I Carry Your Heart (Heart Series Book 1) (10 page)

I returned home the next day to an angry looking Mike. His piercing angry eyes never left me the whole time my Mother had lovingly fussed over me. By her overly anxious display, she was obviously relieved by my arrival.

She served up a round of coffees and quickly went into a frank discussion about the aftermath of the party. Joel’s eyes stayed focused on the table and he remained mute throughout. The eventual outcome was far too lenient for my liking, Mike managed to get away with doing a few extra chores. If that had been me I would have come down harder and thrown the book at him.

I excused myself from the table and walked through to the lounge, flopping down hard onto the sofa.

It was official my life sucked.

I grabbed the remote, flicking through the television channels. I curled up tight, mindlessly going from one to the other, seeking something to distract me from the chaos raging inside my head. But nothing managed to hold my attention.

The sofa dipped beside me and I turned my head slightly, to find Joel sat staring right at me. His eyes looked sad, almost pained. From his expression I could tell he was desperate to talk to me, he just didn’t know how to begin. So I spared him the agony.

“Whatever you want to say to me Joel will make no difference, no apology can make up for what you did. You knew how I felt about you, I told you I wanted to be with you, to give us a chance and you told me no. Which hurt so bad but then to sleep with those girls in my bed.” My voice broke, at the reminder of his selfish, cruel actions.

Joel flinched, but my voice remained cold and emotionless. The visions were enough to harden the ice that slowly encased my heart. He stiffened like he was preparing for the worst.

“It was like you wanted to destroy me, I didn’t think even you could be so cruel. I thought I knew you but obviously I don’t. Do you even care that everything in that room is now a constant reminder of your betrayal? I can’t look at you Joel, you make me sick, please just leave me alone from now on.”

His eyes grew wide with the harsh brutality of my words. He motioned to open his mouth but nothing came out. He always was never much of a thinker, more of a doer, usually doing other women.

The awkward silence lingered and was enough to stir the pain once more. I stood up, rushing past him, unable to breathe the same air a moment longer.

* * *

For the next eight weeks I avoided Joel. It wasn’t hard, he hadn’t come around as often as he usually did. Which was a relief. I was grateful he had the decency to stay away.

Christmas passed with a blur. The only highlight was Elijah had dragged me out New Years Eve to a gay club. Where we spent the majority of the night, dancing and getting wasted. We ended up bringing in the New Year putting a different spin on Auld Land Syne, the nights events would stay with me for a long time to come.

By the end of January Joel started to come around again. I avoided him at all costs, spending the majority of the time hiding away in my room, or sleeping over at Elijah’s.

Despite the fact two months has passed, nothing had changed. The pain was still all too real, like no time had passed between us at all. My heart still ached with every beat and I despised myself for the fact it still mourned for him.

I knew eventually I’d have to face him. There was only so much dodging I could do before the universe decided to lend a hand, in ensuring we finally came face to face.

The moment arrived when I was heading over to Elijah’s. I was too preoccupied searching through my bag, to notice him stood there.

The familiar converse shuffled in front of me and it was enough to evaporate all air from my lungs. My head snapped up and I reeled back in complete horror, at the vision before me.

Fuck.

I gasped in shock at the sight of his poor battered face. His lip was split looking painfully sore, while surrounding the cut was a dark purple bruise. Judging by the damage some force had been behind that punch. I was guessing would have been his Dad’s handy work. God the guy was such an arsehole.

His eyes looked tired almost haunted, all puffy and bloodshot. He looked like he hasn’t slept in weeks. Had he been drinking to block it all out? It was normally his solution to hit the bottle, his escape route when things got too hard.

My eyes stared deep into his tortured ones, as tears instantly sprang to mine, but I willed them to dry. I refused to get emotional in front of him. I knew he wasn’t in a good place, he never was after a beating. As well as the physical abuse there would have been the verbal too, which was always a certainty. John was always good with his mouth, letting Joel know his exact thoughts. Which was probably worse, but he’d never admit it. Underneath all the bravado and fake confidence, he had low self-esteem. Which wasn’t a surprise, his Dad would knock the confidence out of anyone. I despised the guy with a passion.

We stood for a few moments, the silence almost deafening. I bit the inside of my cheek, the blood was a welcoming distraction from the intensity of being this close to him. He smiled softly, quickly wincing with pain. I grimaced, imagining how sore it was.

His lip brought back memories of the first time we ever met. The first moment I looked deep into his beautiful blue hypnotic eyes. He was so sweet and caring towards me that day, but he was not that same person now, that day seemed so far away. I knew I had to come to terms with that, if I was ever to stand a chance of moving on.

“Iz,” he whispered. He licked his dry lips, quickly wincing again with the pain.

I gasped, hearing him say my name. My legs almost buckled underneath me. It was always the same reaction and I hated the control he weaved over me.

“I know I’ve said it before but I’m so sorry, I miss our chats, hanging out together. Please say you’ll forgive me, I couldn’t stand it if you hated me forever.” His eyes glazed over as he stood waiting, with baited breath for my reply.

I wanted to console him, my fingers itched to touch him, to soothe and comfort him. My heart ached for all the pain he had endured, but I also knew the pain he had inflicted on me, with his own destructive actions. I had to distance myself to protect my own heart. I had to become my number one priority, even if it killed me in doing so.

I stood summoning up the courage, to say the words I knew would break me. “I’m fine Joel, you’re right we shouldn’t be together. I deserve someone that will love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I always thought deep down I wasn’t good enough for you but now I know it’s the other way round, you’re not good enough for me. You treat women like pieces of meat, you mess with their heads for your own enjoyment, it’s cruel and I see that now. I thought I was the one that could make you see the light, the one that you would fall in love with. I envisaged a future with you but it was all just a pipe dream and now I’m wide-awake. You go out and enjoy yourself, sleep with as many women as you want. I’m over it. I’m over you.”

