I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (20 page)

My heart dropped.

Fuck.

I slammed the laptop shut, I didn’t want to see anymore. Joel was already making himself very welcome with the ladies, probably becoming the main attraction. He’d only been gone a day and we were drifting apart, in a few weeks we’d be dead. With no doubt Cindy more than eager to take my place. She looked like the type of girl that got the guy, where I was the kind just too insecure to fight. First Lauren and now Cindy. I didn’t think I had the strength to cling on to Joel, sometimes you just had to accept the inevitable. I was probably just a phase, a different type of girl. In then end he’d always go back to what was familiar and I’d be left shattered, nursing a broken heart.

* * *

The next few days passed by in a blur. I’d officially turned into a human robot, nodding and fake smiling my way through the day. I ate though it was merely to keep my body functioning. I was barely sleeping. Just about barely breathing.

Joel hadn’t called and I had finally given up the ghost and rang him, but it had eventually gone to voicemail. That was two days ago and I was now beginning to go crazy. So when his name eventually flashed up on my phone, I was less than happy to speak with him.

“Hello,” I answered in a curt brisk manner, already on the defence.

“Hey Iz,” he said brightly. “I finally get to talk to you, I have left messages but just been so busy you know.” I heard the chatter and music of the pub in the background begin to fade, as he made his way somewhere quieter.

“Yeah I know, I got your message, thanks for that, you know how to make a girl feel really special,” I huffed, the conversation now replaying again in my head.

“What do you mean?” he asked with a touch of annoyance to his voice.

Hang on he was now annoyed at me?

“What did you say, my call wasn’t important?” I heard the blood pumping in my ears, waiting for his reply.

He let out a long sigh of frustration. “I didn’t mean it like that Iz, I meant it wasn’t a business call, you know you’re important to me.”

“Hmm looks like it, you barely call me then tell me I’m not important on the message you leave. I ring you and you didn’t bother to ring back.”

“Izzy, I’m sorry but it’s been manic here, I’ve barely had time to think.”

Yeah whatever.

“You’ve made time to get yourself acquainted with all the girls in the bar though, I bet Cindy is helping you to settle in.” I waited with baited breath to hear any sign of change in his voice.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” His voice immediately sounded defensive, like he had something to hide.

“I saw the picture Joel, she was cosied up nice and tight beside you. I guess it’s inevitable she’ll be my replacement no doubt.” My eyes filled with tears at the very thought.

“Iz, have you gone totally crazy, you’re getting all this from a photo?” he snapped.

My body flinched at his tone. “She’s your usual type Joel, she’ll be in your bed before the week is out. I’ll make it easy for you shall I? The break we’re having at the moment, let’s make it a permanent one.”

He openly gasped, before the line fell silent. My heart beat at twice its rate, waiting for a reply. The eerie silence stretched out between us, as the tears began to fall.

I swallowed slowly waiting for my voice to correct itself, trying to sound less croaky. “I deserve better than this Joel, I can’t live feeling worried sick about whatever skank you’re going to hook up with behind my back. So you enjoy yourself in Manchester, cause I need to move on with my life, one that no longer involves you.” My voice broke at the last part, barely able to speak the words I knew would change things forever.

“You’re right,” he whispered and my heart plummeted. “I never deserved you and I was a fool to believe what we had could work. I’m sorry if I hurt you Iz, it’s probably for the best – I have to go, bye.” He hung up and my heart immediately shattered.

He didn’t even fight for me, just instantly surrendered.

We were over. Finished. Done.

I felt the bile rise, as the reality of the situation hit me and ran full pelt to the bathroom. The tears flowed as I gripped the porcelain tight. After finishing I slid down the wall to sit on the cool tiled floor. I was sinking into a black hole of grief, one I doubt I’d ever have the strength to climb out.

* * *

It was a cold, grey, drizzly day in Manchester, as I stood staring over at Joel’s pub. After a week of no sleep, no appetite and constant Facebook twenty four seven, I decided I needed to try and resolve this face to face with Joel.

The sight of the pub alone was enough to make me smile. Just knowing I was within reach of Joel, sparked a renewed hope inside.

I drew my jacket tighter around me, stepping into the doorway of the shop opposite. I pulled out a mirror and grimaced at the reflection staring back. I’d put on some makeup to try and hide the prominent dark circles but they weren’t so easily disguised. I smoothed my wind swept hair down, trying to steady my erratic breaths.

It was time to face the music.

Stepping away from the doorway, my eyes instantly widened in surprise and my breath caught in my throat. Joel was standing barely metres away. He had his back to me but I would recognise him anywhere. My body instantly reacted to him, I felt my heart slam against my chest. All the air rushed out of my lungs, I was fighting just to breathe. I studied him for several seconds, biting my lip anxiously, to compose myself, before walking over.

