I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (14 page)

He kissed and stroked my hair. “Iz, I want our future, to share every single part of my life with you by my side. I can’t go back to my life before, I couldn’t handle the loneliness, the darkness, it would kill me now. You are my light, my hopes, my dreams, you make me feel things I never thought possible. If you left me I’d be lost–”

“Hey–” I grabbed his face, staring deep into his eyes. “Joel, you’ll never have to find out. I’m yours and I’m never letting you go.”

I watched the panic slowly subside, but I knew it never fully went away. Inside the seed of doubt would still be there, taking root, threatening to grow at any moment.

“I just need you to know how much I love you.”

I pulled him into a tight hug. “I know baby I feel the same.” I placed tiny kisses against his skin, feeling his body slowly relax.

Eventually he pulled away and smiled, looking appeased by my words. He gently kissed my forehead and we slowly rocked in each other’s arms.

I hummed a song in his ear, as he soothingly stroked my back. After a while I yawned and he chuckled.

“We need to get some sleep,” he said, yawning himself.

“Night Joel,” I whispered, planting a soft kiss against his neck.

“Sweet dreams baby.” He kissed my hair and I nuzzled into his chest, already drifting off to sleep.

* * *

A loud bang ripped me from my sleep. I jumped up in confusion and quickly scanned the room for any signs of what it could be. For a second I thought I’d imagined it, till it started again. My heart nearly stopped the moment I realised it was coming from my bedroom door.

“Iz, you’re going to be late,” Mike yelled.

Oh my god.

Mike was awake and Joel was still lying beside me.

Shit.

Why hadn’t the alarm gone off?

Joel was beginning to stir, as the knocking grew louder.

“Iz, you need to get up,” Mike shouted again. I heard the irritation growing in his voice.

The door handle turned and I gasped with shock, but to my relief I remembered the magazine was there. I was just about to answer, when I watched in complete horror as the door shunted forward. On the third attempt it flew open, sending the magazine flying right across the floor.

I looked up to find Mike standing there opened mouthed, eyes blazing staring at Joel and I together in bed.

“What the fuck is going on here?” he growled.

Joel’s eyes flew open in surprise. He leapt out of the bed wearing just his boxers and of course his usual morning glory.

Mike looked down and his eyes bulged.

It was pretty hard to miss.

Anger flashed across his face as he flew at Joel. They both smacked down hard on the bed. I screamed leaping out the way. Mike repeatedly punched Joel in the face. Joel tried to maintain some kind of shield with his hands, but Mike had already split his lip, the blood from his face was splattered across the sheet. My heart beat so fast I could barely breathe. I tried in vain to pull them apart but Mike shoved me back hard, sending me flying. I smacked my head hard against the wall, losing all control. I slid down to the floor and groaned with the instant pain.

Joel shot a look of concern my way. He tried to make his way over but Mike grabbed him, pulling him back and punched him even harder in the face. The punch caught him off guard and Joel hit the floor hard.

Mike instantly leapt on him, pummelling his face. I screamed leaping back up, grabbing and clawing at Mike’s face in an attempt to stop him.

My Mother ran through and looked on in horror, at the scene before her. She began screaming for Mike to stop, but he carried on regardless. By now I was in total hysterics, the look of hatred in Mike’s eyes was enough to indicate he was never going to stop, he was going to kill him.

In a vain attempt to stop him, I leapt on Mike’s back and wrapped my arms around his neck choking him. He wrestled to throw me off but I clung on, desperately trying to keep him from returning to Joel. It seemed to work as he eventually stopped, and stood panting. The red mist surrounding him slowly began to vanish.

I leapt off and looked down at Joel’s lifeless body, as a giant sob left my lips. His face was all bloodied and swollen, I could barely make out his features. For a moment I thought the worst, my heart nearly stopped but then he softly murmured my name.

Anger soon took over and I turned, slapping Mike hard across the face. He stood there frozen in shock, as I screamed for my Mum to ring for an ambulance.

I kneeled down beside Joel, sobbing and stroking his blood-splattered hair. “Joel please, hold on the ambulance is on its way. You’re going to be okay, I love you so much, just keep remembering that baby.” I knew the ambulance wouldn’t take long, so I grabbed my jeans and top from the rail and headed for the bathroom to change.

I needed to go with Joel. I would rather die than leave him on his own.

My heart raced walking back in, looking down at Joel’s body, barely lifeless on the ground. I pulled my hair up into a knot and grabbed my phone, so I was ready to leave the moment the ambulance arrived. I kneeled down to sit with him and took his hand in mine, whispering words of comfort in his ear.

