I Love You, Always (4 page)

I feel my heart breaking / Shattering inside

Your body so broken / Life letting you go

And ripping out pieces of me

∞

“So are you going to tell me about your plans then?” Ash asks, grabbing my hand as we head towards the back door of the club to go home. It’s nearly three in the morning, but I’m still buzzing from everything that’s happened tonight.

I smile down at her. “Nope, only that you are all mine for the entire duration of your birthday.”

She wraps her other hand around my arm pulling me against her, laughing as she says, “You know, it doesn’t need to be my birthday for that.”

I smile and press a kiss to the top of her head as we walk outside and into the alley. Handing Ash my guitar, I quickly help the guys load up Ben’s van so everyone can get out of here. “You guys coming with us?” I ask Mia and Jared.

I watch as they stand staring at each other, barely glancing in my direction, probably not even hearing me. Without taking his eyes off my sister Jared says, “Go on ahead, we’ll catch you,” not answering my question.

Grabbing my guitar back from Ash, I wrap an arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer as I whisper, “What do you think, something going on between those two again?”

When I look down I see her smiling at them as she says, “Let’s hope so.”

We quickly say goodbye to everyone before heading towards the end of the alley. It’s cold tonight, but there’s no snow yet. Ash’s hand feels cold in mine, so I bring it to my lips and blow warm air on it. She looks up at me and smiles and I’m about to tell her that I love her, when someone steps in front of us. Turning, I feel my stomach clench with a sickening fear.

“Hand over the fuckin’ gear,” the man’s voice snarls at us. Almost immediately my eyes register the gun that is pointing at us. Instinctively I pull Ash closer, putting my body between her and this man. “I won’t say it again asshole, hurry the fuck up.”

The “No,” comes out as a reflex and I’m not sure what I’m referring to when I say it. My voice sounds strange, like it’s coming from somewhere else or doesn’t belong to me. But there is one thing that is coming through loud and clear.

Fear.

My heart is racing, pounding in my chest, and I’m suddenly really fucking terrified about what I think is going to happen.

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Everything is moving way too fast now. Suddenly Ash is in front of me, screaming, and I’m pulling on her hand, desperately trying to pull her behind me. At the same time I’m handing this guy my guitar.

I don’t give a fuck about it, take it,
take
it. Please take it and fuck off.

Just leave her alone.

Leave her alone.

I see him smile at us, actually fucking smile at us. I watch as Ash moves her body right in front of me now, her voice saying words I can’t understand. I’m yanking on her hand, trying to pull her back.

Asha please.

My guitar lands on the ground, a dull thump that is broken by a crack, so loud it’s painful. And then I hear Asha scream and my blood curdles, my stomach churning in way that makes me think I’m going to be sick. At the same time, my heart stops so suddenly in my chest and with an ache so bad, I wonder how I’m still standing. Searing pain radiates through me now as her body is thrown backwards, crashing into mine. Something is wrong, so very fucking wrong.

I catch her as she sinks to the ground.

Someone calls out her name. She’s lying in my arms and there is blood everywhere. Everywhere.

It’s falling out of her.

She groans.

There is blood everywhere.

I kiss her, desperately. She’s so cold but I can’t tell if it’s because of the weather tonight or something else. Her hands were cold only moments ago. I push down on her stomach, try to stop the blood and she groans loudly, painfully. My hands are covered in blood now.

Her blood.

Her blood.

It’s everywhere.

Asha please, please.

We are surrounded. I’m holding her in my arms. Her eyes are closed but I can’t take mine off her. I’m screaming, begging her to stay with me. People are talking, crowding around us.

Asha please, please, please.

I push down on her stomach again, but this time she makes no sound. I put my lips to her forehead. It’s so cold, so fucking cold. My heart is breaking, breaking. It’s being ripped apart, right inside my chest.

Asha PLEASE!

Someone is pulling me away from her.

“NO!”

“Sir please, let us
help
her.”

I can’t let go of her. I pull her towards me, holding her tight, but someone is pulling me away from her.

“Luke, come on, let them help her. You need to let them help her.” I look up and see Mia trying to pull me away. Trying to pull me away from her.

“I can’t.”

“Let them help her Luke. You need to let her go.”

I can’t, I can’t. I can’t let her go.

Mia pulls me harder and my arms slide out from underneath Ash. I lunge back towards her, but there are hands holding me back, stopping me. I stand frozen to the spot, watching as two strangers move over her. Touch her. I want to hold her again, protect her. I need to hold her.

“Sir, do you know this woman?” I’m watching as a mask is put on her face and an IV stuck in her arm. A gurney is nearby and they lift her on to it. “Sir?”

“Luke.” I feel Jared push me forward. I glance at him as I step towards her.

“Do you know this woman?” one of the paramedics asks me. I nod. “Are you coming with us?” he asks, as they wheel her away from me.

I nod again, walking towards her. Her arm slides out and I see her hand hanging off the gurney. Empty. I run towards her now and take her hand in mine. It’s cold, so cold and I can’t remember if it’s colder than it was before.

“Okay then, let’s move.”

In the ambulance I sit to the side, watching these people as they lift Asha’s shirt up.
The same shirt that I lifted from her only hours ago.
I see a bloodied hole in her body, her beautiful body, which I was kissing only hours ago. She is covered in blood, it’s everywhere, everywhere that my hands were touching only hours ago.

I can’t look.

