I Surrender (13 page)

Jasper looks at me with a ‘then what’s the problem’ look.

He’s totally missing the point and I shrug out of his embrace. “That’s not the point. I will never be like those girls or Indie; I will only be just me. I will never be…sexy or daring.” I express my fears out loud and they sound petty. I should have kept my mouth shut because I sound like a whiney schoolgirl.

Jasper pulls me back to look into his beautiful face. “Are you serious? You don’t realize how sexy and daring and beautiful you are to me Ava, you’re perfect. All those other girls, they don’t know me, they just see this,” he says motioning to his face and body, “and it’s all superficial. But with you, you see me, you really see me and that to me is more attractive than you will ever know.”

I sit staring, my wide eyes shocked at his admission.

“So stop worrying about stupid stuff okay, just be with me, that’s all I want.” He bends down and gives me a deep kiss, which I return passionately. The way he kisses me, I know he speaks the truth. He worships every part of me no matter what I am wearing, or how I look. He likes me for me, and I most certainly like him for him.

I intensify our kiss and lean over to straddle him, pushing his back into the step behind him. He is vulnerable to me, me being above him. He braces his hands on the step below him, letting me direct where I want this to go. He knows I need to assert some dominance over him and he is all but willing to submit to me.

My lips trail down his taunt neck and I can feel his muscles tensing under my lips. I bite him softly and he hisses a quick breath through his teeth. My harlot side has reared her wicked head and I boldly run my hands down his jeans over his top button, but he stops my retreat.

I bite my lip in disappointment as I peer up at him. Why did he stop me? Yes, I know we are in public but what a perfect sight for little Miss Flirty Pants or Indie to walk into.

“Not here.” He smirks, “As much as I want to, if you start I’m not going to be able to say no.”

“Then don’t,” I reply valiantly. Wow, I am shocked by my courage. Must be my rampant hormones talking.

He chuckles hoarsely, kissing my chin. “And you said you’re not daring Ms. Thompson.”

“Well Mr. White you must bring out my brave side,” I reply melting under his skillful mouth.

He strokes my hair behind my ear and kisses my forehead. “You are the bravest person I know. I just wish you knew how fearless you really are.”

I can hear the echo of Pink’s ‘Try’ faintly playing in the background, mingled in with happy patrons who are in high spirits, singing along cheerfully. I can smell an earthy, metal overtone and I distinguish the smell as someone smoking a joint around the corner. I can feel the cool breeze whip my hair around my face and catch onto my sticky lip gloss. All my senses are on high alert but it's my sight that's most aware.

Looking down at Jasper as he expresses his feelings for me renders everything else void. He is searching my eyes for a response to his confessions. In this moment I don't feel brave. I feel quite the opposite dodging his gaze. I wish I was valiant enough to express my affections to Jasper, but yet again my nerves tie a knot in my stomach and my tongue. Sadly, I know why that is.

I wish I could make myself more emotionally available to Jasper, but Harper has squashed my spirit and at times I forget how to breathe without him. I am emotionally damaged goods and I criticize myself for letting him effect me this way. When will I be able to move on without always associating my future experiences with my past?

Jasper is aware of my uncertainty and releases my teeth that are unintentionally biting my bottom lip with his thumb. He looks attentively at me and smiles. “One day you will.”

I hope he is right. And I also hope he’s with me when that day arrives.

Chapter 19:

Have Faith

I
don't know why I am here, but I just ended up at this juncture. I sit staring at the familiar building before me and a feeling of longing kicks me in the guts. What most people consider a prison or hard labor I consider this place my second home. I am looking at The Culinary Institute of America.

I haven't been back here since my return, and sitting out the front in my beat up Honda brings back many exultant memories. I was happy here and I was on my way of achieving my dreams. I gaze envious of the students laughing with their peers on their way to class. I would have graduated by now. That thought is a hard one to process. Could I go back to being that person? Should I go back? And would I be happy?

Coulda/shoulda/woulda!

Ugh, why did I bother coming here if I was just going to depress myself? I hear my phone beep, snapping me out of my slump. I glance down and my iPhone indicates I have a text from Jasper.

Good morning. You? Me? Pancakes?

I let out a small smile. It's like he knows I need a sugar fix to mend my sour mood.