“Where the fuck do you think you’re going?” Mike asked with a sneer, his eyes were full of venom and his voice still hard and cold.

I flinched at his tone. “To the hospital Mike where do you think?” I was in no mood to converse with him anymore. I wanted the ambulance to arrive before I took my anger out on his face.

“No you’re not.” He crossed his arms, continuing to glare.

What the fuck?

I leapt up, striding over, so our faces were barely inches apart. “Try and stop me, you should be arrested for assault, prey he comes out of this Mike cause I will never forgive you if he doesn’t.” I eyeballed him for several seconds, until the sound of voices downstairs distracted me. I breathed a sigh of relief that the ambulance people were finally here.

It was going to be okay.

I repeated it over and over, willing myself to believe it. Despite in this precise moment it felt far from it.

As they lifted Joel inside the ambulance, I began to walk forward. Mike tried to grab my arm but my Mother pulled him back. “Let her go Mike, you’ve done enough already,” she said, starting to cry.

I didn’t look back. I jumped inside the ambulance, instantly reaching for Joel’s hand. I kissed it and told him that it was going to be okay.

I hoped for my sake it would be.

* * *

My body tensed the moment I heard my name being called. I let out a huge sigh of relief, that I was finally able to see Joel. When my eyes caught sight of him lying there I gasped. My hand flew up to my mouth in shock, his face was even more swollen. I could barely make out his features. He was covered in bruises and dried blood and the tears soon began to stream.

I sat down, grabbing his hand. “Joel,” I croaked out, my throat was dry and tight. He murmured something, but I couldn’t quite make out what. I held my ear against his mouth.

“I’m sorry Iz,” he murmured.

“Sorry? What do you have to be sorry for? This is all Mike’s fault, the way I’m feeling now I don’t care if they lock him up and throw away the key.”

I wanted him to be punished for what he’d done. I wanted to beat him up myself.

“I’m not pressing charges Iz,” he said flinching, trying to move.

I looked at him in shock. “He nearly beat you to death, he deserves it.”

“He’s my best friend, I don’t blame him, he told me to stay away from you. I deserved the beating I took.” He closed his eyes, the pain was clearly overwhelming him. I wasn’t helping matters getting him all agitated.

I picked up his hand, threading my fingers through his and pressed my lips gently against his knuckles. They were clean from cuts, where he hadn’t tried to fight back. It broke my heart that he thought he deserved his punishment.

Joel began to drift back off, the drugs once again taking over. I whispered in his ear sweet words of comfort, I knew he needed to hear. He smiled softly and I hoped in my heart he truly believed them.

* * *

“Hey Iz,” Joel managed to croak out. Tears filled my eyes at the sound of his voice, relief swept through me that he was still here. After the pounding off Mike, I was certain things could have taken a turn for the worst.

Mike had already texted me trying to apologise, but I hadn’t texted back. He didn’t deserve a reply, and I was more than sure my Mother was keeping him updated anyway.

I leaned over with the water, gently placing the straw in his mouth. He took a few sips before lying back. After placing the beaker down, I gave him a gentle kiss on the corner of his mouth, avoiding the split and swollen part. It looked so painful, like it would take a long time to heal.

I reached up, stroking the front of his hair to soothe him, in a distraction from the pain. My fingers caught in some of the dried blood. I felt sick that my own Brother inflicted that kind of pain on his own best friend. Right now I hated him with every breath in my body.

I sat in silence, as Joel went in and out of consciousness. I tried moving several times for the drinks machine. I needed an urgent caffeine fix to keep me going. But the moment I attempted to loosen my fingers, he grabbed my hand each time. I tried reassuring him I wasn’t going far, but he clung onto me like his life depended on it. I guess he was afraid I’d abandon him in his hour of need. It saddened me to think he still had that level of fear inside him.

* * *

The door let out a loud creak and I winced trying my hardest not to disturb him, walking back into the room.

“Iz?” he croaked out, trying to lift his head to look at me.

“Yeah it’s me, how are you feeling?” I asked frowning, walking over to the bed. His appearance still shocked me. I tried my hardest to appear normal, when really all I wanted to do was drop to the floor and cry.

“Like hell, I thought you’d left. When I woke up you weren’t here.” There was a tinge of sadness to his voice and it broke my heart, thinking he thought he’d been left all alone.

“As if I would ever leave you, I went to get something to eat before my growling stomach woke you up.” I tried to make light of it, but his sad words still echoed inside my head.

