If He Had Been with Me (20 page)

All through the ceremony, I stare at Shawn O’Brian’s tangled mullet, and I think,
Someday
this
will
be
the
only
thing
I
remember
about
my
graduation
. Adults march on stage and give speeches that are full of advice for us. I try to feel as if I have accomplished something, but all I feel is that I lived through a few years of my life; getting though high school was just what I did on the side.

“Autumn R. Davis,” a teacher says, and I’m moving forward to take the diploma. I remember I’m supposed to smile. Adults shake my hand and say congratulations, and I’m surprised that they look so sincere. A photographer takes my picture when I shake hands with Mrs. Black. I see spots for a moment, and then I am walking back to my seat, but it feels more like wandering.

Afterward, when we’ve taken off our robes and the teachers set us free to go find our families, the lobby is too crowded to move around and find them. I see Angie with Dave and her family and I hug her before the crowd pushes me away. I see Brooke and Noah in a corner, holding hands and talking quietly. I wonder if they are talking about their plan to break up in the fall—I still don’t understand.

I feel my cell phone ring in my pocket.

“Mom?” I have to nearly shout to hear myself.

“Honey, we’re over by the display case. Can you see us?” She’s shouting too. I look around and stand up on my toes.

“No.” I see Jamie, Sasha, and Alex. They see me and I wave them over. They start pushing their ways toward me.

“Where are you? We can send Finny to come find you.”

“No, I’ll find you,” I say. Jamie stops in front of me, with Sasha next to him and Alex standing behind them. “I’ll be there in a sec,” I say. I hang up.

“Hey,” Jamie says, “we’re going to go eat. Wanna come? I’ll give you a ride home.”

“I have to go eat with my family,” I say.

“Oh,” Jamie says. “Can I come over tomorrow then? We need to talk.” I feel my cheeks heat up.

“Yeah, I know,” I say. I lean forward and Jamie kisses me quickly.

“I saw Finn and your mom over there,” Sasha says.

“Thanks.” I hug her and Alex quickly and push my way in the direction she pointed.

When The Mothers see me, they begin to wave excitedly, and Finny watches them and laughs. Dad is in Japan. He called me this morning.

“Picture, picture,” my Mom says. Finny and I stand next to each other and smile. The crowd is beginning to thin, and The Mothers try to find enough space to get full-length shots of us.

“So, congratulations,” Finny says. We’re still looking straight ahead at the cameras, fake smiles in place.

“For what?” I say.

“I don’t really know,” he says. I hear him laugh next to me.

“I don’t either. Congratulations for surviving maybe?”

“Maybe. But come on, it wasn’t that bad was it?” I look up at him.

“Nah, I guess not,” I say. He smiles, and out of the corner of my eyes, I see The Mothers’ cameras flash.

That was the picture they framed.

Jamie calls me early the next morning. I’m surprised; he never usually wakes up before ten o’clock if he can help it.

“Hey,” he says, “is it too early to come over?”

“No,” I say. “I’ve been up for an hour.”

“Oh. Okay, cool.” His voice sounds strange and my stomach turns over on itself. After we hang up, I go into the bathroom to put on makeup. I remember his strange voice, and an odd, queasy excitement flutters in me.

I wait for him on the back steps. It isn’t too warm out yet, but the sun is bright and it’s drying the dew on the grass and warming the steps. I hear a car coming and I sit up straighter, but it is only Finny. He sees me sitting on the back steps.

“Hey,” he says.

“Hey,” I say.

“Whattaya doing?”

“Waiting for Jamie.”

“Oh,” Finny says.

Just then, Jamie’s car pulls into the driveway. He gets out slowly and looks at Finny.

“Hey, man,” he says.

“Hey,” Finny says. He turns and goes in to the house. Jamie walks over and stands in front of me. I weakly smile at him.

“Hi,” I say.

“Hi,” he says, but he doesn’t smile. I know it for sure then, and my chest aches exactly as if he had punched me. I close my mouth and swallow.

