I Got This (5 page)

Early on, I remember one of the musical directors from
American Idol
telling me that everything about me was too big. She said my voice was too big, my size was too big, and my personality was too big.

“Isn’t that what being a star is?” I asked. “Stars are larger than life!”

I didn’t understand her motivation in telling me that. Perhaps she was trying to break me down. Who knows? Clearly, she wasn’t a fan. And clearly, this was not another talent show. This was reality.

Once you make the final twelve, the show provides you with a stylist and makeup artist who are there to help you create your signature look. Before that, however, you are completely on your
own. Needless to say, some of my choices got some attention. In those early rounds I wore some outfits that probably put the focus on everything but my voice. I was still thinking that my talent should be the thing people concentrated on, but I was now learning that part of “making it” was cultivating a whole package. Obviously my look didn’t fit into the right package at this point.

I’ll never forget Simon telling me that my conservative white skirt suit reminded him of a “leather nurse look.” When I chose to wear a metallic silver jumpsuit, he said I reminded him of “something a Thanksgiving turkey should be wrapped in.” I took it in stride, though. I told him not to knock it until he checked it out and then proceeded to model it for him like I was working the runway in a Paris fashion show. Simon also said that I looked “hideous” in my custom-made pink taffeta dress. This was a dress that I had designed myself, and had made for me by a friend. I liked it. But even my sister called to say I looked like I should be on an Easter egg hunt. So, maybe that outfit wasn’t my best, but at least the judges said they liked my song that night, and to me, that was the reason I was there.

Look, I’d been through years of cheeky comments about my fashion choices. I endured them from my siblings; I heard them during the Final Notice days. That said, I did sometimes wonder if I would have heard these sorts of things if I was rail thin. I didn’t always have the best things to choose from when it came to my outfits—the options weren’t there in the way they were for the
ladies who wore “normal” sizes. Everyone told me to hide my curves, the very things I loved about my body. Once I had a stylist, it was all about suit jackets and things that covered me up. I found it all so confusing.

Luckily, there was a fan base building for me out there. Their support helped me keep my confidence high. There wasn’t much of anything the judges could say that would have made me fold and give up my dream. Believe me; I’d heard much worse than what those judges were dishing out.

When it comes time to pick our songs, each contestant has a certain amount of leeway. We received our category for the week on the Sunday before the show. “This week is country week” or “This week is Motown week.” The producers then give you a catalog of music and let you pick your song from that particular selection. Sometimes the producers would direct you toward a specific song, but
mostly
they let you decide on whatever you want to sing.

We’d go into the studio and record our song on Monday so the band could hear the arrangements, which were often different than the original recording, and then they would break it down to fit the allotted time for our performance on the broadcast. A typical
American Idol
performance comes in a little under the four-minute mark. Once the timing has been worked out, we were given until 5
P.M.
the next day, Tuesday, to nail it down. The show aired live Tuesday night. All in all, we really only got two days to learn and perfect our selections before going in front of the
cameras and singing for the judges. In that time we also had to pick our “look” for the show and work on our stage presence.

My first night of performing, I sang John Lennon’s “Imagine.” The world was finally getting to hear me sing. That night was an unbelievable blessing for me because it meant that I had reached that goal. I was overjoyed and overcome with so much emotion that I got very teary standing with Ryan Seacrest afterward. I was living my dream.

Season three was the first season
American Idol
brought in celebrity guest judges to coach us for particular episodes. I had the honor and privilege to work with some of the greatest talents in the music business, such as Sir Elton John, and from the film world, Quentin Tarantino. Elton John was a guest judge during week four. I absolutely loved working with him—we connected from the very start. From the moment we met, he became my mentor, and as it would turn out, after my time on the show he was my biggest advocate.

When Elton came to rehearsals that week, he said he thought I was destined to become the next
American Idol
. He loved my voice and supported me in a kind and loving way. Of course, I chose “The Circle of Life” as my song that week. I’d sung it many times before while working on the Disney cruise ship, but I had never sung it like I did that week—and that was all due to the guidance I received from its composer, Sir Elton John.

Quentin Tarantino was the celebrity guest judge during week
five on the show producers called “Movie Night.” He was apparently a big fan of the show. To be totally honest, I didn’t really know who Quentin Tarantino was at that point. I had never seen any of his movies before the producers of
American Idol
said we’d be attending a screening of his latest film,
Kill Bill: Vol. 2
. Believe it or not, I actually fell asleep at the screening. Now, for those of you who have seen
Kill Bill: Vol. 2
, you know it is hardly a movie to put you to sleep. But I was so tired from our nonstop schedule and being on the go, go, go that a dark movie theater became the perfect nap spot.

After the screening, all of the contestants and crew had a reception for Quentin. I still hadn’t met him, so I didn’t realize that the guy who had asked me what I thought of the movie was actually the director.

“I fell asleep!” I said, completely oblivious to whom I was speaking. Thank goodness Quentin has a great sense of humor because his reaction was simply to laugh. I am hoping he thought I was kidding. Later, when I realized who he was, I figured I blew any chance I had of ever being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. Funny enough, at his request, I auditioned for him several years later. I was told to show up at his house wearing cutoff blue jean shorts and flip-flops. I didn’t get the part, but I hope I’ll get another chance to work with him one day!

In the end, Quentin loved my performance on the show that week, for which I sang Whitney Houston’s “I Have Nothing,” later
commenting, “Hudson takes on Houston and wins!” That was the highest compliment I could ever imagine because I
love
Whitney Houston. She is one of my greatest musical inspirations and has been for as long as I have been singing. Thanks, Quentin, but Ms. Houston will always be the gold standard. I am just flattered to be compared to her.

My last week on the show, none other than Barry Manilow was the special guest. I was wondering if Barry would remember me. It would be the first time I saw him since my audition to become his backup singer. The audition that I thought I had nailed, only to be disappointed.

