I Love You, Always (12 page)

This song I wrote for her works best with acoustic, and in here it will sound amazing because the club is actually set up perfectly for something like this. This is the song I created for her the night she told me she loved me for the first time. I have never played it all the way through before.

I take a deep breath, moving the pick through my fingers as I stare at the beautiful instrument I’m holding in my arms. It is absolutely amazing and I have to slowly breathe out before strumming against the strings. I play a few chords, move through some notes first, just getting used to it. It’s already tuned and I can’t help but smile again, knowing this is why Jared and Damien were here earlier. The guitar is magnificent; but Ash, fuck she is just amazing. And here tonight, alone in this club with no one but Asha, is unbelievable, completely indescribable.

To play like this, just for her.

To watch her as I start to sing, just to her.

To sing the words that I wrote, just for her, with no one else around us.

My body is humming, itching, begging me to touch her, but her face as she listens to these words I’ve created for her, keep me on the stage, make me want to finish this song. It’s intense and amazing and insanely personal and she is the only one who truly understands it, the only one who knows what these lyrics really mean.
To me, to her, and to us.
I wouldn’t want to share this moment with anyone but her.

When I finish it, she is on her feet, a huge smile on her face now. I stand, take the guitar from my shoulder and walk to the edge of the stage, stepping down to the floor and walking straight into her arms. She wraps them around me, and I wrap mine around her, the guitar she has given me resting against her back.

“That was amazing,” she breathes out.

“No Asha, that’s
you
.”

She pulls back a little and looks me in the eye. “So, the guitar is good?”

I smile at her. “The guitar is unbelievable, but you, you are so fucking amazing, Asha, seriously, I can’t believe this.”

She laughs now, but I silence her with a kiss. She kisses me back and I’m trying to put the guitar down without letting her go or taking my mouth off hers when she pulls back again. “Oh, wait, there’s more,” she says.

I take the opportunity to lean my new guitar against the chair. “More?”

“Yeah,” she says quietly. “More.”

We are standing watching each other, and there’s a look on Ash’s face that I can’t read. She smiles; a tiny smile before she reaches down and slowly lifts up her shirt. My eyes travel downwards and I watch as she pushes her jeans down, the top of a bandage sticking out from them. I look back at her face and she raises one eyebrow at me, smiling as she says, “I wanted to keep it with me forever.”

I look back down and when I see what she has done, my heart stops in my chest for the second time tonight. I can’t help myself as I sink to my knees in front of her, my eyes quickly flicking back up to her face. She’s smiling down at me as she holds the bandage back and suddenly, the reason why she disappeared for so long today, all makes sense. My eyes move back down her body and I take in the sight that’s right in front of me now.

These words. Words I created for her. Words I sang to her, literally two minutes ago.

you
are forever a part of me

i
am forever a part of you

My thumb brushes gently over the words, which are now tattooed
forever
into her skin. They sit on her hip, just below her fading scar and I’m completely speechless at the sight of these two permanent marks, side by side on her body.
One of them, a symbol of her saving my life and rediscovering her own.
And the other, a symbol of my infinite love for her and the love she gives me in return.

I lean in and press my lips to her skin, unable to say anything. I feel her hand brush over the top of my head and my eyes close in response. Her skin is warm against my mouth and she smells incredible and I just don’t know what to say about the gift she has given me tonight. The guitar is one thing, but this, this is so much more.

“Asha,” I breathe against her.

She runs her hand over my head again and I finally look up, my lips still touching her skin. “You like?” she whispers to me.

My fingers tighten on her hips. “I love, Asha, I love.”

I kiss her skin again before pulling myself back up. Holding her face in my hands I whisper, “I love my guitar and I love these words you’ve put on your body.” I lean in and kiss her softly. “But more than anything, I love you, Ash. You
are
my forever.” And then I wrap my arms around her, pulling her close as I kiss her again and again; amazed at everything she’s done for me.