I motioned to walk forward on the verge of shouting his name, but suddenly my feet were frozen to the spot. Cindy was heading towards him smiling. I had seen enough of her photos during my many stalker sessions, to know it was definitely her.

When she reached him she laughed and wrapped her arms around him, pulling him in close for a kiss. Tears instantly pricked my eyes. In my dark moments I had imagined this scenario, but seeing it in front of me, was like a knife twisting in my heart. I jumped back into the doorway, continuing to watch. She reached down and grabbed his bum, pinching it as he chuckled.

Fuck.

I wanted to fucking kill him!

I wanted to tear him limb from limb and stamp on his lying cheating heart. It had taken him less than a sneeze to get over me, before Cindy was in his bed. I despised him with every fibre in my body, with every single last breath. His laughter crushed the last fragment of my heart, watching my worst fear being brought to life. But deep down I knew this was my own doing, I had let this happen. I was the maker of all of this and had broken us up, so now he was technically a free man.

Why was I so foolish to think he wouldn’t have moved on so fast? That he needed time. That for once I had meant something to him.

Obviously not.

I was less then nothing.

I was forgettable. And from what I saw in front of my own eyes.

Replaceable.

I pressed my face up against the cold, hard glass, as the tears began to fall. The expectation of what could have happened was dead and buried. No happy reunion, or being swept away in his arms. No declarations of how much he loved and missed me. It was just me huddled in an empty doorway, crying over a guy who had completely crushed my heart.

When I looked out again they’d gone, the droplets of rain mingled with my own tears as I headed back to the station. I didn’t want to be in Manchester a moment longer.

I hated Manchester.

I hated Joel.

* * *

“Iz, dinner is ready.” Mikes shook me awake as he switched on the lamp. His face soon dropped taking in my red swollen, puffy eyes. “What’s happened?” His concerned look brought on more tears.

God at this rate I was certain dehydration would end up being the cause on my death certificate.

I poured out everything to him, the phone calls, the women, going to Manchester and seeing him with Cindy. He cradled me in his arms and I sobbed into his chest.

“I’m sorry Iz, but this is who Joel is, that’s why I freaked out when you started seeing him, he is a player and always will be, you deserve better.” I clung to Mike, crying for several more minutes, as he continually rubbed my back, trying to soothe me.

“Should I tell Mum you’ve got a migraine, and then she won’t bother you?”

“Please…Mike, thank you.”

“Izzy, I’m you’re Brother. I’m always going to look out for my little Sis, you get some sleep, things will be better in the morning.” He pressed his lips against my hair, before I watched him disappear out of the room.

I switched off the light, welcoming the darkness.

I was officially in hell.

“Right that’s it!” Elijah snapped. “You’ve been moping around for a month now since Manchester and I cant take anymore!” He slammed his hand so fiercely against my desk I jumped in shock, as the wood reverberated beneath his fingers.

He was right of course.

I hadn’t been brilliant company. I just hoped I’d done a good job in hiding it well.

Obviously not.

The fake smiles and laughter I’d used as a mask, hadn’t been as foolproof as I thought. But now I realised it wasn’t just affecting me. I was dragging others under with me and I knew that wasn’t fair.

I stood up to talk, to try and apologise but my throat started to close. The month that passed had been long and dark. Every single second had been pure torture. I’d barely existed and that was no life at all, but it was hard to move on, to forget him, to actually begin to live again.

“I know a way to snap you out of it, there’s a party tonight at Roxanne’s house and we are going.” He glared when I opened my mouth to protest, with a string of possible excuses.

His look shot me down. “Don’t even think about coming up with an excuse you are going, you need to dress up and drink, help forget about your broken heart for at least one night.”

I groaned knowing it was futile to even disagree. “Okay I’m in,” I said with a sigh, there was no point protesting, he’d just make me go anyway.

He smiled with delight. “Wow, I thought that was going to be harder, trying to drag you along. I’ll be round at six to check your outfit, we are going all out, I want you in a dress, no jeans.”

I frowned, I didn’t want to wear a dress and I was definitely not in the mood to flirt with anyone. I wanted to remain anonymous sipping on a drink, blending into the background. But I knew I owed Elijah this, he needed a night of fun after supporting me throughout the whole grief process. I had to be selfless and put his needs first, my own misery would take a back seat, if only for the night.

* * *

Elijah rang the bell at six sharp, I guess he really did mean business. I tottered almost comically down the stairs, going as fast as my heels would carry me. I decided it wasn’t worth the berating I would receive if I’d gone ahead and worn my jeans. I chose a simple floral summer dress I had bought weeks earlier. The weather was beginning to grow steadily warmer, so it was the perfect excuse to give it its first airing. It was another one of Elijah’s finds. I’d grown accustomed to receiving random snapshots of items of clothes on my phone, seeking my approval before buying.

