Ice (37 page)

“You look like you’re feeling better,” Justin said optimistically on the way home.

“Yeah.”

He smiled at me.

“Everything okay between you and Marcus?”

I felt my eyes widen.
Had Marcus told someone the lie about Kavick and I being together, or had one of the Wolf-People spread it? “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?”

“I was just wonderin’ if that fight you had with Kevin had something to do with Marcus,” he said innocently, looking at the road now.

“Well…it did. But we’re good now,” I said suspiciously. “What made you think he had something to do with it, though?”

“Just that thing I told you about boys gettin’ jealous of each other. I suspected they would get into a fight sooner, or later.”

I relaxed in my seat and returned my own gaze to the road.

“Have you talked to Kevin?”

Thinking about Kavick was like somebody stabbing me in the chest. “No. He graduated last year, so I don’t see him as often…” I trailed off, being consumed by my thoughts and worries. Would Kavick ever forgive me for getting so mad? I yelled at him so much, and he had looked so hurt….

“I didn’t see him at the diner, either,” I added, regaining my focus on the conversation.

“He’ll come around.”

I hope so,
I thought to myself.

I knew I could forgive him, but I was afraid he would never forgive me.

That night, I had started leaving my blinds up and would occasionally peer out my window, hoping to see him.

But he wasn’t ever there.

Everyday after school was spent with Marcus. Molly was relieved to see that everything was back to normal. She was still dying for details, though. Neither of us would tell her anything.

Molly had also returned to her baggy clothes and was wearing less makeup now. I think she had made an internal decision to just be herself and not care about having a boyfriend. I was glad to see this. She seemed happier and much more relaxed. I think this change was a sign that she was starting to mature a little, being less focused on the shallow things in life.

One evening while I was sitting in the diner watching for Justin, I heard Jonathan call out an order. I watched Marcus quickly walk over to the counter where Jonathan had placed the platter. Marcus snatched it up and made his way to Officer Conner who sat at one of the far tables.

I made my way over to the table closest to the window of the kitchen. Jonathan looked up from the stove at me, tossing the food in the skillet like it was second nature to him.

I nodded a hesitant hello. He nodded much more confidently. I glanced behind me. Marcus was chatting with the officer. I made my way over to the counter Marcus had picked the food from just seconds ago.

“Hey,” I said awkwardly. I started to wonder if he could hear me over the sizzling in the pans, but then I remembered he was like Kavick.

“Hey there,” he said casually. “You’re Christine, Kavick’s friend, right?”

It surprised me that he didn’t say “Kevin”. He must have heard that I knew about their secret. I glanced behind me again, wondering if they had heard what he said.

“Don’t worry about them,” he said. “They can’t hear us all the way over here.”

Perhaps he had a point. Jonathan wasn’t speaking very loudly, either.

“Umm…” I said, wondering how to phrase my question, or if I should even ask it at all. “Uh…I was wondering….”

He looked up at me from the stove again as he drizzled some olive oil in the pan. “You’re wondering if I’ve heard from Kavick?”

I felt my face heat up. “Uh, yeah.” I wasn’t sure if I was more surprised than embarrassed.

He shook his head. He jiggled the pan over the other burner and said, “He hasn’t been by all week. My folks say he’s shown up a couple times at the shop, that he hasn’t been himself lately. He’s been quiet.” He looked at me again and said flatly, “We both know
it’s not normal for Kavick to be quiet.”

I felt myself smile. “He’s usually pretty talkative,” I agreed. I remembered a few of the times he would ramble on about something, like the first night we met. I didn’t mind, though. I actually liked it. It was one of the things that made him cute
in my eyes.

Jonathan rolled his eyes. “Like my granny used to say, he’d ‘talk your ear off’.”

I chuckled. “Was your grandmother also a…?”

“Yeah. She died early this year. Thank God it was to a heart attack, instead of
those hunters.” I remembered Tartok saying that Jonathan had been the one that had followed Doug for some time, suspecting he was the hunter.

“Have there been any more attacks?” I lowered my voice a little anyway.

“No…but I’m afraid it’s just a matter of time.”

I wasn’t sure what to say anymore. My mind kept going back to Kavick, but I didn’t want to seem like I was hounding him for questions.

“I heard from Tark that you two had a little tiff.”

My jaw dropped in horror. “Uh…yeah, we had a bit of a fight…
.”

I kept thinking irritably,
why did he say “tiff”?

“That’s too bad,” he said, working the food in one of the pans with a spatula. “Next time I see him, I’ll tell him you asked about him.”