“So can I please take you home now?” I eventually ask, both of us breathless.

She smiles up at me. “Not yet. We have one more stop first.”

“One more
stop
?” I practically groan.

“Yes,” she answers laughing. “There are plans for tomorrow too, and things that need to happen tonight to make those happen.”

I shake my head in amazement, again. “Asha, why are you doing all these things for me?”

She presses up on her toes to kiss me again. “Only what you deserve, Luke. So it’s gonna take a few hours, do you want to leave now or have another drink first?” She glances at her watch. “We have time.”

I shake my head no as I wrap my arms tighter around her waist, picking her up as I practically growl, “Definitely leave now. I need to take you to bed, as soon as possible.” She laughs and I have to kiss her just to show her how much I mean it. Right now, I need to turn this around and show
her
just how much I appreciate not only the gifts,
but
her. So fucking much.

I wake up wrapped around her. I have no idea what time it is and Ash is still asleep, so I don’t move, just stay right here with her in my arms. She’s got her back pressed against my front, curled inside me and my arms are wrapped around her, the fingers of one of our hands entwined together. This bed we’re in is huge and insanely comfortable. The remnants of our very late dinner are sitting on the small table in the corner and our clothes are scattered all over the floor.

She never took me home last night. She took me to the train station instead, picking up an overnight bag I’d missed, sitting by the door of the club. The one more stop became four agonisingly hot and frustrating hours spent trying not to touch her too indecently as we sat on the train. Then we got to New York and were on our way to this amazing hotel down in the village. We haven’t left the room since we checked in, getting room service and eating it in bed. I don’t actually think we’ve left the bed since we got here either, mainly because I just can’t keep my hands off her. I’m pretty sure I haven’t wiped the smile off my face either.

Ash slowly rolls over in my arms, so she’s lying on her back. I can’t help but run my hand down the side of her naked body. Starting from her neck, I slide it down over her shoulder, then her elbow, across her ribs and down her stomach, her hips, all the way to her thigh. I can’t reach any further without moving, so I lightly run my fingers back up to her hipbone and the gorgeous gift she gave me last night. I trace the outline of the letters and catch her smiling at me, even though her eyes are still closed. As I smooth my fingers over the words, I hear her breathing quicken.

“Luke?” she whispers.

I press my lips to her neck. “Yes, Asha?”

“We
are
going sightseeing today.”

I smile. “Oh, I’m doing exactly that, right now, beautiful girl.”

She laughs and I watch the way her body moves, mesmerised. “I mean real sightseeing.”

I smooth my thumb over her new tattoo, the redness of it already disappearing, the bandage long ago pulled off. Shit, it is so fucking sexy, seeing my words, words that I created just for her, forever branded into her skin. It’s done in the finest of black inks and it looks so goddamn amazing, I can’t help leaning in and pressing a soft kiss against it.

“This is definitely real sightseeing,” I murmur against her skin, pressing more kisses all over her stomach and along her ribs.

She laughs again, reaching down and pulling me back up to her face. Smiling, she looks at me with her eyes open now and says, “Happy birthday, Luke.”

I smile as I lean in to kiss her lips. “Best birthday ever.”

She exhales and whispers. “Okay, your birthday, your choice what we do.”

I know from the way she says it, she doesn’t care what we do, and that it really is my choice. But I also know she will have ideas, has possibly made plans for today and I don’t want to ruin that for her. “Let me do this for just a little longer,” I breathe against her lips as my hand slides down her body again. “Then we’ll go sightseeing.”

She groans now. “Mmmm, okay I’m convinced.”

“Room service or out for breakfast?” she asks, glancing at her watch. The little while longer turned into three hours
later.
But it’s been three fucking fantastic hours spent in bed and then in the shower. Three hours spent touching her and kissing her all over. Three hours of her touching and kissing me all over. Easily, three of the best hours of my life, and without a doubt, the greatest birthday I’ve ever had. I watch as she pulls on a sweater, hiding her beautiful body from my eyes.

