I Surrender (8 page)

Chapter 14:

I Surrender

T
here is so much more to Jasper than his ridiculously good looks, and that is his love for animals. I saw a different side to Jasper when he tended to the neglected, injured and unwanted animals at his shelter. A side that has me wondering what other sides Jasper White has. The gentle, almost personal care he gave to the animals that were neglected made me speculate if he too was once just as wounded and unloved as those creatures.

Life has a rhythmic pattern, which suits me just fine. Work is going great, keeping me busy. When I have the motivation (which rarely happens) I go for a jog with V. After dinner, I would head over to the shelter to see Jasper. I tell myself it’s helping at the shelter that I am looking forward to all day, not seeing Jasper.

The feelings of heartache are still nearby, but when I am with Jasper they don’t consume every part of me. He keeps my mind busy, and yes he is very attractive to look at with his black torn jeans, combat boots and some ratty band t shirt being his outfit for the shelter, but it was his company, just hanging out I found most comforting.

So on a warm Thursday evening while I was brushing my hair into a high ponytail V asks, “So what’s going on with Jasper?” I cringe.

I can acknowledge that we have a connection, but there is nothing going on per se.

“For the hundredth time V, nothing. We’re friends just like you and I. No one seems to have a problem with us being friends and ask what’s going on with us. Why is it any different with Jasper? Cause he’s a guy?”

“No because he’s Jasper. Jasper doesn’t do friends. I’ve never even seen him be friends with his so called friends but with you he’s different. He’s happy.”

“And that is a bad thing why?” I question while secretly high fiving myself that I make him happy.

“It’s not a bad thing, if you guys are just friends then that’s great. I’m happy for you as you’re both less moody when you’re together.” V laughs as I throw my hairbrush at her, narrowly missing her head. “But I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“How am I going to get hurt by being friends with Jasper?” I inquire but I know the answer.

“Because I know there is more going on than just being friends. Deny it all you want, but there will come a time when you both won’t be able to keep up with this friendship façade. And then there is the Indie situation. Jasper is still seeing Indie for some unknown reason. If you have feelings for him, and he’s still seeing Indie I’m just concerned you’ll get hurt. I see the way you look at each other when you think no one is looking.”

“What?” I yell.

“Calm down. I think there is something more going on and you’re both too scared to act on it. Whether it’s because you think it’ll ruin your friendship or maybe you guys are too afraid of what would happened if things actually worked out okay. But hey I could be totally wrong. You guys could pursue things and it might lead into a dead end.”

“Dead end?” I ask irritated, “why would it be a dead end? We seem to be doing just fine as friends.”

“Ava c’mon we both know being in a friendship and being in a relationship are two totally different ball games. Let’s say for argument sake, if you and Jasper hooked up and it did end in a messy emotional fiery ball of pain, which is quite likely seeing as you’re both the most stubborn, determined people I have ever met. Do you think you could go back to just being friends?”

I ponder her question and choose to disregard it, but address her comment regarding my stubbornness. “I’m not stubborn. Look at what I did for Harper. I left everything for him, to please him. I can make compromises in a relationship.”

“That’s because Harper was a control freak with mommy issues. If you didn’t do what he wanted it would end in a fight. He squashed your spirit and you accepted it because you loved him. We all make sacrifices for our first love, but you’ve grown since Harper. You know you won’t be that girl anymore, that girl that Harper turned you into because he is a spineless narcissist asshole.”

V’s paying out on Harper doesn’t affect me as much as it used to and I am proud of myself. I stare at my reflection, is she right? Have I really become the stronger person I strived to become? I don’t think I am totally there yet, but I am trying and it feels good.

I have decided emailing Harper would accomplish nothing. I’m happy to move on and learn from my Harper experience and V is right, I will never change who I am just to please another ever again.

I smile sweetly at my intuitive best friend. “V I love you but really you have nothing to be worried about, Jasper and I are just friends.” Denial is bliss.

