I Hate Summer (21 page)

“Sorry, come in; it’s open,” I called, still curious.

“Oh, hey, Ide.” My curiosity turned to surprise as Josh Jackson stuck his head around the edge of the door. “I wasn’t sure if you were back yet.”

“Huh, Josh?” Of all the people I’d expected to see, I could honestly say that Josh was the last person.

He being here made absolutely no sense. Because the only way he could get here would be via his brother—who
had
gone home this weekend. But it still made no sense, because hadn’t Trystan blown a fuse when I’d kissed the boy in Scotland? And now he was bringing Josh to my house and letting him come up here by himself?

I realized I was staring, and while I’d been silently trying to work out what was going on, Josh had crossed the room and stood opposite me. His knees were just apart from mine.

“How come yer in York? Trys know yer here?” I asked stupidly—it wasn’t like the guy could have hidden in his brother’s boot for the four-hour car ride.

Josh nodded, his brown eyes still fixed on mine. He looked nervous, terrified even, but there was a note of determination there too.

“He said I could come,” Josh said as he licked his lips, and his eyes flicked down to mine as his knee brushed against me. “I’m sixteen now,” he added quietly, and everything else that was different from the last time we’d seen each other was also written across his face.

“Josh, I don’t think—”

“You promised.” He leaned over me, and without giving me much more choice in the matter, he pressed his lips against mine.

The last person to kiss me had been James. And since then just the thought of kissing someone had been enough to make bile rise up my throat and sour my thoughts. But Josh’s kiss was okay. Maybe because he looked so scared. Maybe because as he leaned over me he kept his hands clasped to his side—like some kind of old-school toy soldier—or maybe it was because it was so sweet and tender.

His lips were ever so soft against mine. He mewed quietly in the back of his throat, and it was as if reality had twisted and it was me that was the unsure-of-himself kid and Josh was desperately trying not to scare me away. Maybe life
had
switched. I returned his kiss softly, parting my lips so he could let his curious tongue taste my mouth. I pushed one of my hands through his hair, rubbing my fingers softly against his scalp, as I let the other drift up to rest against his hip. I could feel him struggling to keep control of himself; it was in every hitch of his breath and almost nip of his teeth and increasingly eager questing of his tongue.

I let my hands leave gentle pressure where they rested against him, and I guided him forward so he wasn’t at such an awkward angle. He didn’t break the kiss as he straddled me. His hands sprang suddenly into action but I wasn’t worried. His touch was featherlight at first as he quested over my shoulders; when I didn’t flinch away he let them slide down my spine around my back, and when I continued to let him kiss me, he slipped those hands under the hem of my T-shirt and I felt his fingers clutch at my flesh. He moaned in the back of his throat as he straddled my lap and ground his hips forward into mine in time with his kisses.

And it was okay because I wasn’t feeling sick, and he was sixteen now. So it was fine.

But I felt nothing.

Not nothing exactly. I felt tenderness and affection as I held one hand against his hip and used my other to gently caress the back of his head. Josh’s lips against mine were soft and demanding and full of lust. But as I kissed him back, not a jot of desire stirred inside of me.

I heard the door handle twisting. I broke the kiss. Josh gave an impatient mew as he tried to find my lips again with his that were already flushed and damp. Mine must have looked the same as I ignored Josh and stared blankly over the boy’s shoulder.

Trystan was framed in the doorway to my room. His face was like thunder.

I stared into furious chocolate-colored eyes, and I realized the reason I felt nothing for Josh. It was the same reason I hadn’t called Dan or Echo or Ashlie, even before the incident with James. It was the same reason my gut was twisted right then, and the same reason that I had to stop myself from chucking Josh from my knee.

I laughed. Because my life was laughable.

I didn’t hate Trystan.

I was falling for him.

I wanted him to lock me in those brown eyes of his, teasing, joking, laughing, I didn’t care. I wanted to curl up next to him on a sofa. I wanted to kiss his lips and have him devour my body, and I wanted to sleep beside him and wake up with him snuggled next to me.

If the fury on his face was anything to go by, the feeling wasn’t mutual.

How the hell had I let this happen?

How had I let myself get attached to a straight guy?

And why, of all the men in the world, did it have to be Trystan?

“Josh.” Trystan was beyond furious, his voice so cold it should have been terrifying. “Get off him right this second.”

