I Kissed Dating Goodbye (19 page)

Another important part of preparing for parenthood is observing good parents in action. You may or may not have a good dad or mom in your home. If you don't, find parents in your church to follow as examples. One friend told me he tries to observe and spend time with dads who he wants to be like. He asks himself these questions: "How do these godly dads handle discipline? How do they teach and instruct their kids?" Though he doesn't get any college credit for it, I have a feeling his

redeeming the time 175 study will pay off when he one day faces the biggest test of manhood: being a dad himself.

Practice practical life skills. What are practical life skills? Just ask your parents to let you take over the maintenance of your house--including shopping, planning menus, and cooking meals for a couple of months-- you'll soon find out.

While these sorts of skills aren't glamorous, they are an important part of managing a household. We have no excuse for not preparing ourselves in this area. And the best preparation is actually doing it. A few years ago, my mom had me start doing all the grocery shopping for the family. I also had to cook one dinner each week. At first, I didn't always cook the most appetizing meals for my family, but I got better!

Though I've improved my skills in the kitchen, I'm still woefully unprepared in the area of home maintenance. I'm sure you have your own weak spots too. Let's get to work strengthening them! If you don't know where to start, sit down with your folks or a godly man or woman in your church, and ask them to outline the skills they find necessary to run

Perhaps I've struck a chord with you. Maybe you can think of a few ways to redeem your time so that you can feel confident that you're using your singleness for God's glory. What might you put into practice even today?

We all can actively choose ways to prepare ourselves for

176 joshua harris marriage, if God wills it for our future. But let's remember the real reasons for our preparation. Preparing for marriage is a byproduct of growing in maturity and Christlikeness. But while marriage is optional, developing Christlike qualities is not. Each of us must develop love, humility, patience, forgiveness, and responsibility.

As singles, part of good stewardship involves gaining the skills we'll need in marriage. But marriage is not the finish line. Statistically speaking, most of us will eventually marry. But we need to make sure we "redeem the time" to glorify God, not to earn brownie points from Him so we can demand marriage. We prepare and develop our characters so we can become as flexible and useful for Him as possible, no matter what he plans for our future. Biological clocks can tick all they want; let's redeem today!

chapter thirteen

How to have a biblical and realistic vision of marriage

For a year in high school, I operated a small production company, Hizway Wedding Videography, that videotaped weddings. This job was, to say the least, an interesting way to make a living.

An engaged man and woman would contract with me to videotape their wedding so they could remember every last detail of their special day. When that day came, I would arrive at the church several hours early with my camera, lights, tripod, and sound-mixing gear in tow. I then spent the entire day recording, or you might say intruding on, every memorable moment. I captured on tape the ladies fussing over the bride's veil; through the lens I watched the nervous conversation between the groom and his best man. During the ceremony, I recorded the special music, the candle lighting, and the exchanging of vows. At just the right

178 joshua harris amid a shower of birdseed, the couple piled into a waiting car and sped away. (one couple even had me go to the airport to film them boarding a plane for Hawaii.. disshe was still wearing her wedding gown and he, his tuxedo!)

But my real work came after the wedding. While the lovebirds enjoyed their honeymoon, I spent my days staring at a monitor, editing many hours' worth of footage down to a seamless, slick, sixty-minute tape. I cut the bloopers and blunders so everything looked perfect.

If you watched one of those videos without knowing all the fast-forwarding and splicing 1 had done, you could mistakenly believe that the wedding had gone off without a hitch. You wouldn't know that the bride's mother and sister argued fiercely over where to pin the veil or that the tuxedos barely arrived in time or that a nephew stuck his hand in the punch bowl. In an edited video, everything flows naturally, the bride and groom look like stars in their own movie, and the soft background music gives it all the feel of a fairy tale.

It's beautiful and romantic, but it's not reality.

an edited vision of marriage Unfortunately, many young adults have a view of marriage as limited and unreal as the wedding videos I used to create. These people think of married life as one grand, thrilling moment after another, and the everyday, mundane parts of marriage are safely edited from the picture.