So this is it after all, I think. How easy and obvious it seems now. How silly and trite, how terrible and real. I want to laugh at myself and him, but all that happens is that the corners of my mouth twitch once.

I scoot over and make room for him on the step.

“Why don’t you sit down?” I say.

“I thought we could take a walk,” he says.

“Here is fine,” I say. He shrugs and looks away. He doesn’t see that I already know. He sits down heavily, with six inches of space between us, and looks at his hands between his knees. I look away, and focus on Finny’s car while I wait. The queasy excitement that I felt before begins to ebb away, and I am filled with a cold dread.

“Autumn?” he says.

“Yes, Jamie,” I say.

“I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” I say, just to be cruel.

“This relationship.” I see his head turn toward me to gauge my reaction, expecting to see surprise there. I try to make my face blank, but I can feel my eyes burning.

“Why?” I say. He takes a deep breath.

“I can’t be who you need me to be,” he says. His tone is that of someone reciting a memorized lesson, a catechism. “You need me a lot, and it’s more than I can handle. You’re depressed all the time—”

“I am not depressed all the time.”

“Yeah, you are.”

“No, I’m not.”

“You’re depressed a lot.”

“My parents are getting divorced.”

“You’ve always been like this. I can’t do it anymore.”

My arms are wrapped around my stomach now, and I’m leaning forward as if I need to hold my internal organs in place. Finny’s car is blurry.

“How long have you felt this way?” I ask.

“A couple of weeks.”

“A couple of weeks? You want to throw away what we’ve had for four years after a couple of weeks? That’s stupid.”

Jamie sighs, and for the first time, I do not hear pity in his voice.

“I knew you were going to say that,” he says.

“Look, all your reasons are really stupid,” I say. “People in relationships need each other like I need you. I know it’s exhausting taking care of me, and I’m sorry. I can try to give you a break, and we can use this summer to get back on track. I really think this is just a rough patch.”

Jamie shakes his head. I finally turn and look at him. He’s looking at his hands again.

“So that’s it? You’re not even going to try? After all this time together?”

“I can’t do it anymore, Autumn.”

“You said you would love me forever.” I’m not going to let him off easy.

“I do love you, just not that way anymore,” Jamie says.

“You still love me,” I say. “You just can’t feel it right now. Sometimes that happens to me, and I just wait and it always comes back. I don’t break up with you. I just give it time.”

He shakes his head again. He sighs. I wait.

“There is something else,” he says. My veins fill with ice water, and I feel like I am looking at him from very far away.

“What?” I hear myself say, and I think how silly it is that I’m asking when I already know.

“Sasha and I have discovered that we have feelings for each other.”

Finally, the laughter that has been building up in my chest bubbles out. My head drops between my knees and my shoulders shake.

“Discovered?” I say. My laughter begins to sound strange to me and I swallow in an attempt to hold it back again. I laugh once more and shake my head. “‘Discovered’? How very fucking special that must have been for you both.”

Jamie puts a hand on my shoulder.

“We both still love you so much,” he says, “and we’ve been so worried about you. Sasha really wants to talk to you—” I shrug his hand off.

“No, no, no,” I say. “Just stop. Give me a minute.”

I take a few deep breaths. Jamie watches me respectfully, his whole aura radiating sympathy. I sit up straight again and take one last deep breath.

“Okay,” I say. Jamie leans forward expectantly. “Did you sleep with her?” I ask.

Jamie draws back as if I pinched him. He says nothing.

I blink. “Really?” I say. “When?”

“We never planned on any of this,” Jamie says. “We feel really awful about how this has all turned out and—”

“Tell me when!” I say.

His face hardens like it did when he said he knew what I would say. “A couple of days before prom. After she went with me to order your corsage. It was an accident. We felt awful about it and we swore that it wouldn’t happen again. But last week, we both admitted that we can’t pretend anymore. We care about each other, but we haven’t done anything about it yet. And we didn’t want to ruin graduation for you.”

“And you guys want a damn medal?” I say. I go over every memory of the six weeks since prom. It’s only in the past two weeks that I can see anything being different. I thought we were all stressed about the end of school. I trusted that Jamie would always want me. I never thought I could be free of his love for me.