Sure enough, when we met again, Barry said, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?” When I reminded him, he remembered me and my audition right away, which was really flattering. He said he was glad to finally be working together. That acknowledgment made me better. The fact that he remembered me meant so much. It’s experiences like that that keep me from dwelling on the jobs I didn’t get or what didn’t work out as planned, because I am a true believer that what is supposed to happen will.

My original song choice that week was “All the Time,” a song Barry Manilow wrote for Dionne Warwick. I had already made up my mind about my song choice when someone told me that La Toya had decided to do that song, too. So in the end, I ended up singing Barry’s “Weekend in New England.” We worked hard to create a performance that would wow America and the judges.
Barry wanted to structure the arrangement of the song in the same way he had done for Jennifer Holliday, a singer he said I reminded him of. It was an ironic comparison, given what would happen next, but I had no idea how connected I was to her at that moment. Barry knew that the arrangement he had done for her on this song would work for me, and it was a truly brilliant arrangement. In the end, it was perfect. I sang my heart out; I thought I brought the house down. It turned out that America didn’t agree.

On elimination night, as usual, the safe contestants were separated from the bottom three. George Huff was the odd man standing, awaiting his group assignment. Ryan told him to “join the top group” because he was, in fact, also safe. He hesitated as he slowly made his way toward Fantasia, La Toya, and me.

“George, I said step into the
top
group,” Ryan said. “You’re in the wrong group because tonight, this is our bottom three—Fantasia, Jennifer Hudson, and La Toya London, America!”

The look of total shock came over everyone’s faces, including my own, as the crowd booed and screamed in total disapproval. George, obviously confused, slowly walked toward the other group, which was made up of John Stevens, Diana DeGarmo, and Jasmine Trias, leaving us on our own.

Ryan asked each of the judges what they thought had happened.

When it came time for Simon’s comments, he started off by saying, “Tongue…floor.” I knew what he was feeling. But then
he pointed out that the others who were safe had earned it. And again, he was right.

In a rare effort not to draw out the final results, Ryan quickly sent La Toya to the couch, where she was safe and would be back to fight for the title the following week, leaving Fantasia and me on the stage anxiously awaiting our fate. We stood there together, holding hands, like we were lifelong best friends. The whole moment was surreal. One of us was definitely going home. We were told that it was the smallest margin ever that separated two contestants in the bottom two, yet enough of a distance to end the journey for one of us, too.

Secretly, I was praying to God, “Let it be me.” I was ready. I knew that
American Idol
was a fantastic launching pad. I didn’t care if I won or not. As far as I was concerned, my dream had already come true when I was allowed to sing for millions of Americans for those six incredible weeks.

And then it was time for the moment of truth.

Ryan walked over with the results in his hand and said, “The person going home tonight, in a previous show had the highest number of votes but tonight has the lowest. And that person is…Jennifer Hudson.”

On April 21, 2004, I was the sixth contestant voted off of
American Idol
season three. I wasn’t upset. I wasn’t disappointed. To be totally honest, I was relieved. I endured so much to be on that show. I was proud of the struggles I went through because I was,
and continue to be, a survivor. But it was time for me to take another step.

As I stood watching my farewell video, I realized that there was so much to be grateful for, too. Going in to
American Idol
, your mind is blown, thinking that you are going to be part of this massive television show. But once you are on the inside, you see it is something so much more than just a show. It is like a boot camp for the music business. It gives you tough skin and a realistic opportunity to see what it is like to live that way. It is an amazing chance to live the life of a famous musician, at least for a little while. To the average person on the street, you’re a celebrity, because they see you on TV every week. But to the music executives and Hollywood, you are on the bottom, with a lot of work to do to keep rising to the top. I can’t imagine being in a place that could have prepared me any better for my career than
American Idol
. I got to meet people like Elton John and I reconnected with Barry Manilow, both of whom became big fans of mine because of the show. And even Simon Cowell inspired me to follow my dreams, despite the fact that he was a pretty tough critic at times.

I knew in my gut that winning
American Idol
wasn’t what God had planned for me. I knew I was going to get to sing again, and that I just had to wait for the right opportunity.

When all was said and done, I wasn’t expecting to feel so emotional after leaving the studio that night. I actually cried for a few
minutes in the limousine on the way back to the
Idol
house after the show, and again the day after my elimination. I wasn’t sad to be leaving the show so much as I was disappointed, and more so, I felt like I was disappointing others, like Walter and my family. Plus, there were so many fans who wanted to see me get to the finals. And for their love and support, I will always be eternally grateful because I know in the deepest part of my heart and soul, those fans are the reason I was able to take my leap off the
Idol
stage.

I wiped away those final tears as the limousine swept me off to the airport so I could fly to New York City and do a myriad of press. Since my elimination had caused such an uproar, there were several extra interviews added to my already full schedule. I stayed in New York for about a week answering as many questions as I could about what I thought went wrong. But inside, I was okay with what had happened. It was hard for a lot of people to understand that sentiment, but I was just at peace with it. And when the storm finally died down, I flew back to Chicago and my family.

We started rehearsals for the
American Idol
Tour a couple of days after Fantasia was named the new American Idol. I was really excited to be a part of that experience because I had never even been to a concert and now, here I was—part of one! I had always vowed that the first concert I wanted to go to would be my own. I felt so lucky.

The tour was a real treat. I loved being onstage, singing and giving everything I had to the audiences each night—especially with so many other talented people. Being on that tour was like a dream come true because we could finally be successful,
together
. Listening to George Huff sing gospel, and warmly embracing music with Fantasia and La Toya was something I will never forget. If I could bring them all back together, I would. Once the tension of the competition had gone away, it was just pure fun.