A friend once told me that the girls in her dormitory spent hours poring over bridal magazines. They'd choose their gowns and bridesmaid dresses. They'd endlessly compare engagement rings. My friend was exasperated that these girls devoted so much energy and attention to what is, in reality, a very small

ready for the sack but not for the sacrifice 179 part of marriage. "Marriage is much more than a wedding ceremony," write Gary and Betsy Ricucci in their book Love that Lasts. "A

How about you? Do you find yourself concentrating on one aspect of marriage to the exclusion of all others? Or can you maintain the big picture and prepare yourself for all that marriage will be?

duly considering

As singles, we face the important task of cultivating a balanced, biblical understanding of God's purpose and plan for marriage.

Marriage is not to be, in the words of an old wedding sermon, "enterprised lightly or wantonly to satisfy man's carnal lusts and appetites, but reverently, discreetly, advisedly, soberly and in the

180 joshua harris fear of God, duly considering the causes for which matrimony was ordained."

How should we view marriage? According to this sermon, reverently, discreetly, advisedly, and soberly. These words, rich in meaning, give us a vivid, vast picture of marriage. Reverence means "a profound respect mingled with awe." Discretion means "discernment or good judgment." To do something advisedly means "to carefully consider" it. And to approach something soberly means "to be well-balanced, unaffected by passion, excitement, or prejudice."

Do these qualities define our approach to marriage? All too often, the answer is "no." I've heard people validate the union of two people

God's purpose for marriage as well as our responsibility in marriage. Fortunately,

God's Word gives us both in clear terms. The Ricuccis write in Love that Lasts, "You don't have to read very far in the Bible to be astounded by God's perspective on this most sacred and significant relationship." Gary and Betsy go on to outline this perspective in their book. They've given me permission to excerpt (and slightly adapt for singles) the section in which they answer the question, "What is marriage?"

Marriage is the first institution (genesis 2:22-24). It was ordained before the family, before civil government-- even before the Church.

ready for the sack but not for the sacrifice 181 Marriage depicts the supernatural union between Jesus and the Church (ephesians 5:31-32). One of the most beautiful analogies God uses to define his relationship with us is that of a marriage. To grasp this is both inspirational and sobering. People should be able to look at our marriages and say, "So that's what the Church is like? That's what it means to have a relationship with Jesus?"

God intends to cultivate the same abundant, unconditional love between a husband and wife as he himself has for us. Marriage is a profound and marvelous mystery established by God for his glory

Marriage is the event God has selected to consummate all of time (revelation 19:7). God has had at least two thousand years to make preparations for honoring his Son at the end of the age. It's significant that God has not scheduled the coronation of the Lamb or the graduation of the Lamb. Instead he has ordained the marriage supper of the Lamb. Why marriage? Because it speaks of union and intimacy as nothing else does. The greatest thing God could plan for Jesus was to present him with his radiant Bride. No wonder we are so deeply moved when a bride walks down the aisle. Marriage is a holy and wonderful gift. And one

were

182 joshua harris

When I (gary) stop at the grocery store for milk and bread, I will often buy flowers for Betsy. On one particular trip, when I reached the cashier, he joked, "What's the matter--you in the doghouse?" It would have been easy to laugh along with him and join in the joke. But I wanted him to know my marriage was important to me. Here was a chance to challenge his misconception, to sow in his mind a seed of hope about the tremendous potential of marriage. So without getting self-righteous about it, 1 answered, "No--I just love my wife."

Your future spouse is created in the image of God. Your marriage will be a sacred relationship.

The Ricuccis also say that we should use "every opportunity to defend the sanctity of marriage." Even though the Ricuccis target married couples, I think singles can defend the sanctity of marriage as well.

How can we do this? Earlier, I told you about my friend whose dorm mates' view of marriage went little further than a discussion of engagement rings and wedding gowns. How could my friend have defended the sanctity of marriage in that setting? Without dampening the other girls' enthusiasm for their future weddings (they have every right to be excited about the big day), she could have helped them by gently reminding them of other important aspects of married life. She could have asked questions such as "How are you going to raise your kids? How are you going to keep the communication lines open with your husband?" These kinds of questions can encourage proper perspective and balance in our view of marriage.

In my case, the next time a group of my male friends begins to discuss marriage as merely the opportunity to have sex, I can, once I've adjusted my own attitude, challenge their limited

ready for the sack but not for the sacrifice 183 and immature view. Even though I'm single,

I can help myself and others to have a high view of marriage by rejecting attitudes and words that belittle