suddenly, my body is fully capable of taking action. “Cal!” I shout, trying my best to open the door. I can’t get to him.

“Cal, wait!” I shout repeatedly. I don’t know how much time passes as I keep trying to open the door, but finally, I hear footsteps approaching. When I stop yelling and pounding on the door, the silence is palpable. I step back from it, my heart seeking freedom from my chest. The knob turns, and I stop breathing; but when it opens, only Raven is standing in front of me.