He looked me up and down with a smile and whistled his approval as his eyes lit up. “Damn girl you scrub up well,” he remarked, licking his lips, as he shot me a wink.

“I’ll take that as a compliment shall I?” I playfully slapped his chest chuckling. He always knew how to make me smile.

I’d already applied my makeup, disguising my death like pallor into something almost human. Even managing to disguise the dark circles, which had become a permanent fixture of late. For a short amount of time tonight, I’d forget my own heartbreak and enjoy reacquainting myself with my good friends Vodka and Tequila.

As I was half way through curling my hair when the doorbell rang, I dragged Elijah back upstairs, to let him finish off my hair. He got more enjoyment from the actual process of getting ready, rather than the actual party.

When my hair was curled and fixed with spray, I scrutinised it in the mirror. For the last month it had spent the majority of the time tied up in a tatty bun. It was hard to believe the silky, wavy locks, was the same hair. It deserved an outing to be treated better. I made an agreement in my head, to take better care of it in the future. I already knew it would be back in the bun within twenty-four hours.

Elijah finished off applying my eyelashes. I fluttered them in the mirror, feeling mesmerised. They added just the right amount of oomph to my eyes.

“Do you think I could get away with wearing some? As I really think they would open up my eyes.” Elijah asked, holding some up against his lashes.

I stared at him in surprise.

Was he being serious?

“Please tell me you’re joking?”

“What? You girls get to have all the fun, I think I would totally rock some amazing lashes.” He grinned and batted his own. He really was too cute and adorable but could he rock some eyelashes?

No. Just no.

I looked at him, trying to be diplomatic with my answer. I didn’t want to hurt his feelings. “I don’t think they’ll go down well at the party. You don’t want to lose your manly card sporting a pair of those.”

An adorable smile swept over his face. “Sweetie, I think I traded that in a long time ago,” he replied, giving me a cheeky wink. “Now first we need to gloss and spritz and then we’re on our way.”

I chuckled as he glided the wand over my lips, to make them extra glossy, before spritzing me within an inch of my life.

“Perfect.” He beamed with delight. “I got my Izzy back.”

I watched the tears fill his eyes, as we both faced the mirror. I turned around to face him, stroking his cheek. “Elijah – don’t cry cause then I’ll cry…” I laughed at the look of horror on his face, when my own eyes began to fill up.

“Sweetie, you’d better not ruin that eye makeup.” His hand cupped my face, quickly swiping away the stray tear.

I grabbed his hand, holding it in mine. “I just want to thank you…for you know.” I couldn’t continue, the words were stuck in my throat, but I needed for him to know. I couldn’t have got through it all without him.

He pulled me close. “Shhh…I don’t need thanks. I know it still hurts like hell, but you’ve got to come out of the darkness and start to live again.” He pressed his lips against my forehead and when he drew back, I saw the sad look of concern in his eyes. I had been too wrapped up in my own selfish misery, to realise how much it affected him.

“Thank you for not giving up on me.” I truly meant it. He had been my one source of light throughout, without him I would have permanently been dragged under.

“Hey, best friends don’t give up on each other. Now come on, if we don’t leave this party drunk with sore feet, then we haven’t had as good a time as I’m planning.”

“Well then you may have to carry me home.” I grabbed my clutch, slipping my arm through his.

“Sweetie, I’m planning on it.”

* * *

Roxanne’s house was a ten-minute walk away, she was one of the sweetest girls in college, we both adored. Elijah looked hot as usual, his statement quiff styled to perfection, as we chatted walking arm in arm. It was only as my arm grazed against his, I noticed the impressive pair of guns he was now sporting.

I squeezed his bicep lightly. “Hey, someone’s been working out?” I remarked, stopping to admire him. The short-sleeved black and white checked shirt he was wearing, only seemed to accentuate his arms further.

He grinned with obvious delight. “Well I got to stay in good shape, to keep my man happy.”

“I bet he’s more than pleased, looks like you’ve been hitting the gym hard.” My eyes roamed over his body, he had certainly buffed up over the last month. I guess I’d been too blind to notice the change.

“Well I stepped up my routine, you know when you’re dating a hottie you can’t let things slide.” His hands glided down his tight abs, and rested on his hips as he pouted, pulling his best modelling stance.

I rolled my eyes at his response, he was never less than perfect on any given day. “Elijah, you’ve always been in great shape. I thought you were hot the moment I saw you, and it doesn’t help you have the sexiest bum.”

