I, Partridge (39 page)

RTE contacts 170–1, 172, 173

ruthlessness of 89, 91

sacks Ponder, live 105, 106

Swallow
pilot 165, 181, 193, 196–8

violence in 135–6, 137, 160, 289

see also individual stations and shows

Partridge, Carol
née
Parry (ex-wife)

body shape, attempted 260

Bouncing Back
, forced to buy 238

Chinese make-up 71

dog-like hair 37

end of marriage 131, 133, 160, 180n

Fernando’s conception 41

Good Food
direct debit 274

jealous of Sue Cook 71

marital infidelity 122–7

marriage 35–6, 39, 128–30, 310n

motive for London visit 60

pregnancy and birth of Fernando 40–3

sex with 36n, 39, 261

summer roadshow incident 121

Partridge, Denise (daughter) 43, 130, 180n, 263, 295–6, 310n

Partridge, Dorothy (mother)

compared to Rover 800 177

death, funeral and wake 244, 245, 247, 249–50

marriage 10–12

neither nice nor important 141

Partridge, Fernando (son) 41–3, 67, 90–1, 130, 143, 236–7, 263, 295–6, 310n

Partridge, Snr (father)

butterfly tennis 7

contraceptive ‘technique’ 5

corporal punishment 8–9

death 244, 247

location post-death 249

marriage 10–12

slips on cake 13–14

wartime service 8, 23

Peacock, Nick 138–40, 142–3

Peaks, Sandra and Clive 96–7

Pepsie & Shirlie 216, 223

Pete (uncle) 250

Philbin, Maggie 70

Ponder, Glen 101, 102–8, 136, 149n

Queen Elizabeth Hospital (King’s Lynn) 4, 18, 46–8, 85, 289–90

Radio 4

God’s favourite shows 249

Knowing Me Knowing You
(
KMKY
) 95–7, 103, 104, 310n

On the Hour
60, 62–8, 74, 103

Radio 5Live 277n

Radio Broadland (Great Yarmouth) 54, 75

Radio North Norfolk
see
North Norfolk Digital

Radio Norwich

Clifton stagnates at 278

Gordale buyout 278

Norfolk Nights
191–2, 248, 258, 259, 282

revamping of 140

Scoutabout
55, 103

Up With the Partridge
142–6, 161, 169–70, 181, 248

upheaval at 277–8

Rider, Steve 160–1, 164

Rigg, Graham 5–6

Rosen, Bernie 97

Rosenthal, Jim 89, 180n

Savile, Jimmy 255

Saxon Radio 53–4

Schofield, Phil 50, 182n

Shayers, Rick 47, 49

Shears, Frank 280

Shepherd, Phil 285

Sinclair, Sir Clive 186

Smear, Kevin 65, 66, 81

Smith, Delia 75

Snook, Bett 55

Sonja (girlfriend) 259–64

Stubbs, Paul 50, 73

Summers, Rupert 110, 116

Susan (Travel Tavern Duty Manager) 151–2, 185–6

Susie (great aunt) 249

Taversham Archery Club 56–8

Thorburn, Cliff 210–11

Travel Tavern (Aylsham) 281

Travel Tavern (Linton)

‘An Afternoon with Alan Partridge’ 169–70, 171–2

expense 189

food at 150–1

matchless roadside views 148

misperceptions of 155

as perineum between metropoles 147

room design, perfection of 148–9

satisfying the businessman 161

staff, analysis of 151–3

Treacle (horse) 226–7, 228, 232

UK Conquest

Skirmish
27, 208–9, 211–12, 215, 310n

Ulvaeus, Björn 96

Valerie (aunt) 13

Vorderman, Carol 207

Walters, Adam 91–2, 96, 97

Welch, Raquel 134, 137

Whitfield, June 206

Wiley, Phil 19–20

Willis, Peter 134

Wilson, Quentin 100–1

Winton, Dale 89, 105, 174n

Witchell, Nicholas 68n, 269

Photo Insert

The place of my birth, The Queen Elizabeth Hospital, King’s Lynn. In an era before MRSA, cleanliness was maintained by a combination of soap and aggressive, largely buxom matrons. NHS car parks were free, too, although those days are now a distant memory. It’s not too bad if you’re just bobbing in to drop off some grapes or beer for a loved one. But for expectant fathers it can be cripplingly expensive, especially if the birth is being slowed down by your wife having an unusually long cervix. (It seems wrong that wealthy dads whose spouses have shorter birth canals and more elastic vaginas should pay less.) The council say they’re trying to encourage people to use public transport but I think that’s horseshit.

Norfolk, 1956. I’d just crawled into this group photo and taken centre stage – nothing changes! I remember being irritated that the girl behind me had put her hands on my shoulder when I was perfectly capable of sitting upright on my own. I don’t know what any of their names are, though some have suggested that the girl is Anne Frank. However, for a number of reasons this seems unlikely.

One of the many places where I attended Scout camp. I remember how we’d all sit around the campfire singing ‘Ging Gang Goolie’ until the sun came up, or until our 10pm bedtime, whichever came sooner. Then we’d all snuggle up in our sleeping bags to tell ghost stories or see who could shine a torch into their mouth for longest. I never got involved with this, wrongly assuming it carried a significant cancer risk. It was while camping at this exact site that I first mastered the sheepshank. People say knot-tying is a useless skill but try telling that to my bin bags!

On the day this was taken, my parents had been called into school by the headmaster because he was concerned my posture had homosexual overtones. He’d been alerted by my tendency to turn in my right knee and my preference for slip-on shoes. Also note that my father had insisted I tuck my tie into my shorts. In terms of psychological abuse, this was just the tip of the iceberg.

A semi-detached house in Edgbaston, Birmingham, much like the one my childhood nemesis Steven McCombe lives in. We never saw eye-to-eye but I’ve moved past that now because I prefer to let bygones be bygones. It’s not, as some have suggested, because I earn a lot more money than he does. It doesn’t matter to me in the slightest that McCombe wouldn’t know the top tax band if it broke into his house and attacked him while he slept. Nor that the engine in my car has double the cubic capacity of his. FYI, I also drive with more skill (e.g. can go round roundabouts using only one hand).

Me, reporting on
The Day Today
, where my beat was sport (plus the Paralympics). I used to warm my voice up beforehand by singing the national anthem to the tune of
Live and Let Die
. Not easy, but it can be done.