He chuckled and I leaned over kissing the corner of his mouth. I slipped my hand back into his, our fingers once again entwined.

“I gave my Mum an update and I told her I’d be staying here tonight,” I said, stroking his hand reassuringly. I wanted him to know he was my priority.

“Bet that didn’t go down well,” he replied, shuffling around to look at me.

I frowned watching him wince, with every movement he made. “She didn’t have a choice, she isn’t in a position to argue at the moment.”

Both our eyes snapped up when the door flew open. In walked the nurse to do her final check. Joel grimaced with the pain, as it shot through his body. I pulled a face too, only imagining how sore he must be.

“Are you okay?” I asked, once the nurse left. She didn’t exactly have the best comforting bedside manner. I hated seeing him like this, I felt useless sitting here, not able to do more.

The drugs finally took over and I watched him fall back under. I knocked the main light off, arranging his pillows and covers to make him as comfortable as possible.

Flicking through an old magazine I’d found in the waiting room, I looked over a while later to see Joel’s concerned eyes fixed on me. “Iz go home, I’ll be fine, come back tomorrow.”

I bent over kissing his forehead. “I’ll be fine, get some sleep.” My eyes grew wider as he started to prop himself up on his elbows, trying to scoot over the bed. “Joel, what the hell are you doing?”

“Making room for you.” He groaned, dragging the covers back.

I stepped backwards in surprise. “I’m not sleeping with you, I might hurt you.” My eyes scanned all the tubes in his arms and the wires. I was not about to pull out any so I could be comfortable, I’d lie on the floor if I have to.

“Get in this bed now, before I have to drag you in.”

I could see the fire and determination in his eyes, it was useless to even argue. I laughed at his words, he could barely move let alone drag me.

I slipped off my converse, gingerly climbing into the bed, avoiding all the wires and IV drip that was in his arm. I lay on my side with Joel’s arm wrapped around me. I kissed him whispering goodnight and told him how much I loved him. He smiled letting out a sigh of contentment. We linked hands falling asleep straight away.

I was relieved the day from hell was finally over.

The taxi was eerily silent on our journey home to Joel’s house. I shot a concerned glance over at him, but he was too preoccupied staring out the window to notice. His eyes remained fixated on the houses and cars streaming by. His hand nervously tapped his knee, his agitation was clearly evident the nearer we got to his house.

Thankfully, Joel’s Dad John has gone to stay at his Brother’s in Southampton. He’d often go for a month at a time, during which Robert, John’s Brother would help detox him off the alcohol. He never stayed sober long after, always relapsing back to his old ways, the guy simply had no will power.

Robert was the complete opposite of John. His compassionate, caring nature was the one shining beacon in Joel’s young life. He became Joel’s saviour after his Mum Linda tragically died, taking over the role of caring for a four year old. After being made redundant he was forced to move to Southampton for work, when Joel was only eight. Joel was heartbroken afterwards, losing the security and support of his Uncle, to be left alone with the guy that resented him so badly. He was the only one outside our family that gave a damn about him, who remembered all the important anniversaries. I was grateful he had him in his life, for the period before he knew us.

In an attempt to relax him, I took hold of his hand and stroked it softly to soothe the tension away. I knew he was anxious about going home, it didn’t hold many good memories. He’d always had my house to escape to when things got bad, but right now that wasn’t an option.

“Hey, are you okay?” I asked, squeezing his hand. I was hoping he’d let me into his dark train of thought.

He shifted slightly, turning to face me. “Yeah fine.” He smiled reassuringly but the look of fear in his eyes told me different.

He groaned when the taxi swerved slightly. I looked at him anxiously, worried about his ribs. “Well maybe not fine,” he murmured and grimaced, clutching his side.

“I think you should go to bed when we get in?” Joel was on strong pain medication, which made him drowsy. I didn’t want him being the hero dealing with the pain. I’d be more than happy if he slept right through it.

“Depends what you mean by bed.” He grinned suggestively, raising his eyebrows. He was trying to detract from the subject with humour, it was what he always did.

My fingers soothingly stroked through his hair, he closed his eyes sinking into my touch. “I don’t think you’re up for any kind of physical activity at the moment Joel,” I said, shaking my head disapprovingly. I tried my hardest not to smile, I knew he wouldn’t be at all happy with my advice.

His eyes snapped open in horror. “We can try different positions, I’m sure I’ll find one that’s comfortable.” He smiled looking hopeful.

I rolled my eyes. He was in far too much pain to even consider anything like that.

