If He Had Been with Me (27 page)

In books, people always wake up in the hospital and can’t remember how they got there, and then it all slowly comes back to them.

I opened my eyes and thought, “Oh shit.”

***

I sit cross-legged in the middle of the bed, wearing a scratchy blue nightgown. The hospital blanket is depressingly small and thin, more like a beach towel. I have an IV in one hand and my wrists are so neatly wrapped and taped that it makes me wonder about the person who bandaged them. I study my bandages as the nurse takes my blood pressure and asks me if I know what day it is.

“And do you remember why you are here, dear?” the nurse asks me. I dislike her voice. “Autumn?”

“I remember,” I say. I remember much more than I wish I did, since I am planning on doing it all over again.

She asks more questions. I mumble answers. I shouldn’t ask about the person who did the bandages because that would be weird, and I need to get out of here as soon as possible. Finny would forgive me. No, Finny will forgive me when I get to explain to him afterward. I touch the cotton wrapping with one finger.

“And when was your last menstrual cycle, dear?”

For the first time in weeks, everything within me goes still and silent.

“On what day did you last have your period, Autumn?” I look up at her face for the first time. She’s younger than I thought.

“I can’t remember,” I say. She frowns.

Finny wouldn’t approve of me trying again if I am pregnant. I could argue with him all I wanted, but he wouldn’t budge. Finny couldn’t stand to let worms die on the sidewalks; I would never be able to convince him that it would be for the best.

I can see the expression on his face. His frown of disapproval. I try to explain to him and he just raises his eyebrows at me.

People do things like this. Aunt Angelina did.

We could live with The Mothers at first; they would be happy to have us. I could wait tables and save money and go to college a few courses at a time. I could still write at night, maybe not every night, but still.

Just because something seems impossible doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t try.

And of course, it wouldn’t be like having him back. Not really. But it would be better than not having him at all. I remember him holding Angie’s baby at the hospital, the way he stared in wonder at that small face.

And Finny smirks at me because he knows he has won.

“It’s hospital policy, dear,” the nurse says. I blink at her.

“What is?”

“The test.”

“Oh. Okay.”

“Now, I am leaving the room for just one minute. The ward is locked. Are you going to behave yourself and wait right here?”

“Yeah,” I say, “I’ll wait.” She leaves me. I wrap my arms around my middle and press until my wrists ache. My eyes close. I’ll wait. And I’ll be okay.

And for the first time in years, I feel like things are going to turn out the way they were always meant to be.

My husband, Robert, held my hand both literally and figuratively as I struggled to achieve this dream. Baby, we’ve done it.

My parents, Gary and Susan Nowlin, raised me to love myself and to love books. Mom, thanks for giving me a passion for beauty in all its forms. Dad, thanks for being exactly the opposite of Autumn’s father.

My big sister, Elizabeth Nowlin, is awesome. Thanks for toughening me up.

My in-laws, Jay and Tina Rosener, are two of the most loving and generous people I have ever met. Guys, I could not have done this without your support.

My agent, Ali McDonald, made this dream come true. Thank you. Thank you so very, very much.

And thank you, God, for these and all the many blessings you have given me.

Laura Nowlin holds a B.A. in English with an emphasis in Creative Writing from Missouri State University. When she isn’t at home agonizing over her own novels, Laura works at the public library where the patrons give her plenty of inspiration for her writing. She lives in St. Louis with her musician husband, neurotic dog, and psychotic cat. Thank you for reading her book.