“No,” Josh said, his voice firm and slightly petulant.

Trystan stalked over and I thought for a second that he was going to haul his brother from my lap. Instead he bent down so that his face was right up in Josh’s. I retreated into the back of my chair, oddly terrified of having him so near.

“Ignoring the fact that this guy is a serious whore”—Trystan’s voice was deadly low as he glared at his brother—“he’s a fucking mess. Now get off him.”

“He was fine; he kissed me back,” Josh grumbled. He still had his hands up my T-shirt and my calm of a moment ago was beginning to wear off under the dark gaze of Trystan.

I reached round to extract Josh from my shirt.

“Actually, Josh, yer brother is right; ye need to let me go.” I clamped my hands on either side of his arms and gently forced him back away from me. I met the hurt in his eyes and guilt joined the churning disgust and apprehension in my stomach.

“Go downstairs,” Trystan snarled.

“Trys—” Josh tried, but his brother cut him off.

“No! You promised me. You
fucking
promised that you wouldn’t bother him, and he’s back for what? An hour? I’m putting you on a train home first thing in the morning, and don’t look at me like that, Josh; I
wanted
to help and you couldn’t fucking keep it in your pants, could you?”

Josh bristled. He shot me a last hopeful glance that crumpled into desolation as I just stared back. And then he stormed from my room. The sound of his feet clattering down the stairs filled the silence.

“Trys,” I exhaled, and wondered what the hell was wrong with me. “I’m sorry, I just….” I dropped my head into my hands. He’d backed away, but I couldn’t look at him anymore.

What kind of masochistic idiot was I?

“I wasn’t going to do anything, but he kissed me and….”

“Just shut up, Ide. You’re such a fucking whore; I thought you’d be bothered by what James did, but I guess that’s probably just a bit of fun for you, eh?”

I hissed a breath between my lips.

“Ah….” The chuckle that rattled my chest hurt. “Yeah, I guess so.”

I lifted my head and stared beyond Trystan, to the door Josh had left through. I took a deep breath and tried to remember how I’d been feeling when I got back from home. A small slither of calm returned and I forced my voice not to crack. “Ye brought him here ’cause of the gay thing, right? So don’t send him home, I’ll take him out, find a nice guy for him and….”

“Oh my fucking God, Ide!” Trystan exclaimed. He looked angry and exasperated as he stood in the middle of my room. “He doesn’t want a
nice guy
. Nobody does: everyone fucking wants
you
! How’re you the only one who doesn’t see that?”

I dropped my head to one side, still staring slightly beyond Trystan. A bitter smile quirked the edge of my lips.

“Ye think I don’t know? Ye think I
like
it? Ye think that shit wi’ James was the first time something like that has happened?” I spoke softly and I discovered that the slither of calm I’d found allowed me to meet Trystan’s gaze with my own. He flinched slightly. “Well, it wasn’t. And the first time there was no one to stop him. So shut the fuck up, Trystan.”

“Oh shit, Ide.” He stepped toward me and I snatched myself away.

“No! I don’t want yer pity; yer as bad as all of them.”

I dropped my head back into my hands because the problem was that Trystan wasn’t like them. I wanted him to want me, and he didn’t. He hugged me in his sleep because that’s what he did, and he had looked after me with that shit with James because he was a nice guy, and he flirted with me because it was a game, and my head had converted that into something it would never be.

“I
DE
,
THIS
is stupid,” whined Josh against my neck. I nuzzled him playfully as he sat between my legs.

“No, it’s not. Tell me who takes yer fancy, I’ll tell ye if it’s a good idea.”

“Meh, Ide, I want
you
.”

“Well, ye can’t have me; so pick someone,” I replied, not unkindly. Because when I’d convinced his elder brother to let him stay, I’d also explained to Josh that under no circumstances was I going to sleep with him.

“No one’s going to think I’m free if I’m on your knee anyway,” Josh moaned, but he didn’t seem particularly inclined to leave my lap.

By my side Dan chuckled. “Don’t worry about that; being with Ide probably makes you more desirable.”

“See,” I chided. “Now sit still and point.”

“Him,” Josh pouted.

I rolled my eyes as I saw the thirty-year-old businessman that Josh had pointed out.

“The idea is t’ find someone closer to yer own age, idiot.”

