I Need You (Learning to Let Go) (12 page)

Sara was just about to ask him if he was alright, when Darrin leaned forward to brace himself on his knees. Staring down at her, he pinned her to the floor with his lust-filled eyes. “Get your ass up on the bed, hell cat.” He softened his words as he smiled, “That was my every wet dream, Sara. Now, I’m gonna return the favor.”

Groceries and work forgotten-for the next hour, Darrin did just that.

S
ara stared at the ceiling in Darrin’s bedroom, watching the faint outline of the fan blades spinning overhead. Her overactive mind was racing tonight, making it hard to sleep. In the past week, Sara had given her two week notice at the pharmacy, received two phone calls from all the resumes she had sent out, and had been officially working for Darrin at the shop. Plus, she had been making it a point to spend as much time with Bryn as she could. Before supper, Darrin had even told her he had signed her up to be a foster caregiver for the local humane society in Amulet. It sounded like a great idea, but the added responsibility right now was making her head swim.

Darrin had fallen asleep pretty much the minute after his head hit the pillow; shortly after they made sweet, tender love to each other. It was amazing how quickly he would drift off; sometimes Sara would catch him sleeping with his eyes open in his recliner. The first time it had happened, she thought he had gone into a trance, but the tell-tale rhythmic breathing gave him away. When he finally did wake up later, she questioned him about it. He explained it away as a military trick from basic training.

Sara had to be up early in the morning to be at the animal shelter for some paperwork before she could officially start caring for any puppies or older dogs. Darrin had told her that she could keep the dog at his farm, and he would help with the care when she wasn’t there. It was sweet that he was so willing to participate, but
he’d
been the one to volunteer her for the task anyway. Darrin roared with laughter when she ribbed him that it was his own damn fault if the dog needed to go outside in the middle of the night, and she wasn’t here. He told her,
I intend for you to sleep here every night, Sara
.

So now her overactive brain was trying to prioritize all the things she would need to do on Saturday, and then Sunday. She also kept overanalyzing all the things that Darrin had said and not said recently. First of all, did he ask her to move in with him tonight? Was the comment about sleeping here every night his way of asking her to live at the farm? Sara didn’t know how she felt about that, since they had only been dating for a month and a half. Plus, in all honesty, since Darrin was closely-guarded with his feelings, there were times that she wasn’t sure if their relationship was going somewhere, or if it had stalled. She had tried several times to talk about his childhood, or being in the Marines, or even other girls that he had dated, but he always just shut down.

Sara rolled over on her stomach, her hand reaching out in the dark for Darrin. It was almost two o’clock in the morning, and she was hoping that she could find some reassurance by his physical presence. Finding the smooth planes of his sculpted back, she used her hand to trace the deep line down his spine and then slowly back up. Her wrist barely brushed the deep circular scar below his shoulder blade, and she stilled her hand.

There was only once that she had asked him where he got this particular scar from, and his face turned dark as he answered, “The fucking desert, that’s where.” His voice alone made her want to run far, far away, but she instead opted to escape to a nice, hot shower and then to bed. Darrin had quietly slipped into the shower, lifting her up so that he could impale her with his slippery cock. His forcefulness was a big turn on for her, making her resulting orgasm mind boggling. Afterwards, she couldn’t help but feel hurt for herself and for Darrin. He was obviously holding on to some seriously painful memories, but she had no idea how to bring them out of him.

Darrin started to stir, making Sara retract her hand. Darrin reached out his arm, curling it around her waist, pulling her flush against his side. “What’s wrong, Sara?” he said around a yawn.

Nestling in to his embrace, Sara repeated the yawn before answering, “Just thinking, that’s all. Sorry I woke you.”

“What you thinkin’ about?”

Sara blurted out the answer, flinching at the words as they left her mouth, “You, me, us. That sort of stuff.”

Darrin rolled over onto his back, scooting his butt underneath him so that he was propped up against the headboard. Scrubbing his face with his hands, he gave her a wary smile. “Kind of heavy for the middle of the night, don’t ya think, doll baby?”

Sara had rolled over onto her stomach at the same time, propping herself up on her elbows. Trying to appear like she wasn’t upset, Sara shrugged, “Do you know of a better time to think about it?”

Darrin gave her a non-committal shrug of his shoulders. “Not really.”

The silence between them stretched on and on; Sara almost wondered if Darrin had fallen back to sleep sitting up. When she looked back up at him, he returned her shaky smile. Sara sat up in the middle of the bed, wrapping a bed sheet around her naked body. Darrin just laughed as she fumbled with the crumpled sheets. She brushed her mussed hair out of her face, steeling her nerves for what she knew was going to be a loaded question, “Why don’t you ever talk to me, Darrin?”

“What do you mean, ‘I don’t talk to you?’ We talk all the time. In fact, I rarely talk to anyone else but you anymore, Sara.”

His words were double-edged, making her fragile moment of strength wane. The door was open, and Sara decided that she was going to finish the discussion this time, not let him shut down again. Steeling her nerves against the impending battle, Sara continued, “I mean about anything inside here.” She tapped on the side of his head with her index finger. “Every time I try to discuss anything in your past, or feelings, or plans for the future, you shut down.”