“We’re sorry that we’ve hurt you, Autumn,” Jamie is saying. “But we still really care about you, and—”

“Do you want to know something funny?” I say, “I always thought you loved me more than I loved you. I always thought I would be the one to end it if it ever happened.”

“For a long time, I believed that too,” he says. For a moment my confession and his agreement give me a small feeling of camaraderie; together we’re looking over our relationship and seeing the same thing. Then the feeling is gone, and I am alone. A strange calm has come over me. I focus on Finny’s car again.

“You can go now,” I say. My voice is even and quiet. I’m ready to go to my room and be done with this.

“What?” Jamie says.

“You should go now. There isn’t anything else to say. You guys are assholes and that’s it.”

“I know you’re angry and you have a right to be, but we didn’t plan any of this—”

“I don’t really want to hear anymore, okay? Let’s just be done.”

“Okay.” Jamie stands. His face is hard again. At the bottom of the steps, he turns and looks at me. “Sasha wants you to know that she’s sorry. She wants to talk to you, but she’s going to wait for you to call her.”

“I’m not going to call her. You can go ahead and tell her that.” I stand and start toward the door.

“We really hope someday we can all be friends again,” Jamie says. “We care about you so much. I think you should—” I open the door and turn to face him.

“Jamie,” I say, “since you’re the one breaking up with me, I think I should get to have the last word. And I want you to know that I will never, ever be your friend again.”

I slam the door and go to my room and cry where no one can hear me.

On day three, my mother comes and sits on the edge of the bed. It’s midafternoon but I’m still in my pajamas. I’ve worn them for two days now. I’m wearing my glasses and my hair is greasy. I know staying in bed for most of the day isn’t helping my argument that I just need to be left alone, but I can’t summon the resolve to do anything else. As long as I can sleep, I feel numb, and numb is good; numb doesn’t hurt.

“Autumn,” my mother says.

“I already know what you’re going to say, so can we just skip it?”

“Why don’t call you one of your friends?” Mom says. “Why hasn’t Sasha been by?”

“The Sasha who slept with Jamie right before prom?” I feel her body tense. I curl up in a ball and pull the blankets over my head.

“I’m so sorry,” Mom says. I don’t answer her, even though she waits. She clears her throat. “What about Brooke?”

“Jamie’s cousin? I’m sure she really wants to hear all about what a bastard he is.”

“Angie—”

“Is gonna go into labor pretty soon now, Mom.”

She is quiet and still, and I hope that she is giving up and leaving.

“I don’t suppose—one of the boys?” she says.

“Mom! Just go, please?”

I feel the mattress shift and hear her walk across the floor. She closes the door behind her. I shut my eyes and try to sleep again.

***

When I open my eyes again, it is late afternoon, and Mom is standing at my door.

“You need to get up,” she says.

“No.”

“Finny’s coming over.”

“What?” I sit up as if a bolt of electricity has shot through me. Mom goes to the closet and seemingly reaches in at random, pulling out a blue tank top.

“Why is he coming over?” I say. Mom lays the tank top down on the bed next to me and crosses over to the dresser.

“He’s coming to see you. Do you have a strapless bra clean?” She opens the top drawer of my dresser.

“I haven’t even showered! And I don’t want to see Finny!” I say. Mom ignores me and opens another drawer.

“Jeans or a skirt? You haven’t shaved your legs, have you? Here.” She tries to hand a pair of jeans to me, but I swat them away.

“He’ll be here in ten minutes so you better hurry.” She turns away from me and walks out.

“Mom!” I shout at her retreating back. She ignores me. I jump out of bed and run to the bathroom.

***

When I hear him on the stairs, I am dressed, but my hair is still wet, and I’m not wearing any makeup. I grab a hair band and hastily pull my hair into a ponytail. He knocks. I look around my room. I’ve been eating here for the past three days, and I realize that, while I was showering, Mom came in and cleared out all the empty wrappers and dirty plates. I sit down on my bed. It’s been made.