He chuckled with amusement. “Really? So you check out my bum a lot?”

I blushed at his question.

Why the hell would I admit to something like that?

“Well it’s pretty hard not to when you’re forever in skinny jeans.” I smiled when he turned around, so I could have a sneaky peak, in the tight black jeans he was wearing.

Seriously, it was like a peach.

“You know Iz, you look smoking tonight. If I weren’t batting for team Ryan, I would definitely fall for a girl like you.”

I blushed at his words. “Thanks I guess.” I frowned, already hating the look of pity he was now shooting me.

His face dropped at my response. “Hey, I would in a heartbeat. Joel was stupid to ever throw you away. We are going to find you your prince and you never know, he may just even be at this party.”

My eyes widened in horror at his words. “It’s too soon – I can’t,” I stammered. I felt a rush of panic even contemplating being around another guy, as I stepped back from him.

His arms reached out and grabbed me, drawing me back in. “Calm down, I’m just saying you never know what could happen, but I hope you at least have a cheeky flirt, come on say you’ll do it for me.” He pulled the puppy dog look and I rolled my eyes, hating when he played that card.

“Fine,” I snapped, not feeling at all happy. I would bite my tongue for the moment and let him believe that.

He turned me back around and wrapped his arm around my shoulder, as we continued our short journey. As a means of distraction Elijah filled me in on the latest gossip at college, which was all complete lies. The stories were beyond ridiculous but the mixture of exhilaration and pleasure, watching as his eyes dance with excitement throughout, stopped me from questioning anything. I just nodded and smiled, inwardly doing yet another eye roll, letting him have his moment.

The house was practically full to the rafters when we arrived. I was pretty sure we’d barely squeeze through the door, but Elijah would certainly attempt to drag me through anyway.

We passed by the hoards of hot sweaty bodies, as the music reverberated off the walls. A group of girls caught my attention passing through. I shook my head in amusement, watching them grind hard against each other. Vying for the attention of several pairs of eyes, locked on them from across the room.

Elijah dragged me through the crowd and grabbed us two beers. We headed out into the garden, to make our way over to the familiar group of people from college.

I conceded it actually felt good to be out, away from the stifling confines of my room. It was like leaving my own imprisonment, well at least for a short while. Maybe tonight wouldn’t be so bad after all?

I sipped slowly on my beer, watching Elijah talk fashion with some of the girls in our group. The pretty diamond like fairy lights caught my eyes twinkling in the distance. For a second I was transported back to that fateful night together.

I wondered if I’d never pursued it, if I had recognised and accepted Joel for being the player he was, then I wouldn’t have to deal with the cruel aftermath. Though the sad fact was I had always been in love with Joel. I would have been willing for any opportunity to be with him. Just now I was tortured with the sweet, beautiful memories of our brief time together.

I quickly swiped away a tear, trying to quickly erase the memories from my head. I couldn’t think about it tonight. I quickly gathered myself, trying to gain back some composure. I was just grateful Elijah was too distracted to notice.

I tilted the last of my drink back, I needed a refill fast. Tonight was all about forgetting and I needed copious amounts of alcohol to achieve that.

I made my way by the crazy drunk guy throwing out some serious shapes, as a group of people congregated around him. He was fast becoming the main attraction.

Pushing my way through to the kitchen, I stopped to stare at a cute guy pouring drinks. He seemed to be in charge of refills, so I grabbed a new cup from the stack. I smiled as I made my way over. “Hey, can I have some vodka please?”

Beer wasn’t doing anything to improve my mood, so I was now going to the next level.

“Allow me.” He grinned, taking my cup filling it just over half way.

It was literally enough to blow my own head off. I frowned as an amused grin spread across his lips, he knew fine well this was way overboard.

“That’s too much can you tip some into another cup.” I went to grab another but he grasped my wrist and held it for several seconds, as his fingers caressed my skin.

His eyes flashed up to mine. “It’s a party loosen up a little.” He nudged me winking. I poured in some lemonade, in a desperate attempt to dilute the vodka.

I took a sip and my eyes bulged, at just how potent it was. He was right about the party, I was often told to loosen up. I was highly strung and in danger of snapping, vodka would be my alcoholic friend tonight.

“I’m David by the way.” He smiled and I reciprocated back. He held my gaze a little too longer than I was comfortable with and my skin began to prickle.

My fingers picked awkwardly at the fabric of my dress. “Izzy,” I murmured, dropping my eyes down to avoid any further contact.

“Well Izzy, it’s nice to meet you, what’s a pretty girl like you doing alone at a party?” His feet shifted slightly closer, so I was forced to look back up.

I frowned at the close proximity and stepped back. “I’m with someone they’re just outside talking to some friends, which I should really be getting back to...”