I, Partridge (42 page)

Authors: Alan Partridge

BOOK: I, Partridge

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When I wake up each morning, this is what I see: a new dawn, a glittering horizon, a vista ripe with opportunity. It really is one of my favourite posters. I take a sense of boundless optimism with me wherever I go. Along with mouthwash, a clean shirt and a piece of paper containing the phone numbers of my next of kin. Oh yes, I also like to think of myself jumping into that hammock to give the young lady a big kiss and a cuddle, whether she likes it or not!

10 kilometres, 20, 30! Here you can see me eating up the ground on a static exercise cycle. 40 kilometres, 50, 60! I’m throwing my weight behind a campaign to encourage cycling among fat kids. 70 kilometres, 80, 90! This was quality public-service radio but also compelling TV, thanks to the studio webcams I’d suggested we install. 100 kilometres, 200, 300! (No one knows how far I cycled that day. What we do know is that the campaign itself ran into funding difficulties and was discontinued later that month.)

This is yours truly with Sidekick Simon. He is a genuine original and an unbelievably funny man but lost his job on
Mid-Morning Matters
because he basically has an attitude problem. Also, many webcam viewers said they didn’t like his beard – and I agree. It’s too wispy and not a good colour. In this picture we’re pulling funny faces, which was my idea. These impromptu moments of goofing around were an almost hourly occurrence before things turned sour. After I sacked him he threatened to take me to an industrial tribunal. But I put a big Jiffy bag of dog dirt through his letter box and he soon backed off!

Here I am at the North Norfolk Digital desk. I’m not actually on air; it’s just a publicity shot. I keep a few autographed copies in my glove box at all times, in case I get accosted by a fan or need to bribe a bent copper. At the time of writing, I haven’t needed to use them for either. I did once get stopped by a fan at some traffic lights but I just drove off.

Acknowledgements

Pete Gabitas (1958–2005)
Norfolk Range Rover
Dave Millicent
William ‘Bill’ Oddie
Steven Eastwood
All those who have ever doubted me – you only made me stronger
Alvin Krysko (1986–2009)
HRH Prince Charles
Lynn Benfield

First published by HarperCollins
Publishers
2011

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Rob Gibbons, Neil Gibbons, Armando Iannucci and Steve Coogan assert the moral right to be identified as the authors of this work

Picture Credits: Page 1, top © Albanpix Ltd/Rex Features, bottom courtesy of author; page 2, top © Getty Images, bottom courtesy of author; page 3 © Adrian Sherratt/Alamy; page 4 © BBC Photo Library, inset © Tim Rooke/Rex Features; page 5 © Colin Mason/LFI/Photoshot; page 6 © Fremantle Media Ltd; page 7, top & bottom left © BBC Photo Library, bottom right © Brian Rasic/Rex Features; page 8, left © David Pearson/Alamy, right © Andy Drysdale/Rex Features; page 9 © Justin Canning/Comic Relief; page 10, top © BBC Photo Library, bottom © Ken McKay/Rex Features; page 11 © BBC Photo Library; page 12, left © Hera Food/Alamy, right © BBC Photo Library; page 13, left © Alvey and Towers, right © BBC Photo Library; page 14 © BBC Photo Library; page 15, top © BBC Photo Library, bottom © Yuri Arcurs/Alamy; page 16 © Baby Cow Productions/Fostersfunny.co.uk

A catalogue record of this book is available from the British Library

ISBN 978-0-00-744917-0 (hardback)
ISBN 978-0-00-744919-4 (trade paperback)

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