V looks at me unbelieving. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

*****

In the car ride over to the shelter V’s words play on my mind, would Jasper and I really end in a messy emotional ball of pain? I really couldn’t handle any more pain. The ache in my chest from Harper seems to be getting more and more bearable every day, and that in part is thanks to Jasper. His cheeky smile, compassionate nature and unique views on life have helped me heal. But I don’t know if I am ready to explore anything further than friendship with Jasper or anyone else for a while. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. And mine and Jaspers’ friendship is definitely not broke.

Pulling into the dark parking lot at 12.20am always creeps me out. Jasper forever the gentleman waits outside for me having a cigarette. He waves when he sees my car, awarding me with a breathtaking smile. He looks just as attractive as ever in his customary ripped black jeans, combat boots and tonight a ‘One Direction’ t-shirt. I love the humor on this guy.

Taking a deep calming breath, I wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans. I always get this way when I see him, and I tell myself it’s a normal reaction every hot blooded woman has towards him.

“Hey Ava.” He smiles as I quickly walk over to him.

He pulls me into a warm hug and I hug him back, inhaling his unique mouth watering smell. I know Jasper doesn’t wear any fancy aftershaves; he doesn’t need to, because his fragrance is something that can’t be bottled.

“Hey friend. Busy night?” I reply.

One arm still around my waist he butts out his smoke with his boot, then runs his hand through his hair, which I have come to realize, is indeed a habit of his when he is nervous or angry.

“Yeah a bit. I want you to meet somebody.” I tense up and Jasper can sense my nervousness. “Relax, it’s a good somebody. I know you and it will get along famously.”

I am on edge even more so when he doesn’t mention who this somebody is. My mind involuntarily screams Indie is inside wielding an arsenal with my name written on it. She may be okay with us being friends but she most definitely would not be okay if she knew how much time Jasper and I spent together. Especially at 12.25am.

Jasper leads me inside all the while smirking with that damn dimple on parade. What is he up to?

I follow him out back to where the stray animals are detained. I look around at the room and my heart goes out to these poor abandoned animals. How can people just discard these creatures like trash? Jasper takes extra care with the strays, another reason why I think he is an amazing person with a huge heart.

Jasper heads to the last cage and stops in front of it. “Surprise,” he smiles.

I look confused biting my lip, okay not what I expected unless Indie has shrunk dramatically overnight. Turning to look at his face, his eyes are lit up like a Christmas tree. “Take a closer look.”

I indeed do that, pressing my face millimeters away from the cage. Big mistake, a tiny hiss startles me and a little paw comes swiping at my face. I jump back bumping into Jasper who supports me with his arms.

My back is pressed to his chiseled chest as he whispers lightly into my ear, “I would like you to meet Oscar.”

I cannot tear my eyes away from the tiny black face and big green eyes staring back at me frightened. It is the smallest kitten I have ever laid my eyes upon. I cautiously approach the cage, sticking my finger into the small space. The kitten apprehensively approaches, smelling my finger and then surprisingly letting me pat it under the chin and purring like a lawn mower. I am in love. I have wanted to get another cat since sadly Gabriel my cat died when I was sixteen. I have never gotten another as he was irreplaceable, but this little guy has stolen my heart.

“I knew you two would get along.” Jasper smiles as I turn around looking at him while still stroking Oscar.

“And how did you know that, what are you the animal whisperer?”

“Well apart from that, I knew the little guy had spirit when I found him behind the clinic hunting for food in the dumpster. I took him inside and within ten minutes he picked a fight with a pit-bull, stole my dinner, crapped everywhere but his litter tray and most importantly he’s a grumpy shit like you.”

I laugh and Oscar seems to like the sound as his purring increases an octave.

“Hence the name, he’s grouchy like you are most days.” Jasper is teasing me and quite enjoying it.

I glare at him and attempt to punch him playfully on the arm but he darts out of my path. That’s it, he’s going down.

I chase him around the silver gurney knocking over some supplies but I am determined to make him pay for that comment.

“I am not grouchy and if I am it’s because I have to put up with you.” I giggle, while we are dancing around the table.