“Thanks,” I said, feeling a little more comfortable.

Marcus came up then and said, “Hey, Jonathan. How’s the salmon coming?”

Jonathan checked the other pan and flipped the pink slab of fish over. “Almost there.”

Marcus rested an arm on the counter and smiled at me. “So, what have you and Mr. Cook been talking about? Learning some tricks in the kitchen?”

I smiled back a bit timidly. “Yeah. I’m nothing special in the kitchen, so I figured I could stand to learn a few things.”

“Don’t worry about that. We can just pop a frozen thing in the microwave.”

I laughed, but I couldn’t help but notice he was insinuating that we would be living together in the future. I wasn’t sure if he was already planning marriage, or if he just wanted me to move in with him above the diner. This struck me as premature, since we hadn’t even kissed yet. We didn’t even hold hands.

“So how do you like waiting tables?” I asked, deliberately changing the subject. I found out earlier that his first day as a waiter had been Sunday.

“Beats the hell out of washing dishes,” he said in relief. “I can’t believe Ms. Maggie actually let me change positions. I wonder who’s going to wash the dishes now.”

I heard Jonathan mumble darkly, “Probably me again.”

Margaret walked by then and said to Marcus, “Someone just walked in.”

Marcus rushed away and grabbed a menu from beside the register. “Welcome to Maggie’s Diner! Table, or booth?” I heard him say cheerfully.

Everyday was alike. I would go to school, spend time with Marcus, have dinner with Justin, then go to my room and finish my homework and chat with
Charlotte. She asked about the “cutie” from my party. I told her I hadn’t seen “Kevin” for a while. After our talks, I would fall asleep watching my window, but Kavick wouldn’t come.

And then Sunday came again.
That was when I saw him.

There was a knock at the front door. I thought this was unusual, but I ignored it, staying in my room. Bored, I flipped through a magazine I had brought with me from California. I was too depressed to answer the door. Justin was closer to it, anyway, watching TV in the living room.

“Christine,” I heard Justin call.

I bolted up from my bed and looked to the living room. There was Kavick, walking through the front door. He seemed timid and his face didn’t show anger, or sadness. He seemed unsure though, as if he wasn’t certain he was welcome anymore.

I left my
room and met him just at the edge of the hallway.

“Um,” he said quietly, wringing the front of his coat nervously. “Can we talk privately? It will just take a moment.” His cool blue eyes kept shifting as he spoke.

I nodded quickly, eager to finally talk with him. I looked to my uncle, who was sitting on the couch again with Big John, listening to every word. “Can we talk for a moment in my room?”

“Yeah.”

“Um…is it alright if I have the door closed for a few minutes? It’s too cold outside to talk privately.”

He glanced at Kavick for a second, I guess double checking him to decide if he
was the type to try to woo me in my room. I think he sensed the same distress from Kavick I was feeling from him, and nodded.

“Sure,” he said to me, showing no signs of discomfort by the request.

“Thanks,” I said, speaking rather quietly myself now, and then Kavick followed me to my room.

After he entered, I closed the door and remained there, waiting to hear him speak first, still holding the doorknob in my hands behind me. He turned around in the center of my room to face me. He moved his hands to his sides and his eyes met mine for a brief instance before shifting to the floor. Finally, he unzipped his coat, but left it on.

“Um…” He cleared his throat and looked off to the side. “This is kind of har…uh…I mean….”

I frowned, wondering why he was going to say “hard”. That didn’t
bode well.

He scratched his forehead for a second. “I know,” he said with more strength in his voice, “that you’re still mad at me. And you have every right to be. I understand, and I know you’ll probably always be mad…and, uh…”

I sighed and said, “I’m not mad anymore…I just want us to get past it. I know that Marcus shouldn’t have said all those things, and I shouldn’t have yelled at you.”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean, yeah about Marcus, but you didn’t do anything wrong. I deserved it.”

“Let’s just put it behind us and forget about it. It’s really not a big deal. I’ve cleared it up with Marcus, anyway. The next time I see him, I’ll tell him he’s not to try to start any fights with you, or we’re….”

I almost said, “Or we’re over,” but decided that wasn’t the ideal way to tell Kavick we were dating.

“So you and Marcus are good now,” he stated.