His face dropped in surprise and tears pricked his eyes. His wounded look brought my heart to a stand still. But I had to stay strong. Being near him made my whole body come alive, I hated how it betrayed me. I yearned for his company, I missed the times we shared together, our conversations, our jokes. I missed the way he looked at me.

I missed him full stop.

I picked up my bag and side stepped him, keeping my eyes forward. I didn’t look back. Chanting over and over to stay strong, until I was at a safe enough distance away from him.

* * *

I stared into the dark abyss. Every night was the same, hour after hour. It became my routine. I was destined to never appreciate the feeling of having a full night’s sleep ever again.

My stomach grumbled demanding food. I’d barely eaten for months now; my appetite had slowly diminished. But maybe tonight would be different. I sighed and uncurled the duvet back, giving into its demands and headed downstairs.

The air was cool as I sat curled up in the kitchen, with a glass of milk and some oreo’s. A smile touched my lips, performing my usual ritual. I loved pulling them apart, exposing the cream, before dunking each section into the milk. The taste was heavenly in my mouth. I moaned softly when the sweet sensation exploded onto my taste buds.

After dunking and eating the third biscuit I heard a shuffle. My body instantly stiffened with fright. I sat up straining my ears, for any sounds of noise. My eyes flicked around the room, paranoia setting in. For a second I thought I’d imagined it, sighing in relief. I relaxed back into the chair, then yelped at the sight of a half naked Joel strolling into the kitchen. Of course even with messy, bed hair and sleepy eyes he still looked gorgeous.

Did he ever look anything but?

Dressed in a black Foo Fighters t-shirt and grey boxers, he casually walked through, continually rubbing his face. He yawned and stretched, grabbing a glass out the cupboard and sat down beside me.

I nudged the carton of milk towards him. He smiled, the pain no longer there. His lip had long healed, all the bruising now gone. His face was back to being flawless, though deep inside the emotional scars would still be with him.

I smiled back, until he leaned over to grab an oreo. Then my smile quickly vanished.

What the hell?

“Errrm what do you think you’re doing?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.

Joel paused, then smiled. “I’m having a biscuit,” he said in a matter of fact way.

Now I was annoyed.

“Pffttt, I don’t think so these are mine. Mum buys me a pack every week for me only.” I pulled the packet nearer, to make it even clearer.

“So you’re not going to give me one then?” he asked, looking surprised. I watched as an amused expression crossed his face.

I felt a smile tug on my lips too. “Nope.” I took a slow sip of milk, to mask it.

His mouth dropped open in pretend shock and then he stuck his bottom lip out, giving me those sad puppy dog eyes.

“Oh please, do you think that actually works?” It actually did, but I was not giving in that easily. He was going to have to work a little harder for it.

His face dropped slightly. “I’m hoping it does.” He pouted, looking me straight in the eye.

I felt the same pull towards him again. My heart beat faster at his close proximity, and now at the pouty lips I wanted to kiss so bad.

I could be a bitch and stick to my refusal. Instead I pushed the packet towards him, he grinned in delight while I blushed.

Damn that smile.

So much for keeping my distance.

He dipped his oreo into his milk and I continued anxiously nibbling on mine, as we sat in complete silence.

He finished his final bite and began running his finger along the rim of the glass. He coughed clearing his throat, his eyes seeking out mine. “Iz, I know I’ve said it a hundred times before but I’m sorry for what I did. I will try and make it up to you. I was drunk and I saw you flirting with Rob...” His voice trailed off and his eyes looked pained, returning to the glass.

I sighed heavily, smiling like everything was okay, like I wasn’t still broken. “It’s fine Joel, what’s done is done but thanks for the new bed, the one good thing is my old mattress was so lumpy, so it’s a treat to lie on a new one,” I replied, masking the obvious hurt I was feeling deep inside.

He smiled but the pain was evident in his eyes. He knew I was dodging the real issue.

I sat drawing small circles, my fingertip skimming over the dark polished wood. I was trying to pluck up the courage, to apologise for my own cruel words. “I’m sorry what I said about your Dad,” I whispered. “You’re nothing like him, I was just lashing out, trying to hurt you.” I dragged my eyes up from the table and looked into his, hoping to find some form of forgiveness.

His tortured eyes held mine. “You were right I am like him, I drink to escape how I feel and I sleep with women that I don’t care about. I hurt the people I care about the most. I’m a mess and I don’t deserve to be with anyone.” His honesty shocked me, admitting he wasn’t worthy to be with anyone broke my heart. I was beginning to see just how deep his insecurities actually went.

“Do you want a girlfriend Joel?” The question left my lips, before my brain even engaged what I was asking, but I had to know the truth.

He frowned and his eyes dropped down to the table. “I don’t know Iz, I’d just be a big disappointment to whoever it was. I’m no good and maybe that’s why I deserve to be used. I don’t deserve love, I’ve always known that and I accept it.” He closed his eyes, hanging his head. The shadow from the light completely covered his face. He was trapped in a world of darkness he couldn’t escape from and I knew I couldn’t sit back any longer and pretend I didn’t care.

I took hold of his hand and his head snapped up with the contact. He looked deeply into my eyes, silently asking what I was doing.

I stroked his hand, reassuring him I was here, losing myself in the sadness of his eyes. I fell so deep, I almost forget to breathe. It was easy to forget around Joel.

“Everyone deserves to be loved Joel, you more than others. You lost your Mum at such a young age and you’ve never got it from your Dad, but we all love and care for you.”