I turn back to her face. She looks like she’s sleeping so I lean down to whisper to her like I do every night when she’s sleeping beside me. “Asha, I love you,” I say, although it’s not enough. “Please, please stay with me.”

She doesn’t respond. When she’s sleeping, she always responds, turning her face into my neck. I can always feel her warm breath on my skin, her smile and her kisses, even if her eyes never open.

“Asha, please, please don’t leave me. I need you.”

Nothing. She doesn’t move.

I bend down and kiss her forehead. It’s so cold. I want to kiss her lips, but the mask is in the way. I don’t even know if she’s breathing.

“Asha,” I try once more. “Please, beautiful, please. I love you.”

Please Asha…please…

The ambulance suddenly stops and the back doors are opened. Her gurney is pulled from the ambulance and I stumble out as I try to keep holding on to her hand. We are running through the doors, I don’t stop and I don’t look where we are going, but suddenly there are people everywhere. Men and women in greens and blues surround her and start working. I see her clothes cut off. I see wires connected to her. I watch a tube get stuck down her throat.

I feel my heart start to break all over again at what is happening to her. It feels like pieces of me are dying, like tiny pieces of me are being ripped from my body, one by one. I can feel the pieces of my heart, slowly being torn from my chest. I’m dying here and I don’t know how to make any of this stop.

Someone tells me to leave.

“NO!”

Fuck, people are running everywhere. There’s a loud beeping coming from the machine Ash is connected to.

“Sir, you’re going to have to leave.”

I can’t, I can’t. I can’t leave her.

A loud piercing noise suddenly breaks through everything. I turn to the machine she is connected to and see a flat line. A green flat line that is moving in time with the piercing noise.

It is the worst noise in the world to me. It’s piercing a hole right through my fucking heart. I step towards her without thinking, grab her hand and bring it to my lips.

Please Asha, please beautiful.

I’m pulled away from her, pushed back into the corner where I can’t touch her anymore. Her ring comes off in my hands as I’m forced to let her go and I slide it on to my finger, keeping it safe for her. Keeping it for when she comes back to me. She needs to come back to me.

Please Asha, please.

I watch as they push a different machine towards her now. As someone rubs two paddles together and then places them on her chest.

“CLEAR!”

Oh God, oh fuck…no, no, no, no, fuck, please no.

Ash’s body arches up off the bed and then flops back down. Everyone turns to the machine but I keep my eyes on her.

Please Asha, please come back to me.

“CLEAR!”

It happens again. Her body arching up, before it flops down with a thud.

And again.

Thud.

And again.

Thud.

I can’t bear it, I can’t watch it, I can’t do this, I can’t, I can’t.

I can’t
fucking
live without her. Please, please.

Asha, please, please come back to me. Please.

“CLEAR!”

Her body arches once more, but this time I hear it.

Beep, beep,
beep
.

They are slow, but they’re there.

“Okay, she’s back,” someone says.

“Is she alive?”

“We’ve got to get her up to surgery.”

“Is she alive?”

“Let’s hang three more units, pack this and page surgery, tell them we’re on our way.”

“IS SHE ALIVE?”

I suddenly realise it’s me who’s screaming these words and someone turns towards me. A woman, her face is kind as she says to me, “She’s back with us, but we need to take her for surgery. Wait down here and someone will come and speak with you.”

I feel hands pushing me out of the room, but I don’t want to leave her. “No, please, I have to stay with her.”

“Sir, please come with me, let them take her to surgery.”

I’m pulled from the room, away from her. I feel numb, cold, like the world is moving around me and I’m not a part of it anymore. I’m empty and the only thing that can make me whole again is gone. She is gone. I need to get her back. I need her.

Asha, please come back to me.

I walk through some doors and I’m engulfed in a pair of arms. Mia. I feel someone squeeze my shoulder and I look up and see Jared. He’s looking at me with so much sympathy on his face it makes my chest hurt. He knows how I feel about Ash, how much I love her. He’s had to live through months of me wanting her and then months of me having her. And he never once complained. Never once told me to shut up or asked me, or her, to leave. He just let us be together, let her live there with us. He puts up with all of my shit, he always has and he’s always been there for me.

Arms are pulling me in every direction, every direction but the one I want to go in. Ash has gone one way and I’m forced to go the other. Someone pushes me into a chair. I lower my head into my hands but notice they are covered in blood.

Her blood.

It’s all over my hands.

It’s everywhere.

Her blood.

There are tears falling into my hands now and I don’t care anymore. I bury my face in her blood, trying to wash it all away.

Asha, please, please come back to me.

“Luke,” I hear Jared say. “Are you alright?”
I don’t even look up
,
just shake my head
. How can I possibly be okay right now? “Are you hurt?” he asks, his voice lower. Yes I’m hurt, my fucking heart has broken and I have no idea if I’m going to be able to fix it. No fucking idea.

“He’s not,” I hear Mia whisper. “It’s Ash’s blood.”

Just the sound of her name has me moaning, agonising pain spreading throughout me. How is it possible to hurt this much and still be alive? Maybe I’m not, maybe this is all a dream or a nightmare or what hell feels like. Because I can’t possibly be some place good right now. It just isn’t possible.

I don’t know how long I sit here for. I don’t move. I’m frozen in place because the one place I want to be, the one person I want to be with, is gone. I’m vaguely aware of somebody cleaning my hands, my face. I think
it’s
Mia. My shirt is removed. The same shirt Ash lifted off me only hours ago. I wonder if she will ever do that again.