“Yeah. Actually, I came clean to him about how I feel…and we’ve decided to give it a try. It can’t hurt, right?” I forced a smile. That was a much better way of telling Kavick the news, but it felt so awkward to talk about. I was still surprised at times that I was technically Marcus’ girlfriend. It didn’t feel at all like we were a couple, because we were still carrying on like we always had. We still hadn’t gone out on a date. Then again, we knew each other so well; did we really need to go out on dates?
I guess the strangest thing of all was that I didn’t feel any happier for being in a relationship with him.

“How do you feel?” he asked, as if he didn’t know despite the many times I had told him I wasn’t sure how I felt. He must have thought my feelings had changed.

I hesitated to answer, thinking, wondering if I had changed how I felt. I hadn’t, though; I was still unsure. “I still don’t know, but I’m hoping I’ll know soon.”

His gaze fell again
to the floor. He nodded, but his eyebrows were furrowed. “That’s good. That’s what you always wanted. You guys will be happy together.”

Then why did he look like he was in pain?

I felt myself frown again as I became concerned. Something was definitely off. “Is something wrong?”

He didn’t answer
, keeping his head down.

I took a step toward him. “What’s wrong?” I was more than concerned now, I was scared.

He finally looked at me. Something about him seemed sad. “You were right,” he said, barely above a whisper.

“About what
?” I asked, wondering if he was still talking about how I had said what he did was wrong, or about something else I had said.

“If I marry Anana, I can’t keep seeing you.”

It took a moment for his words to sink in. When I was finally able to speak, all I could say was, “Oh.”

I was stunned silly. I couldn’t think, or feel.

He gulped and started clutching the end of his coat again. “Also…” he said, speaking a little louder, like he was trying to mask his discomfort, “…I’ve decided…I mean, we’ve decided—Tark and I—that it would be better if we, the Wolf-People, lived as wolves for a while. Well, dog…wolf-dog. Whatever I am.” He then rubbed his face hard with both of his hands. “God, I’m such a freak,” he muttered to himself.

I held my head, trying to understand the sudden overload of information. “No…no you’re not…” I mumbled, trying to process it all.

You’re great. You’re beautiful. Inside and out.

But I couldn’t say those things, because I was starting to break down inside.
I’ve never been a very articulate speaker, anyway. Always a thinker.

“So…what are you saying?” I asked, closing my eyes, because it was easier to keep myself together that way. I was afraid that if I looked at h
im I would lose my control.

I felt him staring at me. It was hard not to stare back. I finally had to open my eyes. Once again, I was mesmerized by those blue eyes, so pale and so beautiful, that somehow always made me think of ice
, even though he had never once given me a cold stare.

His face didn’t show any emotion as he spoke. “I’ve decided…I’m going to marry Anana.”

That was a shock, even though I had suspected as much. I just didn’t want to believe it.

“And as soon as we’re married, we’re going to live as wolves. It’s just not safe….” He looked down again, scrunching his brow. “It’s for the best. For both of us. You’ll be safer, too.”

“So…so…” I stammered, trying to speak. I knew what I wanted to say, but it was hard to get it out. My mouth didn’t want to cooperate. I felt like I was shaking all over. I told myself I wouldn’t cry, that I had no right to and that I should have seen this coming. Then I reminded myself that I
had
seen it coming. I could still feel the tears forming in my eyes, though. “…You’re just going to forget me?”

His eyes widened at that statement, but he co
uldn’t deny it. “I never said I—”

“But you can’t deny that it’s possible, that you might turn out like the others that lived as wolves for too long,” I said, barely keeping my voice low enough for Justin not to hear. I could hear the TV pretty well, so I figured he couldn’t hear us. “Anana told me about when you two spent a week as wolves. She told me you were different, tha-that you changed and it took you both a while to recover.”

“There’s no guarantee that will happen, though,” he reasoned.

“And there’s no guarantee it won’t,” I argued. I took a deep breath, fighting to keep the tears in my eyes. Kavick just stared at me, unable to argue. I knew he could see the tears in my eyes, even though I told myself he couldn’t, because I didn’t want to feel embarrassed. “You promised you wouldn’t be like Marcus. You promised you would never let anyone keep you from me.”

“Anana’s not keeping me away from you. It’s my decision, not hers.”

I felt my jaw drop at those words. It was like the wind had been knocked out of me. I pulled myself together as I sniffed back my tears and said as calmly and evenly as I could, “I understand if you feel like you can’t keep that promise. It wouldn’t be fair to her.”

He didn’t say anything. For some reason, he just didn’t want to see me anymore. He didn’t want to have anything to do with me. I guess I had hurt him more than I had realized.