“Come in,” I say. The door opens a crack and Finny’s face glances around the corner and looks at me, then he opens the door the rest of the way and stands in the threshold.

“Hey,” he says. He’s already blushing a little.

“Hi,” I say. He looks at me like he’s waiting for me to do something. “Are you going to come in or lurk in the doorway like a vampire?”

“I’ll come in,” he says. He crosses the room and pulls out the chair from my desk. He sits facing me with one elbow on the desk. I pull my knees up to my chest and lean against the headboard.

“I’m sorry they made you do this,” I say.

“Who?” Finny says.

“The Mothers.” He shakes his head.

“They didn’t,” he says. “It was my idea.” He’s looking down at his lap. He doesn’t move. He just sits there with me. I look at his shoulders and his hands. His hair is even more golden from the summer sun. Something stirs in me, and I push it down again. I’d rather feel nothing.

“You should know though,” Finny says, “they’re really worried about you.”

“I know,” I say. He raises his head and looks at me.

“They’re talking about calling that doctor with the weird name.” I sit up straight and let my feet fall to the floor.

“Singh?” Finny nods. “Oh God, he’s the last person I want to see.”

“Why? What’s wrong with him?”

“I dunno.” I shake my head. “He’s writes down everything I say in this file. And every time I see him, he makes me stand on his scale.” Finny frowns.

“Why?”

“He thinks I’m anorexic,” I say. The corners of Finny’s mouth twitch up. “It’s not funny,” I say. Finny grins and shakes his head.

“It’s kinda funny,” he says. I can’t help but smile a little when he looks at me like that.

“Okay,” I say, “maybe it’s a little funny. But I do not want to talk about Jamie with him.” When I say his name, a knife stabs my guts, and my smile fades.

“I’ll take care of it,” Finny says.

“You’ll convince them not to call him?”

“Under one condition.”

“What’s that?” I ask.

Finny stands up. “Come get some ice cream with me,” he says. I sigh and pull my knees up to my chest again.

“Finny, I really don’t want to go anywhere today,” I say. Finny grabs my arm and pulls me up. “Hey!” I say.

“Where are your shoes?” he asks. He sees some flip-flops in the corner and drags me over. “Put these on.”

“These don’t match my outfit,” I say. “And I’m not wearing a tiara.”

“What does that have to do with anything?” he says. “Come on.” I slide my feet into the shoes and Finny walks me downstairs, still holding my arm. The Mothers are down in the kitchen drinking iced tea. Both of their faces light up when they see us.

“We’re going to get ice cream,” Finny says.

“I’m being kidnapped,” I say.

“Good job, Phineas,” my mom says.

“Have fun, kids,” Aunt Angelina says.

He doesn’t let me go until we reach his car. He pushes the button on the automatic locks and opens the door for me. I sigh and sit down. This is only the third time I’ve ever been in the little red car; it smells of leather and of Finny. He walks around the car and slides in next to me. Without saying anything, he pulls out of the driveway and turns on the radio. He’s driving to the Train Stop, where a lot of kids from school hang out or work.

“Do I have to come in?” I say when Finny pulls into the parking lot. It’s nearly full. I recognize most of the cars.

“Why?” he says.

“I don’t want to see all the kids from school.” Finny pulls the car into a spot and turns off the engine. He turns to me in his seat.

“Do you not want to be seen with me?” he asks.

“What? No!” I say. I’m so surprised that my words come out stuttered. “I–I don’t want to have to answer any questions about Jamie.”

“Oh,” he says. “Sorry.” He gets out of the car. I watch his back as he crosses the parking lot and try to figure out why he thought I wouldn’t want to be seen with him.

Finny comes back a few minutes later carrying two cones. He taps on the window with one finger and I open the door for him. He hands both cones to me.

“Here,” he says.

“Thanks,” I say. He remembered that mint chocolate chip is my favorite. He got plain vanilla like always. I used to tease him about it. He turns out of the parking lot in the other direction from home. “Where are we going?” I ask.