I smile. “Out. If we stay here, I’m gonna pull all those clothes off you again.”

She walks over to me, kisses me quickly on the lips. “Your choice.” And then it’s me groaning as she grabs my hand and asks, “Hungry?”

I pull her closer to me. “Always,” I growl against her lips.

She laughs, kisses me quickly and drags me from the room. “Come on, let’s get you replenished.”

I laugh as I follow her out, thinking she probably needs the replenishment too. I’m not disappointed to go out, I love New York. And even though the idea of spending a day in bed in our amazing hotel room, doing all sorts of wicked things to her, drives me insane with desire. I also know that we are in one of the coolest cities in the world and it would be wrong not to go out.

“Thank you, Asha,” I whisper against her lips as I pull her towards me when we reach the elevator. “Thank you for last night, for today. For so many things.”

She smiles at me. “I just wanted to give you a good birthday this year, especially as I missed it last year.”

I wrap my arms around her tightly. “Best birthday ever, without a doubt, one of my most favourite days.”

Smiling against my lips, I hear her whisper, “One of your most favourites? Aren’t you supposed to have only one favourite?”

I pull us both into the elevator when the doors open, not letting go of her as I hit the button for the foyer. “I don’t care, I can’t limit it to just one,” I say, lightly brushing my fingertips across her cheek.

“What are some of the others then?” she asks, tightening her arms around my waist.

I smile at her, bending down to press a kiss against her neck. “Where to start, Ash, that would be the question.”

“What do you mean?” she asks.

Smiling against her skin, I slowly kiss up her neck as I whisper in her ear, “Well, for starters, I’d need to count up all the seconds I’ve been with you to answer that one.”

I pull back and watch her face melt into a beautiful smile. A smile that reaches her eyes and lights up her whole face. The exact smile I want to wake up to for the rest of my life. And then before I can start telling her about each and every one of them, she says the only words I want to hear for the rest of my life.

“I love you.”

And all I can do is kiss her and add another favourite to the list.

Can still feel the hurt, buried deep in my bones

The pain that I carry, it brings me back home

I thought I’d already said my goodbyes

But the truth is just a pack of lies

∞

“Ready to go?” Ash asks me, standing beside our suitcases as she takes one last look around the room we won’t be back to for at least three months, probably longer if everything pans out. We’re finally leaving for L.A. today. Back to the city I longed to escape from, to make an album that’s always been a dream for us.

“Yeah, think so,” I say, walking towards her.

Ash slides her arms around my waist. “This is the start of it, you know,” she says, pressing up on her toes to kiss me. “This is the start of everything for you guys.”

I wrap my arms around her shoulders, pulling her closer. “Yeah, I know it is,” I say, not wanting to admit that going back there actually scares the fuck out of me. I kiss her again, trying to distract myself, before we grab our bags and walk out of our room.

The record label has sent a van to pick us all up, and we are the last stop. The others are all laughing, excited about finally leaving and I can’t help but smile. I am excited about making this record, really excited about the opportunity we’ve been given. I just have to somehow pretend that we are not doing it in L.A. I have to try and ignore what is potentially waiting for me in that city.

We make it to the airport and as we stand in line, I slide my arms around Ash’s waist and feel her body melt back against mine. I lower my mouth to her neck and kiss her soft skin, knowing she is the perfect distraction to what’s going on inside my head right now.

“Mmmm, I need some coffee,” she murmurs as my lips brush against her skin, kissing a slow trail up to her ear.

“I’ll get you some when we check in, okay?” I whisper.

Her head falls back against my shoulder and I open my eyes, see her smiling face looking up at me. “Thank you,” she says quietly, her hand sliding around to the back of my head and pulling me towards her lips.

I smile as I lower my mouth to hers, somehow completely unaware of all the other people around us anymore. We’re standing in the check-in line at the airport. The rest of the guys are in front of us, flights are being called and bags are being bumped all around us, but the only thing I’m seeing right now is Asha.