“Listen, I’m sorry I yelled at you and…don’t you think this is a bit drastic?” I said desperately. “I over-reacted, and everything is fine now. I’m so sorry for how I acted. Please don’t do this. I can’t handle the idea of you forgetting me.”

“I’m not punishing you,” he said gently, and I believed him. “I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I think this is best. Just like it wouldn’t be fair to Anana, it wouldn’t be fair to Marcus, either.”

I felt my eyebrows furrow in bewilderment. “Marcus and I aren’t getting married, though! That’s completely different!”

Part of me felt like I was being a hypocrite. I could see Kavick’s point, even if I didn’t agree with it.

“I can’t keep putting you in danger,” he said with a little more firmness to his voice, but he was still calm. “I should have never asked you for help the night of the fire. It was wrong.”

That was another blow. It was like he wanted to take back all the time we had together. He just wanted to erase it all.

“You were running for your life,” I said tearfully. My voice quivered with every word. “You were desperate for a place to hide. I understand why you asked me for help. It makes perfect sense. You had just lost a brother to one of the hunters. You were desperate and scared.”

He shook his head. “I could have found somewhere else if I had looked hard enough. I could have hidden in a ditch if I had to. I shouldn’t have involved you, and I’m sorry I did, and that I’ve put you through so much.”

I looked away, quickly wiping my eyes with the sleeve of my shirt.

“This is best. We’ll both be happy, and you’ll forget me in time, too.”

I closed my eyes. I knew that “goodbye” was coming and I couldn’t stand it.

I heard him take a couple steps toward me. I heard his clothes shift as he slowly leaned towards me. I felt his coat brush against me and his hand touch the side of my head. He gently placed his lips against my forehead.

Suddenly, I couldn’t keep my eyes shut anymore. They darted open and I looked up at him. For a brief second, we were face to face, his eyes closed. He stepped away from me, returning my gaze. I forced myself to keep looking at him, to memorize everything about him
and etch it into my mind for eternity, since it would be our last seconds together. I couldn’t believe this was goodbye.

We just stared at each other, afraid that moving would be the end of everything. We held onto it as long as we could,
and then he finally hung his head and left the room. I heard him thank Justin on his way out.

I couldn’t believe what had just happened. I had lost Kavick forever.

And it was killing me inside.

I shut my bedroom door. I tried to make it to my bed, because I knew I was going to collapse, but I didn’t make it. I fell into a heap on the floor. I clutched my rug to try to steady my shaking hands. I felt tears pour out of my eyes and watched them soak into the different colored fibers.

How could I ever forget him?

It was only a matter of time before he forgot me…maybe even only a week.

This couldn’t be. I couldn’t let this happen. The stubbornness in me would not let him get away with it so easily. I had to at least try to make it work, make him see reason. His marriage to Anana was reality now.

Which meant he couldn’t marry her. I knew he didn’t love her. He had told me that a thousand times. I couldn’t let him lock himself to a person he didn’t love and let him give up on us. I couldn’t let him forget me.

My heart was still pounding from the kiss. How could such a simple gesture keep disrupting my thoughts?

If only I were a Wolf, he could marry me. Nothing could separate us then.

I envisioned what it would be like if we were married. I wasn’t in a ridiculous apron like I had envisioned myself with Marcus. I looked exactly like myself, in a long sleeved shirt and jeans. I was in his kitchen. He came toward me wearing that white sweater and old, faded jeans. He smiled at me as he held my face and kissed me.

Why did it seem so right to wonder that? Why did it seem so natural? And why did it feel like it was exactly what I wanted?

The only answer I could come up with was simply because it was what I wanted, and part of me wasn’t at all surprised by this discovery. It was like I had always known.

But,
I had learned that lycanthropy wasn’t like in the movies. I had to be born a Wolf-Person. Besides, I didn’t really have to be a Wolf for us to be together, anyway. Tartok could just deal with it. If Kavick really loved me like everyone seemed to think, then with our combined stubbornness Tartok wouldn’t stand a chance.

I suddenly realized yet another part of me that I thought would never change, did; just like how I no longer wanted to move back to
California, I no longer loved Marcus. It was so obvious to me now that I hadn’t loved Marcus since I met Kavick. Kavick had helped me heal after him, and I had moved on. That’s why I could never be sure how I felt about him. I didn’t love him anymore, I just thought I should because that’s what I had known for so long and I assumed that things would return to how they once were. But, they hadn’t completely; only our friendship was still there. It would never be exactly like before. I’d never be lovesick over Marcus again.