I Kissed Dating Goodbye (9 page)

By the time the children reach high school, something remarkable has happened. A survey of the children's parents and teachers found that those who as four year-olds had the fortitude to hold out for the second marshmallow generally grew up to be better adjusted, more popular, adventurous, confident and dependable teenagers. The children who gave in to temptation early on were more likely to be lonely, easily frustrated and stubborn. They buckled under stress and shied away from challenges.

Of course, the moral of the story is that developing the character necessary to delay gratification in small areas can translate into great success in other areas. But the four-year-olds in the study didn't know that. They didn't resist the marshmallow in hopes of getting better grades in high school. They overcame their urge to eat the marshmallow because they had faith--they could envision the moment when the nice man in the white coat would come back with two marshmallows. They persevered because they trusted.

This story really encourages me. Sometimes as I wait on God's timing for romance, I go through the same internal struggle those kids must have endured. Like a marshmallow beckoning the child to eat its sweet fluffiness, dating is calling my name. And let me tell you, it looks good.

Why don't I snatch it up? Why shouldn't you? Because God has promised something better. He provides something better

82 joshua harris now as we take advantage of the unique opportunities of singleness, and He'll provide something better later when we enter into marriage. But we must have faith to believe it. Like those little children, we're left alone with something that could possibly satisfy us immediately. And we can't see the reward of delaying our gratification.

It gets down to this question: Do you trust God? Don't just give a knee-jerk, Sunday school answer. Do you really trust Him? Do you live your life as if you trust Him? Do you believe that by

We were being asked to trust to leave the planning to God. God's ultimate plan was as far beyond our imaginings as the oak tree is from the acorn's imaginings. The acorn does what it was made to do, without pestering its Maker with questions about when and how and why. We who have been given an intelligence and a will and a whole range of wants that can be set against the divine Pattern for Good are asked to believe Him. We are given the chance to trust Him when He says to us, ...'If any man will let himself be lost for my sake, he will find his true self."

When mil we find it? we ask. The answer is, Trust Me. How will we find it? The answer again is, Trust Me. Why must I let myself be lost? we persist. The answer is, Look at the acorn and trust Me.

the right thing at the wrong time... 83 god knew best

Many people realize too late that we don't arrive at contentment as a destination as much as we develop contentment as a state of mind. Paul tells us in 1 Timothy 6:6 that "godliness with contentment is great gain." And in Philippians 4:11 he writes, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." What is Paul's secret?

Paul shares it with us: "I can do everything through him who gives me strength" (philippians 4:13). Paul trusted God to give him strength to endure any situation he faced. In the same way, we can gain contentment when we trust in God's strength and God's grace to sustain us through any circumstance. Whether you're single or married; whether you're liked, loved, or lonely; the key to contentment is trust. Believe it or not, if we are discontented with singleness, we'll more than likely face discontentment when we're married. When we define our happiness by some point in the future, it will never arrive. We'll keep waiting until tomorrow. If we allow impatience to govern us, we will miss the gift of the moment. We'll arrive at that point in time that we expected to provide fulfillment and find it lacking.

One lady wrote to me, frustrated that people often

Author John Fischer, speaking as a single, young adult said, "God has called me to live now, not four years from now. He wants me to realize my full potential as a man right now, to be thankful for that, and to enjoy it to the fullest. I have a feeling that a single person who is always wishing he were married will probably get married, discover all that is involved, and wish he were single again. He will ask himself, "Why didn't I use that time, when I didn't have so many other obligations, to serve the Lord? Why didn't I give myself totally to Him then?"'" Instead of rushing foolishly into a marriage because of impatience or one day reviewing our season of singleness with regret, let's commit to using our singleness to its fullest potential. Singleness is a gift. Let's rejoice in it and enjoy its opportunities today. Let's practice trusting God by pursuing His kingdom and His righteousness with all our hearts and by leaving the planning to Him.

In this life we will not understand all He does. But we know in the end, His perfect timing will be revealed. In a poem titled "Sometime," May Riley

Smith beautifully expresses the perspective of heaven we will one day possess:

Sometime, when all life's lessons have been learned,

And sun and stars forevermore have set,

The things which our weak judgments here have spumed,

The things o'er which we grieved with lashes wet, Will flash before us out of life's dark night,

As stars shine most in deeper tints of blue;

the right thing at the wrong time... 85 Then be content poor heart;

God's plans, like lilies pure and white, unfold;

we must not tear the close-shut leaves apart,-- Time will reveal the chalices of gold.