I feel her smile against my lips as my hands flatten against her stomach, all sorts of wicked thoughts running through my brain. I slide my thumbs under the waistband of her jeans as I pull her tighter against me so my whole body is now pressed against hers.
My legs on either side of her, holding her to me.

“God, Luke,” she groans, her eyes closing. “Are you trying to drive me crazy here?”

I smile, kissing her again. “Well, you are always driving me crazy, Ash.”

“Really?” she asks, her eyes open and looking at
me
as though she’s not sure what I mean.

“Oh yeah.” I say, as my thumbs start to lightly caress her skin.

“But in a good way?” she asks.

I can’t help but smile at her. “Mmmm, in a very good way,” I say, knowing she distracts me in all the best ways too. “Although at first, it was more of an
I am so in love with you and it’s driving me crazy because all I wanna do is kiss you
, kinda way.”

She laughs. “And now?”

“Now, Asha,” I whisper, my thumbs skimming over her hipbones, causing her to groan as I put my mouth against her ear. “Now it’s more of an I am
really
crazy in love with you and I just can’t
stop
kissing you and touching you, kinda way. Ever.”

“Luke,” she moans, turning around in my arms so my hands slide around her waist and rest against the curve of her spine. Brushing her lips against mine she whispers, “I really like the sound of that.” And then she kisses me and I swear, if we weren’t standing in line at the airport I’d be ripping her clothes off right now.

“Ah, come on love birds, do you two ever fucking stop?” Ben suddenly asks, breaking the moment. It’s probably just as well because I am so turned on right now I’m not sure what I’m likely to do. “Just check in already, then you can go and join the mile high club like the rest of us have,” he adds laughing, loud enough for half the check-in line to hear.

I smile as Ash pulls her lips away from mine, her eyes alive with happiness and I can’t resist saying, “Mmmm that’s not such a bad idea.”

“What?”

I bend down and put my mouth to her ear. “Joining the mile high club.” Ash buries her face in my neck laughing and I wrap my arms around her tightly, walking her backwards as our line starts to move forward. She breathes against my neck, still laughing and I look down at her again. “What?” I ask.

“Oh nothing, just Ben and his big mouth. I don’t know how Sarah puts up with it,” she says smiling.

“Are you gonna be able to put up with it?” I ask.

“What do you mean?” she says looking up at me, still wrapped tightly in my arms.

“L.A., together, for three months, Ash. It’s gonna be a long time.”

She smiles again. “Well, technically it will be longer, remember? The tour afterwards.”

I squeeze my arms, walking us forward in the line again. “Yeah, shit, it will be won’t it? God, even I’m wondering if I’ll be able to put up with him.”

Ash laughs and kisses me. “It’ll be cool, Luke, as long as we can be together, I don’t care.”

I hold her against my lips now. “Always,” I whisper and then I kiss her again.

After we’re all checked in, we head through security and I grab Ash her much promised coffee. The seven of us head to our gate to wait until our flight is called. We’ve decided to all stay together in L.A., rent one house and just live together out in Santa Monica beach. Considering we’re
gonna
be there for at least three months, it’s a gamble, but I’m happy. More than anything, I’m just happy Ash is with me. I couldn’t care less about where we stay. After everything that’s happened, I can’t bear the thought of ever being apart from her, even for one night. We never have so far, not since that very first night she spent with me. Even when she was in the hospital I stayed with her. And I know, this is something I’m going to make sure never changes, ever.
No matter what.

I’d give all of this up for Ash if I had to. And it would be worth it.

Pete is here too, he was a given. Sarah hasn’t come, but her and Ben still seem to be on. The goodbye she gave him ten minutes ago certainly suggests they are. And of course my sister is here, but I have no idea how she’s feeling about going back to L.A. either. Neither of us has good memories of this place, but I’m glad that even though we are both going back, this time she has Jared with her. Fuck knows, our shithead father created enough problems for them too.