“What do you want to talk about, Sara? What is so fucking important that you don’t know about me that it has you all tied up in knots?”

“Tell me how you got the scar on your back, Darrin.”

“Not happening, Sara. It’s not important.”

“Ok, let’s go with something simple. What’s your middle name?”

“Michael. Darrin Michael James.”

Sara shook her head up and down, before firing her next question at him, “When did you lose your virginity?”

Darrin feigned irritation as he answered, “Sixteen. You?”

Sara narrowed her eyes on him as she answered, “Same.”

The mood in the room had obviously shifted to hostility, so Sara decided to pull out the big guns. “Ok, how about you tell me about your childhood before you moved here to Amulet?”

Darrin glared at her for a second, before dropping his eyes to a spot on the bed. He didn’t look back up at her as he answered, “Why is this so important to you?”

“Because you are important to me, Darrin. I have known you my whole life, and I hardly know anything about you. I’m trying to get closer to you.”

Darrin jumped out of bed, grabbing his jeans off the floor, yanking them back on. Fury lined his face as he yelled, “I warned you off of me a long time ago, Sara. That time in my truck after your sister’s accident, and then again at the beach. I thought you understood that this is all I can give. You fucking told me you would take me anyway you could get me!” He threw his arms up in the air to emphasize his point.

Sara didn’t shrink back from his threatening posture; she felt her shoulders lifting defiantly. “I’m trying to find a middle ground here, Darrin. You talk sometimes about forever with us, and if that is where you think this is headed, there are things about you that I would like to know. Things that might help me understand you better. That’s all.”

“You know me better than anyone else in this whole fucking world, Sara. Even my own brother! This is me. Right here. I don’t show my emotions, but I use actions to make damn sure you know what you mean to me. I don’t have any secrets that are gonna bite me in the ass someday if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“No, damn it, Darrin. That’s not why I’m doing this. When you shut me out of these things, it hurts me. I want you to feel comfortable with me. Be able to share everything with me, Darrin.”

“And if I can’t, is that it? Will you walk away if I can’t spill my guts to you every time I have a fleeting emotion?”

Sara could feel her anger bubbling up inside her, ready to explode. “Don’t be a dick, Darrin. You know that’s not what I meant.”

Darrin grabbed a shirt off the floor, flinging it over his head as he answered, “You know what, fuck this. If you don’t want me the way I am, the door’s that way.” He pointed down the hallway. “If you’re worried about money, I already prepaid your rent on the trailer for a few months. I will give you a glowing reference for any of those other places that called you, too.”

Sara could feel the tears burning the backs of her eyes as she curled her knees up to her chest, wrapping her arms around them. She had started to rock back and forth on the bed as the tears started to fall down her face. “You’re not a paycheck to me, Darrin. You never were.”

Painful minutes passed before either of them managed to even glance at each other. Even in the darkened room, Sara could see the strained look on Darrin’s face. There was another emotion there, too; Sara could only hope that it was remorse. The silence stretched on, and neither one of them would concede.

Finally, Darrin sat down on the bed, reaching out with both arms, until Sara finally crawled over to his embrace. She was mad as hell at him, but she needed to feel his strong embrace right now. Plus, he was reaching out for her; that was at least something.

“Where do we go from here, Sara?”

Sniffling into his shirt, she answered, “I don’t know, Darrin. Are you willing to meet me half-way here? Or is this a brick wall for us?”

Sighing into her hair, Darrin pulled her closer. “I can only tell you that I will try, Sara. You can’t expect miracles from me, though. I’m not used to
expressing myself
.” He used a sappy voice when he said the last two words.

Sara laughed as she pulled back from his arms. “I don’t expect you to pull up a shrink’s couch and dump everything on me, Darrin. Could you try to say one thing a day to me that is out of the realm of normal for you?”

“Like what?” he asked with an eyebrow cocked.

“We can figure it out as we go. I don’t care if it’s as simple as telling me your favorite color, or favorite flavor of ice cream. Just try to step out of your comfort zone a little.” Trying to lighten the mood, Sara added, “Then maybe someday you can share with me stuff like, your favorite sexual position.”

Sara squeaked as he lifted her up out of the sheets she had clutched around her chest, laying her down on the bed, as he crawled over top of her. “I can answer that one right now. Any position where I’m inside you is my favorite.”

Sara giggled as he started to nibble on her ear, licking a path down her neck to her collarbone. Darrin mumbled into her skin, “Make up sex?”

Sara could feel Darrin’s walls going back up and that the conversation was officially over. Not bothering to answer his question, Sara moaned as he continued to nip and lick every inch of her body. If this was how he best expressed his emotions, then yes, she would take what she could get, and worry about the consequences later.

T
he Saturday morning sun came all too early for Sara’s liking. It seemed like mere moments ago she had shut her eyes, her brain finally accepting some respite. Now there were faint wisps of light peeking through the edges of the blinds as her alarm on her phone was blaring. She had an appointment this morning at the humane society to meet with the Director of Placements before she could begin fostering a dog. Well, since the dog was going to be staying at Darrin’s,
they
would be fostering a puppy. Sara had repeatedly brought this up, reminding him that he should come, too. Shrugging her off every time, he would just say that he had already filled out his half of the paperwork.