You buying?
I type out cheekily.

Depends.

On?
This text war will help steer my mind away from my education dilemma.

What do I get in return for treating you to a nutritious breakfast? :)

What do you want?
I giggle and realize I must look like a loony sitting in the car smirking to myself. I enjoy this banter between us.

You know what I want ;)

I do?

Yeah I want it all the time.

I feel my skin prickle at his suggestive words.

Give me a hint
I text in case I have misunderstood.

Y

What kind of clue is that :)

A good one. Okay here's another, O

I stare at that singular letter and a shiver creeps up my spine.

U guessed it yet? I'm starving btw

What Jasper wants is staring at me in big bold letters.
Y O U

He wants me. I bite my lip happily and tap out.

Only too happy to oblige. C u in 10 xx

*****

I park my car into a tight fitting parking spot and quickly check my reflection in the rear view mirror. I brush back my unruly hair and secure a bobby pin into my fringe to sweep it off my face. I love how our meeting place remained unspoken between us. We had gotten into the routine of knowing each other’s drink preference, what TV channels were the others favorite and where to meet for pancakes without uttering a single word. It was comforting, but it was also a little daunting that we had fallen into a comfortable routine so quickly. I exit the car hurriedly before I start over-analyzing again.

The bell above the door chimes announcing my arrival and the appetizing scent of maple syrup and coffee assaults my sense of smell. I scan the diner to find Jasper sitting in a corner booth perusing the menu. A backwards baseball cap sits snugly on his head and is complimented by a blue and white checkered shirt. He is a sight for sore eyes. As I look at him, him totally unaware of my observation, I can't believe how lucky I am to know someone like him. And even luckier to hold his affections.

I am totally busted as Jasper catches me dribbling all over myself. He half smiles and places the menu on the table while intertwining his fingers behind his head. What a show off! I roll my eyes mockingly and make my way over to him. As I approach the booth I lean in to give him a quick kiss, but Jasper has other ideas as he lightly fists the back of my hair, holding my mouth prisoner to his probing lips. I liquefy as I brace my hands on the table to stop myself from tumbling over in passion. He pulls away coolly while I stumble slightly, with a giddy head rush.

He squeezes my hand tightly as I sit across the table from him. "Good morning baby."

I love hearing him use a term of endearment for me. I peer up at him and melt as I look into his crystal clear blue eyes.

"Good morning,” I reply happily.

“I ordered you a soy chai latte,” he says while nodding his head to the steaming mug in front of me.

I inhale the mouth-watering cinnamon and smile. “Thanks.”

“No worries.” Jasper grins while rubbing the pad of his thumb over the top of my hand.

He assess me inquisitively, his head tipped to the side. “What’s wrong?”

How can anything be wrong with Jasper caressing my hand the way he is. But he knows something is up. “Wrong? Nothing’s wrong.” I’m such a terrible liar.

He looks at me incredulously. “What were you up to this morning when I messaged you?”

How does he know? I avert my eyes, and nervously pick up the menu to screen myself from Jasper’s inquisitive eyes.

“Wow I’m starved what are you going to have?” I pathetically muffle in hopes of changing the subject.

Jasper places his hand on the menu, bringing it back down onto the table. I shyly peer up at him; damn, he’s not falling for it.

“For someone who was starving, you sure want to do a whole lotta talking and not a whole lotta eating.” I stare at him smugly, arms crossed.

Jasper smirks, running his fingers across my folded arms. “I'd rather know what's eating you.”

This man is infuriating. “At the moment you are.”

Jasper lets out a soft chuckle while sipping his coffee. I can tell by his sharp look he’s not going to let this slide.

Heaving a sigh I finally give in. “I was parked outside my school.”

Jasper looks slightly amused. “Why?”

“Because I'm going crazy that's why.” I cover my face with my hands to hide my beet red complexion. I part my fingers and steal a look at Jasper, who is biting back a smirk. He brushes my fingers back down to the table but doesn't let go of my hands.

“You miss it?”

That's the million dollar question and I shrug unsure of the right answer.

“Well I hate to state the obvious but if you are revisiting your old school I think the safe answer here is yes. Have you thought about going back?”

I move around in my seat uncomfortably. Suddenly I feel like I'm getting the tenth degree from my mom.