And if, through patient toil, we reach the land Where tired feet, with sandals loosed, may rest,

When we shall clearly see and understand, I think that we will say, "God knew the best!"

Do you believe that God knows best? Then place your life's calendar at His feet and allow Him to handle the scheduling of your relationships. Trust Him even if it means not dating when other people think you should. When God knows you're ready for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the right circumstances.

"For I know the plans I have for you," God says matter-offactly, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Qeremiah 29:11-13). Let's live our tds for His kingdom and entrust our tms to His providence. We couldn't lay our futures in better hands. All we have to do is trust.

chapter Six

How to get on the road to righteousness While in high school I attended a weekend church retreat in which we discussed the topic of sexual purity. During one session our pastor asked all of us students to anonymously fill out survey cards that would let him know "how far" kids in the group had gone physically. He provided a rough scale for us to use, assigning numbers to levels of physical intimacy based on their seriousness. The activities ranged from light kissing at number one to sexual intercourse at number ten. Our pastor asked us to write down the highest number we had reached.

After dropping my card into a basket, I filed out of the classroom with two friends. I'll never forget the ensuing conversation. One of my buddies looked over at the other and said with a wink, "So how high did you score, man?"

Laughing, my other friend said he had reached eight, almost nine. Then these two guys proceeded to name the particular girls in the youth group with whom they had reached certain numbers.

joshua harris flirting with darkness

My two friends exemplify how clouded our understanding of purity has become these days. We esteem purity too little and desire it too late. Even when we try to assert its importance, we render our words meaningless by our contradictory actions.

Do we desire purity in our relationships? We say we do. But do we live the kind of lives that foster this purity? Unfortunately, not often enough. "Make me chaste," prayed Augustine, "but not yet." Like him, we often have pricked consciences but unchanged lives. If we were honest with ourselves, many of us would admit that we're not really interested in purity at all. Instead, we feel satisfied by meeting the minimum requirements, content with spending our time in the "gray areas," flirting with darkness and never daring to step into the light of righteousness.

Like countless Christians, my two friends foolishly viewed purity and impurity as separated by a fixed point. As long as they didn't cross the line and go all the way, they believed they were still pure. True purity, however, is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise.

one little step at a time

If we truly seek to live pure lives, we can't allow ourselves to detour from the pursuit of righteousness for even a second. A story from the life of King David shows how dangerous such a detour can be. Few stories in the Bible fill me with as much dread as the story of David's fall into sin with Bathsheba. If a righteous man like David could fall into adultery and murder,

the direction of purity 89 who on earth can claim to be safe from temptation?

David walked in an intimacy of communion with God few have known. As a shepherd boy and as the king of Gods people, he wrote the psalms--praises and petitions that encourage and inspire Christians to this day. David reveled in his Creator, worshiped Him, trusted Him, and enjoyed Him. God Himself called David a "man after my own heart" (acts 13:22).

Davids plunge into sin didn't occur in a single leap. Like every journey into sin, David's journey into iniquity began with an almost imperceptible movement away from God.

When we first notice David's slide toward sin, we see him on the rooftop of his palace, but he had created the context for his misstep through an earlier decision. It was the spring of the new year, when kings led their armies to battle. But this year, David didn't go to the battlefield with his army. Instead, he stayed home. The choice may have been trivial, even justifiable, but the fact is that David was not where he was supposed to be-- he was not on the front lines fighting God's battles.

Was this sin? Not blatantly, but it was a small step away from God's plan.

You may have heard people say that idleness is the devil's workshop, and so it was for David. The energy he should have exerted on the battlefield needed an outlet. Restless, he paced the palace rooftop. From there he caught sight of a woman bathing. Instead of averting his gaze, he indulged his desires and looked.

Another step.

Why did he continue to watch? He had seen the female body before, having married many times. But he coveted. Sin

go johua harris came in the form of a thought--David desired that which did not belong to him. Instead of rejecting the vileness of this thought, have pounds entertained it, letting it linger in his mind.

If y'r like every other human being, you've faced such a moment a? this. Dwelling on the pros and cons of bowing to temptation, you have to make a choice. Will you or will you not stay within God's clear boundaries?

At this point in David's story, he could have stopped his journey toV^rd sin. Instead, his hesitating steps down the path quickened into a run. He allowed lust to take control. David acted on his wicked imaginings, sent for Bathsheba, and slept

with her.

The innocent shepherd was now an adulterer. Complications arose. Bathsheba sent a message that she was pregnant. l^That husband had been away