“To the park,” he says. “The longer we’re gone, the better they’ll feel.”

When we get out of the car, I hand his cone to him and we walk on the path circling the lake. We eat in silence for a few minutes. I try to eat neatly so that I don’t get any green sticky on my face.

“So,” I say after a while, “what’s Sylvie doing today?”

“She left for her tour of Europe. I think she’s in London now.”

“Oh, I forgot. When’s she coming back?”

“August.”

“Wow.” Finny doesn’t say anything. I look up at him. He’s staring straight ahead. “Are you guys going to stay together in the fall?”

“I guess so,” he says.

“You haven’t talked about it?”

“No.”

We walk in silence for a while. I eat the last bit of my cone and stray off the path to throw away my napkins. We stand by the trashcan while Finny finishes his and tosses the remains in too.

“Sasha and Jamie are both going to Rochester,” I say. The path winds closer to the lake and out from under the shade of the trees.

“Huh,” Finny says.

“So I guess they’ll be staying together.”

“Maybe they’ll break up by then,” Finny says.

“Ha,” I say. “But I doubt it.”

“Well, they deserve each other,” he says.

“It’s not the healthiest way to start a relationship either,” I say. “I can’t see how this could be good for them.”

“No,” Finny says. “It won’t be.”

“And do you know what Jamie said? He said I ‘needed him too much.’” I draw quotes in the air with my fingers. Finny makes a face.

“What does that mean?”

“I dunno. But do you see what I mean? What kind of relationship is it going to be if he has that attitude?”

Finny stops and picks up a piece of gravel and pitches it at the lake. The rock skips four times, then drops into the water. I sit down in the shade and watch him search for another flat rock.

“You’re better off without them. You know that, right?” he says.

“I know,” I say. I wrap my arms around my stomach. “But I can’t help wishing things could go back to the way they used to be.” Finny glances at me and turns back to the lake. The rock jumps only once and falls. He bends down again and picks through the gravel. “Do you think that’s stupid?” I ask.

“No,” he says.

“I do,” I say. “I feel like an idiot. I should be glad it’s over. I should be relieved.”

“You should,” Finny says. He tosses the rock and it leaps across the water again and again. “But I don’t think you’re an idiot.”

“There were so many times I wanted to break up with him,” I say. “But I didn’t because I thought, ‘He loves me so much. I can’t do that to him.’ Isn’t that stupid?”

“No,” he says.

“I thought if I broke up with him, no one else would ever love me like that.”

“Well, that part is stupid,” Finny says. He turns away from the lake and sits down next to me on the grass. He rests his elbows on his knees and looks at me.

“Are you going to give me a lecture about how I’ll find love again?” I ask.

“No,” he says, “I was going to ask—” He blushes and looks back at the lake. “He didn’t sleep with you and then—”

“No,” I say. And then, “He isn’t that bad.”

Finny shrugs.

We watch the lake for a little while. The sun is starting to set and turn the water warm colors. A breeze picks up and ruffles my ponytail. I hug myself again. I wonder if Jamie and Sasha are together right now, what they are doing. If they are talking about me, pitying me. I scratch my arm.

“Do you think we’ve been gone long enough?” I ask.

“Probably.”

“I’m getting eaten by bugs.”

“Okay.” Finny stands and offers me his hand. He helps me up and I pretend to dust off my jeans so I get rid of the feeling of his hand on mine.

He rolls down the windows on the drive home. I hold my hand out the window and feel the air rushing through my fingers. I take my hair out of the ponytail and it whips around my face. I don’t feel numb anymore, and it’s not a good thing. My stomach hurts and my chest has a familiar ache. We don’t say anything until after he parks the car and shuts off the engine.

“What are you doing tomorrow?” Finny asks. I shrug. “Let me take you to breakfast and then you can spend the rest of your day lying in bed or whatever you want.”

“Okay.”

“See you tomorrow then.” We open our doors and get out.

We go into our separate houses, and I go straight upstairs. I cry myself to sleep again but not just for Jamie this time.