“I’ve thought about it.”

“And?” he asks, sensing my apprehension.

“And...I don't know.” I confess sadly.

“Ava it’s okay to be unsure of what you want to do. The answer will become clear to you.” He states benevolently.

“Yeah clear as mud,” I reply grumpily while fiddling with the spoon in my latte.

“Stop doubting yourself. This self-doubt is the reason you're so confused. You know you're amazing and I have faith in you, even if you don't.”

I peer up at Jasper, surprised by his confidence in me.

“What if I go back and I hate it? What If I go back and I'm not any good?” I really don't know why I'm so confused because I know I won’t hate it, nor will I suck at it. I want to hide my face again but Jasper has a strong grip on my hands.

“Ava, we’re not given a roadmap for success. Life's a gamble, be brave and take a chance. Just like you did with us.”

I snap my eyes up at him as I was not expecting his comment.

“I know you were torn giving me a go, but you did. And I'm really happy you made that choice.”

I gulp nervously, my palms suddenly becoming clammy and my skin heating to a thousand degrees.

Aware of my discomfort he chuckles, “Cause if you didn't, who would I be sharing my breakfast with?”

He is so good at diffusing a situation before it can get too uncomfortable.

I squeeze his fingers lightly. “Thank you for believing in me.”

“Always,” he says with conviction. Again I question myself, how did I get so lucky. And I thought I was happy when with Harper. He never showed me the support Jasper has.

“We’re not all bastards.” He smiles, looking intently into my eyes.

I don't have to question to whom he is referring to. I must be easy to read, my face giving me away.

I glance up at him working my lip, thinking of something to say but only murmur, “I know.”

He is on the verge of saying something, when our busty, blonde waitress interrupts us with an annoying southern drawl. “Y’all ready to order?” she asks happily, while infuriatingly tapping the top of her pen on the notepad she is holding, poised ready to take our orders.

I feel my shoulders drop in relief as I really wasn't hungry for a side order of Harper with my pancakes this morning.

Jasper smiles up at our waitress and I see her gasp as she rakes over Jasper's face.

“I’ll have the buttermilk pancakes, the large stack with the cinnamon apples please.”

“Would you like an extra helping of maple syrup or whipped butter?” she asks pulling in her bottom lip.

“No thanks I'm good,” he replies while handing her his menu.

“Yeah, I bet y’all just sweet enough.”

Jasper smiles politely, while I am about to jam that pen she is running seductively along her lips down her throat.

“Ahem,” I loudly cough. She glances my way viciously, like she only realized he has company.

“I’ll have the Whole Wheat and Honey Pancakes with the whipped butter and maple syrup thanks.” She dismisses me like I'm a parasite as she quickly writes down my order.

She leans down in her low cut top to arrange Jasper's cutlery and turns her face up to his. “If I can help you with anything else and I mean
anything
please give me a holler.”

Jasper leans back uncomfortably, his hands braced on the edge of the table attempting to evade her flirtations. She slowly backs away, licking her lips lavishly. If I was a cartoon character steam would be coming out of my ears.

I noisily clear my throat. “Nancy is it?” I ask reading her nametag. She tilts an annoyed eyebrow at me, waiting for me to continue.

“How about less talk, more work.”

Jasper chokes on his coffee from laughter. Nancy’s mouth opens and closes, surprised by my comment. I give her a daring look as I lean back into my booth smugly. She openly glares at me for a moment but when she senses I mean business, she storms off in a huff.

Meanwhile, I frown at Jasper.

“What,” he asks complacently.

“You know what,” I reply crooking my thumb over my shoulder to where little Miss Helpful went. However, strangely unlike the other times Jasper has been hit on, I am feeling less insecure. He never asked for her flirtations and I witnessed his obvious discomfort to the situation.

Deep in thought Jasper leans over the table, applying a soft kiss on the tip on my nose. “You have nothing to worry about.” He sits back down and takes a sip of his coffee.

“Yeah why's that?” I am curious to hear his response.

Jasper rewards me with a ghost of a smile. “Because it’s you I want. No one else. Only you.”

I gulp in desire and also in fear. I should be returning the sentiment because I know I feel it, but why is it so hard to voice my feelings? I know why.

Looks like I will be having a side order of Harper with my pancakes after all.