“Mmmm, perfect,”
Ash
mutters leaning her head against my shoulder, distracting me as we sit on the bench seats at our gate.

I shift my arm, wrapping it around her shoulders and pull her closer. “Feel better now?” She smiles as she looks up at me and I lean in to give her a kiss, the taste of coffee still on her lips.

“Thank you,” she whispers.

“Always, my beautiful girl, always.”

Yeah, I’m never giving her up; I know that now more than ever. After nearly losing her like I did, I’m never giving her up. And she alone will make being back in L.A. bearable.

Six hours later and our plane starts its descent into LAX. I’m in the aisle seat, but I can still see the sprawling city out of the window as we fly in over it. My skin crawls in response and it has nothing to do with the disgusting layer of brown smog that blankets the endless sprawl of concrete.

I really don’t want to be back here and I’m beginning to wonder if I was kidding myself thinking I could do this. This city is nothing but nightmares and bad memories, even now. I spent nineteen years wondering who I was when I lived here, and one day was all it took for me to finally work out that I would never know who that person was until I left. I wish leaving had been all it took, but it wasn’t. I wouldn’t necessarily say things got worse, but they certainly didn’t get better right away.

Ash’s hand squeezes my thigh and I turn my gaze from the window to her, and see her worried look, her eyes holding mine. I reach out, my thumb gently brushing the crease that’s formed between her eyes. “Okay?” I ask, automatically.

She catches my hand as I lower it from her face, gripping it in both of hers. “This isn’t you coming back here, you know,” she says. I’m about to tell her I know this, when she continues. “It’s a new chapter, Luke, a completely different story. This is your dream and this is just a city, it could be any city. This is not you returning to your past.”

I smile, leaning in to kiss her quickly. “I love you, beautiful girl, so much,” I whisper against her lips.

Ash lets go with one of her hands and raises it, silencing my lips with her finger. “I’m serious, Luke. Don’t even think about him, not at all. He’s got nothing to do with why you’re back here.”

I gently bite her finger, continuously surprised by the woman sitting opposite me. The woman who has changed so much from the one I first fell in love with, but at the same time, is no different. She is still incredible and she still owns me completely. But it’s the new lease on life she has that really gets me now. It’s her wanting to live, it’s her knowing exactly what I’m thinking without me ever having to say anything, and always knowing the right thing to say in return.

As my teeth nibble at her finger, I watch the smile slowly spread across her face. “Don’t think I don’t know you’re trying to distract me, mister,” she says, her smile getting bigger as I start to gently suck on her finger. “It’s not working you know.”

I raise my eyebrows at her as I suck a little harder. She tries to pull her finger from my mouth, but I follow her, leaning in so my lips are now touching hers, her finger no longer in my mouth. “Are you sure about that?” I whisper against her lips.

“Not fair,” she breathes out before I silence her with my mouth.

She’s right though. I am trying to distract her. But I’m also trying to distract myself. I promised myself when I left this city that I’d never come back here, no matter what. After everything that happened, I never wanted to set foot in L.A. again.

Because I wasn’t going to remember this life, not after trying so hard to get away from it.
My life here is so far away from the life I have now. Back then I never expected anything good to ever happen, because it felt like time and time again it hadn’t. When you spend your life dealing with disappointment, it can be hard to get excited about anything. But now, everything has changed, in so many ways. Dreams I never even dared to have are suddenly starting to come true. Asha, music, my friends, Mia; this was all stuff I’d only dreamed about. And although I don’t like to think he has the power to destroy any of it, I’m still afraid.

Yet here I am, about to spend the next three months living here and all I can do is hope I don’t run into him. Because I’m afraid of what will happen if I see him again, and not just because of what he could do to all of these dreams. I’m afraid that next time, despite my best intentions, despite never wanting to be anything like him, it will be my fist connecting with his face.

And I’m scared of what it means that I can even think like this.