“Oh please, you make Oscar the Grouch look like Mary Poppins.” He snorts in laughter, with a devilish gleam in his eyes.

I giggle uncontrollably at his comment because I know I am moody, but I will be damned if I ever admit that to Jasper.

“Surrender.”

“Never. Face facts you and Oscar are a perfect grouchy pair.” He is thoroughly enjoying his taunting, a big smile lighting up his self-righteous face.

That’s it, no more Mr. Nice Guy!

I make a mad dash towards him, as we are on opposite ends of the table. He darts out of the way, but I pick up a saline bottle which somehow explodes on impact when it hits him square in the jaw. Score!

This is my opportunity to entrap him. He is momentarily distracted and I race towards him, attempting to pull him into a tackle. I didn’t however take into consideration the spilled saline and slip colliding into him, taking us both to the floor. Jasper breaks our tumble by falling onto his back with me lying on top of his chest.

Both our chests are rising with the adrenalin of our chase but as my mind comprehends the position we are in, I am breathing uneasy for another reason. His entire body is pressed against mine. He gazes at me with a half-smile, his dimples on show. I am so aware of how close we are and I can’t move.

My cheeks suddenly heat and my heart begins to beat madly as I am aware of what Jasper wants. I can feel the heat of his skin against mine and I gasp at the contact. His smile disappears and he looks at me with such intensity the butterflies in my stomach begin to flutter uncontrollably. He reaches up to brush a runaway hair from my face, his fingers passing gently over my cheek while I involuntarily liquefy.

I stare into those cerulean depths and I feel it. That tickle you usually feel in your belly right before something big is about to happen.

“I surrender,” he whispers huskily, his fingers lingering on my cheek. Why do I feel there is a hidden message behind those two little words?

With his fierce jaw, piercing blue eyes and unruly bedroom hair he looks perfect.

But that’s not what knocks me flat. It’s that impassioned look of desire he is giving me and I know Jasper wants to kiss me. He is looking intently upon my mouth, like it is his sustenance.

I am torn. The sexual chemistry between us is palpable.

I shouldn’t want this for so many reasons, but why does it feel so right, so intrinsic? I feel like a liar after convincing myself I don’t want to explore anything more than friendship with Jasper. Because right now looking at him, looking at his perfect lips I can think of nothing else.

He reaches up closing the agonizing distance between us and I replicate his movements. He smells like Jasper, that fresh comforting smell. Our mouths are millimeters away, and I can feel his warm breath on my cheeks. His breathing is heavy and full of desire, a pool of yearning hits me with such force a soft moan escapes me. He bites his lip, sensing my desire for him and takes two steadying breaths.

His eyes are the deepest blue, and being this close to him I feel like I could stare into those eyes and get lost for an eternity. His eyes burn deeper and he licks his lips, leaving them wet and inviting. I am breathing deeply, in frantic need to kiss him and I realize I have wanted this to happen for a very long time.

I close my eyes and I know we are just a breath away from kissing. That was all it took and I was panting in desperate need to get closer. I open my mouth to let him in but suddenly the front door bell chimes ruining the moment with its loud buzzing.

Pulling back startled I look into Jaspers hungry eyes. He looks…disappointed and annoyed. Has he wanted something like this to happen all along? Have I? Our breathing has quickened to a frenzied rate and I suddenly become very embarrassed.

I push off him quickly, very aware of what we were about to do. Jasper however is far from being bashful; he lies unmoving on the floor eyes raised to the ceiling. His hands are interlaced across his abdomen and he exhales a frustrated sigh, while lightly thumping his head against the floor.

I look at him apprehensively but turn to pat Oscar, anything to not look at his face.

Jasper sighs again but doesn’t speak. I hear him get up and head out the front to attend to whoever walked in on something that could have been amazing.

Oscar is purring away and I am glad for the distraction. What just nearly happened? That was so intense. I have never felt that electricity, that spark before, not even with Harper. What did that mean? I felt terrified but excited at the same time. It was like every part of my body was on fire, and we hadn’t even kissed! Did I want to find out where that fire led?

Abso-fucking-lutely.