“You’re close enough.” Josh sulked.

“Ye want me to take ye back to Trys?” I whispered in Josh’s ear and the boy shuddered, which could have been in a good way in response to my hushed words in his ear or in a bad way at the thought of his brother.

Trystan had reluctantly agreed to let Josh stay. He had even more reluctantly agreed to let him come out with me this evening. But he had been in a filthy mood since he’d found Josh in my room on Sunday—it was now Friday. I didn’t particularly care. I just needed to get over this stupid infatuation, and I needed to do it as fast as possible. Trystan walking around with a face like thunder was as good a reason as any to ignore him when we crossed paths in the kitchen, and in the five days since I’d convinced him to let Josh stay, I hadn’t said more than a handful of words to the guy.

I already felt like I was making progress.

“Fine,” Josh huffed, and for the first time he actually took a serious look around the bar that was quiet so early on a Friday evening. I watched as a blush rose up over his cheeks and he dropped his head, hiding his face in his hands. “Oh my God, this is so embarrassing: everyone is staring.”

“They’re staring ’cause they think we’re cute,” I said softly into his ear. “Because they see ma face and assume I’m a catcher, and it turns them on imagining us together—like straight guys thinking about lesbians. They’re staring at Dan and wishing they were him, so they could do ye.”

“You’re
not
helping, Idrys,” Josh grumbled. His face was so red it was beginning to spread down his neck.

Dan chuckled and caught my eye when I went to take some more of my beer.

“Speaking of which, when
can
I do you again?” Dan reached to press a kiss against my lips. I think the whisper of lust that went round the bar was a physical thing as everyone’s heads went into overdrive—and I knew Dan had done it on purpose.

“I told ye; I’m not in the mood at the moment,” I replied as I broke away. Once such a display would have had me riddled with excitement and desire. Now I just smiled warmly and pressed a chaste kiss on his lips. I found I could cope with Dan’s kisses, but just like Josh’s, I found that they did very little for me.

“You know I don’t mind switching.” He smiled back and I rolled my eyes and looked pointedly at the guy in my lap.

“If I was in the mood for
that
we wouldn’t be sitting here, would we?”

Dan gave a weary sigh and a shrug. “Guess so.” His eyes narrowed and I knew he was going to try and ask me what had happened, but I didn’t want to talk about it—even with Dan. I pressed my lips back over his.

“Leave it, Dan.” I turned back to Josh. “So?”

“Thanks to that display you two just put on, I think
actually
everyone is now staring.”

“Meh, narrow-minded, the lot of them. Hmm.” My attention was caught by a guy at the other end of the bar who wasn’t watching. He seemed cute and tallish, although it was hard to tell exactly because he was sitting down. There was a drink in front of him, but it looked like juice. I checked out his face; he was young—about nineteen if I had to guess—and his mousy blond hair fell over his face as he messed around on his phone.

“What about him?” I whispered to Josh.

“Oh….” Josh clammed up, but he didn’t dismiss the guy completely. I pressed a kiss against his cheek and stood up from behind him.

“Cool, I’ll go vet.” I crossed the bar before Josh could say anything to stop me.

I tried to pull my most charming—and least attractive—smile onto my face as I pulled up a stool next to him. It took him a few seconds to look up from his phone, in which time I had noticed that his drink was indeed juice and didn’t look like it was diluted with anything alcoholic. As he finally looked up and saw me next to him, his eyes widened in genuine shock then slight panic as they darted over my shoulder to the corner where I’d been sitting. I followed his gaze in time to see Dan give him a friendly wave. Josh had twisted around so his back was to us and had his forehead pressed against the table.

“Ah…,” the guy garbled as he looked back at me. It was a fair enough reaction; Dan was a big guy and my height more than made up for my lack of breadth. Plus, it wasn’t like I never came here, and although I’d never noticed this guy before, I knew that me and the group I usually hung out with weren’t exactly easy to forget—Ashlie: tiny, gorgeous, and exceptionally camp; Echo: the seemingly emotionless giant, his voice as low and loud as thunder and with skin as close to obsidian as mine was to white; Dan: boisterous and beautiful and prone to getting into fights over me. So unless he’d never been here before—unlikely given how comfortable he’d been sitting at the bar—he probably had some idea of what I was like. Which was a fact I often used to my advantage, but this time was probably working against me.