“The only thing you’ll be doing in bed is sleeping.” I patted his cheek lightly, watching as the smile soon slipped off his face.

“Well in that case I can play xbox on the sofa,” he huffed, turning back round with a scowl. His sullen response made me chuckle.

“I’ll never understand your fascination with xbox,” I muttered. Computer games never appealed to me, yet he seemed to spend half his life on his.

“It’s cause you’re a girl.”

I stuck out my tongue in retaliation and he started laughing. “Excuse me if I don’t enjoy shooting people or pretending to be a footballer.”

“It’s more than that.” He shook his head, looking slightly annoyed I didn’t understand.

“Yeah whatever,” I blew out.

He narrowed his eyes smirking, before grabbing my side tickling my ribs. I flinched with shock, trying desperately to escape the torturous fingers locked to my side.

“Joel, don’t – you know – I don’t like it!” I screamed, begging for him to stop.

The taxi driver turned around glaring, when my high-pitched squeal reached a glass shattering shriek, but Joel carried on relentlessly.

Joel’s face fell when we pulled up outside his home. His hand quickly left my side, the laughter and screams now replaced by a deathly silence.

I had never seen Joel’s house before but one word to describe it would be grim, almost dilapidated. I suddenly wanted to go back to mine but Joel was my priority. If I had to forgo some luxury to be with him then so be it.

Joel grimaced walking up the path. I sensed his embarrassment at the state of his own home. The house looked in serious disrepair, from the peeling paint of the windows and doors, to the thick dirt ingrained in the glass of the windows. The garden was seriously overgrown, rubbish was strewn everywhere. It looked like it had been neglected for years. The place stuck out like a sore thumb amongst the row of well-maintained houses.

“I’m sorry Iz, the house is in a bit of a state. We don’t really get any visitors…” He blushed and his eyes dropped down, looking mortified.

“Joel, it’s me, you don’t have to stand on ceremony, I’m not going to judge.” I smiled reassuringly, to appease and calm him. He’d been through enough already without sending his blood pressure back up.

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it tight. As I unlocked the door, bracing myself for what I was about to encounter.

Pushing open the door, I silently gasped. It was far worse than expected. A stale musty smell instantly invaded my nostrils. It took every ounce to maintain a normal pose and not act on instinct. I breathed through my mouth, till I was able to crank some windows open, welcoming the fresh spring air into my lungs.

My eyes pricked with tears scanning the room, horrified by the sight of it all. Dirty wallpaper loosely hung off the walls and nicotine stained doors that showed signs of John’s tobacco addiction. Large, ugly cracks ran right down the walls, as my eyes dropped down to the stained carpets, covered in filth. There were dirty clothes, empty beer cans, take away boxes and dirty plates scattered everywhere. The walls were bare, void of any pictures or family photographs and nothing of Joel’s football achievements were on display. My Mother prided herself in showing off any kind of accolade we won, it was what most parents do. Obviously John was the exception to the rule.

This house wasn’t a home, it was a cold, dirty, empty shell. I understood Joel’s reluctance to return to this grim existence. The air felt like poison, sucking all that was good from inside. The entire place sent chills down my spine. 

Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw Joel cringing. No wonder he favoured my home over his own. It needed a good going over. I had to try and get the house back into some order, during my short stay.

I helped Joel get comfortable, settled on the sofa with a drink. He switched on the television to keep him occupied, flicking through the channels but looked instantly bored by what was on offer.

“Iz, can you switch my xbox on? I want to play some Call of Duty.”

I looked at him concerned. “Do you not think you should have a sleep first?”

He pulled a face. “Nah, I’m good.” He smiled, hoping to make me comply with his request.

“Are you sure?” I asked, stroking his hair. I was worried about the injury to his head, he really should be resting. I narrowed my eyes and lifted his chin to check for signs of tiredness.

He chuckled at me, pulling me in closer. “I’m fine, I have you tending to my every need, what more could I want?” He grinned and guided me down for a long, slow kiss.

“Fine,” I mumbled against his lips, pulling away feeling slightly breathless. I switched on the game and handed him the controller and headset. “Well you enjoy being a pretend soldier with your friends.” I patted him on the head and made my way towards the kitchen.

“Do I sense a hint of sarcasm there, are you mocking Call of Duty?” he asked defensively, turning his head slightly.

I spun around with a pretend look of shock on my face. “Would I dare?” I placed my hand on my chest, as if I was wounded. “Shout if you need anything, I’ll let you get on with your game.”

He shook his head looking bemused. “Iz, it’s way more than a game.”

“Yeah Joel, whatever you say,” I added, waving my hands dismissively. Returning back through to the kitchen, to start on the mountain of dishes in the sink.

* * *

Several hours of cleaning later I noticed the time. I needed to start on making some dinner. I searched through all the cupboards to find anything edible. But each one was just as bare as the other. The fridge was the exact same, apart from a carton of expired milk, sitting amongst the empty shelves.

A lump formed in my throat, at the insight into what his childhood must have been like. Just picturing a young vulnerable Joel brought tears to my eye. I felt ashamed for my own mediocre complaints, his home life was totally different to my own. It made me appreciate my Mother more. A tear trickled down my face but I quickly swiped it away. I needed to stay strong and shower him with as much love and support that he could handle.

I walked back into the lounge to find Joel engrossed in his game. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pressed my body into his back, kissing his hair. “Hey, I’m off to the shops to get some milk and bread, I won’t be long.”

“Okay baby, but I need a proper kiss goodbye.”

I smiled leaning round, catching a cheeky glimpse of his amused face. I gave him a soft, delicate kiss on his injured lips. Walking off grinning I grabbed my coat, scarf and gloves. I needed all the layers I could find, to wrap up warm against the chilly spring wind.

“Just my girlfriend,” he said chuckling, as my hand reached the door handle.

“What? Did you say something?” I asked, turning back. I peered around the doorway, as I slipped my coat on.

He dipped his head back to look at me. “I’m talking to Mark on xbox live baby…of course she’s beautiful.”

My eyes widened in embarrassment. “Joel.” I marched back through, giving him a glare as I stood with both hands on my hips.

“What? He was asking what you looked like, I’m only telling him the truth.” He pulled an innocent face, but I could see he was holding back a grin.

I narrowed my eyes for a few seconds longer, buttoning up my coat. “Anyway I’m off now, I’ll be back soon.”

I made to walk off again, until a large smile spread across his face, which stopped me in my tracks.

“Yeah, she has a hot body.”

“Joel!” I slapped his arm, only making him grin harder.

“Bye baby, love you – not you Mark, I was talking to Izzy.” He chuckled.

I laughed making my way out, just happy to see him in better spirits.

* * *

Thirty minutes later I walked through the door, loaded with bags. Placing them down in the kitchen, I went to check on Joel. He was sat watching the news. I knew his xbox friend must have gone offline, as Joel was definitely not a news person. He took no interest in anything news worthy, unless it was to do with sport.

He smiled, instantly eyeing up the bag of goods, but I wanted to have a little fun with him first.

“So I’ve just had an interesting chat with someone.” I sent a fake scowl in his direction and his face immediately dropped. I could see the little cogs in his brain working overtime, to work out who it would be.

“Here’s me thinking I was your girl, but it appears you have promised yourself to another.” I crossed my arms across my chest defensively, my eyes shooting him daggers. The look of confusion on his face was priceless.

I loved winding him up.

Even though it was a little evil of me.

I couldn’t keep up the pretence long, instantly erupting into laughter. “Jean said she’s making some muffins and to pop round tomorrow.”

Jean was Joel’s old neighbour, I had bumped into only minutes earlier. From our brief conversation I had got the impression John was the neighbour from hell, which was no surprise. I had drawn some comfort from the praise she had directed at Joel, and how she often invited him in for tea and cakes, to escape his Dad’s countless arguments.

An instant look of relief spread across his face. I knew he was probably thinking all kinds. It was a little evil of me to play the joke, but the moment Jean revealed Joel had said she was his girl, I knew I had to. If only to pay him back for his disloyalty.

“Izzy, don’t do that to me, I’m in an unstable condition, I can’t handle surprises.” He groaned pouting, pretending to look sick, so he’d get the sympathy vote.

My eyes zeroed in on those lips that did it to me every time. “Oh well you won’t want these then if you’re ill…” I pulled out the BLT sandwich and crisps, waving them teasingly at him.

Joel’s eyes widened and he gave me a sad puppy dog look, hoping to sway my decision. I laughed, tossing them onto his knee. He grinned, eagerly ripping them open and devouring half a sandwich in a mouthful.

I walked over kissing his forehead. “Do you want a coffee to wash that all down?”

“Please.” His mouth was full once again, busy finishing the rest of the sandwich.

He really did love his food.

* * *

Three bagfuls of dirt later the carpet was brought back to a reasonable standard. I marvelled at being able to see the pattern in the carpet, mentally checking off another thing on my list. My happiness was short lived the moment I stepped through into Joel’s bedroom, to be greeted with a complete bombsite.